Looking for help!

My WS admitts she is having an affair with co-worker, she claims the are soul-mates and have so much in common. Her contract is up at her job at the end of the year and she thinks she is leaving, because they have not offered to extend it.

I have tried telling her that they have so much in common and are so happy because they have not had to pay bill, home repairs, etc. She agrees with me about that, but can't let him go.

She said she knows it is wrong to go to the arms of another but she still sleeps with him on occasion and never with me! She thinks it is wrong of me to ask her not to accept an extension on her job and not to see him anymore. She says she still has feelings for both of us but they are stronger for him. She wants to live with him for six months to see if they are "compatible". I told her I don't think I am strong enough for that, I got the opinion she doesn't care about my feelings.

As my other posting will show, I have tried a disasterous plan A and B, and am now trying a real plan A. She is seeing her own counselor, after ending our joint counseling, and says she wants time on her own to "figure it out". I don't think living with him is time on her own!

Would love any advice/support.
Thanks

First of all let me say that I am sorry that you are a victim of your spouse having an affair. I am glad that you have found this site though, as there are volumes of great information on these boards and also in Dr. Harvey's books. Your wife will need to be willing to end all contact with the other man for your recovery to work. It is not possible for her to ever be 100% into the recovery while another lover is in the picture. It sounds as though you are already familiar with Dr. Harvey's concepts, so I wont go into a lot of detail. If you have not already done so, I would highly recommend that you purchase and read Surviving an Affair from this site. This book will outline an effective course of action for addressing the situation, as well as your responses to numerous issues. You may want to see your doctor for an antidepressant, as you are going to be going through alot of emotional pain while your wife is living in the fog so to speak. Feel free to post and vent anytime that you need to. God bless and good luck.

i agree 100%.she wants time along to sort things out,so she'll live with another man!!!!i heard the same song and dance from my wife.all she wants is to try out the new guy and wants you to wait around ..just incase.this fog is really confusing!you know they talk about the fog that the unfaithful spouce is in,but some of the things the faithful ones have to do ,i wonder just how thick the fog is around us.we do crazy and unimaginable things for love.
sorry about that i had a fog moment.ok,back to your problem.my wife found out that her plans she was making with om was just as much as a fantasy as the affair.when push came to shove it was game to him.sure he talked about marraige and giving her the better life.and she fell head over heals for him.said he made her happier than i ever could.(her words)but in the end the fog cleared(for both of us)and we lived happily ever after....yea right..we lived.sorry got caried away there again.but the fog will clear.let her know if she really wants some time alone then she can have it.but she has to be along.tell her she needs to true to her self if true to anyone.that line really got my wife!its tough when the A is still going on.every thing you do is important.i guess what i learn is listen to what she says.she told me all about the om.,what he did that was so wonderful.guess what.. you can do the same.it wont happen over night,as you already know,but it will happen.
she will see that you can do it.

friend,
this does not sound like case in which one person in the relationship was so remiss that the other went else where to have their emotional needs met.

no it doesn't at all! this sounds like you have a wife who is not mature enough or who doesn't have enough character to behave in a decent and honest manner.

in short your wife enjoys having sex with her OM and doesn't really care who knows it or who's hurt by it. even more evil is that she realizes what she's doing but still doesn't care! she just rather go on enjoying her little stroll down lover's lane and all who are being hurt be damned. she doesn't even have the decentcy to leave you!

and you? you've decided to enable her behavior. you've decided in the interest of saving your marriage, to countence her behavior and in so doing, show tacit approval of it. i'm sorry but marriage or know marriage their is a greater issue here.

adults are accountable for the things they do and good people who stand by and let others behave in a manner that is a detriment to society as a whole are just as responsible for the unacceptibe behavior.

sorry but i truly feel you should wake up and do what's right and let your wife slink down her nasty road on her own.

coach.

Thanks for your help everyone!

Mfisher- I have read the book and gave it to my W to read. She doesn't seem interested in reading it. I am going to give her the EN questionaire and see if she will fill it out so I know what to work on. I am going to get some anti-depressants this week as the feelings are getting overwhelming!

ROB.S- She has said those same words that "he makes her happier than I ever could". My reply is that she has not given me the chance! She says she has seen changes in me for the better but she thinks I will go back to my old self again and she doesn't want that.

Coach- I agree with you about maturity and character, she says she is not having sex with OM, I see no reason to believe her. I don't think it matters anyway, they are sleeping together, right?

If she decides to "try him out" for awhile, I don't know if I should go to plan B or file for divorce. I know she has some heavy issues of her own, but I think she should truely be alone if that is what she wants and not be sleeping with her OM.

