Sorry for the lengthy letter but I just emailed it to the admin adress and they advised I post it here...any thoughts
I just had the opportunity to read your article “How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages.” I found this to be an extremely enlightening article. My wife has struggled with panic and anxiety attacks for years. She has received professional help for the past seven years and has seemingly made great strides to ridding herself of this illness. Unfortunately, I believe it has been at the expense of our marriage. My wife and I have been married for nineteen years. We have three young boys ranging in age from 5 to 14. My wife struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for a good portion of our marriage. During this period, she was extremely dependent on my family and me. She was pretty much home bound. She was unable to drive and leave the house without another adult traveling with her. My wife sees this period of her life as me liking the way she was because it allowed me to control her. She sees herself as the helpless victim of a controlling spouse. I could understand her point, and in some instances, I do believe that I took control of our relationship. I felt it was out of need. I do believe that during this time I lost faith in my wife’s ability to manage our house and in some ways herself. I was a sole income and very concerned about our financial being and security. In many ways I think I was battling my own form of anxiety. It didn’t completely overwhelm me, but it did altar my thoughts and behaviors. I buried myself in my work and schooling in an effort to insure employment, or maybe avoid the troubles at home.
While I am not sure because I did not attend any of my wife’s sessions, I believe that she was lead to believe that she was co-dependent. Since she has begun to move away from her anxiety, she has shown a great deal of resentment and anger toward me. She feels that I have in some way prevented her from “being all that she can be.” Her new enlightenment and the degradation of our marriage began about three years ago; about the same time she started getting over her anxiety attacks. Since then, my wife has been involved in three affairs, all beginning from the Internet. The first two were for all practical purposes emotional affairs with little or no physical contact. The last affair, that is still currently ongoing, is both emotional and physical. This last affair has been going on for approximately 2.5 years. The first relationship didn’t last very long as my wife found out that this person wasn’t who or what he portrayed himself to be. The second affair ended in a similar manner as this individual lied about not having children. My wife is unaware that I now why the second one ended, I had found a letter from him to her trying to ask for forgiveness. Needless to say, my wife has told me that I was the reason this relationship didn’t last and that I made her stop talking to this guy. She continues to blame me for the end of this relationship. She is very bitter today about this.
The reason I believe my wife was “duped” into believing she was co-dependent is because she has many, if not all, of the solution points you mention in the article to cure generalized anxiety. I would have to agree with you that it is a recipe for sociopathic behavior. Again, your point about the spouse driving their spouse out of their lives with their “new” self is extremely accurate. My wife’s hostility and complete contempt for me seems to become more and more intense everyday. She finds fault in everything I do and most things I’ve done. Many of the issues that she sites as reasons for her feelings toward me happened 5 to 10 years ago. Some of the issues are accurate and I have tried to rectify these behaviors, but for every behavior I improve there is another waiting in the wing. I have accepted responsibility for the things that I have done that have caused my wife problems. I have apologized and promised to continually to work toward controlling and eliminating these behaviors. We have separated once at her demand. I feel it was for her to free her for an affair, but of course she will tell you it was for breathing space. She is currently asking me to leave after the holidays. My wife attends school three to four nights a week and has to do all day lab classes two to three times a week. Right now, most if not all, of the kid’s homework, religious ed. and after school activities fall to me. To move out now while she is still in school I believe will take a terrible toll on my children. She should be finished with school by June 2003. I’ve told her that if she likes she could move out but she said she would not leave her kids, not our kids, her kids. I told her she should see a lawyer and look into divorce but she told me to. I’m exhausted.
Is there anywhere I could find information on the right way for a person/spouse to manage in a relationship where one of the spouses has been treated or has anxiety. Your article just states that we should “pity the person who has an anxiety disorder. Or more to the point, pity that person’s spouse.” Well, I’m not looking for pity. I’m looking for help. I still love my wife and want to save my family from the pains of a divorce. Your article was great but I need more. I need to know what is the best way to act, respond and manage a person who is going through this transformation. Does Plan A and Plan B work for this situation? Should I move out when she asks or should I stand my ground and stay? Please, any insight would be great.
<small>[ December 05, 2002, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: YOAOTBF ]</small>
