I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had an affair with a collegue. He was away doing a show for 5 weeks and we fought about him going for so long. He said I dont understand him. I think I understand him more than he understands himself. Anyways, he met someone on this trip and they slept together a few times and developed a relationship? When he came home he was acting funny so I became very suspicious and I found some emails. My worst nightmare come true. I knew we were having problems but I believed in our marriage. Now he claims he loves her. How can he love her if he has only known her for 2 weeks? He says he feels it is the right thing to try to work it out with me so he is staying for now. She is far away but I know they talk on the phone and email. How can we work this out if he wont stop talking to her? I feel so alone and sad. I am trying so hard to get his attention make him remember how beautiful our life was before he left. He is so cold and wont tell me he loves me or anything anymore. I am trying hard to be patient. But I am dying inside. I just want my husband back. Please help?

Hurt --

Welcome to MB. You've made your way to a very good and supportive place and we'll help you through this as much as we can. You're not alone anymore.

First off, your H is NOT in love with OW. He may think or claim he is but he's not. Intense infatuation?--possibly. Love--absolutely not! Around here we call this condition The Fog; it distorts and warps and harms everything in its path. As long as he's in The Fog you can expect irrational and unkind thoughts and absurd rationalizations. You're not immersed in its destructive power so you can ask, "How can he love her if he has only known her for 2 weeks?" = reality. The answer is he can't and he doesn't!

"How can we work this out if he won't stop talking to her?" You can't! If H is serious about recommitting to your marriage and putting this all back on track, he needs to stop all contact with OW immediately! No phone calls, emails, visits, nothing! You need to insist on this as a precondition to any discussions of reconciliation.

Read all of the wonderful articles and columns right here on this site--lots of helpful and on-target things to think about and to use. Also read our posts, especially the ones addressing your kind of situation.

I know how alone you feel. I know how much this hurts. You're in good company here as most of us are hurting too, many from similar circumstances. You'll be surprised how often you'll "see yourself" in what you read here. Many of the unfortunate stories will have a familiar ring.

I'm encouraged that H feels the right thing to do is to stay to try to work things out = a good sign. As long as he gives up all contact with OW and chooses now to reconcile with you, this is very doable. It'll take time--lots of time--and patience and commitment from both of you. You will want to learn to trust him again, in itself a difficult task, and probably not possible for you at the moment, but necessary for your recovery.

Please post again and keep us in the loop. We're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

hurtandalone...well...you're definitely not alone! Sorry you've had to seek out this site, but know that you've found a good one to find some resources and some other options. READ! There is a lot of information here which can benefit you and your H and your marriage. If possible see if you can get your H into looking here, too.

It sounds as if your H has been unhappy for a bit, for whatever reason, and has jumped hard into the fantasy he's created. Not unusual!

He claim of love isn't very likely to be true, but do accept that for him, it is his truth at this time. Don't make the mistake of not validating his feelings, even if you don't feel that they are right. They are his feelings, and while you don't have to agree with them or like them, do validate them.

BUT there is hope!

He's willing to stay and work on your marriage...this is GREAT! It's a door that is opening, work very hard to help it become fully open.

See if you can get him to agree to at least a period of NC with this woman until the two of you have a REAL chance to work this through. Both of you really working hard on your marriage and talking to see what areas need help could be a Godsend. Seek out some individual counseling and some marriage counseling with a GOOD counselor.

Sad to say, but you must also go see your family doctor and make sure that there is nothing that was contacted during his short PA. And also see if it's a good idea to get some anti-depression meds to help you during this time. They won't take away the pain, but they will help you focus on what you want to work on without some of the overwhelming emotions.

Know that your emotions will be on a rollercoaster. You'll jump from one emotion to another before you realize you've jumped. ie. crying to rage. You'll experience emotions that you've never felt before and will have difficulty knowing how to deal with them. THIS IS NORMAL!

I know that there won't be a lot of replies coming at this time of year, but don't get discouraged, keep posting!

Good luck to you and your H on your healing path!

Hello
Thank you for the advice. I have asked him to stop contacting her and he is unwilling to do that. I dont know what to do. I know it is near impossible for them to see eachother but this needs to stop what do I do?

Oh and we have not had sex since he came back. I know he will have to be tested and we will have to use additional forms of protection. But anyway I have asked him and he wont make love to me. He says we have to work through our problems first. When is a good time to bring sex back in the picture

Hurt --

"When is a good time to bring sex back in the picture?"--Not now, and not for awhile yet. Couple of reasons: 1) possibility of STD; 2) emotions--his and yours; 3) priorities--seems to me that you two have some major issues to begin to work through and the sex component isn't at the top of the list.

