I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair. After confronting him with the "hard" evidence that I had accrued (mileage, cell phone bills and numbers), he admitted that he had been having an affair for about 3 months. The OW was a receptionist at a day spa that he actually bought me a package for! I am completely heartbroken and devastated. I fluctuate from one end of the spectrum to the other. Wanting desperately to think this is just a nightmare to questioning him about all the "gory" details. The lies are almost the hardest thing to deal with for me. They were HUGE and very complex. I keep remembering all of the awful things he said to me prior to my confronting him. I think he was trying to make me into some monster in his mind to justify his affair. How he wasn't happy; he couldn't talk to me; he wanted to try NEW things; maybe he needed a fresh start. GOD! We'd been married for nine years and together a total of 12. I had NO idea he was this miserable. He never gave me any indication other than the offhand complaint or two, about not enough sex, me being a ***** to his friends, etc. Now that the affair is over (though the OW is STILL calling and hanging up, etc.), he says he is much happier and wants us to have a better life together, blah, blah, blah. It's like this COMPLETE turnaround after 3 months of Hell! Is this for real? I'm so confused! I wanted to throw him out right away, but when I thought about him actually leaving it about killed me. I agreed to try and work through this with him, but now that the shock has faded and the reality is actually sinking in, I find I am angry more and more of the time. This really DID happen. He is a LIAR and a CHEAT! He broke our marriage vows and didn't take me into consideration whatsoever! Will this anger fade? I'm trying not to let this anger come through as I know it is a serious Love Buster, but it is extremely hard to hold back. I don't think that he had any repercussions from this affair. Where the heck did HE get hurt? It was all ME! Please help me deal with this anger. What did you do? Is this normal?

hey tbone--was 2 weeks for me sunday--don't think i can really give advice but i am going through similar mess. i go to bed feeling one way and wake up feeling totally different. and i can look at my posts and see where the anger started. my H is still seeing OW (says they are "just friends" now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and we were all friends before this. he told me saturday he wants to work things out and yesterday that i misunderstood and he still doesn't know what he wants. so now i pretty much just nod my head and say ok to most of what he says, meanwhile not really believing a word he says. actions speak louder than words and that's what i'm waiting for--him to **** or get off the pot.
i do know that he feels pain too--although i don't see how it can even come close to what he's done to me. anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and good luck. i hope your H is sincere about wanting to work things out. in my situation, i don't believe anything until i see it--have already learned that from the stuff he's said and gone back on.
oh btw, my H said all the same crap yours did--he wasn't hapy for months (was news to me), couldn't talk to me, thinks he fell out of love (i'm sure this is not possible--you don't just "fall" in or out of love) and oh yeah another big one--"i think i shouldn't have gotten married so young". well that was nice of him--the biggest decision of our lives and he thinks it was a mistake. he bugged me for 2 years about marriage before I felt like I was ready. anyway, i'm rambling. sorry about that, find myself doing that alot lately. good luck to you!

You have every right to be angry. Don't be afraid to vent here.

It's how you use the anger that counts. I heard on the Dr. Phil show about infidelity that the best revenge is living well.

You are lucky as well in that your H wants to work on things. I am not even close yet. Get the book "Suviving an Affair" to help you through this prospective recovery.

I think he is hurting more than you think. He will probably express this as anger towards you or some other strange behavior.

Anyway, I deal with the anger by doing the following.

1. Establish a support system with friends and family. This is a little tricky with an A. There are some good posts about this in GQII. Let me know if you can't find them.

2. Post here. This place has really helped me keep my head on straight.

3. Bottom line: It is not you fault.

4. Find a good counselor for both of you. If he doesn't want to go then go by yourself.

Here is a good link: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Thanks for the suggestion(s). I'm feeling so bad today. When he calls "just to talk" I want to hang up on him. I guess, after reading all of the other posts, I'm lucky (if you consider being a BS lucky) that my WS wants to work it out and has taken the NO CONTACT rule seriously. With all of the emotional turmoil going on inside me right now, I don't know if I could deal with all the other emotions lostbuthopeful is going thru. That has to SUCK! I want to tell you to kick him to the curb, but I can't give you advice. Hell, I'm lucky if I can even figure out what to wear these days. One thing that really bothers me though is that the OW knows what I look like. She could pass me on the street and I wouldn't know who she was! I know where she works and I want so badly to go there and just see her - just to know. Is this a bad thing? Should I not do this? I don't want to give her another excuse to call my Husband. HELP! I'm afraid I'm going to do something stupid.

