Background:
I found out about the affair in an ugly way. My wife was feeling weird, and commented about feeling like she did when she was pregnant. She took the test, and it came back positive. I knew she wasn't ready for another child, but she really freaked out. She called her mom in front of me, and kept saying to her " you don't understand..." We had a girl 14 months prior to this after 5 years of trying. We hadn't slept together for a stretch of about 4 weeks, but I put that down to our busy schedules, periods, etc.
I was okay with another child. We hadn't used any birth control in the past year, and thought if it happened, it happened. I was changing my daughter's diaper, when she came in and asked me how I felt about another child, and I said I was okay with it. She then said, " How do you know it's yours?" I thought she was kidding. She tried to cover and retract the statement, but it was out. I gave her 30 minutes to pack and get out.
Yes, she was pregnant, no, it wasn't by me. It was with an old boyfriend, who had a bad relationship with. She said it happened because she was frustrated with how her life was too routine. She hid their discussions from me for about 2 weeks because she knew I would be angry and would not allow them to be friends.
She said she felt immediate guilt and revulsion, and left immediately.
We decided to work things out, but I gave her the choice- me or the OM's child.
She had an abortion, and I even went to the appointment. We told family members that she lost the child, as she had 3 miscarriages before.
We are talking and working on our marriage every day. My game and my rules.
I feel the need for revenge.I want to destroy his life, but I realize that it would get messy and possibly extend our recovery period. Still, I am a proud man, and want to express to him that I know, and if I ever find out he is trying to contact her again, I will let the information out to his significant other. I have found out where he works, lives, and places he likes to go. I have the name and phone number of his S/O. Part of it is to let him know that he does not have the comfort that I don't know, part of it is my pride, and to improve my self confidence that I am taking action.

Sorry for the length of the message.
Let me know your opinions....

I would have to offer the advice NOT to contact him in any form. The affair is over, by doing any type of contact, you're blowing on the ashes and creating life in the dead affair.

It is unlikely that you will receive any long term satisfaction from confronting him. And you could really cause yourself and your W some major short-term problems, if your anger is unleashed. Even if you are able to control yourself, you're giving this OP power...by acknowledgement. Not a good idea.

Sure, if the affair was on-going, or if he attempts to re-connect, you may have to re-think as to what your action should be. But for now, keep your focus on your marriage. The OP is a non-issue.

Good Luck!

I agree wholeheartedly with just a wifey.

The danger of you losing control and possibly killing him is not worth the risk of losing your family and your freedom.

Instead consider having your WW writte to OM a letter of no contact in which she tells him that you already know who he is, where he works and where he lives. OM,like most OM's, is probably a coward and if he knows that you know who he is, he is probably going to move on.

hello russian--
first let me say that i understand the anger and wanting revenge--everybody here has felt that.
i would like to touch on a point that i didn't see anything else about (i haven't seen another thread by you so if this is stuff you've already heard i'm sorry for repeating). you told her to choose between you and OM's child? don't forget that it was her child too. i'm not going to blast you for that; that's not what this site is for. i only want to say that i think this is going to cause problems for you later if it hasn't already. also i would like to know, how did you come to the decision to do this? was it out of anger and revenge?

I could not face looking at her and how happy our entire family would be to know we were expecting another child. No one knows in our family at all. I can deal with the abortion, she says she can too. I was willing put her out of the house, and let her have it somewhere else. We would have never communicated again unless it was about our daughter. Will it bother me later? Not as much as seeing someone elses eyes looking up at me.
Will it bother her later? Hope so. I can forgive, but I don't want to totally forget about it. IT happened. It's real. There are consequences.

Wasnt going to post here anymore until i read your story.

I would most definatly confront the OM if he knew your wife was married. He should be punished as your wife should be. Spouses that cheat are a whole different species of human being in my mind. I think they are the next level of human evolution.

My wife cheated as well and took NO precaution about getting pregnant or a diseases (shes lucky she didnt get either). They didnt and dont care about anyone around them but themselves.

I dont believe anything my wife says about her affair and how she never loved him just wanted to see him and know him better etc.

