First, I am so thankful I found this site and forum as I just found out my wife had an affair.

I am devastated and don't know what to do.....where to turn for help; but hopefully I can get some advice about this very personal, embarrassing situation.

I don't have a problem getting an erection; but since learning of my wife's affair, I lose it as soon as we become intimate. When we are in bed, I "see" her being with him and I completely lose my erection. I've tried Viagra but it doesn't do any good.

Has anyone gone through the same situation, have any advice, found a solution? I learned about the affair one week ago (affair has long since been over) and we are trying to save the marriage.

I'm humiliated and don't know what to do......HELP!

first and most important, don't you dare feel ashamed about this!!!!!! the mind is a very tricky thing. this is not a failure on your part, but your body's reaction to the pain in your heart. that doesn't make it your fault anymore than when a woman has trouble having orgasm after discovering her husband's affair! i think your body may be trying to tell you that you aren't yet ready to deal with the physical aspect of marriage until you've truly dealt with the emotional. just because it's long over for her, it's still brand new to you! you may be jumping into bed to soon, before you're ready. listen to your body, and give it time for the pictures to fade. if she can't understand the damage she's done and walks away, then she isn't much of a person. if on the other hand she truly loves you, she'll understand that you need time to heal before you can just go to business as usual!

It's rather unfair of nature...but it's a fact, a man's performance is directly related to two things...body and mind. While a woman can have sexual relations rather her mind is working along with her desires or not.

This is all brand new, sounds like you're trying to rush things just a bit. Take a step back and don't push the sex. You've got a lot of processing of information and emotions and right now, they are conflicted within you. Perfectly normal!!!

This will likely work itself out if you just don't put yourself under so much pressure. It will take much longer to work out, if you and your W expect "perfection" in the bedroom while the emotions are jumping from one to the other at the moment.

Talk to your W about this. Be honest. She's likely to feel as if it's because your desire for her has ceased because of what happened. This may only lower her self-esteem more so then it already was to have begun the affair.

There is also the item of your own self-esteem which has taken a very hard hit. What happened was NOT your fault, you had no choice in the matter...you're feeling rather out of control of your own life. Normal again.

Take time! You and your W will not get over this and go back to anything close to normal for a while. You've both got a lot of healing to do and she's got a lot of reparations for her poor choices.

Well, our problem is just the opposite as he is the WS and had problems with impotence with me! Tried many things and some worked. But he took testosterone shots for 6 weeks before going to see her first time. Said they had problems also because she has not had (her words) sex with her h for years. So he was able to perform if she could have. Now he takes the shots for me, I give them and it is improving, But not to the point he can penetrate. But he could have with her! Know how that makes me feel? Could with her as he desired her so much? Yet my body is way better shape than hers. Figure and all. She has become obese while I've taken care and have no problems in the sexual dept at all. Yet I get rejection.
Pegasus, doctors and studies say the man's mind has a lot to do with it. And your problem is not abnormal. It effects spouses both ways. I have a problem where I never did before with the intimacy. I can't feel as close and her image is always there with me wordering if he's having to imagine her to make love to me. Your problem will clear up in time, but I'd seek counseling. I don't think it's physical at all with you, but mental. Understandably so. God bless, LouLou

i tink this is very unerstandable. for some reason, my husband told me that he masturbated to visions of an old girlfriend. a girl that he rally cared about but never consumated the relatonship with. he says he goes back and tries to make things right w/ her. not only does this make me feel like i am 2nd to him but the image can creep into my head when we are intimate and just make me loose it. we can be going great when all of sudden i will think of her...and how much she still haunts him and of him doing his buisness
to some fantasy of her an i just can't go on anymore. i wish i knew what to tell you.....all i can say is sometimes igo / it. and i kind of get mad at him and fee selfish....and i get int the ex for me not him and then atleast climax but the intacy hing is still an issue. i ha only been a wef you.....he told e abou this years ago.....i was over t to sme degree and then caught him w/ porn. and h whole thng reurfaced and he told me he stlldos that to thoughts of her etc. etc..sometimes h seems to recognize it as a problem...and then he doesn't. it is hard on me....perhaps your wife could be more reassuring w/ you.

P959: This is really common in recovery. Men sometimes forget the importance of the emotional side of sex. The problem is not physical, and will go away as your relationship improves. Work on your relationship w/ your W. Work through "Surviving an Affair" or "Torn Asunder" or "The State of Affairs" with your W, and contact a good MC. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. There are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You need to find one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

While it is true that the emotional state of a man is very important in keeping an erection sufficiently strong for intercourse, DO NOT minimize the importance of your physical condition as a factor in your erectile dysfunction. A great majority of men in this country are in bad shape physically and are suffering from diabetes, obesity and hardening of the arteries, two conditions that have been shown to contribute to ED. Also anti depressants and high blood pressure medication have been shown to contribute ED.

If you haven't had a physical in more than two years, please have one. It's better to know than not to know if you have something wrong with you physically because you can then take the proper steps to remedy the problem.

Words cannot express my appreciation for the support and advice I've received in this thread. I'm having a really hard time making it through the day but some how do.......

Reflecting on that time in our marriage, I can understand why my wife sought someone else. I wasn't "there" emotionally for her.....the guy told just the right lies....and got what he wanted.

She says she is committed to rebuilding our marriage and knows it will never be like it was. The best we can hope for is things to be as good as they can be....someday.

Thanks again everyone

It's still early for you. As far as "getting back to the way it was", don't even try. She had an A "the way it was". It might have been better in the early years, but the seeds of the marriage you had when the A was starting were sown in those early years. I can trell you that 6 months after D-day, my marriage was already far better than it had EVER been. For people who had a better marriage in their early years, perhaps it takes longer to get to that point, but it is a pretty common experience - IF both of you do the work required to get there. With that in mind:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.