Sue

Hope things are getting better

Hi Melinda,

Today is a better day. It goes up and down for me. I try to vent my frustrations here, so I dont' at home.

Sue

Thats good that you vent here instead of at home. The last couple of days when I was major LB I scared my son. I cried because he started screaming he was so scared. I just couldn't help myself at the time. I know what you mean about its up and down. That's the roller coaster I was talking about. I'm glad to hear things are better. As for my self I'm still at ?????????????
Keep in mind that you can always vent to me.

Melinda

Melinda,

Thanks, and you can vent to me. I know it is hard.

I will tell you something. I've shared this before. Years ago, when my H first met OW, he left me. We were not married. I never heard of MB. I don't know if this website even existed then. I begged, I tried to reason with him, I cried, I wrote letters, I did everything you should not do. After while, I stopped. Once in a while, I asked him what his intentions were towards our R. Didn't get anywhere. One day I decided, it is time to move on. I asked him what his plans were towards us. Same answer, of "I don't Know". I told him that he gave me my answer. I have been planning on moving, and I wanted to know if we were going to get back together and look for a place for the whole family or if I should look for something for me and the kids. (His mom owned the duplex we were living in at the time).

That shocked him some, he made comments about my moving on without him. I told him, he made his choice. He has had plenty of time to decide, and if he cannot decide now, then It is time for me to move on.

I don't know if he believed me, until the day I asked him if I could take his furniture with me. He left his furniture behind, I also told him I was keeping his dog, since the kids are too attached to him. Beside, he did not have a place for him. He said sure, I could use his furniture when I find a place. I informed him I already found a place, and put down the deposit money.

Asked if he would help me move. He tried to drag it out, he helped me a little, I got his cousin to help with the rest. Got moved in. After that, H was always around. Next thing I know, he is asking me to concerts, and to watch the out of town tournaments for hockey that he is coaching. He started being at my place more and more and more. Financial troubles struck me, had to move back to MIL duplex. H is still coming around alot. Now, it is going on two years, no progress towards permanant family status. I decided after the holidays and after our youngest S birthday, I will end it. I didn't want to put a bad mark on the holiday season. Next thing I know, H is proposing. We got married the next month. The mistakes I made was not resolving the OW issues. They are back.

So, don't try. Work on you, concentrate on school. Keep him in touch of son's progress, through letters and stuff. If you try to force the issue, you will get no where. My progress started when I did not force the issue of reconciliation.

Take care. Hopefully in my situation, I can resolve the issues this time.

Hi Sue,

I made it back safely and thank God I didn't hit traffic. Anyway, thanks for sharing that story with me. By reading that I wish I could have hope for my M but I really don't think so. Infact H has me convinced there is no chance.

He says he's not confused and that it's clear to him that D is the right thing to do. I wish that his answer could of at least been I don't know. Since he's sure I wrote him a Good Bye letter before I left and he wasn't suppose to find it till I was gone but he did and I saw him reading it. I felt wierd and acted like I didn't see him reading it so I went to change my sons diaper. He came in the room I was in, crying. Why... Well because I told him that when I leave there that I had to have no contact with him. I feel that this is the only way for me to let go.

I felt bad for saying that to him and seeing him cry made me feel even worse for writing the letter. I love him so much that it makes me sad to see him that way, but then what about his actions to make me feel the way I feel. I know that he wants to be in his sons life so I told him to make arrangements with my mom. This wont be how it's going to be forever, but for now it has to be. Maybe I'm being immature but I have to not see or hear him to forget him. You know out of sight out of mind.

I'm glad to know your feeling better. I read your thread and I laughed when I read that you didn't put his clothes away because he was capable. I said the same thing to my H. Now that I think about it what was the big deal. I just wish I had a second chance to make deposits in his love bank. Even if they were little ones like that.

I already want to call H and see if he ate dinner and if he is ok because he is spending New Years alone, but I know that I can't. It's hard not picking that phone up though. Oh well...life goes on. Something I've learned in the military is to Suck it up and press on. I've sucked it up and am now pressing on.

Your H was or is still in the Navy? Was he stationed in San Diego or Long Beach? Either way they are both nice.

Well I'm going to go play with my son and all his new toys now. That's about how exciting my life is right now, but it's all worth it when he laughs. Take care Mel

Mel
I just read your entire thread here. Of course you have some of the best people on this site helping you and I was glad to see that.

If I can add my few cents to this for you. Im a FWS (former WS). I have been in recovery with my H for three years. I had the A, it was an EA but nevertheless, it was bad.

