Well, here's the latest. H finally called me yesterday afternoon. First thing he said was that he missed me. He sounded more upbeat than I've heard him in a long time. He has a job!! But, it's down there (200 miles away) and close to where OW lives. He wanted to know what's been going on with me. I casually mentioned that I got home late one evening, after dark. He said, "Oh, what time?" I told him 06:00 or 06:30. I could tell he wanted to ask where I was & what I did, but he didn't. At every opportunity, I am interjecting a bit of subtle mystery. I want him to wonder what I am up to. He gave me his new telephone number & wanted to be sure I had his correct address. He wanted to know when I was flying out for Christmas. He told me he would call me again today. At the end of the conversation, he said, "Love you, baby." First time in many, many months that I've heard those words. I have decided I am NOT reaching out to him. He's going to have to win me back. Sometimes, I wonder, if by interacting with him, I am enabling him to continue his fence sitting? He has not mentioned OW, and I will not ask.

Sidney the Mystery Woman! <P>My H is home, and he has some question as to what I may have done during the last separation (had coffee with a man--several times). I told H that he was the one who left and I had every expectation that I needed to build myself & the kids a new life since he didn't seem to want to be part of our family (I probably didn't say it that coherantly ). <P>It put a bee in his bonnet. I do not know if that was a good or bad thing at this point, even if he did move home. Moving home for the wrong reasons creates problems as well. Mystery isn't something you want to keep up in a committed marriage. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

sidney,<P>Correct me if I am wrong...<BR>Aren't you on a strict <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?<P>If you are... other than jottting down his new address/telephone/etc. ... there should have been <B>no more discussons</B>...<P>Fill me in if you're not in a hardcore <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>Jim

Lor,<BR>You're absolutely right. Mystery is not good in a committed relationship. However, that's the problem. He hasn't recommitted. Other than a few subtle hints. Actions speak louder than words, in my book. To be honest I hate this. In a way, it's dishonest, and I am an honest person.<P>Jim,<BR>My situation changes faster than the weather here in Texas. Last Wednesday, I was one step away from the Plan B letter. Then, a knock at the door, & he weasels his way back in, & tells me stuff he has never said before, like "he thinks about me constantly", "we're going to work our way through this", "his addiction to OW is lessening" etc. At this point, I'm not sure that Plan B would help matters. He's signed a 6 month lease, & I don't want him coming back before he is "ready". If I completely cut him off, I'm afraid that would push him further towards OW. It's so hard to know what to do. Right now, I guess it's a modified Plan B. I talk to him, but I'm not going out of my way to contact him. Actually, I'm not at all. I've heard that either you're in Plan B or you're not, so I guess this bothers me. Anyway, Genie advised me to hold off on the letter, for now. <BR>

Sidney,<P>Be careful with the mystery theme. As a man, I would say that the one thing he shouldn't feel is that you'll always be there for him to return to through some formula of his (e.g., showing up, saying all the right things, etc.). You want to make it clear, and follow-through, that there is a limit. If he really believes this, he will show his love for you - he won't have a choice because his heart will react to the sense of urgency, not his mind. If he doesn't react in this way (starting courting over, doing anything possible to get back with you, etc.) then perhaps are too deeply buried for the moment, and that moment when it comes may be too long for you to wait. Only you can know.<P>Sounds to me like he does miss you, and may be trying to establish normal tendencies to the relationship for a distance. My personal opinion is that being aloof (but keeping your goal of reconsiling the marriage clearly in mind) is probably very healthy at this point. But, purposely creating mysteries to lure him could backfire.

Hi, Sidney. It's the time of year for all sorts of mysteries, huh?<P>I think you did just fine. Since you haven't "officially" begun Plan B, I guess you're still in Plan A. So, you can be as nice as you can.<P>That little bit of mystery shouldn't hurt. I think that if he asked, you definitely should answer honestly, but hey, he didn't. And I don't think a little thing like that is a bad thing at all.<P>Hang in there, Sidney. <P>Lori

