I dont know where to turn to as I feel really bad I have had an affair for 9 months and have had to let him go because I cant live like this any longer but I am hurting so much and I just dont know who to turn to because I have got what I deserve.

Welcome to MB.

Are you married? Kids?

Take time to love yourself today. Know this .... the grieving does eventually end, and joy will one day enter your heart again.

Lessons are painful. Feel this pain knowing you will grow from the experience.

Pepper

KerryB --

We grow the most from the times of trial and tribulation in our lives, the times of unhappiness, of sadness, of struggle, of questioning and inner conflict...

You are growing now. Like the cicada that has to shed its skin to become, you painfully emerge and leave the old form behind, stepping forward into the sunlight--but it hurts.

Growing guarantees some pain; self-realization and awareness are never easy, but always necessary-- otherwise we're no better or any different than that cicada.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Part of that hurt is that "growing pain," part is your conscience, part is remorse, maybe even a piece of it is a sense of loss of OP, and part is your relief at having it over with--doesn't mean that instantaneously you're over the emotional side of this just because you've ended the A and the contact.

All of these pains are "good" pains; all of this hurting is for a reason. You will not have moved this far or this rapidly or this solidly if things in your life had been going well, had you been happy and content. Be thankful for this opportunity to become a better person (hard to do for the moment, I realize). Sure you're hurting now; it won't always be this way, but these life-altering times and outcomes will be with you forever.

If you're comfortable with this suggestion, could you share a little more of your situation. The more we know about things, the more help we can be. Pepperband has started the ball rolling with two questions; I would add a third: does your partner know anything at this point? (Is that element still to come?)

Post again anytime. We're here for you...

Ammon

KerryB, I had an A for about 7 months August 2000-February 2001.

Just want you to know life can be rebuilt. It's not easy and it looks different for each one of us as we recover.

It's important to forgive yourself. Honesty will be key in your recovery. Others have expressed the thoughts more eloquently than I but I just wanted to jump in and reassure you life can get better again.

Feel free to email if you want: buildnewlife@yahoo.ca (But no obligation if you don't feel ready for that)

Hugs to you,

I cant believe how understanding everybody is!! I thought you would all tell me that the least I deserved would be the pain I am going through!!! My husband had an affair and I found out 4th Feb last year, I couldnt get out of bed for a week I felt my whole life had ended I did everything from hypnotherapy to anti-depressants, my friends dragged me out and one night I met this man who told me he was married but unhappily and he would be leaving his wife. I had the attitude that no-one had cared about me and so why should I worry. But it was such a mistake. His wife found out after about 6 months and she collapsed on the floor his children were devestated, she begged him to stop seeing me but he said he loved me and so he left, but after three months I just couldnt live with what I had done to her and so I called it off I now understand that they have reconciled but I feel so hurt I think especially round Christmas. Thank you so so so much for your kind words they help so much!!!

I was involved with a MM, I too let him go, because I realized what I was doing was wrong. But it didn't take him long to find someone new, and I feel very angry - almost to the point where I want to call the new woman's husband, and then call his wife and tell them everything I know. I'm just not sure what is right - my judgement might be clouded because of the situation. Any suggestions?

KerryB --

Thank you for sharing your story with us; it helps us to know some specifics and, I think, helps you to be able to "talk it out" with us = a cathartic agent of sorts.

I believe the best learning comes from within ourselves. You have learned well in this situation. You now know that the path you took nine months ago was the wrong one for you and you know it from the inside, your "such a mistake" statement. It was a very strong and good thing that you ended it, especially when you realized that emotionally and morally you couldn't sustain it, couldn't keep it going; it just wasn't right on several levels. You know so much more about yourself now and are already using that knowledge to make a better you.