Can I tell you a few things that may help you. First of all you are under a ton of stress with a young baby and going to school. I would suggest you get to a doctor to help you with what I think you are suffering from and that is a bit of depression and maybe some anxiety. He/She can give you something mild to help you over the rough spots. It won't take the pain away but it will help you level out some and handle things better.

Also, let me tell you frankly that something that your H may not find appealing is that, and don't take this wrong, but nothing is more unattractive than someone that lovebusts, cries nonstop, acts needy and so forth. Its just plain ole unattractive. What is attractive to someone is, regardless of the pain you fell and I know it hurts, is someone that is strong, confident, and level headed. This will take alot to do. You will really have to push yourself to an extreme but it works. Trust me. Once he see's that you are not crying all the time, saying mean things, being needy and begging for the marriage to work, the tides will turn. Be on your best even if it takes all you have in you.

When you see him again, make sure you look the BEST you can look regardless of anything. Be dressed nicely, nails done, hair done, smile on your face and I know this is hard he will begin to wonder and he will see that you are not a needy crybaby but rather a strong woman trying to get through school and raise her son and save her marriage.

Honestly, Im not saying you are needy and a cry baby. You pain is evident and I sympathize with you but you have to pull yourself together no matter how hard it was.

When My H found out about my A. I did not cry, beg or anything for us to work out. I sucked it up and took all he dished at me and it was ugly. He wanted it over with at first and so on but I remained strong and worked hard as I possibly could on me and I changed. I let my actions speak for me. Words didn't register with him. I later found out how he cried at night seeing how I was holding up, taking what I was taking but not quitting on him. It took more than I had in my heart and soul Mel but I did it. 3 years now and yes there are still rough spots but we are in a good recovery and healing very well.

Listen. This is hard. Just the fact that he is discussing his marriage with his X girlfriend is not a good sign Mel. Sorry but that could be the start of an EA, if it has not already gone there. It may not be, giving him the benefit of the doubt but that is what happened to me. My marriage was in trouble and I felt my H did not listen to me and a host of other stuff and while he was not an x boyfriend, I turned to another man that did listen, that validated my feelings and it can be very intoxicating. I regret that very much. It could of been more disasterous but thank GOD my husband found out and the day he did, it saved my life and marriage.

Please try to see a doctor. Please try not to love bust. If you feel you will say something ugly or cry on the phone when he calls, calmly tell him that its not a good time to talk right now and offer to call him back or have him call you at a later time.

NO emails UNLESS its something about your son or important. No emails begging for a chance or anything like that. That will annoy him. I think too he is not thinking clearly right now. There is a chance you can save this marriage, I believe so but it will take all you have in you to do so.

If you want more advice or help. Im here for you.

Remember. Don't drive him away with things that bug him. Make him miss the GOOD stuff there was between you.

Zoey

Zoey,

Thanks for the advice. Maybe he did find it unattractive for me being so needy and crying, crying, crying. I tried my hardest not to but it happened and I wouldn't change how much I cried even if I could turn back time. When I was out visiting him I did love bust for the first three days, but had stopped since it didn't get me anywhere except make me more angrier. I'm past the LB stage now. I'm at trying to accept what has happened and make something of what I do have. I still love as much as I did before D came up and I'm not saying I don't hurt anymore because I do so much, but it is over.

I've already told him that we will have no contact unless he changes his mind or till I find myself again. I was once that strong and level headed person and will be once I get my feet on the ground. I have family that he can call if he needed to make arrangements to see his son. I'm very serious about the no contact thing.

Good advice on visiting the doctor. It is on my to do list. I need something just to help me a little that won't make me drowsy.

Yeah I know it isn't good for H to be talking to ex about my M but hey it doesn't matter anymore. I'm not gonna dwell on what her motive is or what he's trying to get out of it cuzz my M is over. I can't control his actions or thoughts so what he does from here on is his buisness. I've given up when I left their this morning. It's over and I'm pressing on.

Hey Zoey I don't want to say negative stuff on what you did because I don't know your whole story but did you sit your H down and tell him what needs he wasn't fullfilling of yours before you went to another man to get them met? Just have to know that.

Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
-I like that. Maybe time won't heal my pain but in time I will get tired of feeling like this and become numb to it.

Yes,
When he was ready to talk to me. Initially the first few months we lived in seperate rooms at home and he didn't want to hear much of what I had to say or tell him but after awhile he listened and started to realize what ENs were not met and where his part was in things going wrong. I don't blame him for the A, that was MY doing. I made that choice. I made the bad mistake of involving another man.

But I have had to hold him accountable for not listening or his part in the ordeal. That was hard at first but eventually he saw the importance of how not validating my concerns or not listening caused alot of harm to us.

