I'm a 29 year old BW. My WH is 37. We have been married 7 years. WH has a daughter from a previous marriage, SD14. I have a son from a previous marriage, DS9. We have one child together, DD5.

I became suspicious that something was going on in Feb. of 99. WH was several hours late coming home from work one evening. Out of concern, I called his work and they told me that he clocked out at a few minutes past 4:30pm which was his normal time. It was past 7:00pm when I called his work. I rushed around to get my vehicle started and the kids bundled up to go look in the ditches on the side of the road for him. I had recruited WH's family to help me search for him.

I was buckling the kids in when he finally pulled up. I was so relieved to see him at first. When I asked him where he had been, he told me that he had just gotten off of work and was driving fast and had gotten a ticket for speeding on his way home. I asked him why he didn't call me and let me know that he was going to be several hours late and he told me that he didn't think about it.

I informed him that I had called his work and they told me he had left at his normal time. He said that they must have been looking at what time he was scheduled to get off of work, but that they made him stay over (first time ever). He was adamant so I believed him. He handed me the speeding ticket (first ticket he had ever gotten) and asked me if I wouldn't mind going by the courthouse the next day to pay it off. I agreed.

The next day, I looked at his ticket to see what amount I was suppose to pay and saw that the officer had written the location where he had stopped him at as an area 10+ miles in the opposite direction of home from his work. I held on to the ticket and confronted WH again when he got off of work. He told me that the officer had been mistaken because he got stopped only a couple of miles from our house.

I dropped it because I wasn't getting anywhere with it. I decided to wait until he got his paycheck for that pay period to see if his "overtime" showed up. Sure enough, it didn't. I pointed this out to him and he told me that they had cheated him out of his pay and that he would straighten it all out the next day. The next day turned into the next week and the next week turned into the next month with him conveniently forgetting each and every time.

It didn't help that two weeks after he was late coming home from work that I got a call from OW. All I heard was a female voice say "Oh Sh*t!" before hanging up the phone. Before I could even take my hand off of the phone from hanging it up, it rang again. This time it was a man demanding to know who he was speaking to. I told him that he was that he was the one who called me and I asked him who he was. He introduced himself as OW's husband and then asked if I was a friend of OW. I told him that I had never met or heard of OW before in my life. OH then asked me who my husband was. When I told him, he started using foul language and told me that he knew all too well who my husband was. I asked him what he meant and OH told me that him and his wife worked with WH. He explained to me that he had suspected something had been going on and that was why he took the night off of work (OW worked 1st shift with WH and OH worked 2nd shift). Out of curiousity, I asked him where they lived and explained that WH got a speeding ticket in such and such area a couple of weeks ago. OH got mad and told me that it was his house he was coming from because his wife's car had broken down and she had gotten a ride home from someone she worked with, but he was told it was a female co-worker that drove her home. Right after that, OH abruptly apologized for dragging me into their marital mess and hung up.

I was so furious that I was shaking by the time I hung up the phone. When WH got home just a few minutes later, I again confronted him and he claimed no knowledge of these people or what was going on. Since I couldn't prove anything, I decided to start snooping. WH went to even greater lengths to exclude me from his recreational life, his work life, and physically withdrew from our marriage by staying gone 18 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I began checking up on him here and there and watched from a distance as he engaged in three PA's with three separate women. As a SAHM with a disabled daughter to care for, I was in no position to leave him so I totally withdrew. I stopped checking up on him because I couldn't take any more humiliation and shame. We had an emotional divorce for almost three and a half years.

This past summer, FIL passed away suddenly. I decided life was too short to be so miserable and I asked WH to move out by the end of July and told him that I wanted a divorce. WH asked me to give him a chance during the month that he had to find another place to live and if he failed to change my mind, that he would move out and grant me an uncontested divorce.

The very next day, he made an appointment with a doctor, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. WH revealed that he was a sex addict who had lost total control of himself when his grandfather passed away in '98. WH began couseling, started taking medication for depression, began going to church, started coming straight home from work and staying home, being caring and considerate, spending time with me and the kids for a change, taking me out on dates, and generally trying his hardest to make changes in his life.

By the end of July, we decided to try to work together on our marriage. We've made a lot of progress, but recently we came to a standstill. Out of fear of getting hurt again, I began to withdraw. His lack of openess and honesty has been a major roadblock. I can't move forward without it. WH will only admit to the things that I already know about, but refuses to tell me anything else that went on. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but I still feel the need to know the true extent to what went on.

I found this website a while back and decided to come back and use some of the helpful advice here to get us back on track. I printed off page after page of information for him to read (computer screens hurt his eyes). He read them last night and he is still working on the questionaires.

Everything has hinged on his grandfather's death. He was very close to his grandfather. I wasn't with him when he got the call that his grandfather had passed. I was doing the grocery shopping and had the kids with me. He told me that he felt betrayed by me not being there for him and after that, he withdrew from me emotionally after a while. He told me that he felt like he couldn't depend on me to be there for him when he needed me which caused him to hold a great deal of resentment against me. He verbally lashed out at me repeatedly over little things, but I took it in stride because I accepted it as part of his grieving process.

He told me that he resented me and hated me for so long over not being with him that soon it became habit even after he had long forgotten why he had started resenting me in the first place. He said that looking back, he felt a little immature and foolish because there was no way that I could have known that his grandfather was going to pass away. He said that by that time, he had done so much that he was ashamed about that he didn't think that there was any way he could face me so he just started staying away from home even more.

I have only begun to get a taste of the resentment I am carrying around inside me, but I am fighting my Taker urges. WH read the papers I printed off for him and we started talking about it. I told him that I needed some real openess and honesty from him if we were going to be able to make some real progress. He's been lying to me for so long that our entire evening was spent with him telling me stories that were in direct conflict with each other. For example, he would tell me that he "never" talked to such and such woman, but then would later tell me about a conversation that they had. When I would point out the discrepancy, he would tell me that I'm nitpicking at him.

I asked him to come home today ready to tell me the truth and nothing but the complete, total, open, and honest truth. I want to save my marriage, but if all I am going to get from him are half truths and outright lies, I am afraid there isn't much of anything to save. I feel as though my life and my marriage is in so much turmoil that I'm not sure how much more I can take. I just feel sick to my stomach thinking about all of this. I refuse to go into an emotional divorce again without an actual divorce to go with it. I'd rather be divorced than exist like that again.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for listening to my rambling introduction of myself and the difficulties I'm facing.

...and heart-hurting difficulties they are for you to be living through; they're even painful for us to read. I'm very sorry, lorac.

But you've done a very good thing for yourself by posting here. We'll give you all the help and counsel that we can. Sorry that you're here and in pain but now we can help with our thoughts.

Sounds as though you've made some definite decisions about the ways this mess needs to be handled, and that's a very good and strong thing for you. You will need to set these boundaries with him and stick to them so that he knows you mean business. It's really up to him now whether he wants to save your marriage; you've made things very clear. If he chooses not to honor you, your marriage, and your requests for openness and honesty as a necessary preliminary to any rebuilding, you will learn what you need to know about his present ability to recommit to your relationship. So, we wait to see what today brings. I'm hoping it's a ray or two of sunshine; you deserve it!

Please post again, lorac, and let us know what happened with H and how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

Thank you Ammon. I am absolutely dreading this evening even though part of me welcomes it. I know things can't continue in limbo forever. WH is off of work tomorrow so maybe we can have some real and meaningful conversations. Otherwise, he'll be using the time to relocate. I'm staring at the clock and watching as the seconds tick by until he comes home.

Good luck tonight Lorac. Let us know how it goes.... Peace be with you, no matter what.
db

Lorac -
Guess I'll be the devil's advocate here...
I understand how devastated you are and how you feel you can't go on any longer. I know you want closure. But please, make sure that before you call it quits this is what you really want. Give your WH time to get to that openness & honesty. Look back over the last few months & ask yourself (honestly) has he made any progress? Has he started opening up more? Are there real signs of change? If not, then I'll be the first one to say "draw the line in the sand". But be absolutely sure that you're not asking too much too soon.

I say all this because I went through months of trying to "save" my M, but with absolutely no help from my WH. I would have given anything to have had him working with me, reading this site, going to MC. But he had given up on us before D-Day (altho I didn't realize it) and was only going through the motions of saving our M. Probably to make himself feel better, so he could justify leaving in the end. Our Dv will be final by the end of Dec. I know there is nothing more I could have done to save my M, and I'm peace with myself over that. I hope, if you decide to end it with your H tonite, that you can say the same. jmho.

Best of luck to you tonight.

<small>[ December 05, 2002, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Lorac,

I hope all goes well tonight.

Update:

I am simply reeling from shock, but I did start getting some honesty from him which I greatly appreciated. I suppose I need to update my profile after the bombshells that went off here last night. WH confirmed the one suspected PA and informed me of 2 others that were long-term PA's. He also told me that he had quite a few EA's going on at any one time so as to keep OW lined up for PA's. He also told me that it started in '97 with a co-worker who he also played softball with (he said he admired her athletic talent at first). That PA lasted for a year and a half.

