My marriage was in trouble for a number of years because of my depression and because my wife misunderstood it. After 19 years, she filed for divorce because I couldn't provide emotional security. I resigned myself to the divorce because she said she had no feelings left for me, although it has been hard to accept. About 2 months after we separated, I found out anonomously that she has been involved with a married co-worker for nearly 2 years. Needless to say I was devastated.

The OM's wife called me and we met to discuss the situation. He told her 2 weeks before I found out and she filed for divorce. They had been married for 36 years. I warned my wife of the emotional damage that she and her lover were inflicting on the families, but she doesn't seem to care. Our spouses are "in love".

The OM's spouse was really devastated and has recently attempted suicide. I feel sorry for her and wish I could do something to help. What would you do?

I am angry with my spouse because she didn't want me to find out; but I am not about to kill myself over her. She is not worth it. And what she is doing is is ruining her reputation at work, in her family and in her church. Our teenage kids will be humiliated. And if the OM's wife kills herself, how can these betrayers live with that.

I am truly disillusioned by what people can do.

Oldman1 --

Sorry to say, we often are disappointed and disillusioned by what people do to each other, especially to those whom they are supposed to love. Spend an hour on these message boards and anyone will come away feeling those same sad emotions.

I hear you and I welcome you to MB. You've come to a very good place and we'll help you all we can to get through this pain. All of us here--and it's thousands of us--are hurting from the pain of betrayal and disillusion. You've joined the ranks of fellow sufferers and 'twas a smart move.

First, the OMW and her attempted suicide is not your fault and not your responsibility; you can't control another person's actions. I agree that it would be a terrible waste if she would follow through but it's not your doing or your obligation. Sometimes a threat like this is a plea for help, other times it's a manipulative power play on her part. Either way, you're not responsible.

Next, you seem to have a good hold on yourself and a healthy perspective on things. I'm thankful that you see clearly what is going on. Of course you're right that your W's reputation will suffer but I suspect that's the farthest thing from her mind right now. That's her problem and her albatross but it becomes yours by extension as you have teenagers to respond to and family and your friends.

She "doesn't seem to care" because, for now, she selfishly doesn't care about anything or anybody else but herself. That's what The Fog does to people, how it affects them, clouds their judgment and decency, and creates pain and havoc across the board. She cares about the OM too, but don't bet the farm that that mind-set is a given. A two-year A is a long one, but not unheard of, and certainly nothing compared with your 19-year marriage (and the OM's 36-year union). You can't see around the corner, and while I don't want to give you false hope (assuming you want to preserve your M), I would say that the final word isn't in yet.

Please hang in there. Post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon,

Thanks for your kind words. I know that the OMW is not my responsibility. Since I am new here, I hadn't heard the term "Fog" before. That is a very good description.

My W and the OM had never had any relationships prior the their A or their marriages. This is my second marriage and I have had several relationships between them. I know that the grass is the same color on both sides of the fence.

Still, it is a shame that two supposedly intelligent people are lost in the "Fog".

My marriage is over. The trust is gone and I can live with that.