moving forward,<P>That's what I was addressing in my "eaten" post yesterday.<P>For me, it's been very easy. I think of this baby as "mine"---he doesn't remind me of the affair at all, at least not in a negative way. It's God's affirmation that great good can come out of very bad circumstances---and I give thanks to Him that I'm blessed with this truly wonderful child. <P>My only disclaimer is that I may feel differently during his teen years... <P>I had the same fears that you had too. I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to bother or haunt me, but I couldn't be sure---I had never done this before. But if you love children and have a patient heart, I think you'll be fine.<P>You should also start focusing on trying to forgive the OW. Pick a different emotion for her than anger---pity is a good one. If you can forgive her, you'll have cut the puppet strings that she's yanking your emotions with. Remember that forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself!

Dearest Moving Forward: I'm so very very sorry to learn that you are in my shoes (or somewhat like my shoes). I've been living through a NIGHTMARE for the past 3 years (the time I suspected my H was having an affair with our 7 mo. old daughters' daycare teacher). Just like your H, I didn't find out until April of 1998 that they did indeed have an affair ( she was pregnant with his child) I begged him to wait and do a DNA test before he had any involvement wtih her, etc. We were never separated - lived together the whole time - I wasn't meeting some of his needs and vice versa - and that is how he went about getting his needs met. Yuck. She "claimed" to be my friend and LOVE my daughter - and was always being the '3rd wheel' at our dinners, me never thinking that she would be interested in my H and feeling sorry for her because she was so young (19) my H and I were 33 and her never having a date, etc.<P>We are now almost 2 years forward. My H and I have lived on a constant emotional rollercoaster. Me, because, he will not be honest with me. He thinks that him "staying with me" should prove his loyalty - yeah right. The fact that your H honestly doesnt' want any contact with OW is great! He should not have ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER - until a DNA Test is done. If she is the wh(*# that you say, you may luck up good and it not even be his. You two need to decide what you will do IF it is his child. The OW's child looks too much like my H that there was no need for a test. However, he lied to me the whole time she was pregnant - because he felt guilty for her being pregnant and for her haivng to do all the stuff you have to do when you're pregnant. He lied to me about talking to her when in the hospital (says he didn't go) who knows? She asked him to go and he told her if he went then I would go with him. Of course she didn't like that. But OW are very manipulative people and they play on the side of pitty mucho mucho. I would tell you (from my experience) DO NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL UNLESS YOUR HUSBAND INSISTS AND THEN YOU GO WITH HIM! If you and he are not convinced that it is his child - don't go. you don't know if it is or not.<P>Also - My H and I (or so I thought) agreed (she had a boy) that he would not see his son until I was ready to do it with him and/or if he was ready and anxious to go - that he would tell me and I would go then. Well I found out this summer (accidentally) that he had been lying to me for months and had seen the OC on 4 or 5 occasions. It's like every time we made some sort of progress - we would get knocked back down 200'. It was awful. I can't explain the grief, the pain (hopefully yours won't be as severe as mine) my H is a conflict avoider and tries to please EVERYONE.<P>I hated the OC so very much - because it represented my H's weaknesses and his betrayal of me and everything we had. Oh it is disgusting when I think of it. The OC will be 1 year old this month. About 3 months ago - when my H and I were at rock bottom I agreed to dig deep and pray that God would take away the hate I had for this situation and for this child and to make my heart know that it wasn't this child's fault. So - I did and my H picked up the OC and we met for the 1st time. I thought I would be crying, upset, etc. But I was actually relieved - it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. It gets better each time. I've actually grown to love the little guy - ODaughter adores her. THe OW is still a pain and my H won't agree for me to do the contact thing and there still A LOT of issues that arise with me and my total lack of trust of him and her and just a whole lot of stuff. I don't want to keep rambling. You can e-mail personally at cblair@shumacker-thompson.com I would be happy to help you out in anyway I can. I'm so sorry you are here - but it is a very inspirational helpful place to be. <P>------------------<BR>

