I am the one who called THE WIFE.........and told her EVERYTHING........and i do feel like i brought them closer together because she actually had no clue......i know it seems decietful to pretend to be the wife, but i'm really just trying to understand......why should he (MM) get away with this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Just want to add that i always respected his wife......he's the one who did not respect his wife and their vows.....I would not like to be in her shoes..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

OK, that took guts to put it out here. You're probably going to hear about it;ignore the "judgement posts" and respond to those you offer respectful comments/criticisms. I think it is unfortunate that you started as the W and were really the OW. You fessed up and that's what matters. I won't judge you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i know it seems decietful to pretend to be the wife, but i'm really just trying to understand......why should he (MM) get away with this </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's interesting. Talk about that some more.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

You had no respect for his wife. If you did, you would not have gotten involved with a married man.

You also need to have respect for yourself. A married man cannot give you what you deserve. Why settle for crumbs?

I can understand that he should not have gotten away with it, but did his W deserve the pain?

First of all, you need to apologize to all those who gave you such heartfelt and thoughtful advice on your bogus post. Secondly, you need to figure out if you're in the right place. This site is for saving/building marriages (hence the name). It is not a place for lies and deceitful games. That's what your adulterous affair is for. Come back when you grasp the concept of "honesty", and if you're sincere about looking for answers here, there are plenty of people who will try to help you. But drop the phony act - it doesn't play here.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

"I would not like to be in her shoes."

.... I don't believe you. Nice try though.

What are you hoping to learn? Perhaps I can help you.

Pepper

Boilingover,
You sound very young... maybe I can share some advice for you, this coming from the betrayed wife who really received a call from the OW. Don't get involved with married men... do you really want to build a relationship around lies and deceit? Find yourself a man who you can respect along with love. I'm trying really hard to respect my husband again.
Also I hope you never have to come to this board as the BS because beleive me it hurts..
You may also be hurting but just imagine that hurt when you've been with someone for 23 years and three kids...you can't even begin to imagine.

You said: "I know it seems deceitful to pretend to be the wife..."

Actually ... it IS deceitful. It doesn't just seem to be your character to be deceptive... it actually is well within your character.

Can you say it this way instead... "I admit I was deceitful pretending to be the wife...."___???

For your personal journey of healing, you might consider this....

You got into this affair by telling yourself falsehoods. If you pretend a man is not married ... that doesn't make it true. If you avoid telling yourself the truths in your life, you'll end up living a lie. Your character development now has an opportunity to make a giant leap.

Stop phrasing things to make your adultery "seem" cleaner than it was.

Accept personal responsibility that this affair was something wrong ... and you knowingly participated in this wrong behavior by your own free will ... and suffer the consequences of your actions ... then MOVE ON to better ways of living your life!

Time to learn not to do this to yourself.

You'd like to blame MM for your poor choices (Why should he (MM) get away with this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

I have a very strong feeling you grew up in a confused and unhappy home.

Sorry you need to lie to yourself.

I wish you truth and courage the rest of your life!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Alright, first of all i am 40 years old....i am certainly not looking to be married to XMM and deal with little children and Xwife.....when we met he said he was seperated.....and did not want to be with wife anymore but she wanted to be with him....i don't think any of it was my business at that time....i am divorced for already 15 yrs. and have a 20 yr. old son.....i have always had great relationship with my ex husband and his new family......XMM's wife and children were and are HIS responsability, not mine.....Furthermore when we first met he was always with me and never wanted to go home...... i would push him to go take care of his family because its the right thing to do.....he eventually started being more present for his little girls....Xmm is 37yrs. old.....we were good for each other AT THAT TIME.....i believe everyone serves a purpose is everyone's life.....sometimes its forever and sometimes its for one day....that's life.....XMM was very confused in my opinion and i repeatedly tried to terminate our relationship only for him to come around again as friends...that doesn't work...XMM has cheated before and believes he will always have another woman in his life...i think since i called his wife he has changed his tune....I do want to apologize to all of you who have replied to my earlier post....i have never been involved in something like this before, he also made it clear to me that he needed me, that i was important to him....i had nothing to lose by knowing him, he did.....his mistake not mine.......when it became unbearable well i just wanted out i did not want him to laeve his wife and kids for me... that's not the right thing to do....it never works when you leave a good person for someone else......and his wife is a good person and so am i and so is he... he just made poor choices....as far as crumbs go i definetly did not get the crumbs.....i got the best part of him for the time we spent together....when i spoke to her she sounded like it happened, its over were moving on....i know he will do it again in time......

i feel like i want to talk to her because she feels like i am the bad guy here but i think her husband is the bad guy in all of this....he didn't seem to understand what the problem was..he would tell me, what does it matter if she's there as long as i am happy with him...the problem was that i felt that it wasn't fair that he would be with me during the day and with her during the night.....he also made sure that we go on vacation together once a year...but all that in the long run is no good for anyone.....so i decided it was time to take care of business...he will probably realize that i made it easier for him.....since we have not had any contact....my beef is that he hasn't been truthful to her therefore he only regrets getting caught meaning he wants to do it again......

Ok, I'm confused. You are both the OW and the wife? What gives?

Maggierose.....i am the XOW....i was married in the past for 12yrs....i know how it feels to be married....i think in most cases where the husband THINKS he's in love with OW, it's because other woman makes him feel like his wife USED to make him feel....he usually still loves his wife and will realize this only when his marriage is REALLY threatened....most married men that do this is because they want to feel IN LOVE again, they want someone to miss them and want them....let's face it how could you miss and want and desire someone who's with you everyday?....i knew that but he didn't i guess until now that his marriage is in jeopardy.....now they can turn to each other again.....

We were once side by side, then we were back to back, now we come face to face.......i hope in the end they won't hate me too much for bringing them closer......they say that the more you know someone the more you love them....they were back to back for a long time..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i feel like i want to talk to her because she feels like i am the bad guy here but i think her husband is the bad guy in all of this.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, you both were the bad guy. It takes two. You are right, you are not a bad person, but your decision was bad and reckless. You did the right thing by airing it all out. Yes he was unfair to you but also to himself and his W. There are no winners here. But you can ,and I think you will, become a better person for what happened. It's all you can do.

I would seek counseling and lean on family and friends. My best friend was an OM and I helped him through all the ugliness of it all. He felt the same way you do. I'm rambling here...

Why would you ever imagine that you are qualified to give relationship advice to anyone?

Pepper

I don't regret calling his wife as it really put and end to the relationship and i knew that...as far as getting help or counselling, i think i would need it more if i was still in the relationship....most men who have long term affairs usually do care about the other woman...mine probably hates me for now for causing him problems, but in the long run he will remember the good times for what they were worth....i think that once you love someone and have children with them, you love them forever whether you're with them or not.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pepper, its O.K that you feel the way you do about me...if you would know me better you wouldn't say that...i agree that i'm no expert at relationships or i probably wouldn't be here.....but i do believe that people should be sincere about how they feel when they are involved with someone....unfortunately most men are afraid to be honest with their wives or don't think that its necessary.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well I have to say this post is sickening!
You really think you did good don't you, let me tell you your analysis on why H's look for love elswhere sucks, you my dear have mo idea on reality and all you are trying to do is shift the blame onto the H, I have never seen an A where only one peson is involved!
You are in no position to give ANYBODY advise, you are and alway's will be the OW, and let me tell you you are certainly acting selfish and nasty. You lied to the people here and that was a shocking act and shows your lack of quality and true intent. How would you have felt recieving that call? Why did your first marriage end in divorce? Did you recieve a similar call....In your first post (The lying one) you stated that the H thought you crazy....I wonder if this was in fact true? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Anyway all I can say to you is I pity you and your ideas, and who knows maybe Karma really is a good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If you REALLY believed people should be sincere, you would not have lied your first post when you said you are a betrayed wife.

You have shown yourself as not a sincere person.

What I think of you is not your concern. Lies you tell yourself are your concern.

Take care.... your life is too precious to waste being caught up in lies and deceit.

Pepper

Wow, the pot is bubbling over on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't regret calling his wife as it really put and end to the relationship and i knew that </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, when you did this, somewhere in the back of your mind, did you have the hope that maybe, just maybe that he would choose you? I'll tell you up front that I would be skeptical if you say no.

I sense some fog talking here.

I will reiterate some of Pepperbands previous post. The A is not justified under any circumstances. You need to accept that. You have sort of danced around that here but have not fully accepted you part in this. You are not respecting yourself by doing this.

Marilyn1000, my first marriage ended because i wanted it to end....i was honest with my husband and left the relationship so that he could go on with his life and meet someone that is better for him and he did... we are still best friends after all these years and his current wife invites me over to the house because we have children in common and we all just get along... i'm sorry that this disturbs you...2ndly, when you say that i will always be the other woman (like it should bother me). i'm sorry i don't think we are on the same wavelength....you sound terribly bitter and upset...
Pepperband, i'm sorry and i apologized for that and i guess i didn't think i would be welcome as a XOW...i didn't feel that i could be myself if i lied. sorry..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i thought maybe i could help someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />