I've read thru a few posts and while there are some similar situations to mine, I feel mine is doubly complicated. Recently discovered my H has had sexual A with the W of our best friends. He states they were together last over 2 yrs. ago and have since agreed to cease the A. OW H knew and participated in the A. My H and I prior to A had an ongoing problem with my lack of sexual desire. We had gotten into that circle where H yells (and I mean yells) at me that he needs more sex. There was no talking about it at first, just a big blowup on his part. I reacted by building up a wall, which was the only way I knew to defend myself. And we went back and forth (19 yrs of M) My lack of desire is partly due to my inexperience and being brought up in a very unaffectionate home.
Anyway, H states that A with friend was sexual only and that I should be thankful that the A was with someone that he would not fall in love with! I have chosen to forgive him, but I am having a very hard time forgiving OW. H has expressed that she is now only a good friend and still wants to be friends with her whether I am her friend or not. H says that she is mad at me! Why??? What could OW be mad at me for??? Before A and before I knew about A but after it had happened, we would spend a lot ot time with them. It makes me ill now to think of those times when we were all together and I had no idea of the A. To my face, she was my best friend, but behind my back she was sleeping with my husband and condemning me for depriving my H of the sex he so needed.
H and I are trying to work this out, but his need to continue friendship is hindering our recovery. I have a lot of guilt because of the hurt I caused my H by my lack of desire. I am now making every effort to give my H the sexual relationship that he wants. I am at a loss of what to do next. Please help!!!!

Pat,
Please don't blame yourself . While your lower sexual libido may have contributed to your husbands unhappiness he could have helped you find out why this is and try to change it instead of turning to another.

You mentioned that you wanted to give you husband the sexual relationship he wanted but didn't know how. I think the first step would be to see a ob/gyn for testing to see if there is any physical/hormonal reasons for low libido.
After that it would probably help for you to see a psychiatrist to help you with the aftermath of growing up in a family that was unaffectionate. Your husband and you should also go to counseling to help with your situation.

As for being sexually inexperienced , there are many books and videos out their to help you feel more confident with your sexual skills. When I was younger I would have problems with certain sexual things and it was because I was such a perfectionist and didn't think I would do it right. A book that helped me is "How to be A great lover" by Lou Paget. Lou Paget (a women) also holds in person sex seminars were she shows you how to do the techniques she covers in her book. The website Adam and Eve has many how to tapes that can help you build up your confidence in this area.

I hope this information helps!

Pat333 --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for what has brought you here but I'm glad you've posted; we'll help you all we can.

What you're going through is incredibly painful but it's not hopeless by any means. After 19 years together (my total also), you two have a significant history. Are there children?

You said, "...his need to continue friendship is hindering our recovery" and I agree with you completely. It is a double "whammy" for you to have both H and ex-best friend involved--doesn't help either that OWH was in the picture (don't understand that one at all--why would he...?).

For me, being "friends" with this %*#$@ would be completely out of the question. She's demonstrated very clearly how much she valued your friendship. Part of your pain is that betrayal, certainly, but the bigger issue is your H and your relationship. He has to realize how damaging his thoughtless and selfish acts are to you and to your marriage. If he doesn't (Fog-land), you have to let him know and then be certain that he understands.

If it would help you (it would me) to insist upon No Contact with OW, then that's what you need to do. Once H knows where this has to be for you, then if he chooses to furthur disregard your feelings, you'll know a lot more about his commitment and ability to sustain your relationship. You say that you're "trying to work this out," and that's a very good thing, but what are you doing and how is it working? Can you get into counseling, individually and together?

I agree with Deborahd: You have nothing to feel guilty about here. H has made some incredibly poor and weak choices here and that is his doing--you didn't cause this A; he could have gone in several other directions, to help things instead of making them worse.

What to do next? I'd start with a frank and heart-to-heart talk with H. Find out where he sees this going. Does he want to work on your marriage? Is he serious? Will he give up contact with OW? You have a right and an obligation to have your questions answered. He's the one at fault here and he needs to want to get this back on track.

Get and read (both of you) SAA and HNHN ("Surviving An Affair" and His Needs, Her Needs") both available here on this site--A good place to start. Also "Torn Asunder." Wonderful info for free here also; go in through the "home" screen.

Post here as often as you want, even if it's just to vent or rant or cry. You won't wear out your welcome! Lots of sensitive, knowledgable, and wise people on these boards, lots of empathy, understanding, and good information and advice. We're on board with you now; let us help...

Above all, hang in there. This is an unbelievably stressful and difficult time for you and you will be asked for strength you didn't even know you had. Have much patience and give it time. It's a process and you have to go through each step and each day at a time. We're here for you...

Ammon

Pat -I bet you will get more improvement in your sex life out of takeing the Emotional needs questionaire and the Love Buster quetionaire found on this site w/ your husband, and your husband working on the areas that are problems for you. IF you feel closer to your husband and better protected, you will be a much better and enthusiastic sex partner for him, technique or no.

Anyway, that's what worked for us

Thank you all for your comments, they have been really helpful. We still have "good" days and "bad" days. But the "bad" ones are decreasing steadily. I have faith that this will all work out because I love him very much and I know that he loves me.

Thanks again for your support.

Pat

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pat333:
<strong>I've read thru a few posts and while there are some similar situations to mine, I feel mine is doubly complicated. Recently discovered my H has had sexual A with the W of our best friends. He states they were together last over 2 yrs. ago and have since agreed to cease the A. OW H knew and participated in the A. My H and I prior to A had an ongoing problem with my lack of sexual desire. We had gotten into that circle where H yells (and I mean yells) at me that he needs more sex. There was no talking about it at first, just a big blowup on his part. I reacted by building up a wall, which was the only way I knew to defend myself. And we went back and forth (19 yrs of M) My lack of desire is partly due to my inexperience and being brought up in a very unaffectionate home.
Anyway, H states that A with friend was sexual only and that I should be thankful that the A was with someone that he would not fall in love with! I have chosen to forgive him, but I am having a very hard time forgiving OW. H has expressed that she is now only a good friend and still wants to be friends with her whether I am her friend or not. H says that she is mad at me! Why??? What could OW be mad at me for??? Before A and before I knew about A but after it had happened, we would spend a lot ot time with them. It makes me ill now to think of those times when we were all together and I had no idea of the A. To my face, she was my best friend, but behind my back she was sleeping with my husband and condemning me for depriving my H of the sex he so needed.
H and I are trying to work this out, but his need to continue friendship is hindering our recovery. I have a lot of guilt because of the hurt I caused my H by my lack of desire. I am now making every effort to give my H the sexual relationship that he wants. I am at a loss of what to do next. Please help!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">