I little about me, I'm 26, self-employed with some travel involved.

My wife, 25, works afternoon/evenings.

Living together foe three years. Dated in high school, though we seperated and dated others since. This time we dated for five years.

We were married in June of this year. In September she came to me and said that the marriage wasn't working and that she wanted to get an appartment on her own to get some space. I tried several options to keep her in the house with me so we could work on our marriage. After three weeks she finally admitted that she was not trying and wanted her space. I moved into my fathers house (both our parents are divorced). She went out of town on a trip so she could have some space to "figure things out". When she came back she called and begged my to come home because she wants to work on US. I already had a trip planned to see some out of town family for support, I asked her if I should stay or not, she said go becasuse she needs space. I missed her and came home early to surprise her with dinner, when I got home she was gone. I found some pictures in the house that she took when she was on her "alone" trip, only problem was her co-worker (whom I have always suspected liked her) was in the pictures. I saved the pictures, convinced her to go to counseling, but didn't say anything because I had to leave town for work for a few days. When I got back in town I found emails between her and co-worker talking about their love, marrying eachother, how many kids they want, etc. I moved back to my Dad's. For two weeks I sat on the info and went to counseling, I kept asking her if there was someone else, she kept saying no.

Finally one night I got upset and told her I knew about her affair. She said nothing only cried. The next time we saw our counselor she admitted that there is an affair. To this day she will not talk about what has happened, only to say that they have slept toghter but have not have had sex. I don't know if that matters for me or not.

Since I moved out we only see eachother on "date day" and at counseling. She has now decided to see her own counselor but does not want to continue our marital counseling. I have asked her to quit her job and put him out of her life, she will not. Meanwhile she moved into her Mom's house so I moved back home. Twice I have tried to implement plan B but don't have the strength to ignore the woman I love.

Now she thinks plan B is a good idea. Although I am now afraid to follow through with it as she see him every day at work and they still go out after work together. I have asked her not to see him but she will not stop, she has said that she is not intimate with him anymore. Can I believe her? I feel her Mom hates me because of some of her comments and actions.

I cant continue to fight three people for the love of my wife but I don't want to stop fighting as I fear I will lose her forever.

I ask her to spend one night a week at home inthe guest bedroom, her reply is that she is not ready yet. She has started going to church with her Mom, but will not go with me. I think she is still seeing her counselor although I have no proof. I think she is still sleeping with him as I know there are nights when she does not come home to her Mom's house.

Sorr it is so long winded, I am looking for a reason not to file for divorce. What should I do next? I want to save my marriage but I think she doesn't want to. Any help would be great.

Thanks
mark

Hi Mark and welcome to MB,

Sorry you are in this situation. To be married for such a short time and to deal with this must be very hard. Please realize that what is happening ot you and your W is not unusual. The pain however is very individualized.

Please read the concepts section above and if you can get your hands on the book surviving an affair and the book, his needs/her needs both by Dr Harley, it would be helpful.

There is also an emotional needs questionnaire that you can take to get a pulse for where you are at. Take it as if you are your W or see if she is willing to fill it out.

Then step back and see how you feel about what you read. Talk it over with your MC and here.

You will find that many here have gone through what you are going through.

take care,
L.

Mark,

Just my two cents worth. I am going through someting similar. If you love as much as you say you do then why go to plan B so soon. I have been coming here for about two months now and everyone has been great. You will get a tremendous amount of great advice here. The way I see it, if you go to plan B you really have no other alternatives. If you say you want a divorce but don't follow through with it your wife will see she has a husband at home that won't go through with his threats. Why not changing by doing a 180? Go to Plan A. Check out this site and see what that has to offer. If after a period of six or so months nothing changes then go back to Plan B, but you better be in a position to roll with the consequences. From what you have written you don't want a divorce. Your WW is in the Fog. She isn't saying or doing much that makes sense right now. Someone on this site said to me believe nothing and only half of what you see.

I don't know you're full situation so I don't have much to go on but try Plan A. What do you have to lose? It is going to be so tough on you to do this but as I say it is my reality right now. Everychance you can change for you and maybe she will eventually see that as well. Sorry I couldn't offer much more than that. I'm simply in the middle of a painful plan A but its all I have a the moment. Take a chance with it as well. Your marriage deserves it.

Thanks for the replies!

We saw eachother yesterday and I asked her if we could continue a version of plan A where we would see eachother once a week for a "date day" and talk on the phone once a day for five minutes.

She agreed to try it and see. Everything is so difficult right now, I know she is still lying to me. She has admitted she is still sleeping with him and that she can't let him go. Her parents know about the other guy have met him and like him!

She said if I love her enough I would give her six months to date him and she if she likes him. I think she gave up the dating part of life when she said "I do"! Plans A or B aside I can't stop her from doing this short of divorce which I don't want, what should I say to her about this? Her parents obviously support her affair because they know when she sleeps with him, what can I do about that? She says people change and she has grown to love this other guy instead of me, is that the fog or reality?

Orchid, I have read the book surviving an affair and have given it to my W. She however, has not read it and does not seem interested in it. I will purchase the other book today and read it soon! My W does not want to see our counselor until she gets herself figured out. I am seeking phone counseling on my own through MB.

Mark, I am sorry to hear about your plan A! I would to hear your situation and maybe learn more from you. I will try plan A angin, as I understand it better now. I hope I have the strength to follow through with it better this time.

Thanks for your help and I look forward to anyother replies!

sttsi,

I would recommend that you talk to her parents. If they really think the affair is OK, and they would rather have her with him than you, then I would leave the marriage right now.

For one thing these are not people you want as grandparents to your children. They clearly have no moral compass as clearly neither does your W right now.

Given the short length of your marriage, and your W's behavior I think you would do well to go to plan B. Why? I doubt she will ever respect you if you accept her proposal for her to go live with this other man. You are not in the marriage rebuilding business, since your marriage apparently never really got off of the ground.

I am very very pro marriage and saving marriages, but at your age, and given her parents apparent response, I think you have just been given a huge gift. You have been set free to move on to a serious woman. Not someone of your W's calibre.

I know this sounds harsh. I also know that people here will do there best to help you as will I. But, I do think it is time to really talk to her parents. I do think it is time for you to realize that perhaps you have been a strong and good message and that this young girl is NOT the girl for you.

I have been married for longer than you have been alive. And what I am trying to tell you is that is a long time to be married to someone who doesn't value marriage.

Talk with her parents, see what they really think. Then start to pull away from her. While plan A could be useful to you, in finding out where you were not meeting her needs, it is doubtful that it will be very useful since you two should still be in the honeymoon phase.

Keep thinking, do some talking, and realize that you may have just been given a huge gift. I know it doesn't feel like it, but time and patience change many things and how you see this relationship will be one of them.

God Bless,

JL

PS: She doesn't need to date him for six months to see if she "likes him." That much is pretty clear. The only issue is rather she can get him to marry her. THat is what she is going to try and figure out.

<small>[ December 09, 2002, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Just Learning-

Thank you for your reply. The words are harsh but necessary.

I don't know if her parents condone what she is doing or not. I know they have lied to me about weather or not she slept at home or with him. I was shocked to see how low their values are. They have said an A is wrong, but they don't seem to be doing anything to get her to stop! Maybe that is not the roll of parents in this situation, I don't know.

Would she be able to marry him? I know they have already talked about it. We hadn't been married for much over 2 months when they were talking about marriage and kids. I s that her values or the fog?

I have ten years of my life invested in her, it is hard to let it go, but maybe you are right that I should.

Thanks for your advice.

Hi Mark

I'm new to this forum thing. I just logged on this morning because my intention was to find out some information on how to save my marriage, but I ran into this site. I think I am going through what your going through. I can't offer any advice cuzz I'm just as confused as you but I just wanted to tell you hang in there.

STTSI,

I know I sound harsh about this, but two months after marriage she is in an affair. This sounds to me like other issues are taking place and she has a lot of growing up to do.

As for the 10 years you have "invested" in this relationship, well it seems you have invested in a dotcom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, you didn't invest 10 years in her. You spent 10 years learning things such as how to deal with women, how some women make you feel, etc. In short you have spent 10 years growing and maturing. It doesn't seem that she has.

Those 10 years will NOT be wasted STTSI. They have been a huge learning experience. Unfortunately, you have been forced to learn somethings you should never should have had to learn.

I guess my point here is that this hasn't be a waste as long as you learn from it and take positive lesssons from the current events. This is all about you and how you handle it.

I like to give people a second chance as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean you stop living, nor endure what you are enduring to do it. The choice to hang in there is yours, and if you had children or the marriage was longer than 2 months I would be strongly encouraging you to do just that. But, even Harley states that he would divorce his W if she had an affair. His children are grown and counsel people. But, would he try and make the marriage better? Yes. Does he think marriage end prematurely after an affair and could be saved? Yes in many cases.

Is your case different? I don't know. It is a very short marriage. There is little history. Your W clearly has little to no concept about marriage at this point, suggesting she has some maturing to do. Is it worth your time to hang around and be the fall back? Only you can decide. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. I personally would want to spend it with someone who wanted to be with me. It seems your W has never really wanted that.