Your story sounds like a classic Rebound Affair: one does it so the other does it, either for punishment or, in your case, more a "what difference does it make, my H doesn't care so why should I" feeling. All of us here know the intense, violent pain and devastation that an A causes so it's not surprising that you were lost; you felt that "your life had ended" and you didn't know where to turn. Your direction was not the right one and you KNOW it now and for all time.

If we're understanding here, it's probably because A) we're mostly all hurting in one form or another; B) we've been through an affair with our spouse; C) we've sat through this with each other before on this board; D) you're hurting and we can help; E) maybe all of the above.

As you continue to work through the issues and your pain, it has to help a bit to know that OM and his W have reconciled = a bonus.

Glad we could help a bit to ease the burden for you. One of the very good things about this board is the number of good people who make their way here in pain and then stick around to help others, sort of "passing it on."

So where do things stand now for you? Have you and H talked about either A? Do you have children? Again...only what you're comfortable with, OK?

Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We do care...

Ammon

I agree, I feel so strange because although I let him go I cant stop driving past his house. I know he had alot of other affairs and I want his wife to realise the type of man she is married to but again I feel cloudy I know I need to walk away. She will find out for herself in time but I just cant stop thinking about him all the time and crying. I want to know whats happening what hes thining, if everything is back to normal and yet I know that I have no right to any of these answers!!

Kerry, your feelings are normal, although you recognize they are not healthy.

I think even for those of us who severed all contact with OP, there is still a level of curiousity--did they turn out OK? Did they fall to pieces after we dumped them/they dumped us?

Last Saturday I thought I saw OM for a second. If it was him, he looked wonderful--and I was shocked that it made me feel angry! I've never seen him since the A and finally rarely give him much thought.

Anyway, a friend of mine always says, "Truth prevails." You need to protect yourself by not getting involved (this is just my opinon, though) and you must stop driving by--he likely knows your car and it's not helping you at all to obsess on it.

You have to decide what you will do to get well. Is your M in recovery? Can it be recovered? You have some big choices to make.

A great thing about MB is people here try their best to not to be insensitive. You are in the unique position of being a BS and WS and you will have a valuable perspective for both sides that come here but for now, work on taking care of you..what can you do to stay healthy and create new boundaries?

I really agree with Ammon--Ammon, you are very wise!

Kerry, there is a welcome here and we care very much about you.

Dear KerryB

How about this ... every day, you write down 5 things you feel grateful for. You'd be surprised how much this simple task can move you toward growth within a few weeks. Keep your *gratitude journal* for a daily dose of peace and self love,

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank you everyone you are all so right and just to hear it makes so much sense. I did not go back to my husband and am currently single with two girls aged 11 and 7 whom I love dearly. I have a good job and can support myself without any problems. You are right I do have alot to be grateful for and with your help I know I can move on. A's cause so much pain for everyone involved and I know that the OT is the last person who should be considered but it really is hard.

KerryB - I too was the OW. I had a very brief A and I ended it like you did, because I couldn't live like that anymore. Your emotions are normal for what you have been through. I agree with those here who say do not drive by his house. You must decide toend all contact with him and stick with it. It has been over half a year and I occasionally think of OM but then I look at my H and know how much I love H. It is really hard to bury all that I went through and the very bad choice that I made to partake in this A. We all have regrets in life and this experience has changed you forever. Good can come out of this bad choice and you will grow as a person.

Visit here often. It will help. Know that others are going through the same thing you did. It can be hard to live with yourself but be glad that you ended it on your own. You made the right decision. Now healing can begin.

Take care.

Thank you it is hard and I dont think that is a day that passes where I dont think about him and wish things could have been different but they are not and he is back at home where he belongs. I just cant get rid of this unhealthy curiosity!!! How long will it take when I can go to bed without him being my last thought and wake up in the morning with something else on my mind?? When does it start to get easier. I believe being here with people that really do understand is going to help me so so much!!!

Another support group that might be helpful as well is http://www.gloryb.com in the Endings area.

One piece of advice. Don't make ANY major decisions until you are out of crisis mode.