Since finding out about my wife's affair at the end of September, I have done just about everything I can think of to locate the OM. My wife claims that he contacted her via her pager, which I now possess, and that she has no way of knowing where the OM lives or how to contact him. I have spent hours driving all over our town in an effort to find vehicles that resemble his. I have knocked on doors whenever I found a vehicle that resembled his parked in a driveway. Despite all of my effort, I have not had any luck finding the OM though. I am considering using a local private investigator in hopes that I can obtain the OM's phone number and address. I want to tell his wife what he did with my wife and let him experience a taste of the pain that I have had to endure. I want to beat him like a dog and I want him to suffer like he never has before. Am I asking too much???

Hello and Welcome to MB

First of all I know you are in a great deal of pain. Betrayal cuts like a knife dipped in salt to an open wound.

Please come here for support and guidance and especially when you feel like this. Are you in any counseling, you really need to get a good counselor to help you with this. No one can do this alone. It's too much.

Im a FWS, probably the last person you want to hear from. I too had an affair (EA) with another man. My husband and I have been in recovery nearly 3 years and doing good even on our worst days of recovery. I want you to try and take a deep breath. Chasing all over town for the OM is neither healthy nor smart. You have to let that go and concentrate on what you can do to save your marriage.

Please focus on YOU and your WIFE and how you are going to save this relationship. Get into counseling, read the great info on the site, try your best to focus your attention in that direction.

I know you feel that you want to destroy this other mans life but he will get his okay, that is not up to you to handle, leave that to God. Trust me on that one.

Please let me know if I can offer you any help.
Please read this site, its extremely useful and there are lots of great people here to help you.

You might want to copy and paste your posting in two other forums. General Questions and Recovery. You will get many great responses there too as more people seem to be in those forums. Good luck my friend

Zoey

<small>[ December 14, 2002, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Are you asking too much? Yes, and you're putting your energy into the wrong thing.

Assuming you want to save your marriage, you should put your efforts into figuring out what went wrong in your marriage before OM was even an issue. He's not the problem, he's just a symptom.

He's not the problem. You and your wife are. He just happened to be available and willing when your wife was vulnerable. He may have even been the aggressor, but it doesn't matter who chased whom. Your helped set the stage and you gotta figure out what your contribution was and fix it.

That said, we understand your rage and pain. At some (or many) point(s), all BSs want to seek out and take revenge on the OP. This is a normal reaction. But I'm telling you that it's misplaced attention.

Understand?

I did that. Wasn't pretty either, but I feel I was in a fog of my own at the time, fueled by pain and anger. It had to go somewhere so I gave it to OM(best friend my [censored])!

I understand the pain you are going through since it happened to me a long time ago. I know in your case you contracted an std from your wife. I think you anger may be a little misplaced. My ex and your wife were not drugged and forced against their will to engage in these affairs. They did it willingly. The anger is misplaced. I too hated the OM but my therapist asked me to focus on where the pain originated.
I have moved on and years later found someone I truly love and above all respect. The point I am getting at is that nothing will be accomplished hurting the OM except you will go to jail and your life will be destroyed. Your wife cheated on you because she wished to cheat on you. She is the problem and not the OM. I wish you luck.

I would bet your wifes lying, she knows exactly how to reach him any time of the day, always has. "Remember" your wife can lie to you better and easier then any person on the planet. Think back on some good times you had with your wife when the affair was going on. You probably had no idea she was having sex with him while laughing and playing with you at the same time (freeky isnt it?). In finding him you need to go through your wife.

Might want to make sure the OM knew your cheating wife was married before you kick the crap outa him. It's really not fair if he didnt know to hurt him physicaly, but if hes married you should tell his wife what kind of a person her husband is.

All BS's should know what kind of moraly sick people they have trusted and given their lives to.

Forgot to add, it may or may not be worth it going to jail, all depends on your beliefs. People are not all the same, some people need to deal with betrayal differently then others. Who has the right to say what is right and wrong?

