I have recently found this BB and am amazed at the amount of helpfull information posted here.

My history is I am 38 married ( 17 yrs) we have four kids + a fosterchild and my Husband has just ended a yr long affair. I discovered the affair by a number of unusual coincidences, finishing with the oc ( other cows ) husband contacting me.

I guess you all know the pain and suffering I have been and still going through. Many posts here brought tears to my eyes.I had up until this point felt very much alone.. I now know I am not.

I am still quite new to this...we are in councelling. I know my husband is sorry. I know my husband loves me. Our councellor was right when she said this would be the hardest thing i would ever have to do. My husband in all honesty is being very patient with my outbursts, my ups and downs and my indifference towards him , when he approaches me. He is working hard to help rebuild my trust for him. Maybe i am punishing him.. I dont know.

I guess our main problem is I am just stuck , that I feel I have been such a fool for so long. I even read a post here about how ws will worry about bad breath....I recall mid this yr him asking me to pick him up some mints and mouthwash!

About 5 months ago, I was seriously tiring of his late nights, his anger, and his lack of interest in our family. I spoke to him and made it clear, If he was unhappy in our marriage, he should simply go,and stop making the rest of us miserable. He begged for forgiveness that he was under a lot of stress at work. I believed him . Weight soon started to drop off him. As it turns out now he started to stress badly when OW left its H.( september)

Anyhows well the truth finally came out with a visit from OW's Husband ( though I guess I will never know the whole truth) I left him, I even left the children with him.My parting comments being...10 children and two [censored], should make for a happy happy house. ( OW has 5 children.)
..honestly I dont think he ever looked at it like that.
I am home now and struggling to keep a reign on my emotions.

Though I am glad I found this place to help me find some peace.

As odd as it sounds this feels pretty good to get it off my chest to a bunch of strangers!

Thanks for letting me do that:)

Dinotopia --

No, you are not alone here. Welcome to MB. We will help you all we can to get through this. Almost all of us on this board are hurting and it's virtually a given that betrayal and infidelity are the root causes. We are here for each other and, while I'm sorry you've had to join us, I am glad you've found your way here. Btw, "Strangers are only friends you haven't met yet."
You have a significant history at 17 years and five children, certainly worth preserving and finding a pathway through this messy maze. I'm very thankful that you're in counseling and are getting some professional help. We're here also for you anytime so post away.

It must have been very hard for you to reach your saturation point and have to leave your home and your children. How long were you gone? Did you maintain contact with H and your children? I'm glad you're back; I'm sure your children missed you (maybe H too).

It's good that he's being patient with you. You've been kicked in the head and heart with tremendous force. Recovery and healing will take a long time and much effort on both your parts; patience is a necessary component of the process. It's wonderful that "he is working hard to help rebuild my trust for him." He's got to be willing to sit with you anytime you need it and give you whatever you need to help you heal, answer any questions fully, provide any details (even stuff that he may not want to discuss), discuss any facet of this. No holding back here.

You are not "a fool" with any of this. This is not your doing. He's made some very poor choices and now has to beg your forgiveness and earn back the trust you used to have in him. You trusted him completely and that faith was betrayed. So you're not the fool; he is. Sounds like you're pretty normal with your reactions and ups-and-downs.

I'm encouraged by what you've said about H's involvement in your pain. It seems that there's a decent chance for recovery here. Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you and we care...

Ammon

Hi Ammon and thanks for your reply.

I honestly have no idea why I did walk out on my children , I was at wits end. The day I found out about the lengh and depth of His A, I had just sent him roses, he had told me that day how he was 100% commited to me and our children and marriage. He had told me how much he loved me. What he didnt say was that he was off to work that morning to call her. ( I found this out by OW's H)

I dont carry the memory well of those first few weeks..it was like a blur, I just got it into my head , I could not support them financially or emotionally in the state I was in. As it turned out I had to be the storm trooper for the children in the end as My H, did not cope at all.Infact he has just returned to work after 6 weeks leave. Before I came home though, I wanted to make sure it wasnt for the children .. we went away for a week and tried to begin building those blocks again. It went OK, but now I seem to be trying to figure out his behaviour over the last yr..That is probably a no no.

I feel very insecure, even with his constant reassurances.I guess again what I am feeling is normal....

All in all our marriage councellor believes we have the making for a very strong relationship in the future. My husband also believes that.I am just stuck at recommitting again to what hes proven to be, a very dishonest man and me being played the fool by him. These feeling I am having now have just surfaced, and they scare me. I know I love him, but there is an underlying currant trying to swing me the other way.

Again , thanks for your reply.

Dinotopia --

What you're feeling about him and about your relationship is completely normal, even with his reassurances. How could things for you be otherwise? You have suffered a terrible emotional (almost physical) injury and your system needs to have time to recover, as does your marriage. It's a process requiring your commitment and patience and love--his too of course. Rebuilding trust is probably the element in this that's going to take the longest time and the most dedication. No quick fixes here, but very doable.
Maybe it's a blessing that your memories of those first few weeks are blurry; who wants to relive that? Very good that you two could get away for a week on your own and I'm glad that it went OK. Your insecurities easily could be a part of things for a long time, maybe years, maybe always, but they will lessen with time and the increased warmth and security in your relationship.

