Hello, I have never before posted to this site, but after reading a lot of the other posts I thought maybe if i shared my story someone could give me advice or help with what i am going through. So here goes.......I have been married to my H for 3 years we dated 4 years prior and lived together 2. No children yet(he has twins from a previous relationship) Anyway, we have always had a good relationship, we are best friends. We have had our problems but for the most part we were able to work through them. Around July of this year I discovered that my husband was emailing a co-worker of mine-who had come to our house many times to play cards, hang out etc,i considered her my friend, until my discovery. The emails were mostly sex talk, sex between the 2 of them, when i confronted my husband about this he said it was a game that he didn't mean anything of what he said in the emails, and that sex had not happened between them. I never got a chance to confront her about this though because she was fired shortly after I found out. My husband apologized a million times for hurting me and betraying me and promised me that he would never do that again.(said he never went to her house or talked to her on the phone) I forgave and we went on with life as normal. In Novemeber he called me from work and said that he needed to work late and would call me when he was done (around 7 he said so we could meet for dinner)
I thought I would surprise him by being there when he got off work so I went up there about 15 min. early. When I arrived I saw that his car was not there and for some strange reason I thought of the emails and the co-worker(who does not live far from where he works- 5 minutes maybe) So I drove by her house and sure enough his car was there. I knocked on the door and my husband answered it, I almost passed out. I had no idea what to say what to do, so I walked away, before I made back to my car he asked me if he should come home. I told yes that I really think we need to talk. (he came right home) once home he cried and said sorry for hurting me and all that stuff. He promised me that they were not having an affair that they are just friends and she needs help- This girl is kind of messed up she is 36 years old and can't balance a check book and has 2 14 year old daughters that don't speak in public and are way behind in school. He says that he helps tudor ( my husband is very smart) her daughters and helps her balance her check book, budget her money etc. i told him that she and her girls are not his problem and I will not stand for this(especially after their emails to each other) I told him that I did not by the friends thing but he swaore to that and how much he loves me.........so again I believed him. Well he had to go away for training-he got home the day before Thanksgiving around 930pm, he called me everyday while he was away- morning and night to say he loves me and he misses me. Last week I got nosey after we had a fight and I went through his wallet and found the toll receipts from his trip- the receipt time stated that he pd the toll at 613pm Wednesday night-but he didn't get home until 930-so again I confronted him and he said the recepit time was wrong(yeah right) We didn't talk for the rest of the night (he was mad that i went trhough his wallet)-in the morning he said that he went to her house Wednesday night becuse she needed help cooking Thanksgiving dinner and blh blab blah blah.........The next day I drove by HER house on my lunch and I found his car there-he was on his lunch. I went up to her door and pounded on it- they wouldn't answer. After about 5 minutes of this my husband comes out and starts yelling at me saying I'm crazy and that I follow him and why don't I just leave it alone......he is only friends with her etc. i asked him what he was doing there and he said that he was dropping off math problems in her mailbox for the kids and she wasn't supposed to be home. After saying this he says its over and he's not coming home. i had to go back to work after this ordeal-which was awful and while I went back to work he want home and packed a suit case and left. He didn't come home that night. But he came home the next night saying how sorry he was and really wants to make things work and won't lie to me anymore, we talked pretty much all night and he said that she was just his friend-he felt bad for her and didn't know how to tell her that he had to stop helping her. My problem is that when he left I think he stayed at her house, which he denies (says he stayed at his buddies house) and I don't know if I believe that he didn't have an affair with her. I find it really hard to believe. For the most part my husband treats me well, he is usually very affectionate and tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and couldn't imagine losing me and that he is never going to leave again. But I am having a hard time with this HER thing and when I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and says I made a decision to stay with him so that should be it. When I ask if the friendship is going to end he says that he hasn't thought about it.......but knows he has to if he wants to keep me. I am just not sure what to believe or what to do......... would I be crazy for believing him???sorry I just wrote a book but it feels good to get it out.

Sosadsomad...Well...sounds like a full blown affair to me. Sorry. WS (wayward spouses) don't confess very often, they'll try anything to avoid being honest. He's lied to you continually about his actions throughout, so I don't believe that he's being honest now.

It's up to you as to what you will allow in your marriage. You need to set some boundaries and then stick with them...so be sure you can live with the results if he oversteps them.

