I hate being married. I hate the lies. I hate the justifications. I hate the self-centeredness. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make it through this. I can't take it anymore! I thought I could, but I just don't think I can. I just don't see there being any possibility of me ever trusting him again. I don't want to live my life as an insecure woman always wondering who he is messing around with next! I can't do it!

How could he do all of this yet tell me that he never once stopped loving me? What a crock! I don't see how he ever even loved me in the first place. He may love all of the things I do for him, but I highly doubt he ever loved me.

I don't think I can meet his EN's. I don't think anyone who is human can! I am crying so hard. I don't think I ever realized how much of a shallow, superfiscal jerk WH really is. He will divorce me if I ever gained weight or went without fixing my hair??????

AARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! What kind of monster did I marry? I'm terrified! What is going to happen when I start getting older and my hair turns gray and I start getting wrinkles? What will happen when I get to the point where I need false teeth? WH got really defensive when I asked him about how he had written the word DIVORCE in where you tell how it would make you feel if your spouse didn't meet your need for an attractive spouse. I asked him if he was serious and he told me yes. Needless to say, I think my rose-colored glasses got completely destroyed on that one.

I've had it. I can't compete with all of these OW. I can't be as pretty 24/7 as they can be during the few hours at a time he spent with them. I can't be as exciting or thrilling or spontaneous as his booty calls can be. I just can't do this. WH's only comment when I got upset was that he may not divorce me, but that he wouldn't be very proud of me. Since when am I arm candy??????????

On top of this, I still have all the other loads of "honesty" that WH threw out there for me. Thank goodness I am not a person who makes rash decisions or his butt would be out on the street TONIGHT!!!!! I am so sick of this though. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I've lost almost ten pounds since this past Thursday and I just can not keep up like this. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but I'm furious!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Vent away! It does help.

First...Have to addressed the statement..."He never loved me." Well...if that was true, he wouldn't have gotten seriously involved with you to begin with. After you two did get married...he wouldn't have needed to cheat...he would have left you. It's an amazingly hard fact to accept that MOST, not all, WS cheat because they do still love the spouse. If they didn't...they'd walk, just like so many other spouse's do. The divorce courts are full of spouses that no longer love each other.

NOW...as to how the WS can cheat? Because they are selfish, fearful of facing real problems and dealing with them. Scared to look inside themselves to find what the problem is, so they look outward to find a temparory escape hole to crawl into.

I can't remember if there were more then one OW in his past. IF so, it's possible that whatever "makes him tick", makes it extremely unlikely if he can ever be faithful over the long-term to anyone. (I was married the first time to one of these.) It has NOTHING to do with how their spouse looks, how they act, what needs they meet, NOTHING...it's all about their own self esteem and the overwhelming need to have that constant "high" and new adventures.

I'm not one to tell you if your marriage is worth saving or not. That is for you to decide. Whatever you decide should be what is best for YOU! If you can't! Then you can't!

Don't allow this to ruin your physical health along with your mental peace. Get yourself to your family doctor and get a good physical checkup and tell him/her what you're dealing with and you need some help and support.

Good Luck!

okay, must disagree strongly with the wifey here!to say that he must love you because he got seriously involved flies in the face of every jerry springer episode there's been! there are many people out there who see relationships as temporary, even past point of marriage, so to assume there's love just because there's a ring is not sensible. it's the actions they take that count, not the words they said when they took their vows. and is it just me who found the statement that he wouldn't be very proud of you if you lose your looks funny? like you have a darn thing to be proud of him for at moment? it sounds very much like you accidentally hooked up with a boy, not a man, one who likes his shiny new toys but doesn't want to clean up the mess he made when he's finished playing with them. also, statement that if he didn't love you he would have left you instead of cheating. big mistake to even think that way! if he loved you, he would have taken your feelings into consideration sometime before the seventh other woman. this is a serial cheater who has never taken your vows seriously, not a guy who made a mistake! chances are things won't change. it's gone on for to long with to many women that he probably sees no reason to truly change, just plans to go through motions until you let down your defenses. i honestly don't see how you will ever feel safe again with him, especially with the fear of him always running after something "better" that he has given you. do you really want to spend the rest of your life scared that a bad hair day will drive him to someone else? there is no dress rehearsel for your life, this is it, your one shot at living! you know how he has proved himself to be, now only thing left to decide is what you want yourself to be!

Thanks Just a Wifey. Now that I think about it, I honestly do think that it didn't have anything to do with me and how our marriage was (very happy when it all started). I don't think it helps that he keeps changing his stories about when it all started. Last night, he informed me that it actually started in '96. WH is a sex addict with an uncontrollable need to masturbate and act out (flirting, A's, OW).

I really do think he simply got bored. It is such a mind blow to think about how he admits that he knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew that if I found out that I would divorce him, so instead of not doing it, he decided to lie and keep lying so that he could have his cake and eat it too. What I don't buy into is that he says he won't do it anymore since he knows it wrong now. He knew it was wrong from the beginning. He made a deliberate decision not only to be with OW, but to keep going back to them time after time after time.

For goodness sakes, at one point in time he was juggling 4 OW in active PA's while still being married to me. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think our marriage will ever be able to be about anyone's needs and wants besides his own. I don't want to make decisions out of anger or hurt so it will be a while before I do anything if I even do. He claims to have been following the straight and narrow since July.

WH did admit his problems to his counselor and he is now telling me as much as I can handle about all of the various PA's and EA's. His veil of secrecy is gone. His family (who knew about his A's and even covered for him) know that I know about them now. He is keeping me informed of his daily habits at work and has been coming straight home.

Regardless of how much I want to believe that he is changing, I'm not sure I can. I didn't marry him to change him, but there are many changes that are going to have to happen if we are to stay together. If I would have known all of this about him, I would have run and never looked back. Will I be undermining the effort to save our marriage if I prepare for a divorce (financially and emotionally) just in case?

At this point, I can understand how BS's become vengeful WS's. I feel like my love bank is beyond bankrupt and now it is getting torn down brick by brick. I can't stop thinking about OW #1 (one of the ones I didn't know about). Looking back, I should have suspected something. Looking back, I suppose I did. OW #1 was the one who kept making hang up phone calls to my house. She is the one who I had a lengthy conversation with her father about getting phone calls from his telephone number and threatened him with legal action if they didn't stop. She would call the house and WH would sit there and simply say "Yes" before hanging up. Come to find out, it was OW #1 calling and asking him if I was home. He would tell her yes if I was and they would end the call with him telling me that it was the wrong number.

Right now, I am really hating him. Very rarely have I hated a person, but he has managed that nicely. I hate the very air he breathes and I hate the fact that he finally wants to save this marriage despite having done every sneaky thing he could that would destroy it. Honesty is the one characteristic which I admire the most. I can see where I won't be able to meet his EN for admiration either given his less than admirable skills in honesty and integrity.

My anger is surfacing in bits and pieces. Anger doesn't even begin to describe the feelings very well. It's more like rage. I probably should go to the doctor and get some help. I'm not sure if I have the strength to reach out for that kind of help right at the moment so it may take me a little bit to work up the courage.