My wife had an affair before we were married, but we were living together at the time. She then had another affair some years later, about 6 years into our marriage. Although this was a long time ago, I only recently found out about it. Then she had an inappropriate incident with a friend of mine just this last summer. That one wasn't an affair and they didn't sleep together, but it bothers me a lot because it was a long time friend of mine. The affairs each went on several months.

I have heard the same old apologies and guarantees that it won't happen again. The fact is that she does seem to go years between these events, but it is also becomming clear to me that I need to expect them every so often if we stay together. They say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Based on this, what kind of odds does anyone think this will happen again? Anyone else have experience?

Odds? Well, pretty low IF...she gets down and works on why she chooses this option and pretty d*mn high if she doesn't. She needs to do a LOT of reflecting and some changing of her behavior so that she learns how to see a different path. She needs to find some GOOD professional help to guide her on her journey of self-discovery. JMHO

Hope you're doing ok. Know that whatever emotions you are feeling now are normal. Good Luck!

My H had a ONS 13 years ago. He had an A this fall. Past behavior indicative of future behavior? Ouch.

All I know, is that I'm going to work hard to make sure the environment for an A doesn't take place again. But I can't stop it. I also don't want to do all the work myself. He's got to try, too. If it happens again, I'm out.

Thanks Dazed. Like me, it looks like the affairs that you dealt with were years apart. Do you know for sure there weren't others in between? I have no reason to believe there was, but after this type of thing happens a couple of times you begin to question your own judgment.

No, I guess I don't know there haven't been others. I don't really think so though. During the last D-Day bashing we went through he did say "I could have had lots of affairs and didn't".

I told him, "Quite the stud, aren't you."

This is to be taken totally in a painfulllll context.

I guess the difference between the first time and the last time is that this time, I was providing the environment and didn't think I really cared about M. Until you find the answer and clutch your stomach in pain - then realize, maybe I do care!

I also have found Marriage Builders and intend to implement these concepts into my life. I have tried unsuccessfully to get him to do counseling but I think I will keep that for a few years down the road. I want to stop and look back and see how it's been - do we need a little counseling or are things going well, or do I care?

That's why I think I want Mc the most, though. So that I won't let this happen again. Face it, we are both somewhat to blame.
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They say past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Based on this, what kind of odds does anyone think this will happen again? Anyone else have experience? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm a FWS. I have basically had 3 PA's during my marriage. My H forgave me easily the first 2 times. So the 3rd one, with his best friend started, and ended up including sex as well (the first 2 affairs didn't). So in answer to your question, I think the pattern will continue, and even perhaps escalate based on my own stupid past behaviours.

After #3, my H demanded separation, and we are now living apart. I don't know if we'll work things out, but this time I am finally clear on the fact that he is angry, hurt and won't let me continue to treat him so poorly.

I was reading "Torn Asunder" just the other night, and it states that if the BS doesn't make their anger and upset bold and clear to the WS, and the affair(s) are "swept under the carpet", it will happen again, because the spouse will think they can get away with it AGAIN.

Carefully explain to her how much these infidelities hurt you. Don't bottle it up and let it put an emotional distance between you. That will only make things worse, it will fester over time, you'll feel emotionally distant with each other, and will be at risk for another affair in the marriage. Make it boldly clear to your wife that if it happens again, you will leave her. Perhaps suggest that you go to MC together.

I know that ultimately I am the reason why I had affairs, I chose to have them, I didn't have the moral fortitude to say no. My spouse isn't to blame because he was so forgiving. But that behaviour did indirectly encourage me to continue my selfish ways. Now I've finally woken up, perhaps a little too late.

I hope my perspective was helpful.

Jen

Yes, Jen I appreciate your comments. I would like to know what other books you have read besides Torn Asunder. I have heard soo much good about this book, I wonder if I should read it. I read SAA.

This is a question I've struggled with recently also. I suspect my husband was unfaithfull to me before our marriage but accepted he would deny it til death and let it go. Early in our marriage he was again unfaithfull. The pain and devestation it caused was something I can't explain but anyone who's been there understands I'm sure. We both worked very hard and salvaged what I thought was a good marriage, not a perfect marriage, but a long marriage with children and big family and plenty of admiration and respect. I just found out he's been sleeping with my best friend, his best friends wife. As revolting as this is to me the most horrible part is that he still wont be honest and admits only to what he thinks I know. When I begged for the truth and told him our marriage could possibly heal from this kind of betrayal but not from his continued lying he exploited every promise we'd made in the past and used it to manipulate me. I'm done. I can't even say I don't love him. I might get over the pain but I know I shouldn't attempt to trust him again. The mental gyrations I'd have to preform to try wouldnt be healthy for me and I don't believe any longer that our children should be in a home with both of us with this level of pathology. I wouldnt presume to advise anyone of the right decision under similar circumstances. I know how unique and difficult these things can be. But these are only my thoughts and thank you for letting me air them.

"Torn Asunder" talks about things from a Christian perspective, but even if you are not a Christian, it is still so valuable in my opinion. It really helped me to understand things.

The first book I read was "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. Useful enough I suppose, but not earth shattering.

Then I read "Boundaries" by Anne Katherine. This was recommended to my by my counselor. Very informative, if you have doormat tendancies that is.

Then I read SAA, very informative, but very repetitive of all I had read on the MB site.

I started reading "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil, and learned some interesting things while doing the exercises he asks you to do, but I hit a roadblock when I got to the part in the book that asks you and your partner to sit down and do some of the work together, so I stopped reading it.

I also bought "Affairs" by Emily M. Brown, to figure out what kind of affair I was having, and it seemed to be a "conflict avoidance affair". However, you can find the types of affairs info that is in her book online, so I'd save the money and not bother with her book either. Here's a link to a questionnaire that identifies the type of affair (according to Emily Brown): LINK

I hope all that helps!!

JB

Yes, you have been VERY helpful. If my WH would read only one book I would be thrilled. I hope your H realizes how hard you are trying and comes around. Even if he doesn't, you'll be a better person for all the soul searching you are doing.

Thank you and good luck to you,
DB