sidney,<P>You are in the same boat as me...<sigh><P>What to do????? I wish I knew the answer, and I would surely share it with you.<P>I have questioned myslef about the enabling. Yes, we really are enabling. But, I don't know if our H's need that right now or not.<P>I am doing Steve Harley's recommendations right now.But, honestly, H has to start to move off the dime, too. I am still hopeful based on Monday night, but after Christmas, i think I need to SEE some actions on his part. I need more than some empty I love yous and some kisses, and then off he trots to sleep with that wh@re! Sorry, I HAD to say that! Too much wine at the Christmas dinner <P>I do think you have a bit of an advantage here - he is moved away. I think that will acceleraate his missing you alot more than my H who pops in every week or so. He gets to see me, even though we don't really spend time together. Your H will now begin to feel some of the consequences of his choice to move by the OW - POOR CHOICE <P>Praying for you!!!!! <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Sam- yes, I agree with you in that I am trying to get across to him that I won't always be here for him. I truly feel that if he thinks I'm just sitting here pining away & waiting for him to make up his mind, that he will not have any respect for me. And, no doubt, this will happen again. So, the mystery thing I mention is not contrived. In other words, I'm not 'making anything up'. It's all true. It's my way of sending the subtle message that I'm moving forward, & deserve more than to be treated like a doormat.<P>Lori- thanks. Yes, you are right. Since I am not in Plan B, then it's Plan A. It's one or the other. But, it's a different Plan A than before. I'm nice, pleasant, upbeat, but I'm not bending over backwards, and taking any initiative. I talk to him if HE calls me. Last time we were together, I hugged him only when he hugged me. I am distancing myself. Not intentionally. But, as a means of self defense. I'm honest with any questions he asks, but I don't volunteer any information.<P>Desiree- yes, the same boat. Maybe the Titanic, perhaps? So far, the same patterns. He was only gone a week, then popped back in. Threw me a few crumbs of hope, then back to the wh@re, as you say. I think the only way to save our sanity, is to begin distancing ourselves. Make ourselves less and less available. I'll keep you posted on my progress, or lack of. Thanks for the prayers.

Sidney, <BR>I feel the same as you.....it is difficult to go to a complete Plan B for me when I do see some signs he MAY be coming around. I have written the letter, I have not contactedhim in any way, but when he does contact me, he is pleasant and has initiated a few contacts that make me feel he is falling off that fence! Last night, my D had her 16th BD party and I took her out for dinner with a group of her friends,She had asked that her Dad join us, and he did. Afterwards, he sat with me for a few minutes and then reached over and kissed me! What the h*** does that mean?? It is hard, but I do believe that if there is contact, it should be breif, to the topic(and that isn'y your marriage) until he really is ready to begin rebuilding your relationship. But it is hard, I know. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Susan- I know what you mean about seeing signs of improvement. H told me things last weekend, like 'his addiction is waning because he can't stop thinking about me', then he said 'we're going to work our way through this'. The first positive things he has said since this began. Do you think that an addiction can be overcome gradually? Is this a sign that the affair is running it's course? Or, is he simply stringing me along, so he can have his cake & eat it too? He has been calling me at work every day now. Our conversations are always enjoyable. I'm just in a quandry as to whether I should even talk to him. He has been making inquiries about a job that would probably involve a relocation. I feel like moving is going to be the only way we're going to get out from under this. I'm thinking perhaps because he is doing this, he wants to end the affair. This would obviously be the easiest way for him. I think he feels really guilty about the prospect of hurting OW. But, doesn't seem to have a problem with hurting me. Well, I can feel some resentment building, I'd better quit now.

Sidney, <BR>I, too, question the motives.....his affair is with a maried woman, who for two years has gone back and forth with my H. He is completely into he throes of this affair, and I feel he is very confused about what to do. I believe that if she were to leave her H, my H would go to her immediately. Would it last?, no, I do not think so, because of the distance and her mental state. But beause of his confusion, I cannot get sucked back up into anything till he is 200% sure it is over with her and is truly ready to commit to me and our family. That means I must see a positive track record form him. So far, it lasts two-three weeks, and he is back into it with her. So, for me, I will wait, but watch. And if he cannot commit to this marriage in full by Feb, I will end it. I have lost a lot of love and respect for him. Can I get it back? Yes, but until he ends this obsession, it will never happen. But the longer this goes on, the less I feel comitted. I must go on with my life as well. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Sidney,<BR>I believe things could be turning around for you. I never did a "REAL PLAN B" either, and I still would not make that move now either. But I think that a little mystery is a good thing but never lie!!!<BR>I would be encouraged but don't get overly encouraged, stay on course you know what they say....<P>Absence makes the heart grow fonder.<P>Genie

Susan,<BR>I know what you are saying. The longer this drags on, I fear it will just be that much harder to recover. What's going to be left? I am already becoming numb. I feel so worn down. This is like dying a slow death. Like you, I want my life back and to escape the jaws of hell. He's looking into a job that would involve a relocation. But, I am fearful that he will just drag the problem along. He had no problem carrying on a relationship when she was 200 miles away. Not much difference between that and a 1000 miles. I just see no indication that this will end any time soon. I feel hopeless.<P>Genie,<BR>Thanks for your encouragement. I am really down tonight. Got a note from my Dad, & he is livid that H is 'working my emotions'. Says if H really means what he says about caring about me he would end it with OW. It's hard to refute that logic! I know my family is hurting too. This sickness is so evil!

Sidney,<BR>Hope you are feeling better this morning. First, are you eating? I am up to 105 an expect you to keep up with me! I really empathize with you - there are so many variables with your H's move and maybe another relocation that it is almost impossible to sort it all out. I too had trouble envisioning any kind of solution once my H accepted a position somewhere else and a move was imminent.<P>But - don't give up hope yet. It can happen. For my H, knowing he was going to move away (and knowing that I refused to talk about moving with him until OW was out of the picture) helped him finally get the strength and courage to do what he had been considering for at least two months - to end the affair. (Remember - being 1000 miles away he will have neither you nor OW - this has to have him worried! If he asks you about help with the move or thinking about moving with him, I would advise setting a boundary that you would love to talk about it once OW relationship is over - until then - do not help him on this.) And yes it sucks that the affair has to die a natural death, and no you are not obligated to stick around and see if that happens. I agree that the longer it drags on, the harder it is to reconcile - but you haven't even tried plan B yet. If the emotional stress of seeing h gets too great, this is always an option for you. <P>From experience I can tell you that the three previous times my H ended the affair under pressure from me were followed by intense withdrawal on his part and did not last more than a few days. This time he really had time to be with OW and discovered on his own that the relationship could not last and decided - without me dictating the steps - to end the affair and return to me. I agree with Harley that had I not worked hard to let H know that I would be willing to rebuild the marriage, he would have not had the courage to return (but this can be accomplished under either plan A or B). Though we are only 2 weeks into this "recovery" it is a 180 from our previous attempts: withdrawal is less intense (before H could hardly get out of bed - this time though he has quiet moments he is not overwhelmed with depression), H is actively doing things to help me recover - trying to fill my emotional needs (previously he could not see beyond himself and his pain). In short - I really think it will work this time. (And even if it doesn't, I will have lost nothing and will be ready to move on - knowing I got the second chance on the marriage I have been working for all this past year.)<P>Try to hang in there Sidney. Your father is naturally angry and concerned about you - but if you can explain too him what your goals are and what you are trying to accomplish maybe he can give you some support. If not, you know you can always find support here.<P>Take care,<BR>Starpony<BR>

Oh, *Pony!!! Thank you so much. I reeeaally needed that. Last night was the first time I cried in a long time. I am so happy that you are finally in recovery. This brings me hope. I have felt that the main reason H moved closer to OW was because he knew he would have to see first hand that it wouldn't work, & had to get it 'out of his system' so to speak. I never felt that he ever intended to end it with me. Just like you went through, I've always known that if I tried to force the breakup, it would just backfire. It HAS to be his decision.<P>Yes, I'm eating. Up to a whopping 92# now!!<P>I've missed you *Pony. Please keep us updated. You are an inspiration!!

Allright girls, I am "up " to a healthy 165 lbs, so if either of you want some of mine, please help yourselves!! Seriously, we all need to take care of our bodies through all of this. <BR>Sidney, <BR>I fully understand where you are. I did talk to my H this AM, told me there would be no physical contact between us until he was ready to work on us, which means ending all contact with her, and I must see a period of time go by before I would trust again. But for me, Plan B was the only way to go. I had to get away from all the lies and pain. Even though I know they are still communicating and he has gone to see her, I feel more control over my life now. Pony is right, the longer it goes on, the harder recovery will be, but at least I know I did everything possible to save my marriage. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Thanks, Susan<P>I'm sort of in a Plan B, too, except H still calls the shots. He moved out on 12/1, but so far has shown up at my door unannounced, and called me every day this week except today. Probably didn't have time today as he was too busy getting ready for his hot weekend with OW. The last time I spoke with him over the phone he said something that gave me the impression he was not happy. I figure it won't be too long before he is unable to keep up the cheery facade with OW. Who wants to be around a grouch??? You know, the longer I am away from him the more I start to question whether I even want to reconcile. Do you ever feel that way?