So, H is unwilling to stop contacting OW. You've made your need known to him, he knows how you feel about the contacts, he refuses to honor your perfectly reasonable and vitally necessary request = impasse. Except you now know something you didn't know before: his present level of commitment to you and your marriage. He's talking out of both sides: "I want to stay here and work on our marriage" vs "I want to stay connected to OW" -- ya can't have it both ways. Fish or cut bait. Sometimes this is called being a "cake-eater" (as in you can't have your cake and eat it too).

Remember that The Fog controls his thoughts and behaviors for now. It virtually guarantees that very little of this will "make sense" or necessarily go in the right or kind or loving direction. He "thinks" he knows what he's doing but objectively he's fooling himself and OW; make certain that he doesn't fool you.

Please find and read the message of a day or two ago in this forum called "WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses." (If I knew how to link, I'd give it to you!). It's all there, all the problems and pitfalls that you're likely to encounter and how to process them.

I think you need to protect yourself as much as you can. Draw up and set some boundaries that will help you to do that. What is acceptable to you and what isn't? My feeling is that his continued contact is probably the first place to start. If the A with OW is more important to H than is your marriage, then at least for now you know where things stand. Your request for NC is bottom-line in my book; nothing less is acceptable.

He's got to start somewhere to make amends, to help you and your marriage regain its footing. How better to begin a reconciliation than to end contact with OW? He has to do it, mean it, and stick to it.

Don't give up hope; nothing is hopeless. You can't see around the corner. Hang in there, post again, take your vitamins, and know that we care...

Ammon

Hi,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry that you're having to face this at any time and especially during the holidays.

Have you picked up the Harley book Surviving An Affair; and His Needs/Her Needs? Both, but especially SAA will definitely help you understand what is happening in your life. I would get them ASAP. Also the Harley book Give & Take has been tremendously helpful.

Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is another great perspective.

When I was at your stage - I needed to understand what was happening, and reading these books, posting here at MB and journaling was very helpful. You also could use the support of marriage counseling. I love how much Steve Harley has helped my H and I recover. Others do well with local marriage counselors.

Good luck, and know you're not alone. That was the biggest relief to me. Blessings, CSue

I am going to confront him again tonight and ask him to stop contact. What do I do if he wont?

hurtandalone -
Just over two years ago my H had an affair with someone he met online. He was in love with her, and not in love with me - period.

Today - we are like newlyweds but the journey to get to this place was difficult and took a lot of work.

Don't confront him about contact again for a while. First you need to read read read - the first book BOTH my H and I read was "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring - get it - get it now. Of course read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. You have a lot of work ahead of you but you can survive this - believe me I know.

Know that you are not to blame for any of this, no matter what state your marriage was in. He made the choice, albeit through the "fog" of emotions, and he is accountable.

Keep coming here - seek your support here - vent your anger here. Also, counselling - get counselling asap.

Warmth and strength to you.

Alberta
So I should not say anything anymore about the contact. Do you think it will just fade out? Should I just give it more time. It has only been 2 weeks. I am afraid if they keep in contact I am going to lose him. I am so confused. help

Hurtandalone....IF you confront him again about his continued contact....WHAT are you going to do if he won't agree? If you don't have a plan for yourself, you're just starting a battle with no goal in sight for YOURSELF. Yes, he needs to stop, but you can NOT control what he does. Only what you will accept in your life.

Do know that as long as he continues contact, he is NOT working on the marriage. NO WAY! If he says he is, he's fooling himself and trying to get you to "buy" into it. You don't have to do so. His staying in the house is NOT working on the problems in the marriage. Until he chooses one way or the other, he's just marking time...and hurting everyone.

As for the sex....I wouldn't push it or worry about it at this time. It won't make you feel better and he needs to be checked out to be sure that there is no concern in this area anyway. (Which he is unlikely to want to do at this time, so expect a battle on this.) Until he is checked out, do NOT have unprotected sex with him and stick to your guns on this one...it's important.

Maybe you should STOP trying to get his attention and work on YOU. Do what is needed to make your life better, with or without him. Let him realize exactly what he will lose if he continues on the path he has begun. Try not to be needy...met as many of your own needs as possible and do whatever is necessary to protect yourself (and children?).

Thanks for the advice
I know I need to build myself up right now. Once the holidays are over I am going to get involved in more things and do what I want. I know I am a great person and anyone would be lucky to have me. If he cant realise that then he is stupid and he will regret it. It is just so hard. I want to break them up but I know there is nothing I can do. It is just so hard to sit back and watch. How can someone who loves you hurt you so much?