I have been debating about whether or not to post my story but here it is.

I met my wife in 1998 we were both in University. A month after we started dating I had to move to another city (7 hours away) for an 8-month work term. By that time we were so attached to each other that we decided to keep dating. Well for those eight months I spent every night on the phone in fact in one month I had over 4500 minutes of long distance. Our relationship grew stronger and when I returned to university it was obvious we were in Love. Fast forward a year and a half May 2000 and I am done my degree. I accept a job in the North and ask her to marry me. She agrees however she still has two semesters of school left so we set our date for December 30, 2000.

Our wedding day is amazing and we head up north to start our new life together. Things go great for about 20 months. Then she goes to a conference in another City and meets a guy there. She tells me about him and I foolishly think that it is a great thing. He is a First Nations Chief 39 and has a Common Law wife of 19 years and two kids 18 & 14 (pretty safe). She tells me that they are talking and that he is helping her with her work (she works for a different first nation). I think this is great because someone with some power is taking an interest in her work and that can only help her career.

Anyway her reaction to me starts to change. She no longer changes in front of me and she has no interest in sex at all. I talk to her about it and she tells me that she has been talking to this guy more on the phone at work (he live 5 hours drive away) and that she is starting to feel attracted to him. I am devastated and I ask her to stop talking to him and to give us a chance. She agrees to go to counseling on Nov 16. Nov 14 I have to go out of town for work and I know he is in town. I ask her not to see him and she agrees. However when I am gone she goes out with him and he gives her a ring (with a gold nugget & a diamond).

I get back the next day and she is acting really weird. I ask her what is going on and she tells me about the ring. I am devastated floored etc... I ask her why should would take it and how could she do this to me etc... (I now know this was LB) anyway the next day is our counseling session and she sabotages it by telling the counselor that she does believe she was made for marriage and that her wanting to leave has nothing to do with this guy etc.. She convinces this counselor with her fog speak that after 40 minutes he actually advises us to get our assets in order.

Well that is the confirmation she needed. That night he tells his wife he is leaving her. That Sunday she tells her parents that we are separating.

Monday night I have to go out (I run a drop in floor hockey night) and she says she is going to see him. I cannot stop her so she goes. At 11:30 that night she calls the house to say she is not coming home. Then after some discussion she decides to come home to get clothes for work the next day. She gets in at Midnight. I watch her pack some stuff. As she is in the doorway ready to leave I ask her for a hug. She agrees and as I hug her I tell her that I love her and that if she wants to come home that she can just call and I will come get her. She says "I know" and walks out the door gets into his truck and drives away. I don’t see her again for over two weeks.

To Be Continued .....

Sorry you've had to find yourself this type of site, but you've found a great one!

Waiting for the next installment....you'll also get more replies during the week, weekends are pretty slow...so don't give up. If a thread of your's finds it way going towards the bottom without enough replies...just bump it up.

btw...you might want to think about finding a new counselor, one for yourself...and one who understands the goal is to try and repair the marriage before deciding after one short session that it isn't worth the effort. jmho

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

First thanks for the comments. I will address them later

To continue my story

She left that night and staid at his hotel (remember he lives 5 hours away) for the week. I did not physically see her however she called me at least 3 or 4 times a day (including every night from his hotel at about 10:00) just to talk and she would MSN messenger me at work all the time.

I decided to go back home to my parents for a week to gather my strength and thoughts. I had been debating this thinking that my presence in town would act as a deterrent to her leaving but it did not so I decided to go. I left November 23rd and spent a good week and a bit with my family and friends. The day I left she called and we had a rough conversation, She asked me how I was getting to the airport and when I told her that a coworker was giving me a ride she asked if he knew what was going on I said yes and she blew up saying that she would have to leave town and that everyone was going to think she was a f’ing slut.

While I was at home she spent the week with him in down south at another city while he attended some meetings. I did not speak to her at all that week. She returned home December 1st and went back to the house. I MSN messenger with her the next day and returned on December 3rd. That night I stayed at a friends place and made arrangements for another place to stay (I am let her have the rental house and our car). I suggested that I would stay at the house with her in the spare room. She said that she did not want this and that it would be too uncomfortable. So I am house sitting for a friend for now.

I actually saw her on December 5th by accident at lunch. She was so cold toward me. It was like dealing with a robot. We went together that night to see a friend who had a baby and to play volleyball (we play on the same team) but it was strained, as she was so cold except when she talked about him. (Which she did almost non-stop)

I had a couple rough spots this weekend December 6th he came back into town for the weekend and so she dropped off our car at my work. That way I could use it for the weekend. Unfortunately I was looking out the window at the moment she did this and II saw her get out of our car and get into his truck. She looked so happy!!! This threw me for a loop and I was unable to do any more work that day. Also She asked me to look after the cat for the weekend and I agreed (I have tried to be as accommodating as I can in this situation) but as I pulled up to the house Saturday morning they were pulling up too so I parked behind them in our driveway and got out of my car. She rushed out of the truck and stood between me and the driver’s side. I told her very calmly that I wanted to talk to him but she would not let me and would not get out of the way. I asked a couple times and even told her what I wanted to say (that I love her I still consider us married and that I was going to fight for her) but she wasn’t going to back down so I left.

That night she called where I am house sitting to ask about our insurance (she has decided to rent a car for this week) and I apologized for how I acted and told her that I still wanted to talk to him. Again she refused saying that I didn’t care about how that would make her feel. She also told me she was still mad at me for talking to her parents the week before. (I didn’t give them any information about what was happening, they already kind of knew, I just told them what I wanted to tell him (OM)). She basically said that everyone I talk to screws it up for her.

Anyway it is now December 9th and I am back at work. I leave this Sunday for a three-week vacation to England and Scotland (that we had booked before) to visit relatives and especially my grandparents whose health is not so good. It should be good but I wish I didn’t have to go alone

More Comments Later

Sounds like you are not sure whether you are in Plan A or B. You should probably be doing one or the other. If it is Plan B, you should tell his wife, if she does not already know.

In response to your comments I have been reading the site non-stop since the middle of November. I have ordered and read SAA and HNHN (although I have not read that one yet)

I realize that the people on this site are amateurs and I am seeing a pastor for counseling. At this point SH counseling is not financially feasible

I do have a strong faith (which I did not realize was so strong until after this happened) Getting my relationship with God right is my number one priority. In these last weeks I have been hearing God tell ask me “Are you going to pursue her or pursue me?” It is obviously that pursuing her is not the answer. I am working on me and becoming the godly husband that I should have been from the start. I believe that God can work miracle and that my marriage can be restored.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

I am trying to be in Plan A but it is hard as she is trying to put more distance between us. His wife does know. In fact his telling her is what threw this affair into overdrive.

In fact he was the one who initiated everything (the kiss, the ring etc...) heck he even rented the car she is using this week. And he has offered to help pay for her new place. He is taking away all of the EN I can fill.

More later

BTW both my Wife and I are white and not First Nations.

<small>[ December 09, 2002, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>