This is my first post but I have been visiting Marriage Builders for 4 months. So here goes…

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together for 16 total. We have 4 gorgeous children ages 3 weeks, 2 yrs, 4 yrs and 6 yrs.

My husband pulled the rug out from under me on Aug 15 while we were lying in bed. He said he was not happy with his life, his home or me. He had gone to NY for a business trip the day before and he said he had a revelation and it changed the way he viewed his life. People that he disliked, he now saw then as friends and things that used to make him happy, no longer did…meaning his spouse. He aquired a new circle of friends and abandoned his old friends. He then continued to tell me that he needed time alone and was thinking of moving in with his Mom. I was stunned and could not even respond. I asked him if he wanted to work on our marriage and he said it was too late and I was too nasty. He said I had 16 years to make him happy and he was tired of me yelling at him and being nasty to him.

My husband started coming home late from work and making up excuses about his whereabouts. He used to email and call me throughout the day and this stopped. He stopped coming home to eat dinner with his family. I found out that he had been working on a project at work with a single female coworker. They had been working side-by-side for about a month and she also went to the NY business trip with him. He had mentioned this girl before and said he disliked her (not his words but I am being nice). Now, he said she was the nicest person he ever met. He did mention that he had been talking to her about his unhappiness and about my nastiness.

He continued coming home late from work, sometimes as late as 4AM. He never had a reason for his lateness other than he was working OT. From the start, I was the loving wife, started Plan A and did not question him or scold him for coming home late.

He left to stay with his Mom. He stayed with his Mom for 2 days and then started staying with co-worker friend. He insisted she was only a friend and nothing more. I started noticing Lunch and dinner charges on the credit card. He usually spent under $5 for lunch and now the charges were for $50 and sometimes $100 for a meal. I called the restaurants and talked to the waitresses and found out what I needed to know. He told me they were business lunches and dinners and work was reimbursing him. A lot of Cash withdrawals were coming out of our checking account also.

My WS would stay at home some nights and at her apartment other times. The first time he stayed at her apartment, he said he was helping her move furniture and fell asleep. Then the lies and deceit started. He would make up all sorts of excuses for not coming home. He turned into someone that I did not know. He started listening to club music, tanning at a salon, wearing cologne, etc. He said he did not want to be married anymore and took off his wedding band (he had never taken it off in 12 yrs). He had and still has no interest in working on the marriage.

He came home with his duffle bag on Oct 6 (my birthday). I believed he was home for good. The next day, he spent with his friend in the hospital. He said she almost died and she needed him. I was also 7 months pregnant but I guess he thought I did not need him at this time. He went back to her apartment since she did not have anyone to take care of her ( she had a roommate). He continued to visit home and sleep at her apartment. He still took care of some things around the house and bought groceries…all the normal things that he used to do. But he would not eat dinner with us and if he visited, he would leave late at night to go back to her apartment. The strange thing is that he would ask me if it was ok to go and stand in the doorway waiting for a kiss and a hug and then tell me that he loved me.

He came home again on Nov 6 (his birthday) and said he wanted to be home to help with the birth of our son. He took me to the hospital and was his normal loving self throughout the birth. He visited me at the hospital but still continued to see his “friend” for dinner and lunch. Although he said he would be home to help with the baby, he still continued to come home late…anywhere from 12AM to 3 AM. He was using our home as a hotel and would sleep and shower here. He still refused to eat here except on Thanksgiving. I have to mention that this day was perfect, he was “normal” and loving.

Last night we had a huge argument (only the second one since this started). He bought a new car and did not tell me about it. He already has a Miata and now bought an SUV since the Miata does not drive well in the snow. We do not even have enough money to pay for this new vehicle and he does not seem to even care. He is still keeping the Mitata as a pleasure vehicle. He was going to charge the down payment on my Visa so I closed the card. Now, I believe he is borrowing the money from his friend. I am so upset since all of our major purchases have been joint and he signed this contract in secret. Anyway, he came home late last night and woke the baby up and I flew off the handle. I told him to leave. He mentioned Divorce again and wants me to make the decision for him. Instead of him leaving, he fixed the sink at 12:30 AM. He then went to sleep on the couch. I talked to him for about an hour and covered him before I went upstairs. He thanked me for covering him with a blanket. I felt really sorry for him because he seemed like a little boy and was so sad.

At this point, I am at a loss as to what to do. In the beginning, I told him how much I loved him, that I was willing to work on the marriage. I have read numerous books, wrote letters, emails, poems, tried to meet his EN (he filled out the questionnaire, read the HNHN book and listened to the quick start tape). I attended a self-help class and everyone, including him, has noticed the changes. I had given him his space and he abused it. Now, I do not call him or email him during the day. If he calls me, I do not tell him that I love him or miss him. I do not ask him where he has been or who he has been with. I have told him to leave in the past and he still comes back. I just wish he would let me know if he is staying or leaving and if he wants a divorce, then why won’t he just serve me with Divorce papers? I hate that my life is at a standstill and I have nothing to say about it. I hate that he knows I am a strong individual and can deal with the pain that he is making me go through.

I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me. I am losing hope for this man to ever break out of his fog.

Thanks for listening.

Your post really struck a nerve here. I read it and was furious at your WH for treating you like he has been. It sounds just like my WH, who continued telling me for months that he loved me, wanted to save our M, but then continued to further his A by having his OW move in with him. I understand what you are going through - we all do - and our hearts bleed for you.

You ask, "why won’t he just serve me with Divorce papers?" My question to you, "Why should he?" You're letting him do what he wants - have his OW plus his home & kids. Classic cake-walking. He's going to wait until he's either forced by OW to make a decision, or until you make a decision for him. Are you ready to make a decision?