I agree with your counselor about the prospects and prognosis. You say that you are "stuck at recommitting again to what he's proven to be, a very dishonest man." Again, perfectly normal and completely understandable. Somewhere along the line you're going to want to, need to, forgive your H for this, all of this. You're going to want to let go of this so you and H can move forward and not be spinning wheels. You're not there yet, and frankly you shouldn't be--way too early. But eventually... Otherwise, it's perched on your shoulder like the albatross and affecting everything, always that underlying current. Forgiving him is for you.

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm around if you want to bounce around some more thoughts. I think you're exactly where you need to be with this-- exactly. Your feelings and emotions and doubts are going to have these mood-swings. Be prepared for them and they won't scare you as much. You're in the right place, Dino...

Ammon

bounce round some more thoughts?.. its actually like a constant game of squash going on in my head.
One thing I am very confused about is the fact... we spoke a few nights ago. ( we have been setting times aside to talk about the affair, other times are an absolute no no) I said that I also have to take some responsibilty for what led to this affair. ( I have read this everywhere, even spoken to our MC about it) He became quite upset at me and told me it was all his doing. I was never to lay any part of the blame onto myself.
YET that seems to go against everything. He was very sure in his response to me. So yeah I am confused.

His family history is quite a colourful one. We both broke contact with them a number of yrs ago. At the beginning of 2001 he made contact and as sure as the sun gets up to shine every morning, his behaviour began to wane. As it turns out OW was his brothers friend, he covered for them. Our councellor explains that because his family has no boundaries or loyalities, it was only a matter of time before he got into old habits again with them. So maybe I am not to blame, I could not keep him away from his family ( I still chose to keep my distance) I just dont know.

My husband completly agrees with our MC representation of his values slipping when in contact with his family, yet she gave me the book .. After the Affair...and it clearly states in there somewhere I somehow contributed, maybe I should have put my foot down and tried to keep him away from his family. If his family is really the problem I dont know.

I know I have always been honest with him, I know I am a good mother. our sex life has always been great ( actually even better now...how odd is that?)I am just confused about this point.

Dino --

My thoughts on assigning blame for an A:

No matter how bad things get in one's marriage, there is NEVER sufficient justification to CHOOSE to have an affair. It's always the poor choice, the weak choice, the foolish choice, the most harmful and devastating choice. But you didn't make him have an A; he did it all by himself. You are NOT responsible for his poor choices.

That being said, something in the climate of your relationship, something in the air, allowed him to say, "this is the way to fix things, at least for me." Something wasn't operating well for him and this was his solution.

I think what your book means is that these climates are never solely one-sided, that the BS has missed or ignored opportunities or signals from the WS that everything wasn't peaches and cream.

Hindsight is 20-20 and it would have meant that you could have detected and corrected things which by themselves easily could have been insignificant. Did you "contribute" to this A?--No! To the climate which caused it?--who knows? But you're only human and if you knew then what you know now, you might--might--have felt something in the wind.
Bottom line: You didn't do this; he did! While it's good that he wants to accept complete responsibility for his actions (yes!), you will want to explore this "A climate" idea with your MC, valuable for both of you. What did she say when you brought it up?

There are too many variables ("if his family is the problem") in the mix to try to assign percentages of blame. Better to spend your time figuring out this puzzle together. You could spend the next year trying to analyze and second-guess this thing yourself--let your MC do that job with you, that's what you're paying her for! I think it's very wise for you to be looking at all sides to this, not just the obvious ones...could you have done something to prevent this? Healthy introspection!

So you're a squash player! I continue to see solid positives for you both. I'm very encouraged by your last paragraph: being honest with him, being a good mother, better-than-normal sex life = all good and vitally important pieces of this very complex situation. Hang in there, Dino, and please keep me updated on this. I'm a good listener...

Ammon

I read your post and had to laugh... I found listermint strips in my h's truck while he was having an affair. I thought it was odd at the time... little did I know. However, I saw your reply to another post that you had actually spoken to the OW. I was wondering if you thought that helped. My husband refuses to tell me who she is other than a co-worker, he doesn't want me to ruin someone else's marriage(she's married with 2 kids... I was pregnant with our first during the affair) I think it would help me so much, I don't even know what I would tell her. My H threatens that if I did anything to find out who she was or contact her that he couldn't forgive me... but I almost think it's worth it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I even read a post here about how ws will worry about bad breath....I recall mid this yr him asking me to pick him up some mints and mouthwash!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read your post and had to laugh... I found listermint strips in my h's truck while he was having an affair. I thought it was odd at the time... little did I know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you say Ouch!

I can't say I laughed when I read this but it sure was a trigger for me. My hopefully FWW confessed to seeing a OM for conversation, laughter and companionship but assured me it was only emotional. Well not really, just called him a close friend.

But reading that made me remember the breathmints and gum that began to appear in her truck back in early May. It makes me wonder if their friendship may have been more than just emotional and that hurts, again. Geez, I hate triggers that make me think!

