Hi Mel,

That is very considerate of him to wait. At this point, I would not talk about getting back together, divorcing, anything like that.

He loved you at some point. We all change over time, but, how have you changed since he met you, fell in love with, and married you? What can you do different? Why did you change?

Be the woman he fell in love with before, as long as you are that woman. Show it in letters and phone calls. When will you have a break and you can bring the baby to see his father.

Sometimes, in life, we forget what matters most, and start treating those we love with disrespect and treat strangers better. We need to treat our loved ones as if they matter most. Life throws curve balls at us, and we want the last moment spendt together to be good ones. (I think of this, because, my father and I were never on very good speaking terms, my last words to him were very irritable. He had a heart attack later that day and died). I forgot this lifes lesson until recently.

Mel -- You've gotten some great advice from Sue and some good questions for you to think about in your plan A.

I think it is a positive sign that your H is not rushing the D and is willing to wait. You can work on yourself, get through school, and see what happens.

Patience was not a virtue I had before my whole ordeal, but I've had to learn it. I know you must be a patient person because it seems to me that all mothers of 2 year olds need to be aces at that (my sister, the nurse, has a 2 year old boy and one on the way).

I read your posts wishing I had some terrific advice and a detailed plan of action that made sense for you, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you can do a plan A. Sue has asked some good questions for you to think about what you might do in your plan A.

For me, plan A meant: a) taking better care of myself through exercise and eating better with the bonus that I've lost some weight (I had certainly gained a few pounds since our wedding day), b) re-establishing friendships and trying to be a better friend, c) trying to be more positive and see the joy and beauty in really simple things every day (thinking each night what did I see or experience that was positive), and d) trying to do something nice for somebody else as often as possible even if it was just asking the bag boy at the grocery store how his day was going. You see, I had over the years become a less positive person about many things and had let the little things in life get me down.

I'm sure you can think of things you would like to change that you could take small steps on each day. It really helps. Some days it was as simple as praising myself for getting the trash out, the cat box cleaned, and making a single phone call to a friend. Focusing on you and others in your life is very helpful.

I hope you are doing well and that your classes go well (the first days back after a vacation are always hard). Best to you and your little boy.

Hi Sue,

Speaking of considerate my husband is now taking that option back. He said he can not wait till August cuzz I am so stressful. Stressful I asked...how?

When he came to visit last weekend we went to the movies and I put my head on his shoulders and had been doing really nice things for him trying to make deposits. He said he doesn't think that he could ever love me again and when I do things like that he gets stressed out. He claims that he cannot sleep at night because of this whole ordeal but I think it's because he takes naps when he gets home from work.

Maybe I am better off just treating him like s**t. He told me this Tuesday night and said he would make his final decision by the end of this week and I demanded by Friday so I can allow myself to be sad for a few days since it is a 3 day weekend. Wow my life is so busy again that I have to schedule when I can allow myself to be sad.

I find out tomorrow and will let you guys know, but things don't look to good. All my effort is going to getting my sad self up in the morning and not giving up and taking care of my son. I am so emotionally exhausted once again and feel like I'm ready to shut down. I'm trying not to cuzz when I do I keep to myself and become this bitter person.

I've been having such a bad week that I do not have anything positive to say so I'll get back on later.

Thanks for keeping up on me
Melinda
Hi Mel,

That is very considerate of him to wait. At this point, I would not talk about getting back together, divorcing, anything like that.

He loved you at some point. We all change over time, but, how have you changed since he met you, fell in love with, and married you? What can you do different? Why did you change?

Be the woman he fell in love with before, as long as you are that woman. Show it in letters and phone calls. When will you have a break and you can bring the baby to see his father.

Sometimes, in life, we forget what matters most, and start treating those we love with disrespect and treat strangers better. We need to treat our loved ones as if they matter most. Life throws curve balls at us, and we want the last moment spendt together to be good ones. (I think of this, because, my father and I were never on very good speaking terms, my last words to him were very irritable. He had a heart attack later that day and died). I forgot this lifes lesson until recently.

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S-

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Hey unsure,

Yeah sue has given me some good advice and I have thought about the questions she had asked and actually had asked myself those same questions since H asked for D and have been working on changes since.