My summary:
Me - BS - 37
Him - WS - 36
Married 9 years, together for 12. No kids
d-day - 11/18/02

Tbone84 --

Being confused, unfortunately, is a standard by-product of the A for the BS; comes from trying to make sense from nonsense, trying to find rational thought and behavior in the irrational. Don't waste your time trying to get the figures to add up; they won't.

Find WAT's "Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" elsewhere on this site for the complete package--it's vital information for you at this stage. It's in the Just Found Out forum (this one) and other places.

You have every right to feel angry with this and you need to go with that anger; it's a vital part of the process of recovery and healing. Come here
to vent and rage and cry. We're here for you and will listen to you and understand you. We'll sit with you anytime and every time you need us. In a very real sense, we're all in this together since almost all of us are victims of betrayal and all of us are hurting too, BS and WS alike.

He wasn't "this miserable," using that pathetic excuse as a feeble attempt to justify the unjustifable. He needs to say something since he knows that he's 100% in the wrong with his choice to go down that path. Trying to make the BS into a monster is also common--it's amazing how very similar WS's are in their thought processes. It's all in a script somewhere that each one consults daily to learn their lines. It's all garbage!

But you've got a big piece of it figured out: "He is a LIAR and a CHEAT! He broke our marriage vows and didn't take me into consideration whatsoever!"
Right on! That's exactly what this situation is. Your anger will fade with time, but for now it's important to live with it and to work through it. What you're feeling and going through is completely normal--don't doubt yourself--you know deep down inside who and what you are. Keep your core untouched.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you're in a great place for advice and perspective and commiseration. Post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

My situation:
found out 11/12/02
My wife and best friend, 9 month affair
She wants to work things out, tells me she loves me but she does not feel IN LOVE with me, she says there is no SPARK.
Have 2 boys, 5 and 3, love my family more than anything, want to work things out.
I told both of them that I forgive them for the A.
Hurting a lot, stomach constantly turning, pictures of them in my mind keep popping up, want to move ahead, but keep falling back.
How long for the pain to ease, can I overcome this hurt? If there is no spark what can bring it back? How can i make her fall in love with me again? I am very considerate, romantic, and affectionate, write her poems, buy flowers even on ordinary days, help her in everything, why did she do this?
Please help, and ease my pain.
hurtinheart

HIH:
1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

I too found out 2 weeks ago on Sunday, why is it comforting to know that I wasn't alone! I am struggling with wanting to know is it really over, why can't he look at me and apologize and fall on his knees. We have 4 children! We have 14 years of marriage, not all of it was bad! I want to hope that this is really a withdrawl period and that in a week or so things might get easier, but will it??

I have to say that it has been three months for me, and of course the anger is still there. The good news is, it is definitely fading away. I am really mad at myself sometimes for not just kicking him out immediately because I felt like he didn't get punished enough - and he actually spoke to the OW in front of me telling her he missed her etc. I talked to her as well, telling her I felt sorry for her pain... WELL! BS go through fogs too. I was trying to be a good person and understanding to everyone, as the sacrifice to myself. How could I be such a rug? Well, today I had a little breakthrough and realized that my anger with myself is something called FEELINGS. And usually if you have FEELINGS you can't THINK. I really believe that during the first couple of weeks after finding out, that my feelings were so numb from being in shock, that all I had was sheer thought. No feelings at all. So it was easy to be a rug. I was just thinking completely logically with no real feelings to distract me from what was going on. Then - the shock and numbness wear off - and your FEELINGS are back in full force, and elephants have been stomping all over them!! Then the reverse happens - the FEELINGS overwhelm you and you can't THINK clearly.

