Yes I am terribly bitter and upset, a lot of people who visit this site are trying to deal with untruths and lies that they have endured, I do not appreciate coming to this safe haven to be lied to by you!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, if you would like to be taken seriously, you have set yourself back, that's for sure.

"I thought maybe I could help someone."

Really? Explain yourself then. Who do you propose to help by lying to them? And you say you value sincerity?

I think you are not so comfortable being you, and that's why you lied.

Pepper

Luki, i hope you believe me .....like i said before, his leaving his wife and two small children was not an option....i could not deal with kids hating me and the back and forth it would probably bring...i won't lie and say that it hurt me to let go of him....this happened 2 months ago...i'm feeling better now...but i guess his going back and forth was DRIVING ME CRAZY...i'm sure some of you can relate to that....i did what he couldn't do.....

boilingover,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> thought maybe i could help someone </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Before that comes helping yourself. You need to accept responsibility. I know these posts are tough medicine to swallow but they are what you must hear in order to come to grips. I would suggest re-reading these responses and think on them for a few days. I disagree with most of what you said and I think you are evading claiming ownership of your actions, but it does say something that you are here. Just trying to keep it positive.

Sorry i meant i won't say that it didn't hurt me to let him go...
Marilyn, i don't think anyone here is lying, i think if anyone is lying it's the men and women who cheat!!!
i feel that i was betrayed as well...why don't my feelings count? I'm as human as anyone here or there.....i believed him when he said to me that he loved his wife and he loved me in different ways... i understand that, why can't his wife?
i will answer my own question and say that she doesn't want to believe that her husband could actually feel for another woman because it hurts too much and it would be harder to go on with him....easier to believe that i was not important and who knows what else he said to her to save his [censored]....

"Luki, I hope you believe me." .... you may have to re-earn the right to be trusted as forthright. Sorry. You spent that initial trust coin unwisely. You seem to desire trust that you have not earned.

"I won't lie and say .....".... Yes, you will lie. Sorry.

See, Boiling..... when a relationship begins in lies ... the foundation is false. The adulterous relationships seldom thrive and become honorable, because there were lies at the beginning.

I sincerely wish you well.

Pepper

Why are you here? Are you in a marriage or relationship that you are trying to rebuild after your affair?

Or are you bored because the GloryB site is down again??? (These troublemaker OW visitors are really p!ssing me off...)

You're no innocent...and if you aren't building your own relationship, I wonder why you are here. You really have no business in your XMM's relationship with his wife...it is not your place...let the two of them work it out.

Whoops missed your last post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but i guess his going back and forth was DRIVING ME CRAZY...i'm sure some of you can relate to that....i did what he couldn't do..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm, that is an interesting take. I think you did what both of you couldn't do. By telling his W, you forced the issue. It made it almost a certainty that either the A would end or the M would end with little effort of his or your part. If you had the will power you would have just ended it w/o contact to the BS. It's like you did and you didn't. It's like you are in denial. Think about it for few days. JMO.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Well it sounds like you have accurately percieved that the relationship was a mistake, is over and should not be resurrected. You state you don't want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage and devastating the lives of 2 innocent young children. Good decision.

Now let it rest there and move on with your life. It's not your job to prove anything to MM's wife, their relationship is their own business. Leave them alone. NO CONTACT.

All you can do is take responsibility for your own actions. Be the best person you can be. That means no lying, and don't participate in adultery with a married man.

Espoir thankyou for your post.....you are right its not my business anymore thats why im here and not there...as far as Gloryb is concerned, BSs are welcome......i really don't get why you don't understand that i was lied to as well, he tried to brainwash me as he did his wife... wanted me to love him and trust him blindly, like his wife did.....where did it get her to trust him so much......on the phone with another woman....sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

when i spoke to her she sounded like it happened, its over were moving on....i know he will do it again in time......

Good for her I am glad that the two of them can move on and rebuild their marriage.....If he does it again in time I hope you have learnt a lesson and it won't be you.

Leave them in peace and find another man (Not a married one)

Yes ... you were lied to. Yet, you stayed for more than 2 years. Why?

You expected an honest relationship during adultery? Why?

Yes ... you hurt. I am sorry your heart is bruised. I also sense your pride is what's really bothering you.

Own this .... make this about YOUR poor choices and not about HIS lack of character. Yes, he lacks character, yet, your character saw him as a perfect fit for you. Why?

Have you been in more than one affair?

Pepper

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

OK, we are in to triple OT here,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i really don't get why you don't understand that i was lied to as well, he tried to brainwash me as he did his wife... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get that part about him lying to you, but you have to put the brakes on there.

No, he did not try to brainwash you. You have a will of your own. I say again, it takes two.

You did this to each other by both of you letting it become an A. It is not healthy to not accept this. I would bail on this topic for a few days. This is a lot to take in. Just think, really think about it. I really think counseling would be good.

