Tonight, I was trying to remember the best moments of my life so I can fall asleep as soon as possible and first thing that I remembered it was my 5th Birthday when I had over 20 kids at my party and I had a huge cake which was also were the best cake in my life. Then I remembered myself a little bit older...I was walking with my friends on the street; first snow were falling down and it was kind of warm outside and we were keep trying to catch the snowflakes with our mouths and then right after that I remembered the day when me and my husband got married...
Where did everything else go? Why is the affair didnt come across of my memories? Why I dont remember anything good about it? I remember that I liked that guy, I remember I had good time when I went to see him (and I'm not talking about the sex), but why is it so unimportant to me? This affair **** my life big time and now it seems to be so dirty, useless and unwanted. How could I do it to my husband, my family and all the people around me? How could I get this low?
Sometimes I dont think that any of this is real and I think that all this is have to be happening in my other life, my dream or better yet, it was someone else I heard a story about.

Why now when I look back at my marriage there is barely any bad moments and before I went to see OM i thought that there is nothing good left between me and my husband?

When my husband ask me agin "why and how" could I possibly do all that, how can I explain it to him, because I am really confused myself?

And next time when my husband will be angry and upset about me end up to be the worst wife he ever could wish for, how do I help him and calm him down? None of my words or promisses worth anything, so how I can help him to feel better?

When people like me **** everything up so bad, is it possible for them to start everything over? Or should I say why would anyone wanna try to start everything over with a person like me?

i wish my wife would show any of the remorse that you are showing. tell me, did your h handle your affair discreetly? i am afraid i have not and too many people got to know. if he did, would it have altered your feelings towards him if he had been less discreet?
my wife is far more angry with me for my lack of discretion than i am with her for her affair which really annoys me.
if your h loves you enough he should be grateful that you have been so sorry and given him an excellent chance to repair the marriage without having the pressure of your continued contact with the om. continuing contact has destroyed me and my attempts to win my wife back but she doesnt appreciate the pain i have suffered.

cheating wife, yes, it IS possible to start everything all over. That is a great part of what love is all about...loving our spouse in spite of any and all imperfections.

As a BS, I can tell you that my wife and I are together and starting over because I love her despite the affair.

Why can't you find those good memories of the affair? Because they are all wrapped up with the painful ones when the affair was brought out into the light from the shadows. Plus, you can look back now without the distraction of the excitement and see the harm that it caused, to you, your H, your family and even OM. (It's hard to remember the good times of a trip, if your plane crashed on landing.)

Why can't you see all those problems you felt were in the marriage during the EMA? Because you are seeing things from a different POV. I'm sure there were and are issues that needed/need to be addressed in the marriage...there always are, but now you are looking for true options on how to deal with them, not looking for an excuse to escape them. Before, you didn't want to "make things better", you just wanted distraction from them, so in your mind you built a mountain out of them, instead of the molehill they actually were.

How can you explain your actions? You just keep trying. There is no logical, right answer that will ever satisfy a BS as to why their WS cheated and betrayed. One of the best ways to help is to just admit and accept in your heart that you were stupid, selfish, uncaring, and cruel. That there was no reason for you to have taken the option you did. You were wrong! You see it, you know it in your heart, and you've learned that this is the worst option you could have ever considered. That you've grown and looked inside yourself, placing boundaries FOR you, which you will never, ever cross again.

How to help? By being there. By telling him every day, as many times as he needs to hear it, how sorry you are. Telling him what you are doing and thinking to make sure that you never hurt him again in this way. Explain how you feel TODAY and what you plan to do to make sure that your feelings for him continue to blossom and grow. Touch him lightly. Hold him. Hold his hand when you walk, touch him softly as you walk by. Sit with him. LISTEN to him. Validate his feelings with empathy.

Yes, we can always began again. We can reclaim the life we want for ourselves and for those we love. Maybe not easily...but if it's worth the effort...then it's worth the time it takes, too.

Someone wants to start over with someone "like you" because they know the goodness, courage, strength and love in you. They realize that you're not perfect, but then neither are they. They want what "can be" with "someone like you", because they know just how good that "can be" can really be.

empc: Before I came back home to my husband, everyone including my step daughter, my parents in law, friends knew about what I've done.
I think for me facing people who know about the affair is much harder then facing my husband. For some reason after long conversations over the phone and emails with my husband I was expected him to understand me... I was wrong about it though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I think if my husband would of been more discreet I wouldnt have to go through all those lies that I made up trying to justify of what Ive done when he find out about it. Just because women act like a whore sometimes doesnt mean they want people to think of them that way. I was afraid that I wont be able to handle all the talk and dirty looks behind my back if I will go back to my H, so I thought that there is no way back. Even when my husband asked me back which was about 2 -3 days after he found out, I thought he were just shoked or maybe he wanna trick me... I don't know. For some reason I always seen my husband as emotionless, cold man who would never take wife like me back. Once again I was wrong about it as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

just a wifey 2002: Again, thatnks for your reply. Believe me or not I am trying my best to save my marriage that I break apart with my own hands.
My husband sometimes gets upset because I end up to be nothing that he thought I was and I just telling him that I dont want to be what I was. I dont wanna be spoiled little, jelous, lying ***** that I was. Maybe people don't see it yet, but there is some good left in me as well.