My cheating wife didnt tell the OM she was married so i had no real cause to hurt him, but he did contact my wife after it was over and i found out about everything. I spent weeks debating if jail was worth breaking his arms and legs over contacting my wife. I decided it was better not to meet him.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

well i wouldn't encourage seeking him out and kicking the crap out of him but i do feel you need to know who he is.as for your wife saying she doen't know how to contact him....dont really buy that.to much of a mystery there.she knows!
my reason for you needing to know is simple.how do you know its over.you dont even know who he is.he could be just about anyone.i know my ww's om's name ,address,ph# ,where he works,what he drives.what i dont know is what he looks like.that bothers me.i could pass him in a store and never know it.i guess some days that is good.but i'v moved our family 1000miles away from where it happened.if i knew what he looked like and saw him one day in the new area i'd know something was up.
back to your wife saying she doesn't know....so how did she meet him.he just paged her and....what?
if you know his name look on the inner net white pages.its pretty up to date.just dont go and do anything dumb.hurting him wont end your pain.and if you have any intention of saving your marriage going after him will just drive your wife away.going after him would be just as pointless and destructive as your wifes affair.

Thank you for your replies to my post. Based upon your replies, it seems as though I should place all of my energy into rebuilding my marriage. Being that I am ex-military, I believe that I would face murder charges if I were to confront the OM. I choose to let God sort this matter out, as I am too emotional to do so at this time

MFisher
Im so glad you have chosen to let God take care of the OM. You take care of yourself and your wife.

Blessings to you
Zoey

Let me put it to you this way, if you decide to follow through with your plan of hurting him (which I don't agree with), that is nothing compared to the pain that will befall him. You should not be the instrument. Let God take care of him or if you don't believe in God, let his karma take care of it.

None of us leaves this world without paying our debts unless we sincerely repent and give our lives to Jesus. When the OM pays back this debt it will probably be worse than what you are feeling right now. But remember that Jesus loves us all and we are all sinners. Love the sinner not the sin. I am not asking you to love the OM, all I'm saying is don't waste your time thinking about him. That obsession will only consume you.

My best advice right now echoes what everybody else is saying work on your M, love your W but detest what she did. Yes, emotionally you are below the pits (I know the feeling too well) but you will heal. Do not make any major decisions at this time, you may regret them.

Be well and be strong.

I Can honestly say that after years of not knowing, then finding out about OW, he helped me find her.It had been 18 yrs. After I talked to her several times by phone because she was across the country, I felt sorry for her. Her life had been one mess after another, her kids born many ills and problems, drugs, cancers, etc. She said herself nobody ever cared as much for her as I had because we were getting ready to celecrate 25 yrs together. She sais quote" I was never worth it to anyone". So you see, she has paid for the pain caused to me. She was a slut with every man that would look at her or buy her a beer. Hurt many other wives I'm sure. But in the end, she has paid for it many times and is still hurting and unhappy over her many marriages that failed. Now, we come to the second one just last year. After hearing her story from him, her marriage a mess, they lost a fortune, and her H spent a year in fed prison, I think she has plenty coming down on her from here on in. But yes, I would have loved to beat her face in! Only problem is she outweighs me by about 100 lbs. LOL So she might have fallen on me and I'd be crushed. I did talk with her and she said her marriage had been on the rocks for years. No sex at all. And she couldn't perform totally with mine. So she's got her embarrassment, shame and guilt to live with. Well, maybe not guilt as she seemed to just shine it all off as a fantasy. Never once admitting the pain she helped inflict or even apologizing. And she knew he was married. She knew him from High school back in 1958! And they had not seen each other in all this time. So he got quite an awakening as well after flying across many states to see her and being stuck with the whale blubber for a week. LOL Beleive, God does see justice done. LIfe isn't fair, but God is just! The OM will get his in due time. God bless and just keep on healing and working on the Marriage. LouLou

It's nice to see you trust God and all but is God going to keep the OM from contacting your wife? or your wife from contacting the OM?
Howe will you ever know you wife isnt cheating on you again?

God isnt going to help you with these kinds of problems, im not being anti-religious just realistic. You need to atleast know who the OM is, is it a old friend a business partner?

Maybe the OM has a wife that hes cheating on and needs to know. Just some things that may need sorting out before any healing can be made.