Your call. Do hang around the post, ask questions (GQII is a good active place), and learn alot. As I said before, if you decide to go for this, I will do my best as will others here. It is truely your call, and you are in control of the situation more than you realize.

Must go. God Bless,

JL

Let her "road test" this guy to see if she likes the bumps and grinds? I have to agree with JL, the fog is really thick and there is a lot more going on for her to act this way in so short a time of being married.

God's command is clear, ONE husband and ONE wife, forsaking all others no matter what one's misguided feelings may be.

I don't know the dynamics, but I agree that you need to know her parents position and if it's ANYTHING other than she is dead wrong and needs to be with only you, then write them off as unfit to be a part of your marriage relationship and certainly not fit to be grandparents.

Then, explain to your wife that marriage is a COVENANT, not just a commitment that can be reniged on at any time over any whim. God places marriage into a very special place as part of the covenant that He makes with the two of you.

Then, tell her she has to make a choice, not in six months, but right now. It's either him or you, but not both. If the answer is anything other than YOU, then tell her to pack up and leave now. Tell her you love her and are fully committed to her and your marriage and will be there for her if she changes her mind quickly. But you will not wait forever. You will still love her, but you will move on with your life without her.

Next, get ahold of an attorney for two things. First, find out about filing an Alienation of Affection lawsuit against the OM and what the laws are in your State. Some States have some pretty good teeth in those laws. Second, find out the requirements for Divorce in your State. Protect yourself. Set up you own bank account, etc.

Lastly, if the decision turns out to be she wants to work on the marriage, then a few things have to change. No Contact with the OM for the rest of her life is the basic requirement. Then you both need to look at a job change. You need to jettison the travel, even if it means less money. Travel, especially so soon after getting married, is highly detrimental to the marriage. You need time together, not apart. You need to learn about each other and fill each other's emotional needs. This just touches the surface, but it all depends on when and if she decides to work on the marriage.

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Depressed- Good luck to you as these are very confusing times for all involved.

JL- I probably need the harsh words as the fog is think aroung me right now! I have come to the conclusion that living alone is not as bad as it seems, and I have learned alot about relationships, marriage and what they mean to me. I know she is going through some really heavy stuff right now, according to what her mom told me, that does not include the A.

ForeverHers- Before we met my W and I were both active in church. We had talked about going to church again but never did anything about it. I have told her many, many times lately that we should go to church together for help working through this. She has started going with her Mom but says she "is not ready" to go to church with me. I don't understand why she would be "not ready" unless she is still in love and is still active with him. Thoughts? I will talk to an attorney, just in case.

I told her I would get a different job if she wanted to work on US. She still thinks it is too much to ask of someone to change jobs and friends for a spouse. I am going to start talking to Dr. Chalmers and see what she thinks, but I am thinking of waiting until the end of Jan. before I do anything. That way it gives us more time to work on ourselves (so I can be a better person for her or soemone else) and give her some time without seeing him eberyday at work.

I don't know how to approach her parents about the situation without it sounding like I am telling them how to raise their kids. Thoughts?

I look forward to any advice. This has been a very helpful forum for me to vent and understand things.

Thanks to all.

STTSI,

I think with regard to her parents, you call and tell them you would like to talk to them about this situation. When you get together, ask them what their feelings are about things? You are in a huge quandry about staying or leaving, what do they think? Does she really love OM and what do you think of him?

Finally, I would ask them if they have any advice for dealing with the pain this is causing you. That could provoke an intersting response from them.

You will learn a lot by what they say, and by what the don't say. Especially you from their body language.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

JL- I have talked to her Mom already because she told her daughter (my W) that it was better for my W not to tell me of the A. I got upset and sent an email to her Mom telling her that I thought it deplorable for her to condone such actions and then to lie about it! Her mom is upset with me because I am telling her how to raise her kids, I don't care I still stand by my feelings. Her mom is re-married (my W has not seen her real father since our wedding)and my W's step-dad is lying to me, that surprised me because I thought he had a better value system than that. Her mom thinks that I should not talk to my W until this blows over. That is hard for me to do since my W brings the OM to her parents house but not me.

I have been thinking about telling the rest of her family and maybe her boss about what is hapening. Would that gain me anything? I want to tell her family because it might put some pressure to let him go, I want to tell her boss more out of revenge (my W is losing her job the end of the year, the OM is getting a promotion). My W told the OM that I know about them, should I contact him and tell him I love my W and ask him to back off and leave her alone? I fear such actions would only push her away.

Thanks to all for your help/advice!

Simply,

You marry a woman not her parents. You don't give a toss for what they do or think.
You marry a woman exclusively. If she doesn't understand that DUMP her.
If she has been misled by some rat of a coworker
Kill him.