Cheating spouses are weak selfish lying people that have no business trying to pretend they love others.

My wife now posts here which is one reason why i dont anymore.

She actually posted " I thought my husband was a coldhearted person, i guess i was wrong." etc.

I guess she forgot the times we fell a sleep talking about how much we loved eachother and were planning our lives, how i would go out and buy her desserts and wrestle around daily on the bed and lay on the couch watching T.V. almost every night, how i rushed her to the hosipital emergency room only to find out she had a stomach ache, how we would go camping and wake up to the sound of birds signing ans sing with the birds toghther, how i didnt want to go our dancing but did because she wanted to and i had my drink poisoned and went to the hospital, how she lost her wedding ring and I didnt even get mad because she put it somwhere and forgot it and bought her a new one, how just one day before she went on a trip to meet her family and the OM (i didnt know anything about her affair) we had a big talk about things are going to get better etc. (we went bankrupt, lost our house, i lost my business of 7 years etc.) one week before she slept with OM we spent all day watching my brother skydive and cuddled most of the day while she sat on my lap.

Forgot to mention she "kissed my brother" 2 years ago on new years.

These cheating spouses are never to be trusted or believed when they say they love you, they dont because they will say they love you 5 minutes before and after they have just got done having unprotected sex with another person. I know this because my wife sent me emails from the OM house. She thought she was so safe being that the affair she was having was in Norway and i was in the U.S.
I just wish/pray it was local and the OM new about the affair. I would beat him unconcious and slap my wife all around the room.

I asked my wife back and thing are going fine for her but im a loose cannon all the time, i can be normal and hug my wife and feel like i love her then blow up in a rage. The thoughts in my mind are uncontrollable, i truely trusted my life with my wife like i have never trusted anyone. She has changed my whole view on being human.

I think you did the exact right thing with your wife. There has to be consequences even if you love the person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostbuthopeful:
<strong>
i would like to touch on a point that i didn't see anything else about (i haven't seen another thread by you so if this is stuff you've already heard i'm sorry for repeating). you told her to choose between you and OM's child? don't forget that it was her child too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W had an A. I have forgiven her and we are well down the road to recovery. But, I have to say I agree with Russian. If my wife had become pregant by the OM, I would have given her the same choice. OMs child or me. There are limits, and to expect me to raise another mans child goes beyond those limits.

Michael
Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

i would not expect my husband to raise a child fathered by someone else during our marriage--not thati would allow that to happen. and my views are probably more emotionally based bc for several reasons--
1. i am a woman and a mother.
2. i have had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn baby.
3. i could never imagine choosing a man over my child (even my husband)

i am not trying to start a debate, only giving my POV. the loss of a child has a huge impact on a woman, even when it was her choice. i have never had an abortion, but from family members that have gone through it, i have learned that the grieving process is just as bad, with even more guilt bc it was their choice. the main point i was trying to make is that you should be prepared for her to go through this process, which may take years. and also be prepared for her possibly one day blaming you for it. i'm not saying it's right for her to blame you--it was ultimately her choice.
i do wish you well--i hope everything works out for you and your W.

russian - I validate your emotions.

The choices were made and are done.

Let's get back to your original question: confront OM?

I'm with wifey and coffeeman. Assuming the affair is over, there is nothing tangible to be gained in a confrontation other than emotional discharge.

You see, this is not about him, it's about your marraige. You wrote, "She said it happened because she was frustrated with how her life was too routine."

See?

He was just a symptom of the illness in your marriage. The drug of choice. Confronting him does nothing to cure your marraige.

Yep, at times I think I'd like nothing more than to kick the OM in my situation in the groin. Pure pond scum. If given the opportunity to save his life, I'm not sure I'd accept it. But then I remember how much better a man I am than him. And, if I saved his life, he'd have to live with that!

Think of the power you have over him by NOT confronting him! If you confronted him, he could rationalize that he faced you, you had your say, and now he has closure. "Whew! It's over, once and for all!" He could walk away relieved.

