Long Story:

My husband is sleeping with a woman he works with- his employee, actually. I think he is in love with her.

We have been married for 6 years, we have a 3 year old son and I thought we had a pretty good relationship. For the last 3 years, though, I have not been "in the mood"...we have sex about once every 6 weeks...(I had no idea- he had to tell me that.) He expressed his discontentment with the situation many times- he even joked once that I was sending him out into the world with a loaded gun- I thought he was kidding. I know you will all say I am not to blame, that he made the choice to have the affair...but he warned me! I didn't want to see that it was a problem! I don't know why my sex drive has gone away- he's a handsome man, and I love him, and we have fun together...but thats another story.

So this other woman- I've met her, and she's 10 years younger than me, and pretty and nice and she is in the same line of work as my husband (which I find so dull) AND she golfs, and I think it's the stupedest sport ever...he golfs 3 days a week, and works 50-60 hours a week- so I dont see him very often- and she sees him all the time!!!

I found out when a friend called and said she had seen them together at a mall...she was about to say hello to what she thought was "us" only to find it was another brunette, that looked like me even!!!

I am so scared he will leave me for her!!! They have everything in common and we have less and less!! He is a wonderful father, and has been a wonderful husband until recently. He told me the other day that our problems have nothing to do with her- that even if he had never met her he would be looking around for SOMEONE! He says he loves me though, but he cannot live the rest of his life like this. He thinks we were always sexually incompatible, but he loved me so much, and he says I was such a wonderful person (and I told him before we got married that I was having trouble being open with him sexually because I wanted a commitment, but that it would be better when we got married...and it was, for a while...)

I dont know what to do- can someone help me? I dont want to lose him, but I feel like he's already gone.

dear caterina- first of all---breathe. i have been exactly where you are. it is so difficult and painfull, im sorry you are going through this.

you have to start reading everything you can on this site. get the books "surviving an affair" by dr. harley, and also his needs her needs. read all you can and learn. don't do anything drastic in this frame of mind. talk to all of us, hopefully we can help.

Katerina --

I too am so very sorry you're going through this. I'll second Nikko's thoughts and add that the odds say:

A) H is NOT in love with OW. She may be meeting several of his EN's but love? Nope! He possibly may think he is (one of the common characteristics of The Fog) but it is NOT the case.

B) H is NOT "gone already," even though you're afraid of that happening and it may seem that way to you. You two have a significant history with your six-year marriage and son and that's being threatened right now with his A, but it is all salvageable, every speck.

C) You're absolutely right: "you will all say I am not to blame, that he made the choice to have the affair." I will say that...and a terribly poor choice it is, for you, for your family, and even for him. You were warned? Sorry, it doesn't work that way. You are NOT at fault here, his inability to identify and address his "needs" in an appropriate way is what's at fault--it's called "selfish" and "disrespectful" and "stupid."

D) Seems as though some of the problems in your relationship surfaced even before you were married, and perhaps didn't get worked on back then. Problems are often like time-bombs, ticking away just out of sight, ready to explode and injure and cripple at any second...

But they're out now, right in front of both of you, and as such can be seen and acknowledged and set about repairing and restoring. Better the devil you can see than the one of which you know nothing.

Of course you're frightened and feeling alone in this, but that's what we're here for. Also, may I suggest some personal counseling for yourself? You need a support network to help you through this. It could be a long road with many tears and uncertainties, but recovery and restoration is possible (and desireable, in my book). Post anytime, Katerina, even if it's just to vent or rant or cry. We will help you all we can.

Ammon

while it is true that it was his choice to have the A ,you acknowledged the fact that he did present his problem to you prior to the A.and this is the case in most marriages.one has a problem and the other doesn't see it.untl its too late.so now you know what his needs and wants are...what are you going to do about it.i'm not saying grab a golf club and join in,but you could go along and keep score,cheer him on or just be there.you could show some interest inhim sexually,you say his carear is boring,just to you .to him its what he likes.
so now you have your own choices to make.he said he cant go on the way things are.the first thing you have to do is win his love back.then you work on the recovery part.and this will all take time.he wont see a diference in you over night.
right now your husband is starving for attention.he is drawn to the one that offers it.so offer it!and dont stop offering it!and once you have his attention,offer more!

Katerina you've been given good advise by the other folks and I would like to suggest that you post this message in the General Questions II board because it can add to the number of people offering you more advise.

You are not alone, we are all here to help one another.

Thank you all so much for your advice...I feel suddenly like I am NOT alone!! At least on the internet. This morning before he went golfing we had a talk. He is so angry. He said it was his happily ever after, too, and he is sad and upset that it is falling apart. He said he has lived his whole life for other people, making others happy (and that is very true in regards to his own family) and that he does not feel he should have to be the one making all the sacrifices. I have been trying to innitiate sex the last couple of weeks- he told me this morning that with all of the rejection, with wanting him only to have sex when I was ovulating for the last 3 years, that I've killed it. His desire for me is gone. I asked him "How can I get it back!?" and he said he was running late.

He has been to a shrink twice now in the last week. Even though Nikko doesn't think so, I really do believe he is inlove with this woman and that he wants to leave me, and marry her. He is so glum at home, and I catch him calling her and instant messaging her all the time. He said she doesn't work at the office anymore, but when I have driven by- her car is there. And if he is that unhappy, it is making me unhappy too- I don't want to be the cause of his unhappiness. Did I also mention that we can't have any more kids, and that he has always wanted a big family? Well, certainly she could have more kids for him and maybe that is what he wants. I think he feels like our whole life has been waiting for promises to be delivered and in his mind they never were- which makes the whole thing a lie.

I just don't know what to do- I was going to grow old with this man, and now it seems like I am going to be a 37 year old single mom, while the man I love is off having fun and a new family with another woman. What do I do?!?!

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.