hi,first time here,will repeat what I think I have already posted but in the wrong place!
Husband: new clothes,new hair color,lies about being at work, large sums of money missing,scratches on back, obvious sperm and at times blood in his undergarments. Married: 35 years with open and honest relationship and no reason to be jealous.Problem: with the signs and my very strong gut feeling I know he is having an affair but denies it when asked. How can I resolve this when he lies? I am almost numb and can't come up with what I need to do. Thank you for any help you can give.

Hi and welcome (again)

What you are going through is normal. I hope you like roller coaster rides, because that is what this is.

You cannot make him tell he truth. He is in a "fog" state right now.

Concentrate on you. Don't make any major decisions right now. Am I correct that you want to move past this and make you M work? Read up on Plan A/Plan B, it is a link on the website. The information is also in Dr. Harley's books.

And take care of yourself during this emotional time.

Upset --

I'll add my welcome too and say how sorry I am for your sad and well-catalogued evidence; the signs sure seem all in place, that coupled with your gut feelings...

WS's almost invariably deny an A when confronted, even with overwhelming and documented proof. I agree with Sue: once The Fog is in, honesty and even decency are in rapid retreat. Don't expect reality, don't even expect normal interaction. If H is in an A--and it still is "if" at this point--he probably will do and say anything to avoid detection and anything to maintain contact with OW. The WS's new "reality" is totally warped and severely flawed and they don't even know it, a whole new agenda.

I'm thankful you've found your way here to MB. We'll help you all we can. There are no right or easy or quick answers or directions here. You have to keep yourself intact and not be swayed by any disorienting contact with H, very difficult to do but absolutely necessary for your stability and survival.

How do you resolve his lies?--get some proof, incontrovertible proof, and confront him with it (sounds sneaky and dishonest, I know, and certainly not the way you're used to dealing with him, but you're suddenly faced with a different breed of cat). A wife of 35 years KNOWS her husband; you know him and you probably know very well exactly what's going on here.

I'm very sorry for this mess. Please post again, anytime, to update or vent or rant or just touch base with us. We're here for you...

Ammon

Sorry you've discovered you H's infidelity, but you need some ways to catch him. Does he use a cell phone? Get the bill and check all the numbers to see which ones are called often, for long periods of time and late at night or early mornings, etc. If your bill doesn't have individual phone calls listed, you can request this information from your cellular phone company. If you find any such numbers, call them. Find out whose number it is. You can also take a phone number, do a reverse phone number lookup on the internet and get an address for that number. Worth a try. Good luck.

If he uses the internet at home to contact the OW, there are also many ways to catch him via computer snooping. Sometimes, a WS will leave a trail of evidence on the computer. If they erase their trail, you can also use spy software to catch them.

If you have some idea regarding the times and places of the affair, you can also hire a PI that specializes in infidelity investigations. This may be the most expensive route, though.

You will need evidence to get him to admit it. Very few of us, it seems, had a WS that voluntarily revealed an affair or admitted to it without concrete evidence.