I am tired and going to sleep. Take care and take time to reflect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Marilyn thanks, you're right....she does have a good attitude for making the marriage work and i'm happy that they will stay together because i can't picture his two little girls not see him everyday, they are adorable and they love him to death, and his wife is nothing but an amazing woman...he became quite the hands on kind of dad.....you're right when he does get itchy again it won't be with me, by then i won't care anymore...
Pepperband, you are also right, i do have feelings but i won't compare myself to his wife.....we were on and off for 2½yrs. YOU guys wonder why we stay with them and WE wonder why you stay with them. I guess we stay because we feel loved by them and you stay because you feel loved by them.....Although its easier for us to let go because we don't have kids and homes and other responsabilities with them......

Boilingover,

All it would have taken for you to end the relationship would have been to refuse to see the MM. Ending it didn't require that you call the wife. That's an untruth you are telling yourself because it's easier to believe you called for an altruistic reason as opposed to a vengeful one.

Your many comments are rife with opposing statements. You sound as if you are and have been experiencing a great deal of cognitive dissonance and have chosen to deal with it in your usual manner (or what you report as your usual manner).

You aren't really being honest with yourself. I would hazard that you aren't honest with yourself in many aspects. Counseling for you was suggested. Outside of the fact that you rationalise your relationship with a MM as being helpful, it might not be such a bad idea for you to consider and follow through with therapy to deal with patterns of self-deception.

You weren't an innocent bystander in the affair. You willingly aided in the commission of lies. You aided in the theft of time and emotional attachment. You allowed yourself to believe a MM telling you he was separated.

I seriously doubt any of what has been said to you here will have much, if any, effect on you UNTIL you are ready to take a good, hard look at yourself, your behaviours and the patterns in your life. Lies to yourself and others come too easily for you.

We tried to end it many times, but HE couldn't let me go, and it was too hard to refuse him, i was in love with him.....i don't expect you to understand passion if you have been married for a long time. i was also exclusively with him, therefore i turned to him for support and guidance in my life... in my opinion we would still be together if i hadn't done that..his wife also told me that she is happy to know....god knows he would have never told her....gees his wife was alot nicer to me than some of you guys........i guess you just can't handle the truth either..maybe you're afraid your husband felt the same way about his mistress.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

"I don't expect you to understand passion if you have been married a long time."

This remark exposes your ignorance of real love. Read Passionate Marriage by Schnarch. My 16-year-old feels passion ... passion alone doesn't support a relationship without respect.

"I guess you just can't handle the truth either."

Yes, not only can I handle the truth ... I live the truth. I do not live my life based on superficiality or lies. I do not borrow my happy moments from another woman's husband ... we create our own lives together. Husband and wife.

"Maybe you're afraid your husbands felt the same way about their mistress."

At one time I was confused about how he felt about her. (Nearly 7 years ago ... ) But, no more. She is like a fly in the universe to us now. She was a mistake. I wish her well.

Are you ready for an adult conversation yet?

Pepper

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Ok BO,

I just posted to you on the other thread, thinking you were the BS. NOw I see you are the OW?

Same question, you sure you aren't related to a chinese 47 year old woman in CA? hm...... ya know?

Well MB is here because of people like you. We suffer because people like you invade other's families for a variety of reasons. Think it is ok for your son to do what the WS is doing to your grandchildren or your future DIL?

NOw if you are really here to learn, go back to the other post and read what I suggested. You can benefit to, it is really up to you. Or you could continue to be an OW and grown into a much older but lonely woman. The choice is yours.

L.

Boilingover...hmmm...well first...I'm glad that you decided to admit that you were the Ow who had called the W in an effort to end the affair. I'm not for sure that this was the correct way of ending one, but then, I guess the main idea is that it is now over. Rather it was best this way, really doesn't matter, as we can't go back and change what has been done. Plus, you know best the dramatics of your situation and maybe this was the best option you could see at the time.

Hope you are able to walk your healing path and find happiness and love in your future. Ending any relationship is painful and I am sure that this has not been easy for you, either.

I pray that you find the strength of conviction to continue in NC with this man and allow him and his W to make of their future whatever they will without the distraction of your past relationship with him.

Good Luck.

Boilingover,

Is it really important whether or not I understand passion? C'mon. That is such a strawman argument, along w/ being ad hominem.

That really isn't the issue, is it? You are angry that MM didn't immediately leave his wife after your call to her. You are angry that you have spent 2 years in a relationship with someone who was also in a relationship with someone else -and you did it by choice. That's truth. Conjecture -you'll contact him again because you have little regard for yourself or others.

You're displacing much of that anger here. It's safe for you. You don't have to address the real issues and no one knows who you are and you can continue to practice self-deceit. Again, I suggest some kind of counseling that will help you address your anger, as well as the lying. Maybe learn some adaptive and mature coping mechanisms?

You are allowing yourself victim status. You aren't a victim in the scenerio. You had a relationship with a MM. You knew he was married. You knew he had children. The more you parade around in this false sense of victimhood, the longer it will take you to grow out of lying to yourself and others. Then again, that's your choice.