That's really the crux of the matter. What do you feel in your heart AND mind is best for you? Are you strong enough to continue as you are? Or are you ready to bring the matter to a head and go to Plan B? If the latter, have you accomplished your Plan A, by showing your WH what your new M could be like? Have you stopped LB, fed his EN's, given him a positive picture of you to take with him?

So what do you think? Is it time for Plan B? And if you say yes, are you also ready to live with the consequences - i.e. that you might never get back together with your WH again?

Sorry I can't give you any answers, only more questions. But in the end only you know what you should do.

Take care. Keep posting - there are a lot of people out here who will help you.

<small>[ December 15, 2002, 06:20 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

ljlingerie
A good point to remember is that the time for Plan B is before you drain your lovebank. Of course it means that you will need to live with the consequences that you might never get back together with your H. But you also need to face up to the fact that you will lose your love for H if your situation goes on too long. Go to Plan B before that happens. If things continually improve in Plan A then you may not need Plan B.

SH94 - Thank you for the reply. I can understand what you are saying about WS waiting for me to make the decision. Each time he mentions a divorce, he says "If this is what YOU want," or "Is this what YOU really want?". I think he wants me to make the decision so that he will not be the guilty party. Each time I tell him that I am committed to our marriage and have agreed to work on the marriage. He has yet to say that he wants to rebuild the marriage.

I would say that lately I have not been doing a good job on my Plan A. I think with Christmas approaching, things a getting so tough emotionally. I need for him to be here this time of the year to watch the kids so that I can shop for Christmas presents for the kids. I don't see how he can live with himself knowing that this will be his son's first Christmas and he doesn't seem to care. All he cares about is spending time with the OW. His children could be dead and he wouldn't even notice.

I am not ready for Plan B because I know that I did not do Plan A to the best of my ability. He has noticed a change in me but each time I had an angry outburst, he threw it in my face and said, "This is why I want a Divorce". It kind of seems a waste when you work so hard and them mess up once in a month's time and you are back to square one. I would like to work on his EN but he will not let me. Should I try to work on them anyway? He said he would like more affection (i.e. More kisses and hugs) on his EN questionnaire but he also tells me that he does not want to be affectionate with me. What should I do…just ignore him or hug and kiss him? I am confused. When I talk to him, he says that everything I am saying is nasty, no matter what I say. Sometimes I think I should just ignore him and say nothing. I don’t know how to act.

Newsunrise – Thanks for the comment, I will keep this in mind. There are days when I feel that my Love Bank is depleted but WS manages to make a few deposits and keep the bank above 0.

ljlingerie
Your H is giving you "fog babble" making out that everything you say is nasty etc. Most BS's get this treatment.
Orchid is the MB expert on Fog talk. Look her up or try to find her posts on dealing with the fog they are excellent.
NS

You said:
"I am not ready for Plan B because I know that I did not do Plan A to the best of my ability."
I guess that gives you your best answer. As much as we can tell you our experiences, you know you're the only one who can make decisions for you.

I spent one solid month (all of Sept) doing a fairly good Plan A. Yes, I still LB'd occasionally. But I found it actually got easier not to LB the longer I didn't do it - it became a habit to use MB principles the longer I continued to think about them & use them. As to feeding WH's EN's... my WH didn't want any physical contact either. So I didn't press him. Instead I gave him other things that I could tell he liked but which didn't "offend" him. Things like complimenting him, having interesting conversations, doing stuff he enjoyed, making our apartment more homey & inviting. And occasionally I'd offer to have sex and he'd occasionally accept.

After that one month, my WH said he noticed the changes and asked me how I'd achieved it. He said "you know, you've come so far and seem so at peace with yourself. and I'm still right where I started from." and he seemed so sad about that.

I actually continued another month (all through Oct) with a good Plan A. Mainly that was because I told myself I would continue Plan A until Oct 31st, a deadline I had set for myself back in Sept. But inside myself, I knew I'd achieved all I could even before then. My WH's comments only reinforced that belief.

Here's a challenge for you: set yourself a deadline. Say a month from now, or whatever seems right to you. Then do the best darn Plan A ever. Then see where you are when you get to that point. Maybe you'll decide to go another month. Or maybe you won't. You can decide then.

I sure hope the best for you. It's awfully hard isn't it? In some ways I'm glad it's over for me - I don't have to go through the agony of worrying & wondering what's going on any more.

Take care.

<small>[ December 17, 2002, 04:49 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's awfully hard isn't it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is hard. Sometimes, I don't want to even wake up. Of course with 4 children, I know that will never happen. I survive daily for my children and for myself. I see the pain and hurt in my children's eyes...and yet my husband does not see it. I guess that is why he comes home to sleep and then leave in the morning for work...he does not have to deal with the pain.

I am going to start with a solid plan A and have set a deadline. From there I know what I have to do. It is not fair that he live the single party life during the week while I am struggling with the house and kids all week. Then he spends a few hours with the kids on the weekend and feels that his fatherly duty has been fulfilled.

Christmas season intensifies the pain. This will be my son's first Christmas and it should be special. I spoke to my husband today about the pine needles I found in his car. He bought a wreath for the OW. We don't have one on our door and the tree is not up. He said "Well, you usually take care of all that". and he also said that was all the OW had...like he was feeling sorry for her. What about feeling sorry for the family that loves you?

I hope that I will be able to come to a decision as you have and be at peace with myself. On certain days I think I have the answer and then when I wake up the next morning, it is not the right answer. One day, maybe I will wake up and still say it is the right answer and then I will be at peace.