Here's the deal. You love your husband. With me, I found out about two weeks after that the affair he just confessed to - wasn't the first. So back I went into shock. I am not saying that your husband may have had more than one affair, but you have to prepare yourself for that eventuality. Mine had two, it turned out, back to back all covering the span of about a year. Wow! No idea. Blindsided completely.

But we are in counseling now and that is the FIRST big step, you need someone, an impartial third party, who specializes in affair recovery. And if you need to go to 2 or 3 until you find the right one, oh well. Do it. And keep a journal. It will really help.

The one piece of advice I would give is this - don't hold back, but at the same time, don't go crazy on him either. When you have an outrageous painful hurt that you feel needs to be expressed, first of all decide if it's a FEELING or a THOUGHT. If it's a FEELING, then you may want to turn it into a THOUGHT and then tell your husband about it. Does that make sense?

me

KS -- My GOD! You totally expressed what I am going through! I was (and to an extent, still am) in shock. I have been completely numb, and now, only now, is the anger coming through. For instance, we turned on a movie that I knew he hadn't seen with me and he turned to me and said, "this is a good movie, isn't it?" Well I said, "When did you see this? Not with me, right?" and of course, it was ON from there. I keep thinking about the lies and I start steaming! Like I said in my earlier post, I want to go to where the OW works and just SEE her. She has seen me, but I've never laid eyes on her. I don't think this is fair. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I badly want to do it anyway. I'm really not thinking rationally, I'm just MAD!

But anyway KS, thanks for the post. Your reply really did help, because you said you are getting better and hopefully, sooner if not later, I will be on my way there too.

My summary:
Me - BS - 37
Him - WS - 36
Married 9 years, together for 12. No kids
d-day - 11/18/02

john39, thanks for all your advice and support. I knoe i have to take things slow, I will, and I will try everything and anything to make things better for the whole family. The pain is real, but time will heal it, and if I get the support from her that I am getting now, I know we will make it through. What hurts the most is that the A is only known by me, WW and OM, nobody elso knows about it and we usually play cards every Monday night with 3 other friends, one of them the OM, and my wife really wants to keep this under the covers, and I am having a very hard time accapting OM's presence. I will learn to deal with this but I believe this also requires time.
Once again, I truly appreciate all the advice and support, if you have anything else you think could ease this pain, I'd be plased to read about it.
My situation:
BH-32
WW-30
Married-6 yrs
Children-2
A-01/02 to 11/02
D-Day-11/12
In shock, on the path to recovery

Well, I think you will get better, but totally the only thing that will help is time. Of course, I am angry a lot of the time, but ANGER is a FEELING, not a thought. I do this a lot lately, sort through feelings versus thoughts.

And going off on him? Well, I didn't go off on him when I was numb and he was coming out of this fog he was in. But when the anger started coming out, and he was coming out, man, he would have taken just about anything. He told me that he hated to have me constantly bring it up, but at the same time he understood that it was going to take a long time. His statement to me is that I have a million times now, is "This is a BIG thing, and if it takes me the rest of my life to prove my love for you, then I will," yeah, right like, I would live this miserable for over two years? I just keep telling myself, I will give myself a couple of years of therapy and see what happens.

What else do I have to lose? I could kick him out right now, and say, gee, I was in a fog and now I realize you are a big old cheating rat! And then I would feel really great while he cried and packed, and then I would have a big empty house and have you seen the date scene out there for 40 year old women? And what's to say that I am not going to get yet ANOTHER cheating rat? At least I have the opportunity to fix this one, and I do love him. After my initial feeling of total justice, I would miss him terribly. Truly, there is nothing else wrong in our relationship.

I think as we get older, we get a little wiser and a little more thoughtful about what we do and the consequences of our choices. What is right for the short term, might not be right for the long term...

Another good book to read is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. That book made me realize my wide range of emotions after discovery weren't unusual,,I wasn't going crazy. Very good. easy to read book with lots of VERY useful information.