Help, it's been 5 weeks since I found out my W had A with 'best friend', EA and PA. Both committed to work things out, she is very supportive, but my brain is going 100 mph all the time, and can't keep anything positive in my mind. I can see it on her that she is also having difficulties dealing with this, yet she seems stronger than I am. I broke down after 4 weeks, and everything we acieved in those 4 weeks went down the drain. We are getting better again, but I feel that she is not very rceptive of my feelings, even though she says she is totally over OM, does not think of him, and she feels very guilty of what she did. She is promising me eternal faithfullness, and she keeps telling me she loves very much, but she is not in love with me. It hurts, and I feel that she is trying to make me give up and let her go, even though when I found out I tiold her to choose what she wants to do, and she said she definitely wants to work things out between us. She says that she is getting to much from me to give that up, and even though she was totally in love with OM (probably still has some of those feelings), she says she does not want to give up what we have. I am on the verge of letting her go, but am scared on what effect will that have on our 2 boys (5 and 3). I am also very depressed, have no self esteem left in me, and nothing interest me anymore. I love her more than anyone or enything, would give up anything for her, but if i can't make her happy, I want to release her so she can find the happiness she wants.
Is it to early to have these thoughts? Is this normal for me to feel this way? Are her actions and words altered by 'the fog'? How long should I keep the hope that time and following most of what MB suggests will eventually patch things up and improve our marriage to a better one that we had before? Hw long will I feel blue, and how long will she need to get out of the fog?
I already asked some of these questions before, but I need some reassurance from people who have been through this already.
Thanks
HH

I feel so sorry about what you are going through. I've been struggling with WH for over 11 months,and can't seem to get through five minutes without the gut-twisting thoughts of what went on and wondering if it's really over. Of course, we've had 4 d-days so far, so my worry has been justified.

I know my WH has trouble talking about the betrayal because of shame and guilt, so that may be what you are facing, though I know how much it means to be able to get things off your chest and hear what her real feelings are.

One thing that has helped us quite a bit has been working with the emotional needs questionaire. What emotional needs were you not meeting for one another? Once we were able to identify and make an effort to meeting those needs, it started to feel constructive. I have to tell you though, as a BS, it feels pretty unnatural to behave lovingly toward someone who has hurt you so badly. The point seems to be to get the WS to feel enough love to reciprocate, and it seems to work.

It's such hard work,and it can be thankless for long periods of time, but(I'm told) can have big payoff. I don't consider myself in recovery, even now, because I haven't been able yet to recover any level of trust. But I remain hopeful.

Remember that your WS's actions do not diminish who you are as a person, and no one deserves to be betrayed by the person they love and trust.

Patience!

Welcome to MB. Sorry it is under these circumstances. I would recommend reading all that you can on this website as well as purchasing the books. Start with SAA (surviving an affair) and the HNHN (his needs, her needs).

Your feelings are normal and we all know the severe pain that you are feeling. The WS is in what is called a FOG. When they are in the FOG, it is difficult for them to see much of anything in a normal, rational way.

Read about Plan A. In Plan A, you are making the OP (other person) unattractive to the WS (wayward spouse) and yourself the attractive choice. If you stick with this and work hard at it, you will have a better marriage than you started with.

God Bless!~

thannnnnnks for your reply, sounds scary that even after so many months the gut twisting is still present. My WW is telling me to try to keep a positive outlook, she swears she would never do this again, annd she is really trying to help me feel better. I do beleieve that everything is still to fresh, we both need time to get ahead. We did fill out the EN Q and both know what we need to do. I need to get her to fall in love with me, I am already in love with her, and will love her till the day I die. She keeps telling me that I deserve someone who will love me just as much as I love her, and she will try to get these feelings for me, and even if she will never get these, she will find happiness with me. She tells me she is happy now, but if she can get those passionate feelings for me that she had for OM, everything would be so perfect. Hard to keep my head above water, but I will give it a fair try and plenty of time.

