I have been reading your posts today. There is so much anger in your posts and possibly sadness. I'm wondering about your story and where you are at right now. I'm sure that you have probably posted that somewhere, but I thought maybe I would try this.

Looking forward to talking to you.

Seriously- I am trying to warn the people I am posting to that I am angry about my situation so they can figure that in- but I really think my story/opinions can help people not have to go through what I did.

But, here, by request- in most of its gory detail, here is my story:

I was married 3 1/2yrs---before we got engaged, he was my dream come true. Flowers, romance...the whole wonderful thing. His major flaw: he liked to chat sexually online with women and exchange his pics with them. I :stupidly: overlooked this and believed him when he said he'd stopped. He kept telling me that he wanted to marry me, and while I thought it was very sweet..it was getting old after a few months. It was like he said it instead of just saying I really, really love you, b/c he could not think of a strong enough way to express this. So, I told him this on Valentine's day 99, and asked him to either propose or to pick a new catch phrase. He said he understood- and it all started there. He started acting distant...weird. I had driven 240 miles to see him, and he left me in his room once I got there and disappeared for 4 hours- saying he'd be right back. When he returned, he proposed. Anyway, after I accepted, he started acting weirder.. I got him to agree to set a date (grudgingly) b/c we planned to move in together and I refused to do so without a set date. I moved in end of the month.

So many issues-he wanted all kinds of privacy, but I made him give me all his passwords-explaining that if we were going to be married there cannot be any secrets. I was wanting to make certian the sex chats/pic exchanges had stopped, b/c I had reaosn to believe they had not. And I was right. We faught- all out brawls. I almost called off the wedding as did he over this. But somehow we got back into our little comfortable slots and went on.

I tried to find ways to accept this part of him- I tried to join him while he did it. There was 1 local woman we spoke to- jokingly really, b/c he said he thought it was one of his friends playing a joke. One night, I came home from work. He waited until I was mid-way through cooking dinner to say that he was going to the gym RIGHT NOW and it was with or without me. I threw him off and went- but I stayed in the back of the gym, while he did his own thing- and I later found out that involved meeting another woman there.

After I married him, I thought these stupid little games would stop. I thought that he would see it was a legally binding, serious relationship and start acting like the man I just knew he was. I was wrong. I found phone #'s in his wallet a few times, (accidentally) undeleted sexual emails every now and then, and when I'd sign onto his account, women would try to "pick up where we had left off" via instant messages.

I quit my job. I was so terrified of him "following through" in my home. And I wanted to piss him off- thinking I could use my employment as leway: you stop this, I start that kinda thing

This went on for 2years

Then, he got a 6-month assignment to go to military training school 8hrs away from home. I could go, but he wouldn't let me. He said he needed a little time for himself, but that I should come visit whenever I wanted and he gave me an extra key to his room. So, heartbroken, I did. I cried so much those first 4 months. I started seeing a psychiatrist and got on ad's.I took sleeping pills day and night to stay asleep so I wouldn;t have to deal with my pain. I refused to answer his calls- wanting him to think I was out having fun, when in truth I sat there in tears listening to his infrequent messages.

The 3rd time I visited unexpectatly. I went into his room while he was at school, and found local swingers directories in the drawer by the phone. I did nothing, and played it dumb. When he got home, he was so sweet, and asked me to take a shower with him. I got in first, and he was taking awhile...he was hiding the directories. He wanted to play when we got out, but I confronted him. He played dumb, but I wouldn't stop. He said he threw them away.

The next time, I again arrived while he was in school. I found more- I threw them on his bed and took off to the base's bar without any further explanation. When he found me, I had already aquired a few "friends" and was playing pool with them-all while trying to drink my sadness away. He came in and I walked up to him and said I want a divorce. He kept trying to get me to talk about it...to go with him. I refused to speak another word to him. He left with puppy dog eyes saying I knew where to find him. I hurt myself that night- I made plans to stay with a female (air force)officer I'd met there, but ended up passing out in the bathroom and being put in the hospital. When I came to, my h was there, and in tears. He really seemed to care...and so we returned to our comfortable slots again.

When he returned from school, he seemed strange-- like he was longing for me, and very curious about my well-being/my actions/my feelings. Things were perfect for 3 months and I got a job because of that. Then it started worse than ever.

I mostly ignored it...watching with an internet spy program (spectorsoft)to make sure nothing was being carried out. To maintain what little sanity I had left. I drank- sometimes I would yell at him for all the trangressions I had stored up in my mind that I never called him on...but mostly I would giggle and play video games in a drunken stupor-oblivious to life's worries. I got big. Last Dec (01) I borrowed money from my parents who were heartbroken over my utter sadness and got liposuction/tummy tuck and breast enlargemnts.. $13,000 worth of plastic surgury all to try to win my h's affection/attention back.

In his new work place, he started hanging around a bunch of divorced people- notably an older woman he worked closely with. She'd give him rides hime every now and then--but I don't think they went anywhere else alone--one night, I asked her to join us for dinner since she'd given my h a ride home. Over dinner, my h kept gloating about how he was a stud b/c he was sitting here with 2 women, and that we should have a 3some. Strange...I would never sit there with one of my coworkers and say something like that unless I had sexual intent or had been sexual with that coworker...but maybe that's just me.