Hiya Trey,

Yes it did help me to speak my voice to her. I had thought long and hard about what I was going to say and make it very clear that what they did was wrong. I am generally not a shy person and I like what I have to say to be heard, there was no way it was going to get a word in edge ways till I had finished and when I had finished there was a long silence ( I guess it was taking it in) then spewed forth the crap , a bucket load of it. As I said in my other post she did my marriage a great favour that evening.

Seeing the look on my husbands face at its response made me feel a hell of a lot better.Our marriage I would dare say started its real recovery that night.

I have to say I am a litle set back by your husband saying you would ruin another marriage by speaking with her, seems to me they have done a good job of that themselves.

Over the last few weeks since I posted here, I have done myself a great favour by reading reading and reading, everything I can get my hands on about affairs.

Ammon , who responded to me here when I was in the dark and petrified of my future gave me some very important insight into what was happening around me.For that I thank him for. It set me on my path to rebuild our marriage. Please re-read his posts. As I have read another of your posts, others may disagree with my bluntness here, but your husband seems to be shoving blame into your court... it was his choice to do this , not yours.

Trusting, apologies for the trigger effect, when I first read about the breathe mints it cut into my me like a jaggered knife.Still does ( we are still in very early days of rebuilding our marriage.) He too himself was shocked to read of it. He's actually quite shocked wayward spouses seem to act like a bunch of kindred lemmings in their behaviour during and after the discovery of the affair.

Dinotopia --

I had lost track of you there for awhile; I'm very glad we've reconnected.

Thank you for your very kind words about my posts to you. You are very welcome for any help I was able to provide. We are on this board for each other and we learn and grow through these contacts and perspectives. I've learned from and grown through you; it's always a two-way street.

I am very happy to hear that the two of you are still travelling down the Recovery Road. Phoning the OW with H on the speakerphone was an immensely bold but ultimately valuable thing for you to do; valuable for you on a personal basis and wonderfully significant for your marriage, and you handled the call so very well too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's a long, meticulous, and careful road, this reconciliation thing, and needs to be; like setting the bone carefully and gently after a fracture, placing it in bandages and a sling and "favoring" it. But that assures that the recovery will "take" and will have the ability to withstand the occasional bump. If it's done right, it will withstand the normal and everyday jarring.

'Twas a nice New Year's present for me to read your post of yesterday. You have my very best wishes that your relationship will grow and strengthen in the coming months and that you and H and your whole family ultimately will benefit from this experience. We grow the most from our pain. BTW, I love your expression, "a bunch of kindred lemmings" -- doesn't that sum it all up! Hang in there, Dino, you CAN do this!

Ammon

Hi Dinotopia,

Thanks for the input!!! I'm glad someone feels the same way I do... the people I've talked to including the MC, didn't seem to think it would do any good to talk to the OW or for that matter find out all details of affair...they kept saying try to move on, you can't keep reliving the affair. Which in my mind I always do!!! I accept that part of the blame is on me... I traveled a great deal during the last year and half, I didn't do all I could to find another job so in a way, I put my career before my marriage. H doesn't put any of the blame for the A on me, but like Ammon stated, I did help create the climate and I know that was my fault. It seems that you and your H are really on the way to recovery and that's great!!! I really wish I had found this site sooner, I feel like we've made so many mistakes since I discovered the A.

I truly love my husband, and would like to raise my daughter w/ him... however, things like not telling me who she is and the fact that I caught him in a few lies after the affair. Like yourself, I don't want to be made a fool of and if it's not going to work out...let me go get over my broken heart and get on with my life. I've actually threatend (before I found this BB)that if he didn't tell me who she was, I was filing for a divorce and his answer was "I'm sorry". I feel like he's putting her before me, I know he loves me and I know he regrets that he hurt me... but marriages need a lot more than Love... Any more suggestions are greatly appreciated, like I said most people say finding out shouldn't be that important.

A very Happy New Year to you Ammon! I will be forever greatful for your insight. Thankyou again for your wishes for our relationship.

We have had some very high ups and some very low downs but the downs seem to be becoming fewer and fewer.My emotions seem to be levelling, instead of spiralling anywhich way. When we speak of the affair now, a hint of humour actually seems to creep in at times.(odd?) I know we still have a lifetime of work ahead of us and some rocky roads to pass. But you are right, we will do this! Besides... Making new memories can be a hell of a lot of fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All in all I am hoping for a bright 2003 for everyone. My New yrs resolution for me, simply being to be kinder to myself... that way I think I have all bases covered! I kissed the year 2002 away with such glee with my husband by my side, making a promise to each other that we will stand strong as one throughout the coming year and those that follow.

Trey,

Please dont misunderstand my need to speak with this other person as a way of finding her side of the affair and what went on. I would find that very destructive. I just had to tell her she was wrong, They both were wrong. Thats all it came down to. I wanted no information from her.

Thanks also for your wishes, I am also wishing you well. By the way , I think if both parties are willing to try, love is enough, more than enough to rebuild the foundations of a strong and happy relationship.

Take care.