Still,

My situation is very similar to yours, and going through the same stuff, I can tell you what I've experienced/learned so far. My W is also of a young age and I think a lot of it has to do with just that -- They feel they're missing out on something in life by being married, want to live the single life again...It's just a bit of immaturity showing through.

My marriage isn't as new as yours (I've been married a little over a year) but my wife also started seeing OM, a single co-worker, behind my back, though it didn't go on for long before I knew. She also claimed no sex, but it started the moment she moved out. I couldn't stand seeing the A in my face all the time so I figured it was for the best she leave.

She was unreceptive to my attempts to read anything or fill out the EN survey. So don't be surprised that your W won't do it. They are living in a fantasy world that whatever they are doing is right, they see our attempts to "educate" as us telling them what they are doing is WRONG. Until they realize it, and it's hopefully not too late then, these surveys and books won't mean much to them.

Your W seems to want to continue her A because she has lost faith in you somehow. The key is to work on yourself and show her that you are improving for GOOD. Don't TELL her this, your actions and behaviors should show it. Only SHE can decide if she wants to come back to you, you can't convince her of that with words or education. There is a high probability that her new man will mess up and she will want you back. The question is, will you still love her then?

By the way, you won't know how you will handle a PA until it happens. I was ready to kick my WW out even just for kissing OM, then I reconsidered. After she left anyway, and PA started, I felt I could never take her back again. After reading SAA and the posts on this site, and searching my soul, I realized that, while recovery would be a lot of work, if my WW comes to realize she wants to work on our M, I will be willing to try that. But only you will know this for yourself when the time comes to make that decision.

For now, let her know that you don't approve of her continuing to see OM and that it is very hurtful to you. You don't need to force her to leave her job, that is controlling. You telling her how much it upsets you tells her you prefer she leave anyway. She knows this. But she is going to do what she wants regardless.

By the way, time on their own to "figure it out" usually means time to spend with the OM. My WW gave me the same line. Just expect that, don't be surprised. My WW is not the type of person that can be on her own without someone else there to support her. She has admitted this to me. Her relationship with OM got even closer once she left our home. I can only hope that she might soon realize what she had with me and want to try and fix everything.

Good luck to you. I know how you are feeling.

ALS

ALS- Sounds like you are maried to my W! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree it is a lot of immaturity showing through. The frustrating thing is that SHE was the one pushing for marriage for years, I was the holdout until I was sure she was the one. Now I question that thought everyday!

She has told me that she is not sorry for the affair because it has taught her alot about who she is. That really hurts to hear that she has no remorse, althought it shouldn't surprise because she claims she is still in love with him. Everyday that goes by I love her less and less, I constantly think about the two of them together! I feel he is the lowest form of life and is a waste of oxygen for others, she thinks he is God-gift to man-kind.

I am trying to work on myself and be a better man because of this. I am getting tired of fighting for a marriage that never really started but I feel like a quiter if I file for divorce. Everyday I say I will give her more time but later I question why I did that.

Lost and confused!

Still - nothing you have described is unusual in the realm of affairs. She is reading right from the WS script and you are responding just like a typical BS. Take some small amount of comfort in this.

But I'm gonna break MB ranks and recommend you bail out. I rarely recommend this in defference to trying to save marriages. But this presumes there's a lot invested to save and much more past good than bad.

But according to your tag line, you're both very young and she started her affair about two months after you married! She was not ready to get married! Do you think she's gonna mature in the near term?

Get out, lick your wounds, chalk it up to experience, and find a mature woman who will reap the benefits of what you've already learned.

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Unfortunately I too agree that because her A started a few months after you got married, that the problem is not so much you not fulfilling her EN's as much as she is not mature enough for M. Your wife is a girl, not a woman and she may never become one. There are many more women (in the truest meaning of the word) out there that are more than ready to be good wives to good men such as yourself. I would suggest that you educate yourself in learning how to satisfy a woman's emotional needs by reading books like 'His Needs Her Needs' 'Love Busters' by Willard Harley, 'Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus' by John Grey, and 'What Women Want Men To Know' by Barbara De Angelis, to name a few. And finally, forget about the concept of a one and only soulmate because that is just pure nonsense.

Thanks to all for the input!

Everyone seems to agree that I should move on to a mature woman. Am I being stupid in trying a plan B for a little while first? I guess it is hard to go from engaged to married to divorced, all in one year! It is hard to think about a divorce around Xmas!

Everyone says you will know in your heart when the decision is right, right now my head says go but my heart says wait!

Still ignorantly unsure!