I don't know if you read my post to Sue but as of Wednesday husband does not want to wait till August for D. I guess in my Plan A where I messed up was not following through on the no contact. I don't know but I will accept what ever decision my H makes because I have no choice to.

From here on I am going to start taking better care of myself and son. This is all I can do right now because the everyday daily task is a challenge for me.

I hope everything is still going good for you. I'll read your thread to find out. Take care Mel.

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry to hear about your H's change of mind.

I really don't know what to say right now.

Regardless of what he does, I would still try to Plan A him. If he comes to see the baby, tone down the physical, just be nice. If he finds that as stressful, then he is feeling guilt. And that may be what he is feeling anyway.

Work on yourself.

Take care

Hi Sue,

Yeah I'm pretty bummed out about H decision but maybe this is for the best. I'm pretty drained out from wondering what if anyway. Don't get me wrong though I still love him and want to be with him. We had a pretty detailed conversation the night he brought this up and I pretty much layed everything out on table what I expected and how it was gonna be once he files for Divorce. I wanted to ask you for your opinion and who ever else who may be reading this.

Am I being mean and selfish for these demands?
1. He needs to sell our house (my reason is I didn't want the D so why should he be comfortable in a house and me and my son in a room in my moms house)
2. I told him to keep the furniture because I didn't want to hassle with having to put it in storage because I have no place of my own to put it so I said I want all the income tax return this year so that I can in the future have money to buy my own furniture or just in case hard times come which I assume are around the corner.
3. I also told him when he comes to visit our son that he can not stay with us that he should get a hotel. (this is the one I'm not too sure on cuzz I know military personnell do not make that much money... but why should I make it easy and convenient for him when he has stopped thinking about my feelings. Should I allow him to stay here with us so that it will encourage him to visit his son? This is also hard because I still love him and I feel like I'm being mean by not letting him stay with us.)

By the way Sue how's the first week of school? Mine was crazy. First we didn't have a classroom and then our clinicals got postponed one week because one of the hospital sites said we couldn't use their facility. I finally start on Tuesday. At least we have a 3 day weekend so early in the semester:) Hope your week was better then mine oh and to add to my terrible week I got my first migraine headache yesterday and as it was time for me to go home I had a flat tire. Nice huh? Just thought I'd vent. Sorry.

Hope to hear from you and hope that your M is still going good.

Hi Mel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I being mean and selfish for these demands?
1. He needs to sell our house (my reason is I didn't want the D so why should he be comfortable in a house and me and my son in a room in my moms house)
2. I told him to keep the furniture because I didn't want to hassle with having to put it in storage because I have no place of my own to put it so I said I want all the income tax return this year so that I can in the future have money to buy my own furniture or just in case hard times come which I assume are around the corner.
3. I also told him when he comes to visit our son that he can not stay with us that he should get a hotel. (this is the one I'm not too sure on cuzz I know military personnell do not make that much money... but why should I make it easy and convenient for him when he has stopped thinking about my feelings. Should I allow him to stay here with us so that it will encourage him to visit his son? This is also hard because I still love him and I feel like I'm being mean by not letting him stay with us.) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are not being selfish
I don't know your state divorce laws, but in my state you are entitled to the your share of the equity of the house, he can either sell it or buy your share from you. You will need this to buy your own home when you finish school.

What about child support?
Alimony while you finish school - are you entitled to it?

As far as where he stays - tough one, have to think on it.

Lest see what others have to say.

BTW, my guts says - get a motel.

Then again if I followed my gut all the time, I'd be divorced by now and he probably would have been the one to initiate it

Mel,

do you think he would come and visit the baby more if he stayed with you?

Do you want to use this as a time to Plan A?

Or have you decided to move on?

Let you answers to these questions and any other that you can come up with help guide you in your decision as to whether or not he should stay at a motel

Hey Sue,

Do i think he would visit our son more if he stayed with us? I think he would visit more if he stayed with us because then it would be very expensive for him to come out and stay at a motel. His salary isn't much.

Have I decided to move on. No I'm pretty much waiting for his call today to let me know his final decision. If he says he's going to file I do know that I'm not going to cry and beg this time. I'm just gonna say OK and move on. These past two days my love for him is starting to turn into hate. I've been thinking of just how difficult I could make our divorce but I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I just want to find peace of mind and if I can get there by hating him than so be it. I'm just tired of wondering so I'm really anxious to hear what he has to say, althought I pretty much already know.