We are lucky because we have both worked hard at this. Its not easy. Its very very hard.

I don't mind talking about any of it you can ask me anything. If I can save someone the pain of what we went through, Im more than happy to.

Are you totally convinced its over? Does he call you at all?

Zoey

Mel
Actually what the saying translates to is this

Time heals nothing but what you do with the time matters. Meaning take that time and use it wisely, in the end, that will count for more than you can imagine. Do positive stuff with that time.
Zoey

Zoey

Yes I'm totally convinced it's over. As far as calling I just got back this morning from visiting him and no he has not called. He's respecting the no contact rule I put out there. Before visiting him he rarely called. He didn't miss me at all but once in a while he did call to check up on our son.

As far as your A, yes it was a bad idea. The important thing is that you know it and you did what ever it took to hang in there. I'm happy that things worked out for your M. It might not be the best right now, but it will be. Good Luck

depressed -- Checking in to see how you are doing? Don't worry that you haven't heard from your H (that's pretty typical at this stage).

I need to find the link to LostVAs story for you and post it to you. I think that will give you some ideas. I wouldn't be in touch with your H for a bit and then just send some emails in a few weeks updating him on how your son is doing etc. I'm going to go track down the link for you and post it next.

Here's the link and keep scrolling down to read the whole thing. Hope you are ok.

lostva's story

unsure,

Thanks for sharing that with me. I read it and it makes me want to have hope, but at the same time made me compare my 2 year marriage to hers which is so much longer. I do want to have hope that my husband is just in some fog right now. Really I do, because I love him so much and the thought of him giving his time to someone besides me kills me.

I must admit though the thought of him calling me up one day telling me he made the wrong decision pops in my mind often through out the day. If that is hope than I might just have some left but I've been thinking a lot and if I can't have him for a husband I don't want to lose him as a friend. I decided not to do the no contact thing. I don't know though maybe that's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm still confused about a lot of things.

I must tell you though today I went out and visited some friends. It felt good. We even made plans to do something Saturday night like old times and tomorrow I'm going to visit my brother in San Diego. I'm trying to keep busy so I don't dwell on my sadness. I've been spending alot of time with my son and I can tell he's enjoying me not taking him to daycare.

Hope your doing well and that New Years was better for you than me. I went to sleep at 10:30 that night. I'll have to look up your thread when I get back tomorrow but for now I must head to bed cuzz I'm leaving at 5am. Also I might be checking out another forum soon. Take care: Mel

Hi Mel,

How are you doing?

Hi Sue,

Are you feeling better? Hope so and also hope things are still going good with you and H. As for myself not so good. Been feeling really depressed lately.

When I left AZ I thought I would be able to give up on my M. I even gave him the good bye letter and all and I just can't seem to do it. He knows I'm having a hard time accepting that he doesn't want to be married anymore but he can't change his feelings.

I wonder everyday if the people here are right that my H is in fog. I'm not so sure cuzz he doesn't seem to think so.

I've went back to plan A but in the back of my mind I'm not so sure if I should even stay in plan A. He knows how hard I'm trying and even feels bad that he doesn't feel the same towards me.

School starts in 2 days and I had hoped to heal a little bit before school started up again so I won't be so confused but nothing has changed. I just hope that I can find it in myself to not dwell on my marriage. I've contemplated on taking anti-depressants but really don't want to.

I'm just confused.................aaarrgggghhh. I hate this feeling.

Hi-I'm pretty new at this stuff on line but not new to your dilemma. I feel so badly for you and wish I could give you a hug. I, too, went thrugh the many stages you describe and am currently with my husband of 31 years. At 29 years he also said he had not loved me for a long time and that for 21 years he had been having an A with OW. After much indecision he gave up the other woman and I thought we would be able to have the relationship I had always wanted. He says he wants it, but he just does not put the effort into it. I have read every book, done all the work, even gone to MB week-end seminar. Now it seems too late to walk away myself. I wish I had just exed him out of my life and gone on. Use plan A and plan B. Learn about love-busters. They are wonderful tools. But----Don't give your husband too many chances. You can look in the mirror and know you have done everything, feel good about creating a new life for yourself and your son and move on.

Hi Mel,

Everything is okay so far with me and H. If I didn't know what I know, I would have though I was crazy to think he was having an A. He has been very good to me lately.