Stay on the moral high ground and ignore him. He'll always be looking over his shoulder for you.

i've been in your shoes too.i went to confront the om.the day i finally biult up the nerve to go he wasn't to be found.i guess thats locky because the state of mind i was in its hard to tell what would have happened.my intention was just to talk and get some answers.while sitting my my truck outside his house i found myself looking through my truck for something,anything i could use the bash his head in.i sat there for hours waiting for him.people noticed me and i realized it so i just left.i'll never know what would have happened that day.now i'm glad.i would do my family no good sitting in jail.my wife and i were making progress until that.it set off some more friction that took even longer to get over.
i did speak to him a few times but he always cut it short.i still have no idea what he looks like.he could live next door and i would know(if he changed his name).
i wouldn't mind running into him but decide not to persue it.best if you didn't either.
i would also like to comment on the child issue.we also had a pregnacy scare.lucky it was negative.but until that test result i was a wreak.all i could think about was if i could raise another mans child.that child would be a constant reminder of what happened.notlike the park where they met or the restuarant where they ate,those places could be avoided.a child could not.i was'nt sure if i would be able to love that child.once again i didn't have to face that.but the fear was there.for surviving an affiar it is recommended that all ties be severed with the op.a child would would creat an environment that would keep the tie.i'm not one for abortion but i feel you did the right thing.there was no easy solution.it would be hard for anyone to make any judgements until they are in that place.i hope i never have to make such a decision and hope you never have to again.
to end this i just want to reiterate,,do not contact the op.you want your wife to sever the ties,you must also do the same.some sugest a letter to him.why give the pleasure of even hearing your thoughts.if he is scum enough to mess with your wife he probably could care less how you feel.and honestly do you really care how he feels?

russian,
The "revenge" theme has been around here longer than I have (which is a long long time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) Beleve me, I DO know how you feel. There have been many posts in the past dealing with contacting the OP and the results. The vast majority of the results have NOT been positive. Some of the contacts involved jail, some court issued restraining orders, some police interference, and some with just plain uncomfortable repercussions. Please think VERY carefully before you act. The few moments of satisfaction would NOT be worth jail time. And guess who would be around to comfort your poor lonely W while you sat in jail! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Not to mention you have a baby daughter to think of.

Take one day at a time. TODAY you will not act on your impulses. It will get easier to put those vengeful feelings aside in time. I promise. And, in the end, you will be proud of the restraint you showed and the fact that you held yourself above seeking revenge.

Wife and I came to an understanding.She is to have zero contact. If he contacts her, she is to let me know immediately, and he becomes fair game for me to address my issues with him. I know enough about his life to make his life miserable. He will suffer some consequences for his actions. I'll let you know what happens.

russian - the tone of your last post sends up red flags for me.

You are very focused on OM - perhaps at the expense of not focusing on the real problems in your marriage. The problems were there before he came around and unless you address them, there will be another OM or an OW for you.

We can't make you ignore him and you can't make him and your W ignore each other.

Please shift your focus. Otherwise, we can't help you.

WAT

Not to thread-jack here, but an interesting theory regarding contacting OM was brought up to me by Cerri. I am currently wrestling with this one right now.

I have OM's email address and confronted him via a short email on D-Day. Didn't go over too well with my W but it DID make OM feel bad/guilty.

Of course I'm now close to 2 months out from D-Day, but I recently sent my WW a Plan A letter last week. A very nice letter you may have read (it's posted around MB) that basically told my W I want to work on our M and I still loved her.

Cerri has suggested that I send this Plan A letter via email in its entirety to OM directly via email, asking him to back off and telling him that I still love my wife and he is coming between us.

Now, while I feel this WILL affect OM in some way in seeing this, not to mention show him I still love my W (she may be telling him differently) but I worry what the effect of doing this will have on my WW and her feelings towards me. She will likely see this as an attempt to sabotage her happiness with OM and a betrayal.

I'd be interested to hear what everyone thinks of this as well, I realize this isn't my thread but perhaps russian can gain some insight from the responses to this scenario as well?

ALS