K,<P>I thought that I had forgiven her. In fact I called her about a month ago, after she had been calling many family members trying to get them on "her side", to believe her story, and that she doesn't care about H that all she wants is his child support, she's going to get a court order so that I and H can not have visitations with child, etc. I called her and was very polite. I told her that this wasn't about "choosing sides", that the children are going to suffer because of behavior like this. We ended up actually talking to each other. She told me names she had picked out, the due date. Told me how things were going in her life. She also apologized to me for betraying our friendship. I don't know if thats how she really felt, but hearing her say that took a load of hurt off my chest. I also told her how much her actions had hurt me, and that her actions affected many people. I think that might have hit home. I went on to tell her that I would never try to get in the way of the OC's and my H's relationship. It turns out that this was a main concern of hers. We ended the conversation on a very good note. Since then she has not contacted my H or anyone else. Now all the sudden she's showing up to a family event.<P>I guess talking to her to tell her that I don't hate her is one thing. But to see her carrying a child that perhaps is my H's is a whole differnt thing! I don't hate OW, but the whole situation is still so raw that it is beyond simply painful. I didn't expect to have face to face contact with her anytime soon. And now that I'm faced with it, I'm unsure of my feelings again.<P>As far as OC, I do love children, and I think that I will be able to be open...but I still worry that the OC will be a constant reminder of the affair.<P>Thanks for listening. Your situation is a source of hope for me. Take care of yourself.

Just bringing this to the top.

Daycare Disaster,<P>We sure do have a lot in common....isn't it sad?<P>Anyhow, I really do appreciate hearing from you. Before I found this board, all I could compare my situation with were Jerry Springer headliners! It's sad to see that there are other people in the same situation as myself, but comforting to hear feedback, ideas, and support. One of the hardest things is that I know my family thinks I'm insane (maybe not that extreme!) to stay with my husband. So I don't feel comfortable discussing any issues pertaining to this situation with them. It's also awkward for my husband to be around my family. They are nice to him, and do not say hateful things, but he must feel shameful looking at their faces knowing the current situation.<P>Anyhow, H and I talked last night about many of the posts here. I still have not purchased the book, but that is a priority of ours. We are in agreement that we do not want contact with OW. We want to focus all energy on our marriage and not instigate any negative feelings because of her. I'm hoping that by the time she has the child, our marriage will be much stronger so that if the OC is H's we will be better prepared to handle it.<P>The OW in our situation sounds much like the OW in yours! She too was the 3rd leg, and claimed to be a great friend, baby-sat on occasion, etc. The funny thing is, she never slept around (as far as I know) until right around the period that she slept with my H. It was weird, because she never was a partier, or wh@*# until right around that time. I don't know if it was some rebellion or what. She is young, 20 now 19 at the time and still lived with her parents, went to college, etc. In fact her parents were really strict (IMHO). She had a curfew of 11 on weeknights and 12 on weekends, usually depending on the activity. H and I always laughed about how naive she was and couldn't believe that at nearly 20 she wasn't really rebellious. I even was helping her look for an apartment for a while before this all happened. H and I aren't that much older though, I'm 21 he's 25. So the age gap isn't huge, but life experiences are. I of course had already gone through the rebellion stage and was at the settled down have a family now stage. So it was kinda nice having a friend my age who wasn't out partying and carrying on like most my age do. I should have known that she would go through the rebellious stage sooner or later and prepared for it, but even then, I would have NEVER expected this to come out of it!<P>Anyhow, I thank you for the advice of experience you've given me. It's nice to know that someone going through a very similar situation is able to stick it out and help others at the same time! I wish the best for your marriage. Thank you so much. Hope to talk soon.