I think it is possible that your H is in a fog. He will not see it, so no point in telling him. He will just deny it anyway. When my H left me 7 years ago, he didn't know what he wanted at first (or was that was what he was telling me, so he did not have to tell me the truth, or the truth as he knew it to be). He did not make any attempts at coming home, or wanting to make it work. He never told me he didnt' want to. I found out he moved in with OW, he didn't tell me. At that point, I decided time to move on. It was over. When I started moving on without him, he took notice. I stopped asking about where our R was going, I stopped asking if he was coming back, I stopped asking what he wanted from me. He started asking me if I was moving on without him. My response was, you went and go an apartment with a "friend" and signed a lease, it is obvious to me that you dont' want a R with me. I have tried and asked you many times if you wanted to get back together, and you always said you didn't know, or you told me you were happy the way you are. So, I have no choice but to make plans for me and the boys that don't include you. I did not do this as a plan to make him wonder, I was serious about making a life for me and the boys that did not include him on a daily basis.

At this point, talking to him about the M, will not work. Especially if he is in a fog. All you can really do, is concentrate on you and your son. I know it is hard to do. You have to do this for yourself. If he does not make any moves towards a D, during the next few months, keep in touch through letters and tell him how the baby is doing, let him know that you are doing fine. Don't tell him how miserable you are. Yes, lie through your teeth. It drove my H nuts that I was doing fine without him. (When I realized this, I knew he still loved me). When you are ready, you can then take the next step towards either asking for a reconciliation or a D.

Now, don't have any expectations that him thinking you are doing fine will make him come running back, it might ease his guilt and he will feel like a free man. I did not do anything with expectations of getting him back. I was ready to move on without him, and that was my plan.

Take care

Hey Sue,

Thanks for writing back. I'm glad to hear you guys are still doing good. Hope it stays that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband actually came out and visited our son this weekend. He left this afternoon. I didn't argue with him but did ask him why he stopped loving me if he likes hanging out with me and he said that over the two years we were married I was very mean. I already figured that out...That I was mean but I've been trying to change. Not because of him but I did notice it too and by coincidence it was the month that he had asked me for a D.

The plan that you had about making plans without him, I had that too at the moments where I'm feeling strong. Unfortunately those moments are brief and I start becoming hopeful for my M and get depressed cuzz I can't have what I want. My M back.

School starts again tomorrow and I pray that I don't dwell on my sadness. I try not to but it's so hard. I know I can do anything I want to. I mean that I am a strong person and if I want something I'll get it and do what it takes to get there but for some reason I can't let go even though I know its for the best. For me healthwise. I don't know if I'm making sense. For some reason I'm starting to feel like I'm in fog.

By the way good luck to you on your last semester. I think after clinicals I'll take my last 2 bio classes and do the ladder to RN. I know I will not be satisfied with the LPN wages and I want to buy a house for my son and I since I do not want to keep the house in AZ. No family there and it's really hard not having anyone to depend on at all.

Hey Sue I was just wondering How did you know your independence drove him nuts? Just wondering. Thanks for the advice. I hear what your saying and I will follow your advice as I know that it is what I should do, but when I'm ready I guess. I feel like right now I can't make any type of decisions. It's like I'm here but not here. Do you know what I mean? Hope to hear from you again.

Hi Mel,

How did I know my independence drives him nuts?, He tells me that he wishes I was more submissive. I am who I am, and he has to accept it. He knew I was very independent when we met, I have not changed. Some things are too important for me to give up on.

When you are done with LPN school, you could try to find a job at a facility that will reimburse you for continuing on to get your RN degree.

Plan A him when you can. Things might change over time. He might have regrets, how do I put this. Do you care what the motivation is, as long as the end result is the same. He might find that being a part time daddy is not worth it, and may want to try harder to make it work. Did you suggest MC to him, or the Marriage Builder workshop, reading HN/HN?

Hey Sue,

Yes I did tell him about MC when I first discovered this website. He said no because he didn't need two people trying to convince him to change his mind. I accepted his answer and didn't push on it. When we had discussions about how I felt about him wanting a divorce it came up again because he had told me that he's tried everything to make our relationship work. I don't agree because of other things but mainly because he wouldn't try MC and I've told him to visit this website to learn what I have and he didn't say anything.

I try not to be pushy anymore but I did make sure that he knew that I am very happy with getting a divorce and that I love him. That's pretty much all I do now is to show him I love him. He wrote me once and told me that he knew and that being loved like that by someone is awesome, but he just doesn't feel the same.

He agreed to wait to file D papers when I graduate so I can go down there and sign whatever I need to and gather the rest of my things. It's for convenience for me I guess, but I'm just hoping that before August comes that he'll change his mind. This is kind of why I don't just leave him alone like I should because I don't want him to think that I've given up. My son is acting up got to go. Write more tomorrow.