Simple, not legal but then the law is an [censored].

Still Trying To Save It - I'm not entirely sure where to begin.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her mom is upset with me because I am telling her how to raise her kids, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, time to drop MIL and step-FIL out of the equation. Her Mom did raise her. She raised her so well that she thinks it's okay to commit adultery. You rebuked MIL, she won't repent, time to follow the biblical standards for dealing with sin and unrepentance.

Here is the biblical basis for marriage. It is a covenant between you, your wife and God. Parents are no longer part of the equation. They supposedly did their God-given duty in raising their children so that they could establish another separate entity, i.e., the two shall be one flesh.

When you say your wife is going to church I don't think that means much of anything. Are you both Christians? If she is a Christian and is involved in adultery, is non-repentant, and is going to church to "feel better", she is in for a rude awakening. She is lying to God and God will deal with her. If she is not a Christian, then what's the point of church? Is it just to try to convince someone that she's a "good person"?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to tell her boss more out of revenge (my W is losing her job the end of the year, the OM is getting a promotion). My W told the OM that I know about them, should I contact him and tell him I love my W and ask him to back off and leave her alone? I fear such actions would only push her away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is the OM married or single? If married, then his wife needs to know about the affair. I would not involve other members of your wife's family just yet. In the long run, should you two work it out and recover your marriage the fewer who know about the affair the better. But, should things turn incalcitrant on her part, then it's going to come out anyway.

If church is more than just a place to go, then you may want to consider getting your pastor involved as she is violating many commands of God through her willful sinning.

How old is this guy, anyway? He obviously has no qualms about adultery. There are consequences to all sin and adultery is no exception. One of the consequences he may have to face is termination of employment. I don't know the work situation or the boss' stance on marriage, but I'd think seriously about asking the boss to help save your marriage from someone of obvious low moral character. If the boss is not sympathetic, consider including him in the Alienation of Affection suit as someone who is supporing the adulterous relationship between co-workers. BTW, is the OM in a position of authority over your wife at work?

Normally I'd tell you to be patient, plan A like crazy, etc. But your situation right now is your wife is already out the door, particularly if she is taking the jerk to her parents home. It's time to implement Plan B and notify whoever you think needs to know.

Protect yourself. If your telling her to leave if she won't give up the OM doesn't make her face reality, then you will know that she was a wolf in sheeps clothing and lied throughout her marriage vows to you. She is acting as a self-indulgent selfish little child and will need a dose of adulthood to perhaps wake her up. If she appears repentant, which doesn't sound likely from what you have posted, then you can implement Plan A based on No Contact immediately with the OM. If she's not repentant, then God has given you the right to divorce her, as painful as that option may be, to protect yourself. Either way, stay in contact here and learn all you can about the causes for affairs and how to have a future marriage that honors God.

I was just wondering how do you get through the day without calling her. I find my self calling and calling just annoying my H.

Olderandwiser- Unfortunately I do care about what fer mom thinks as she keeps judging me and making mean comments about me.

I told a friend the other day that based on the comments my W tells me she is getting, it makes it sound like I am the one having the A! I admit my part in helping to ruin the marriage (short lived as it is), but I am not the one sleeping with other people, my bed is empty every night! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest, thanks.

ForeverHers- I would consider us both Christians, although we have not been to church in years, we still believe. I am not sure if she is trying to repent or not, she said she is not sorry for the affair because she has learned alot about herself. I have learned alot about her and about me and I am thankful for that but I would have rather learned a different way. I would love to involve a pastor but I don't know what church she is attending because she won't tell me.

I think he is 23 or 24, he was engage once but his fiance left him before the wedding. I would pay a million bucks to know why she left! I told my W that that should be a warning sign, she won't listen to as the fog is too thick.

He is not her boss but he does have seniority over her. Her boss is expecting her first child right now so I could probably get some backing from her. Since my W will lose her job in a few weeks anyway do you think I have much to gain by it? It would probably get him fired (that would help me sleep better at night) and would get her fired also. Wouldn't that set back any progress I have made towards reconciliation with her? I would love to see him canned but not at the expense of my M. Maybe it is my own fog?

What does "incalcitrant" mean as I can't find it in any dictionary?

I know I have been upset and using MANY LB's against her since D-day. Because of that I was thinking of continuing plan A until the end of Jan since she will be jobless then. I am hoping that by not seeing the OM everyday she will realise the mistakes that have been made and will want to come home. Am I being stupid????Since the A started just over a month into our M I don't know if she is mature enough for marriage and if I want her back.