It escalated from there. I am still struggling to digest all of the information. He told me that he never once thought of my feelings through it all and that he is really ashamed about that now. Even when I told him that I wanted a divorce, my feelings never crossed his mind. He only thought about how the divorce was going to affect him. It wasn't until after he got on medication for his depression that he was able to consider that I even had feelings.

He is making an effort to be honest even though he is still telling little lies here and there, but he stops himself and apologizes before continueing with the truth. Either that or he will come back a few minutes later and tell me that he lied and then tell me another version. I don't know if it is the truth or not. I am so utterly frustrated that I want to scream.

He said that the reason he didn't want to talk about the past was because he didn't want to face how his actions made me feel. I told him that I had a right to those feelings because they belong to me so long as he is my husband. Hiding the past is like trying to hide from me how I am suppose to feel.

Needless to say, I am still reeling from all of this stuff. The bad part about it is that I know there is more that he hasn't told me yet. I am feeling so betrayed and angry, but I have been able to keep my composure because my desire for honesty is greater than any anger I could even come close to feeling right now.

We haven't even touched the questionaires that we filled out yet and I'm not sure of when we will even be able to get to them. Just from what he has told me so far and from what I recall of our marriage, I see where I did not meet his needs for recreational companionship (hence the reason there was room for his work/recreational companion to turn into an OW) nor did I meet his need for admiration of his athletic talent. That is not to make excuses for his sexual addiction as an underlying factor in all of this. The problems were compounded by his lack of consideration of my feelings from the beginning.

He has come out of the fog of his A's and wants to work on this marriage. There is progress being made even though I am so near the end of my rope. For right now, his desire to save things has been the only thing that has kept me going at times. I do feel as though there is a chance, despite all of the lies and infidelity.

We live in such a small town that I am so humiliated. How do I go buy groceries without totally hanging my head in shame? How do I face WH's extended family (who knew about his behavior the entire time and have even covered up for him) without losing my temper with them? How do I keep it together so that I don't commit some major love busters? I need major doses of self-control today and this weekend. I guess it is a good thing that I feel so beat down and defeated that I don't even have the emotional strength for anything. WH played me a song last night off of my Christmas music CD's. It was from Michael Bolton "Our Love Is Like A Holiday." I was so sad that I couldn't even cry when I listened to the words.

Thanks for listening to my rambling update. You guys are a Godsend. For once, I can talk about our problems without being told to leave him and without being criticized for staying with him despite all of this. Thank you so much!

Lorac -
It's important that you not be too judgemental or angry since he has started to open up and be honest (or try to be honest) with you about his past As. I know that has to be the hardest thing but radical honesty requires a safe environment for the revealation. Sounds like you did pretty good though.

I live in a small town, too. So I can totally relate to that aspect. As far as the relatives who covered up for him? I couldn't begin to give advice for that. I think they have to be as low as the other women who cheat with married men, if not lower. They aren't "in love" or "in fog" so what is their excuse? How can THEY look at YOU in the eyes. That's how I look at it.

Did you two talk about counseling?

Are you glad you know all about it or not? I am wondering this more for information for myself.

Good luck this weekend. You'll need lots of patience and KLEENEX!
DB

lorac, with all the things you have been told by WH, it is important to remember, baby steps, you have had soooo much to digest that you couldn't possibly have any room for more. When you said he played the MB song and you could not cry, well that is telling you, "hey, my psyche has had enough and is way overloaded and I have to process all this slowly for all of it to make some sort of sense to work thru. Sometimes when hit with so much we have to shut down some of our senses to regain strength, that is why this site is so important and helpful. It has been a godsend for me as well. Know that you are in our thoughts and keep posting so we may help you as you will be there to help someone else by sharing your posts. Take Care.

Lorac --

An overwhelming update! Whew! Let me catch my breath! You had suspected that last evening quite possibly would be monumental in significance, but... What an amount to have to digest, and the possibility of more to come. What you had dreaded seems to have become reality but, as you said, a part of you welcomed the disclosures and these steps toward closure. Always better to know than not to know. You can't wrestle with demons about which you know nothing.

Neesha, as usual, has excellent advice. (Hi, Neesha, glad you're still around these boards!) Lorac: we're here for you even more now. We are most definitely "in for the duration" with you. Use us, let us help, don't ever think you're going through this by yourself, because you're not.

I feel so badly for you but I can tell by your posts that you have a sensible and solid strength which will stand you in good stead throughout this ordeal. We are here for you...

Ammon

Thank you all. WH and I went to marriage counseling for a while. It only lasted long enough to get us out of the emotional divorce we were in. Once we began communicating again, the counselor ended our sessions even though WH still uses him for his individual counseling for sexual addiction. I am still in contact with the counselor for WH's individual stuff so the door is still open for us there. We are suppose to come back as needed if we stop making progress.

WH has been working hard to redefine his sexual boundaries into healthier boundaries. We've had a few helpful revelations during his therapy sessions. Until then, WH did not even understand what constituted flirting or a pick up. He saw anything less than wanting a full marital committment as perfectly normal and acceptable behavior in his own mind, but realized enough to know that he needed to hide this behavior. WH had extremely unhealthy examples set for him growing up. His parents were maintained an openly swinging lifestyle and the man he idolized (his grandfather who has passed) was a serial adulteror.

While we were in the depths of discussion this afternoon, GMIL paid us an unannounced visit. It didn't take much to figure out that it was a bad time to visit, but GMIL saw all the papers we had laid out. Putting two and two together, she informed WH of the toll his grandfather's behavior took on their 50+ year marriage and told him to straighten his act up before he killed every ounce of love I had for him just like his grandfather had done in her. That's when my floodgates broke and I had to leave the room.

She left before I came back out. WH waited for me to sit down before kneeling in front of me. He told me that he did not want to kill all of the love I had for him. He told me he was sorry for the past 7 years worth of mistakes and asked me to give him a chance to prove it to me. I told him that he was already getting his chance so that he better make the best of it. He told me some other mushy stuff. Very rarely have I seen WH cry, but he did that this afternoon.

I told him that I would have a lot of issues to work out and a lot of resentment to overcome if he could be patient with me. It's been a really hard day and a half so far. I know my worst fear out of all of this is that I am terrified that he will do this again. I'm only holding it together by getting my frustration about it all out here.

I'm glad GMIL stopped by even if it was a surprise and even though what she had to say was even more of a shock. Hopefully the rest of this evening will pass uneventfully. Thank you all.

Dazedblonde,

Actually, I am very relieved to know. It is as though his ability to tell me things that he know will hurt me has helped me to believe that he is trying to be honest with me. I guess it is almost as if his honesty leads me to hope that he will continue to be honest regardless of how hurtful the information. It's also better than the demons of doubt and wonder that I've been fighting inside myself. It's like the truth is razor sharp rocks thrown under my feet, but at least it lets me know that my feet are on solid ground. I would much rather be cut on the rocks than to not even know whether real ground even exists. I know that is vague, but it's the best I can describe the relief even if that relief hurts.

Lorac --

GMIL's visit was no accident or coincidence. A "bad time" for her to visit? I say the best possible time for it to happen. Couldn't have been scripted any better. Sometimes things happen in life that are far too good not to be seen and acknowleged for what they are: fortuitous, inexplicable, marvelous, and perhaps even miraculous (but that remains to be seen).

I have hope for the two of you. You've told him that he's "already getting his chance" to make this up to you and to right this ship. Then you go on to say a very beautiful and ultimately loving thing: "I have a lot of issues to work out and a lot of resentment to overcome if he could be patient with me." Brought tears to my eyes.

Lorac, I wish you the very best and smoothest journey with this. May you find the peace and contentment that you deserve.

Ammon

Thanks Ammon and everyone else who has been helping me cope. I never did find out what GMIL actually came over for. It was very strange for her to simply show up without calling first. WH and I are sitting down today and writing out our plans on what he can do to demonstrate his honesty, rebuild some level of trust, etc, etc, etc. This website is great and has helped so much. I am trying to open up to his love bank deposits. He bought pizza for supper last night so that I wouldn't have to cook. Instead of getting his favorite toppings, he got half and half of mine and his favorites. He even had them put on extra sauce like I like. It was nice.

Lorac --

Maybe the corner has been turned?

Thanks for your heartwarming update. Mmmmmm, pizza with extra sauce...yummy!

Keep us involved in this. We're pulling for you.

Ammon

Pizza huh.....I got Filet Mignon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> BO

LORAC.....so you got PIZZA and VERBAL DIAHREA from your CHEATING HUSBAND....how romantic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> WHY are you still talking to him after ALLLLL the AFFAIRS he's had and counting... you guys just won't listen to me huh? oh well...keep watching your clock tick away while he's whith OW eating prime rib....bringing you home PIZZA ...oh....with YOUR favorite topping....How thoughtful...he must REALLY care..LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> BO
P.S. my XMM did that alot, bring home pizza to wifey.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

boilingover,

It seems the two of us are not as different as you like to think even though there are slight differences between us. It is true that I have chosen to stay with WH. It is also true that you chose to be with a MM (who knows if WH and MM are one and the same) for 2 and a half years knowing that he was being unfaithful to you and that was fine by you. Just because I have the legal rights as his wife (and therefore can not be cast away in a casual conversation) does not make you superior to me regardless of how much you would like for it to.

From your post, you think too highly of yourself in your assumption that I am the wife of the MM you were with. With that in mind, I can not contribute to your self-glorification of your actions by sinking to your level. Thank you for thinking of me to extend such an opportunity, but no thank you. If you would truly like to be helpful to the people on this forum, I would suggest being supportive of their decisions instead of putting out thinly veiled "I told you so's".

Don't listen to this person lorac. She is just a lonely 40 year old and getting less pretty and older with each day... with nothing better to do then try to take other women's husbands away to prove her selfworth. Ya see women like her go after MM because it is the forbidden fruit and it makes them feel OH SO IMPORTANT if they can take a MM away from his W. In their worped minds they think because they succeeded, that they are the better woman. OH,'HE WANTED ME INSTEAD OF HIS WIFE. I'M SO IMPORTANT!' Think about it, how important would you feel if some man was willing to risk his marriage for you. The sorry thing is, they aren't doing it for the OW, they are doing it for their own selfish reasons. She's miserable, so she wants everone else to be and thats why she posts her scarcasm here. She doesn't have a MM to make her feel important anymore so she has to come to this forum and get a rise out of everyone for her little self esteem boost.
Ya know BO you are pathetic. Really darling you are. And by the way the name (B.O.) really fits. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I've never in my life seen someone get so much pleasure out of making others miserable. Why do you even care if BS's here try to make their M's work? Its none of your business. If it works it works if it doesn't then its not your concern anyway. You are definitely one angry person, and extremely jealous because most of the MM on this forum WANT to be back with their W's instead living YOUR WAY of life...... in sin. They say misery loves company. I truly believe that now.
Pizza huh.....I got Filet Mignon BO
Yeah, I'm sure you did cuz he got a piece of a$$, how stupid are you????? don't you realize he just wanted to get his money's worth out of you? Your behavior represents nothing better then a hookers, only your pay wasn't money it was food. Ha Ha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> thats too funny.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> oh well...keep watching your clock tick away while he's whith OW eating prime rib....bringing you home PIZZA ...oh....with YOUR favorite topping....How thoughtful...he must REALLY care..LOL BO </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you are oblivious! Maybe you are, or maybe you have just never been treated with love or respect...... It wasn't the pizza or what was on it that was thoughtful, it was the fact that he didn't want her to have to cook, he was thinking of HER. Sorry if thats hard for you to understand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , you know, that the H actually WANTS to spend time with his W. It does happen you know, when they realize how sleazy and dirty they feel after they realize they made the biggest mistake of their lives being with dirty a crotch cricket. Ya see, the thing is, they realize that they were thinking with the wrong head.... you know, the one with no brain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and when they stop thinking with that head, and use the one with the brain in it they only want to repair their M.
Why don't you crawl back under your rock, you are not liked or respected on this board. We have had opinions from numerous OW here and if they have valuable information to share then we listen and learn from them, and respect them as they do us, but you don't give good advice or respect, all you want to do it hurt or mock and all you spew out is vomit. Vomit smells worse then BO!

Thank you Trynhrd.

To get back to the intent of my post, WH and I had a wonderful day today. Seems he realized how shallow and unfulling his "other" life had become. While I have been aware of his PA's, I was in a state of emotional divorce from him and his actions. I have never ever told him that I wanted a divorce before this past summer. There was no ultimatim given, no effort on my part to work this thing out. It was WH who went the extra mile to make changes in his life in an effort to even convince me to give our marriage another chance. That included severing all ties with all of the OW.

It was with the help of counseling that he realized that these OW were only out to use him for whatever scraps they could get. I do feel good about my decision to stay and work things out. Just because we were both emotionally bankrupt doesn't mean we have to stay that way.

Thank you for being so supportive. That was not a confrontation that I was really prepared for, but it did help me overcome the wonder and worry about these other women. It helped me greatly to see why WH chose to stay with me rather than take his chances with that type of life to look forward to.