I read your post about you taking anti-D in the past. I've considered them too but am scared that they will make me drowsy and I can't be while going to school so I was wondering do you know of a kind that doesn't make you so drowsy and have little side effects?

I was on Celexa, I think it is the mildest of the Anti'd's.

Sorry about your test. I know it is hard to focus, but try to focus on school. I find it helps alot.

He is really rushing this divorce thing.

As far as where he should stay, follow your instinct and what is best for you. If having him in your home is too hard on you, then send his butt off to a motel. If you can handle it, and want him to see your son more, then let him stay. Your choice. There is no right or wrong here, this is about what is best for you.

If he does not get to see his son as much as he wanted, oh well, he made this decision, he can live with it.

When you graduate, will you probably stay in your current area?

As far as one that does not make you drowsy, they all affect everyone differently. They also take 2-6 weeks to take their full effect. It is possible that by the time my body adjusted I would no longer be drowsy. As you know, I didn't have the time for my body to adjust. I failed my first test while I was taking them, so I had to stop. I kept falling asleep while studying.

Hello, I just got the same story tonight. H is not sure if he loves ow more. He wants to live at home with an aragment that he can spend time with her. Am I a fool? I've loved this man for more than 20 years. We been together since I was seventeen. Pepole say know one ever died from a broken heart. It sure feels like death to me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey Sue,

Husband finally called me last night after going out and having fun with some friends of ours that are still in the military. His final decision is to proceed with D.

I didn't beg but did cry when I told him that all this time I blamed myself for what ever I did that made him not love me until just yesterday morning. It was wierd I felt like I was so exhausted in trying to save my marriage and started to see things clear. I realized that I wasn't that mean and all I expected was for him to assure me that he would take care of me and love me. I feel like I deserved some apologies too but didn't get none last night. I did however tell him the only mistake and fault that I did make was the way I expressed myself and the way I demanded my needs. The closest to an apology I got was "You know I would of took care of you right."--My answer was "No" and stopped the conversation because it would do no good anyway.

I also told him that until our marriage is final he is still my husband and that I would not tolerat being disrespected by his ex constantly calling and writing him and if it didn't stop that I would take action. (For all those military wifes out there that are being betrayed by their spouse I just wanted to let you know that in the military they not only have to abide by the laws you have to abide by but the UCMJ Uniformed Code of Military Justice as well. Military members will be dishonorable discharged for infedility.)

He said that nothing was going on and I said I don't care I still think so, so if nothing is going on then it should be no problem to stop all contact with her. He agreed to it and to not have any relationships until our D is final. I may sound jealous but I am. I think I have a right to. I sent the ex and e-mail too, explaining the consequences so if she cares about him she'll leave him alone till the D is final. Am I being childish?

Sue as far as your question about will I stay in my area after graduation. Yes I will because having family around would help me out so much. Like for right now I'm financially struggling so my friend offered to watch my son till I got into a low income daycare. Friends and family are my support system and right now I need them.

As far as the anti-D, I'm kind of iffy about getting on them. I know it takes about 2-4 weeks for them to actually take affect but this morning when I woke up I felt fine. Kinda relieved that it is over. Maybe I'm on that rollercoaster right now and the part I'm on isn't so bad and will get worse later on but I think I can handle it with out meds. I think I just finally exhaled. Have you ever watched that movie? I never understood it till now. I think starting tomorrow I'm moving on to divorce and divorcing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I just wanted to post one more thing.

I want to thank everyone for being there for me and giving me advice when I needed it most. I don't know how I would of got this far without MB. Hope you guys still check up on me at the Divorce and Divorcing forum.

moving on to Divorce to check on you

Hi Mel,

Now that there is a confirmed decision, it sounds like you have found some new found strength. Especially since you took a look at yourself and realized that you were not all at fault.

In Dr. Harley's book SAA, and it makes sense, when a WS is in an A, they are in a fog and blame the BS for their A. I don't know if the same happens with a spouse who just wants to end a M and is looking for excuses. I makes sense that they would, because they need to justify their actions.