Depressed- I have tried plan B twice before. Once before reading SAA and once after it. The first time I tried I felt like a new man, I was happy to have made a decision btu I couldn't stick to it. Two days later I was calling her all the time just to hear her voice. The second time I lasted a whole four days before I called her. What hurts me is that I am the one who reaches out not her. So I am back at plan A for now. Everyone tells me I should do plan B again now, if I do I am better prepared for it. I got a cat which has been very helpful for my, the cat is always happy to see me and never has a bad day. I also have a good support system of friends and MB has been a HUGE help to me!

All I can say is it is not easy but I am sure it is necessary. I would suggest you get some friends/family you can call when you feel like calling your H. Instead of calling him try going for a walk or reading a book anything to get your mind off of him. Before I was afraid of being alone, now I know there are worse things than that, like living with a cheater and liar! Knowing that living alone isn't so bad has made the thought of divorce easier. Do you have kids or any pets?

Would love more advice as I am still unsure of what to do. I think my head knows what to do but my heart will not listen!

Thanks!

I read and replied to your other post before seeing this one. Looks like JL had already taken the words right out of my mouth. In fact, I had planned on sending him an e-mail to back me up on my advice to you in the other post, suspecting he'd agree.

Get out and be humbly thankful for what you have been given.

God, it is so confusing right now!

I spoke with Jennifer tonight and she agreed that I should keep plan Aing for now.

I just saty my WW tonight, I stopped by her work to bring her flowers and the OM was there "working late" and she is back wearing the ring he gave her as a "gift from a friend" (it is about a $200 ring). Maybe I should plan b? Maybe I should listen to everyone else and geta divorce and move on?

So confused!

I agree with Forever Hers. Your W needs to make a decision now. If she decides she wants to be with OM, then I say let her. If she wants a divorce and you dont, let her file for it and do not sign them until you are ready. You need to spend time making yourself happy, doing things for yourself, making new friends, learning from this. It will be very hard and painful, but saves a lot of pain also.
As for her parents, leave them out. She is a grown woman who made an adult decision to get married. The job of "raising their child" has already been done. What they think should not be important to you, and is more than likely not too important to her. She has a mind of her own and will continue to do what SHE wants to.
So how was your relationship before marriage? how often do you travel? did she always seem happy? did you have signs of the A? any problems? I have lots of questions, huh?
I went through total misery with my WH, and when I finally let go, cut off contact, etc... things seemed a little easier somehow. I spent more time making myself happy, and less time upset because I couldnt make him happy. Didnt take long for him to come around, thank goodness.
Still in recovery myself. This site was a miracle for me. If you dont have HNHN yet, it is a must!!! Worth every penny if you ask me!! Good Luck!!!

Hello everyone! Thanks again for all your help and support.

Wow! It has been a busy couple of weeks for me. My WW keeps comming to the house during the day and removing items that belong to her. The problem is she keeps taking things that belong to me also. Last Monday she called me to make sure I wasn't home then stopped over and took more of my stuuf out of the house. I got home that night and finally had it so I changed the locks on the house.

She came over Tuesday to take more stuff and found the locks changed. She than talked to her Mom and they got in touch with their laywer. I was still working when the MIL called to threaten legal action on me if I diddn't open the house to let my WW and her family in to remove her stuff. After that she hung up on me! I was shocked at the imature way a grown adult was handling things. When I got home I called the MIL and asked to speak to my WW and was told she wanted a DV and didn't want to talk to me. After many more threats from the MIL I finally was ablt to diffuse the situation by leaving my WW a voicemail and explained the situation.

I finally spoke to my WW later that night and she said she wanted a DV. I suggested she might want to wait until the end of the holidays before starting the papers, but she said no. So I sent her a plan B letter and said if she wanted a DV she would have to file for it that I was not going to do it.

I met with my WW at a pubilc place over the weekend to start to divide out the property and she had to keep calling her mom to make sure the things we agreed to were OK. My WW and the MIL keep making stupid and unreasonable demands of me and I have had it. I told my WW that if her parents tried to contact me again I would get a restraining order against them. My WW will not talk to me directly, only through her parents. I told her I am DV'ing her, not her parents.

I think I am ready to let go and move on. When I saw her I felt no love for her, I only felt a small amount of pity for how she is ruining her life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am going to take my lessons learned and become a kick@ss husband for another more deserving woman.

I expect to be served later this week, that is her Christmas present to me!

I guess I will be moving over to the divorcing forum now and see what is there. I will check back often and see how everyone else is doing. Good luck to all of you, this has been a most tramautic experience for me and I can only imagine the pain you all are going through.

Thanks again,
STTSI

(I think I should now change my login to "soon to be single") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />