I've been put an precarious position. Two years ago I was the OM in a 7 month affair. During my affair I confided in a good friend asking for advise. He remained loyal to me and told no one. I've had d-day a year ago and my wif and I are rebuilding. My friend who I confided in is now in a affair. He has come to me for advise and I've told him that he needs to learn from my mistakes and tell his wife before she finds out the way my wife did.

I'm feeling torn, as his friend I don't feel that I should tell his wife about the situation....however, my wife made it very clear that she wishes someone would have told her about my affair rather than finding out the way she did.

Should I tell him that I'll tell her if he doesn't?

Beemer

Beemer - I am sure this is a most uncomfortable situation for you, especially seeing as this friend was loyal to you during your A - however, you know how it feels now the dday has arrived, or more importantly you know how your BS feels...my opinion is your friend was wrong not to reveal your A and you will be wrong not to reveal his - i think giving him the option to tell himself is the way to go - tell him you are doing this because you care and because you have been there. every WS i know of, including me, would have given anything to have been told ahead of time instead of getting the sucker punch in the stomach when we were told by WS or find out for ourselves. if you lose this friend because of it, so be it - be the bigger person and tell.

Ditto that last post. The BS has a RIGHT to make an informed decision. I think that's a Dr. Phil mantra or something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my opinion is your friend was wrong not to reveal your A and you will be wrong not to reveal his </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Two wrongs don't make a right".

Dear Beemer,
Absolutely do not betray a confidence. Do as your friend asked, give advice. But betraying his confidence will make YOU untrustworthy to recieve confidences again!
Admittedly, I'm not sure what all of this telling of affairs is all about. I believe one should keep their mouth shut and spare their S/O the grief. However I also am a believer ( and practicer) of telling the S/O BEFORE you want to seek outside intimacy. That way things are out in the open to begin with, and often can be avoided before they start.
Blessings~~

I think this is one of those times where this person has chosen what is a consequence of his actions.

When my H was cheating on me, everyone knew except for me. It placed everyone in an extremely uncomfortable position, and he ended up having to apologize to a lot of people. Afterwards, I always wondered why no-one told me? Upon further investigation, it as basically that they didn't know what to say. They wanted to tell me, they just didn't know how.

I honestly believe that if someone had told my H tell her or I will, he would have done this a lot sooner.

It hurts everyone. I think if you explain to your friend this places you in an awkward position and because of what you have been through you feel the need for complete honesty in all of your relationships, then he needs to tell his wife. He NEEDS TO TELL HER, regardless of what happens. If he is looking outside the marriage then they need counseling.

It's like - if your friend was drinking heavily and was getting ready to get in his car, would you take his keys away? Or would you turn aside and say, it's not really my business?

It is your business if you are a friend. How he tells her is different. I recommend making an appointment with a counselor by himself first and then establishing a trusting environment to help the both of them. She is going to need a safety net and he is going to have to be prepared with how to handle her reaction.

TELL and TELL now!!!This burns me up! All my H's coworkers knew about his A and no one told me. You may think that you are doing the right thing, but if his W has been exposed to STD's, she should know. It happened to me. That is how I found out about the A. Her H's irresponsible actions could potentially kill her or make her infertile. She deserves to know. You could give your friend the opportunity to tell before you do or (I would not usually advocate lying in any fashion) but get a trusted friend of yours to call the wife anonymously and say she saw H with OW etc. Then you're off the hook and W can make informed decision.

Whoops, didn't quite finish that thought...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Absolutely do not betray a confidence. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with litepath, however, this is not a confidence. This is a lie.

Even if you don't agree with me philosophically there are even more fundamental issues here such as what swtbonbon mentioned.

I'm not the church going type but I would suggest consulting with clergy if you are comfortable with that.

i have a question---does your wife know about this or are you keeping this from her too?? what are her thoughts???

Nikko...

I have told my wife about the situation and she wants me to tell her. She's adding pressure for me to act. My friend, say's that he agrees that his wife needs to know, however, is afraid that his relationship would then be over. I've told him that she needs to know...as she has no idea just how close she is to losing you.

I know where he is, as I recall being in the same place a year ago. I thought that I had things under control and that I'd be able to break free before she ever found out.

I know now that had I never had a d-day i'd have never done the hard work required to save my marriage.

I guess I know what to do...I just feel like such a hypocrite.

Beemer

I don't think you are being a hypocrite by giving him the opportunity to tell his wife before you do. You are being his good friend. You said it yourself that you were right where he was a year ago. It will be an act of friendship to be there for him as he goes through the process of informing his wife and rebuilding his marriage if that is the choice made.

I am a firm believer that there are certain circumstances when a confidence should not be kept and that is when someone's life is in danger. To put it bluntly in this era of AIDS, his actions are putting his wife's life in danger. The only safe sex is no sex and even condoms aren't 100% safe. She not only has a right to know, she has a life stake in knowing this information.

While I understand that you may have some guilt associated with telling her, I'm sure it would pale in comparision to the guilt that would be felt if she were to suffer a slow death from AIDS.

Beemer -

Tell her... tell her... TELL HER!!
Tell her gently, but please do tell her - now.

Our friends knew the first night they saw my FWH & the OW together that it was going to get physical that same night.

I would have been eternally grateful to any of them if they had just picked up their cell phone & alerted me to come over right then. But they didn't, and tried to tell me later that it was difficult for them, and they of course did not agree with what my FWH was doing.

I no longer speak to them. I don't need "friends" that cannot stand up for what's right and put their butts on the line for me just because it might be awkward for THEM.

Yes, it's awkward. But don't HELP your friend destroy his marriage - don't let his wife go thru the pain that yours has.

The longer it goes on, the more damage is done that cannot be taken back. You know this. Don't be afraid to appear hypocritical, be afraid of BEING cruel by holding back information that his wife has a right to know.

Please tell her.
Shelle

Make sure his wife finds out! The analogy to drinking and driving earlier was great. Innocent lives are in danger. He might get lucky this time and no one gets hurt or he might not. There are many STD's out there. My ex-H had multiple A. I didn't find out till later. He was the only man I had been with and he gave me a gift that keeps on giving, an STD. He didn't give me one that will kill me or make me infertile. It was one where he experiences no symptoms. The fact that it wasn't one that will kill me isn't his fault, he just got lucky. You cannot tell by looking at someone whether they have something like this. The statistics are amazing. You can't tell just by knowing how many people they have slept with.

Some of these viruses can be spread even with the use of a condom, and sometimes condoms break. There is no such thing as 100% SAFE sex. He is putting his wife's life in danger and he's doing it without her knowledge. It is as if he is a drunk driver and she's just another innocent driver on the road, who is unaware of the danger ahead. Don't allow her to be killed by his recklessness.

This isn't just about breaking a confidence. This is a case of life or death.

What type of message would you be sending to your wife if you kept your friends affair secret. From the other side of the fence, you would do your self well in telling your friends spouse. But first I would give him the chance to come clean with his wife. The only reason I am guessing your friend told you in the first place of his affair is because he figures "birds of a feather, flock together" Your friend would not share this information with someone who would tell. I would also set your friend straight about who you are these days, not who you used to be. Just my opinion

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Beemer:
<strong>he needs to learn from my mistakes and tell his wife before she finds out the way my wife did.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm - was your mistake having an affair or getting caught?

Your answer makes a difference in what you will decide to do about your friend in the end.

If you consider your mistake was getting caught (or your wife finding out) then you will help your friend keep his dirty little secret because you have no decency or integrity and you have really learned nothing. You will carry the weight of this secret for a long time to come.

On the other hand, if you acknowledge that your mistake was having an affair in the first place, then you will display your learned integrity and not only advise your friend to end the affair and tell his wife, but you will confirm she's been told or you will tell her yourself, as well.

Once more,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Beemer:
<strong>I thought that I had things under control and that I'd be able to break free before she ever found out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what was your mistake? The affair or getting caught?

Before you do the right thing for your friend, you have to do right for yourself.

Does your wife visit this forum? What would she think if she read these words?

Yes, I'm asking you some tough questions. Do you have the integrity to answer them honestly? This will help you see the right answer regarding your friend.

WAT

Tell her in a sensitive manner. Does she know about you, and are you comfortable talking with her. You have been throught the experience and have much to offer. My H kept the PA secret for 11/2 years but told me only about the EA. It was much worse knowing he has lied repeatedly to me but also that he had slept with her on numerous times. Its true that everyone at their work knew, and lept the secret from me, something that is hard to forgive them