I posted several weeks ago with my story - H having his 4th affair since we got married 8 years ago (denied all of them) and I was afraid to confront him because I was so scared of the possibility of losing the marriage. We have a 21 month old son and I am 7 months pregnant, and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine how I could possibly manage without him. Most of the advice I received was to confront him, several people said they would have to because they can't "share."

For a while I actually thought I could share. My indirect complaints about being left alone so often were paying off in the sense that he was spending more and more time at home, and I was trying to live in denial. Well, it didn't take long for him to get comfortable again and he began staying out late two or three times a week, sometimes getting home at midnight, other times as late as 4 or 5 am.

Well, I finally decided I can't share. I didn't need to confront him with my extensive evidence. I just told him, "I know where you are when you aren't home, and it is killing me. I can't live like this. Please think about it and tell me what I can do to make things better because nothing I've said to you has changed anything about your behavior." That was Saturday night. He slept home Saturday and Sunday he acted as if nothing was wrong, going on several family outings. But as soon as his mother (who is visiting us for a month from a foreign country) went to bed last night, he left and never came back, not even at his usual 4 or 5 am. I guess he decided that now that I knew the truth, there was no point in continuing the pretense that he actually lives here. He came home during the day while I was at work to spend time with his mother, but left before I got home tonight. We haven't had a conversation about what is going on, and I don't know how long he will continue this pattern - potentially it could go on for the duration of his mother's visit (come home while I'm at work, sleep at OW's house).

I am slowly trying to let go of the idea that my marriage can be saved. He shows no interest in saving it, and probably saving it would only be setting myself up for more A's. It is so hard, because despite everything I love him and I loved the life that we had built together. The thought of losing him and the life I love takes my breath away with grief.

The advice I need is, how do I get through the night, and tomorrow, and the day after that? Most importantly, how do I get through the nights. I've never slept a wink while he wasn't home - which meant many nights of going to sleep at 5am, but last night I didn't sleep at all and tonight I can't either despite being delirious with fatigue. I haven't eaten either. I just don't know how I'm going to survive with no sleep and no food, yet I can't sleep or eat. What can I do?

Pearl,

You need to take care of yourself. Your OBGYN needs to know the kind of stress you are under. What kind of support people do you have to help you get through this?

Please think of your health and that of your children. I know you say this man is the love of your life; but it's hard for me to have much empathy for him with his treatment of you.

Read everything you can on this website. Especially about plan A & B. I can't imagine dealing with what you are going through and be pregnant plus a near 2 year old!

They need you; and you need you! My thought is for you to tell all of your support people what is going on. This affair needs to see the light of day.

Please keep posting and venting. Let us know how you are doing. Blessings CSue

i dont know if this will help,but you say you cant imagine life w.o him.the truth is you have and have been having a life w/o him.he hasn't been there.so you can make it.the way it sounds he is a part time roommate.i dont mean to sound harsh.just giving you another way of dealing with this.i cant say its time to quit.you are the only one that can decide that.but dont hang on for fear of being alone.you have been alone.and you are surviving.the hardest part for me was to convince myself that i could be alone.once i did that,things changed drasticaly.
theres no easy solutions and every day is a new challenge.but one way or another you'll be ok.
once i found out what my wife was doing and she knew,the thrill of the affair quickly fizzled out.it wasn't long till it was over.maybe this will be the case with you .
i believe you said this was his 4th A.it is definately time for you to seriuosly think about you future with him,what ever the outcome of this one is.

so pearl, which part of your life with him is it that you love and can't live without? is it the many affairs? the nights you stay awake wondering if he's with another woman? the days you have trouble eating? the lies he has told in the past and the ones he will still be telling tomorrow? the disrespect? the way he dumps his mother in your lap and then runs off to play house with someone else? i'm having trouble understanding how your life could be any worse without him than it is right now. at least with him gone, you wouldn't have to live with the uncertainty and the waiting for him to disappear. is he even really there now? if it was just you, maybe you could try waiting for him to grow up. but you have kids, and do you want them to grow up thinking what your husband is doing to you is acceptable to do? unless he's willing to make some drastic changes in his behavior, you've either got to accept that what you have right now is the best it will ever be, or save yourself by leaving. you can do it, one day, one breath at a time. it will get better, can it get any worse?

Pearl,

I can relate to the situation that you are in. My WH has had a number of A's over the course of our M. At one point, I didn't confront either. Too scared, I didn't want my M to end and if I confronted, then I would have to DV. At least that was my logic at the time.

It is scary, but little by little stop stuffing the denial. It (A's) dont' go away. All of a sudden you've been M for 20 some years and you relize that the same old S*#t is going on and it hurts soooo bad. By now, there is even more invested in your M, and his habits are even more entrenched.

There is no way around it, but the look at it. Take glimps if need be. But work thru it, or you will face it again. Do it for you, and for your kids.

For support, I would go to alanon. Practically everyone knows someone who is an alcoholic. The tremendous support there is heart warming just like it is on the MB boards. It's real live people that have gone thru the same thing. Day by day, minute by minute you do survive.

Do you have family friends to be there for you?

God Bless,

D.