I jsut hope that my H have enough strength as well. I just hope he wont give up on me easy as I did, because I am not leting him go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks to all of you. I wish I would of looked for this bbs long time ago.

I am desperately seeking some help, some advice on how to cope with my wife's infidelity. I found out about 3 weeks ago that her and my best friend have been having a steamy affair for the past 9 months. I love her with all my heart, and I told her that i forgive her for what happened. She also wants to start over, and she says she is really over the OM, she does not even think about him at all (even she finds this strange). She tells me she loves me, but she does not feel that she is IN LOVE with me, there is no spark when she is with me or when i touch her. We have 2 beautiful boys ages 5 and 3, I love my family more than anything in the world and I want to make things right. But i am so torn by the pain, that I am drastically loosing weight, can't eat, sleep or concentrate at work, and I just wish i'd know how to deal with thi pain and when will it start to easo off. I spoke to my friend also, told him that I forgive both of them for what they did, he is sorry and feels very guilty for doing this, and so deas my wife. Also is it OK for them to see each other from time to time, strictly when I am in their presence, since she said she feels nothing towards him anyomore and she is only looking ahead at our happier future?

Please someone say something, my hurt is unbearable

Hurtinheart

Hurtinheart and cheatingwife, I want to speak to each of you.

Cheating, please don't be so hard on yourself. You made a terrible mistake and you are sorry. Don't give up on not getting the feeling of love back for your H just yet. You are likely still experiencing a measure of what we at MB call "fog"--it takes awhile to start thinking healthy after an A.

You will stop being numb soon. There is no magic wand to help you forgive yourself but it is key to your healing. I know what I'm talking about because it took me months--I was so angry and ashamed of my behaviour,even though I cut contact with OM off immediately.

Hurtingheart, you have offered forgiveness. You should NOT let "friend" and your W get together with or without you. What kind of "friend" betrays you and indulges in sexual activity with YOUR wife? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Can you guys go for counselling? It really helps.

Both of you have trouble from a different perspective but their is hope for both your marriages. Hang in there.

freshstart, thank you for replying to my posting I am having a really hard time dealing with things, I have not even mentioned counselling to my wife, but I believe it is the right thing to do. She keeps telling me that she really loves me a lot, and that she wishes she could wipe out the last 9 months from our lives, really regretting the things she did, because she feels I really do not deserve such betrayal. I love her dearly, and would do anything to get over this dark period of my life and to make her happy. I think we'll start with some books, and some of the suggestions from this site. I really appreciate your support and advice.

Hurtinheart, if you feel safe enough, feel free to email me--buildnewlife@yahoo.ca

I understand if you prefer not to--it's up to you.
But I will keep your marriage in my prayers.

Know that your wife really means that she wishes she could erase the past. I wrote one of the poems I love best after my affair--it was about wishing life was like a computer so I could press the delete button.

When a WS finally wakes out of the fog and selfishness of the affair and true remorse and repentance hits, it is horrible to realize the damage one has done to the person they loved the most. It is sickening to realize how you could let yourself become a liar and a cheat and how far you could wander from what you know to be upright and true.

The beautiful thing about true love is that it is resilient and forgiveness is a huge key that unlocks the door to both the WS heart and the BS heart.

Your marriage can actually grow stronger. Your W, if seriously committed to recovery, will learn to understand herself better, you will both learn what boundaries need to be laid out to protect your relationship and you actually can fall deeply in love again. It is awesome.

Keep believing that will happen. And Cheatingwife,please be encouraged, too--you can forgive yourself. My heart goes out to you.

CW...I am sure it is very difficult to face others that know on the surface what happened. It's like most things in life, we kinda expect our spouse to love us no matter what but it isn't something we can expect from others. There isn't anyway to take that knowledge from them...but they don't know the whole story, only a very small part. As you and your H join forces and began to show a united front...things will get better. Just don't ever discuss your mistakes with anyone else (except those that you and your H have agreed to use as supports, ie. MC, etc). There will soon enough be a new subject for the gossips to talk about...just ignore it as much as possible...and stop anyone cold who attempts to get you to discuss your private life. JMHO

HurtingHeart...please do seriously think about some individual counseling for both you and your W and marriage counseling as a couple. You've both got a lot of work to do in repairing the marriage from the betrayal and also fixing those issues that needed to be addressed which allowed the distance to grow in your marriage for the betrayal to have taken place.

You're not going to find many here who will believe that it's a good idea for your W and your friend(?), OM, to have any contact. It's just usually not a good idea at all. Even if both of them have had complete closure and never would do anything like this again...his being involved in any way with your life is going to be a very large stumbling block on your healing path. Each and every time you see them together...it's going to hurt.

I realize that you're losing someone who you feel was a friend...I, too, had to lose a friend when she became involved in the affair with my H. And while there is still a level in which I miss her...my goal is a healthy, happy marriage...and she can not be a part of it in any form...not a friend to my H nor a friend to me. jmho

Also...you'll get more replies if you start your own topic.

Good Luck as you and your W walk your healing path.