HH

HI HH,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I've been there and I know how confusing everything must seem right now...

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I liked it much better than Surviving an Affair... I thought it addressed the issues in a better way for a betrayed spouse (BS).

If you and your W aren't in counceling, I'd strongly recommned that you find a good pro-marriage counselor and start right away.

The feelings that you've described are all very "normal". I wouldn't make any big decisions right now regarding separation or divorce. Find a good marriage counselor and get some good, professional help. MB is a great place, but we're not professional marriage counselors.

Best of luck...
RIF90

HIH,

5 weeks is much to soon for you to feel much better about this. You decription of yourself suggests that perhaps anti-depressants my be in order for a short while. Talk with a Doc about this.

As for your W being madly IN LOVE with you. It will take a lot of time (6 months to a year) and it will take about that time for you to settle down and for you to start recovering. One of the most effective if NOT the most effective things about this site and the Harley approach, is that it buys time.

The time it buys will let you heal, it will let your W get through her withdrawal from the OM. It allow you to see the marriage in a clearer light.

Frankly, you are too messed up right now (as are most people in your situation) to rationally evaluate your marriage. So is your W. So give it plenty of time, see a doc. about depression and set a goal of say... 6 months to evaluate. If during the evaluation a clear answer isn't forthcoming, give it another 6 months. Then evaluate again.

You cannot evaluate a marriage when your feeling are going up and down like they will. Yet, most here try to evaluate every day. What you need to do is LIVE every day and evaluate when things have settled down where your feelings aren't changing hourly.

Time and patience HIH, that is required here. It seems as if your W is trying, you don't know how lucky you are (I know you don't feel lucky). Do some reading here every day and you will see.

Frankly, Harley states that it normally takes two years for a marriage to really heal from an affair. Which sounds like a long time, but it is short when you consider how long you should and can be married to your spouse. The trick is for you two see the good things and make this marriage better and stronger. Focus on that and see what you can do.

Hope something I have said will help.

God Bless,

JL

PS: The other good thing about working on your marriage and making yourself even better as well as the marriage: "The best revenge is a life well lived." So you get a twofer: a good marriage and your revenge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hang in there.

I am sure your wife is feeling guilty, and trying to work out an excuse for having the affair- that's why she is telling you the things she says about you deserving better, and about not being in love with you. It's funny, I think everyone always uses the term "in love" to = excitement/passionate.

Sure we all want that rush of new lust. The feeling you get when you are discovering a new, exciting person. You know what the best thing of all is about that step in a relationship: the way you take time and act in awe of the other person's body--the way you lovingly caress every inch as though it's the most beautiful thing your eyes have ever touched.. longingly. The way that "those parts" aren't the first things the other person grabs for because they are not yet sure if they are allowed. --If there was a way to rebuild that...I think this is what women cheaters seek: someone to cherish their bodies and truly appriciate that they are getting to touch them. If husbands would give this to this wives, along with admiration and respect outside of the bedroom, I think a lot of women would be a whole lot happier. To often, men and women both begin to take their partners for granted, and only focus on the bad that our spouses do... from that perspective everyone looks better.

Sorry to stray into my little evaluation of "what a woman wants"...(though I would LOVE to hear the men's version- I am so sick of getting cheated on- tell me how to pick a noncheater and I'll be your best friend).

You can stay or go- the choice is ultimatly yours. I gave a real long post about this in a difft place where you posted about this. But what she is doing is dealing with her guilt. I am sure she loves you the only way she can- and I'm sure she's sorry (either about having the affair or about being caught..but sorry). One thing is sure- I really think either she or the friend should go. It is not good to let them ever see each other again..I think that is part of one of the plans on this site.
Good Luck

If you have not read "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, you should. If you had, you would understand WHY she is not in love with you, and what YOU need to do to change that. It is true that she has to LET you do that, but it sounds like she is willing to do that, from what you write.