A year later, (August2002) I had, had it. I stopped drinking months before because I saw what had happened to me, but his internet transgressions were out of control- he did it every chance he got- If I went to work, he did it the whole 8hours straight...when I slept..even at his work. I called my house while I was at work- fully expecting to find a busy singnal denoting he was online-and I was right. I took my lunch break and sped home to catch him: there he was, so pathetic. Eyes red and watery, all musty smelling and damp, with only a slightly dirty t-shirt on, stroking away as he tried to click away the porn, emails and instant messages before I could read them. I was discusted.

From there, we went to a few marriage counceling saessions, and I thought things were going to get better- he admitted that this hobby was the cause of all our problems and that he was out of control. But he refused treatment.

One day, I came home from work and checked my program to see what he'd been doing...he had made sex dates with 2 seperate women without ever even seeing their pictures for nights I'd be working for the following week/weekend. I stormed into our room, woke him up and cried/screamed "why can't you just tell me you want a divorce?!" and he said fine, we'll get a divorce.

I moved out end of Aug. and we have not spoken since. No moves have been made far as I know to end this, and as much as I wish it all could have worked out--I see how much I put up with now, and I don't deserve that. I am confused. Spent my 1st birthday without him yesterday, half hoping he'd call, but not knowing what I'd do if he did.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Epiph0ny ]</small>

Wow! That is alot to have gone through. I see myself in some of your stories. My FWH had all EA's with OW from his past and it was all Internet and cell phone. He was unemployed and would spend much of his time on-line. Even after we married, he would still talk to them and still have his little on-line connections. There were four main ones that he just couldn't let go of. I e-mailed them and told them about me - exposing it to the light and all that stuff. It is truly a sickness and truly you, nor anyone else deserves to go through that. Ironically, the OW would tell me that I was crazy to still be with him. In the end, I was emotionally preparing for Plan B. With that shift in energy, he hit rock bottom and came crying back to me. That doesn't necessarily mean that he will maintain the NC. He seems like he is out of the FOG and has no interest in it and he has gone the longest time without contact than ever (1 month), so my hopes are high. I think that you leaving was the right thing to do. You are in Plan B. But I worry about the anger that you still have. Even though you of course deserve to be angry, you also deserve to be the better you. I hope that you are in counseling (or continue counseling) and come here to work on you since he clearly does not deserve you.

I thank you for reading my story and for your words. You know, it's strange.. I've been fine. 100% thanks to my family, b/c I moved bk in with them (I am 24). I think I really experienced the detatching and letting go those four months when he went to school. And so now..I'm used to it. I didn't cry but for maybe a week, and I have no more tears. I've got some good people to talk to, and even one of his superiors (a chaplian) told me to get out and think about me for a change- actually told me to be selfish. That's just not in my nature, but I am doing well.

I really am doing far better than I thought I would- I refused to let him screw me up anymore-immediatly restarted school (no time off to deal with this) and got a new job. Became a vegatarian, stopped drinking cokes...Just doing things good things for me. Starting to try to make myself run so that this surgury wasn't a waste...but I am such a lazy butt who prefers curling up on the couch and chatting with my family or reading instead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Recently, prob. b/c of the holidays, I've been thinking about him alot..every time I start to giggle over something he said, I remind myself about everything else, and I get mad. This mad part bugs me too- if the opposite of love is apathy, then hate/anger (an equally intese motion such as love) means I am still very much under his influence. It's all so confusing. But if he dorve down here (4 1/2 hrs away) and tried to apologize...I don;t know...I can say with conviction right now that I would NOT take him back. But if I saw his face...I would see what I fell in love with...and all that I want to believe...ugh.

Forgot to ask-

you said you h came out of the fog/hit rock bottom...
everyone tells me that what my stbx is doing is an addiction, and that it will take him to hit rock bottom. How did that happen for your h?

...and this is plan b? even when I am not even considering reconciliation and I've no doubts he's dating? Really? Or is it just considered plan b up until the divorce?

Plan B is meant to save you and your love for him while he makes a decision to get out of the FOG. If he can't do that, inevitably, you will divorce which is a sad, but necessary ending.

I went to Vegas with a friend of mine. I realized it was the FIRST weekend I have been away from my FWH. My whole attitude changed. I remembered....oh yeah, I am a person and...oh yeah, I did have a life...and oh yeah, I had a damn good life before I met him....and oh yeah, men are attracted to me and I am a great mother and wife! He felt my shift in attitude and when we got home, I didn't fight with him (and we've had some doosies), I was calm and quiet. I was basically indifferent. He no longer owned my power.

The whole next day without me saying anything, he was sending me text messages that he really screwed up, couldn't live without me, needed me, wanted to be my life, wanted to let them go and wanted me, said he was hurting like I hurt, etc etc etc. That night, I still maintained my indifference and told him that I realized something on my trip. I realized that I am a good mother and a great wife and if he couldn't see that, it was his loss. I didn't say it with emotion or anger, just matter of fact. He couldn't even speak to me face to face. He wrote me two letters spilling out his emotions. In one of them he said he couldn't believe that I was still with him because how could I stand him - he was sick of himself.

Anyway, something happened in him that snapped him out of the fog. I don't know exactly what it was but it took a year. That year was filled with heartache and pain of the largest degree.

As I read in someone's post, maybe one of yours....from Women Who Love Too Much - something about going from someone who loves a man with all her heart and soul to someone who loves herself enough to stop the pain. I'm sure I didn't do it justice, but that is where you deserve to be.