He doesn't sound in the least bit remorseful for his choices and just wants you to leave everything alone so that he can "eat cake". His attacking you for snooping was a distracting effort to avoid being accountable for his actions.

Read what is offered on this site. It's got a lot of really good information on how to deal with not only betrayals, but any problems in the relationship. Take from it what you feel will be of benefit to you and your situation.

So sorry to have to welcome you to MB, but welcome you are.

Every word you wrote has been written by most of us here. The story is the same only the names are changed to protect the very uninnocent!!!

Some words of advice:
Read this entire website - not the message boards but the actual articles. You will gain invaluable insight and find out you are definitely not alone. Which can be a source of great comfort.

People who are hiding things don't like snooping. You were snooping - he didn't like it - he's hiding something.

He is in a deep fog. Do you know what fog is? He isn't thinking clearly, says strange things, acts like his brain was abducted by aliens.

The only person you can do anything about is yourself. You can't change him or force him to do anything. Work on yourself. Be good to yourself. Your'e going to need it to get through this.

On MB there is such a thing as a No Contact letter. It's what he writes to OW when he is ready. My WH tried to tell me they were just friends, too and didn't want to write the letter - that would be being a bad friend. I said it was not up for discussion - you write it or you leave. He wrote it. I didn't read it - but I would suggest you do that when the time comes. There are articles about this on the website, too.

My final piece of advice is to buy and read "Surviving an Affair" that is availabe for purchase on this website.

Good luck, welcome.
DB

somad, sorry you had to come here but it's the best place for you to be right now as you have some things to figure out, such as saving your marriage and "going with what your gut is telling you". I don't think you need to be told you are not crazy, When you KNOW in your heart and head you are NOT. Helping her cook Thanksgiving dinner, hmmm doesn't a wife and husband do that together. Now he can make all the excuses he wants to about "helping" her all he wants, but please don't let him suck you into that belief system. If he has time to go there on his lunch hour, he has time to meet his W for lunch!. Your H is obviously in one state of denial, and he seems to be staying there, and justifying his actions and throwing it on you as what the situation is when in fact it sounds just too much like what all of us BS's are experiencing. This was a friend of yours, but you have not said what she has stated to you about this situation. I'm not trying to sound negative here, I am far from that, I can feel your pain, confusion.
He's trying to say you are crazy, well why would he be so angry? Why would he stoop to calling you crazy? Why wouldn't he take you with him over there to balance her checkbook if that's all he's doing, or better yet have her come over to your home? These are questions that I think you might know the answer to, but it's up to you to decide what to do.
You should read everything on MD's that you can. So many people here are willing and happy to help you as they know how painful all this is. There is so much good information here that I think it will end up being a godsend for you to read, saved my sanity and abilty to cope.
Know that my thoughts are with you, and that I'm glad that you got here when you did so you may have guidance on what to do and what not to do in handling this situation. Please keep posting and letting us know. You will be getting so many posts, also post on "General Questions" alot of people hang out there. Take care.

So Sad-

Sorry to hear about your problem! I also am new to this site but have found it very helpful.

I just found out about my wifes affair and am just starting through my problems so I may not be of much help.

My W also claimed that they were just friends. She also has said it is over until I find her car parked at his house. My advice take, try to believe him, but try not to be hurt if it is a lie.

You should get the book surviving an affair, I have read it and found it helpful. Also recomended to me is the book his needs/her needs, I have not read it but heard it is good. Are you seeing a counselor? Where is he living now?

I wish I could be of more help to you! Good luck and keep searching here for more information!

You have no reason to trust him, he is having an affair and lying about it (duh!) So...

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Thank you all for responding to me.....I know that it is an affair, I have probably always known, but I am just so scared to believe it. As far as confronting HER I never got the chance and I know that my husband told her I knew about the emails, so she never called me after she was fired. I just don't understand that if they are having an affair why is he telling me how much he loves me and why did he come home in one day...that was the perfect opportunity to be with her. I don't know........sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I love him with all my heart and I never ever thought this would happen. I will look into getting those books, and thanks again for your responses.

We ALL thought the same as you.

They ALL said the same as him.

Welcome to our world, you aren't alone.

He is in a deep, deep fog. Don't believe anything he says. He doesn't know what he's saying.