Moving Forward,<BR>I've been lurking on your thread and finally posting my two cents. K (and this board) is a great resource. I came here at the beginning of 1999, dealing with the OW having had H's baby and DNA tests proving it. <P>My vote is for no contact with the OW until DNA tests, also. No Dr. visits or being at the birth! I don't know if you have given birth but I have, and in my opinion it is a very intimate act, rather like sex, and should treated in a sacred way by supportive, loving, caring people (it doesn't often work like that, but that's my ideal). I would not want to see the OW give birth nor would I want the father and his wife there if I were her!! Maybe visit the child together after birth, keeping in mind that it might not be his. The birth is a very emotional time for everyone involved, during and after. Getting the DNA results back are too. I think limiting her contact to just you is the recommended thing if you can arrange her cooperation on that.<P>I've been emailing privately with a number of women who've been through this and am happy to offer my support.<P>Congradulations on pulling your marriage together!!

Jenny,<P>Thank you for your support. I'm sorry to hear that you are in this awkward, ugly position also.<P>I agree that we should not have contact with OW. It's just too much for me, and my H, to bear right now. It's still hard knowing how to handle situations that will arise because of her being related to our BIL. We still have not come to a firm conclusion regarding those situations. Hopefully there will not be too many! <P>As far as going to the hospital. I know for certain that H does not want to be in the delivery room. I have given birth and agree, that is WAY too intimate! I have never wanted to be in the delivery room. We had talked about going to the hospital once OC is born. I was somewhat uncertain as to what my H wanted to do in regard to this. We talked in depth about alot of these issues this morning, and he made it clear that he does not want go to the hospital. I think that he wants to wait until the DNA tests are performed before he makes any moves towards building a relationship with the OC.<P>Again, thank you. I wish the best of luck with your situation.<P>

I keep checking your thread here, and the more info. you share, the more I'm concerned about OW's possible motives. The tag-along friend with a strict background. Hmm. Seems like she sure covets what is yours, doesn't she?<P>Jenny is right; birth is a very intimate time. I'm so glad you agree with her that under the circumstances, it's inappropriate for your H to attend. I also agree that although unfortunate if the baby is indeed your H's, waiting for the DNA test results before establishing a relationship (whether it's just paying child support, or being active in the baby's life) is probably best. <P>Wonder if there's any way OW would consider letting you raise the baby if testing is positive. To many women, that would be a highly insulting Q, but due to her age, situation, etc. it might be worth gently exploring when the time comes. But...I'm jumping the gun with thoughts! <P>ANYway...I wish you the best and will be thinking of you this upcoming weekend. The party might stress you out, but I imagine it will be worth it to establish for OW, AND the rest of the family, how you and H will be handling this curve ball. <P>I also wanted to mention that you are behaving very maturely for a 21 year old. What a situation to be in, and you sound as if you've got it under control as best you can! <applause> Your H is very lucky.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<P>

Hi Moving forward,<P>I've just read your post, and the replies, what a mess.<P>You are handling it admirably, I take my hat off to you.<P>I liked what Angelface replied with, it made sense.<P>Not being in exactly the same situation, I have no words of wisdom for you, or advice, but I can offer a friendly ear, and a shoulder.<BR>I'm so glad to read that you and your H are working through this TOGETHER. That says so much about the state of your marriage, your love for each other, and the love for your family. You sound like two wonderful caring people.<P>From your posts, you will handle the situation at the birthday party with dignity and class, and show this OW exactly what you are made of. You will also show her up to be exactly what she is - (no words need to be said here !!!)<P>You are belgian chocolate, and she is a boiled lolly !!!!!!<P>My thoughts are with you, and your H. And I send my very best wishes, and a great big hug.<P>Jo<P>

I am just checking the board again before I go to sleep. <P>I want to say a big THANK YOU to all have responded. I feel a renewed strength from reading all the posts. It's so nice to find a group of strangers that offer their hope and advice to someone in need. When I first started this thread, I was feeling pretty darned depressed about this whole situation. I didn't know where to turn for advice, and didn't think that there were many who could really empathize with my situation. Unfortunately, I've now found that there are many that are going through these situations. Fortunately, this is a place where we can gather and help with advice and support. I feel so much stronger and more capable of making it through this difficult recovery stage. Thanks so much.<P><BR>