Did Plan B come too soon or is it even a real Plan B? I don't even know if I have the strength to do Plan B. Here's the deal.<P>W thought she wanted a separation. I only learned yesterday that she didn't push for it becuase she realized her true motives were to pursue the OM, not to help our marriage. I asked her leave Sat. night after I spent 2 hours driving around to find her out with OM. I was angry and Plan A wasn't working (yet) and I lost patience.<P>The separation hasn't been a real Plan B as she spends the night at a girlfriend's but is there in the AM to get the kids off to school and she's there when I get home after work. We interact, talk, and then she leaves.<P>What pained me so much about last Sat. was that the prior two days were great. W was attentive, loving, playful, frisky, everything. Then WHAM...it's off to OM. I knew she had been molested at age 10 and when her parents divorced, she was basically abandoned. There is a lot of damage. I learned last night that on Sat. when I was trying to reciprocate the friskyness, she just wigged out. I guess it's like when a woman is rapaed and 10 years later, when making love to her H, she gets a flashback or something. My heart feels great sadness for her pain but at the same time, her affair and inability to choose me and our marriage usually quashes those feelings and I'm left with MY pain.<P>I truly believe the prior hurt and damage is what's causing my W to go down this path of distruction. I think I know because I was just as messed up and a drunk until I got into recovery. No one could reach me either and I truly didn't care. I know hitting "bottom" finally allowed me to decide to recover and until that time, I was stuck. Maybe it's that way with W.<P>So now what? Do I try Plan A longer and pray for more strength to endure future betrayals? Can I even go back to Plan A now? Is what I've done really a true Plan B? Do I do a real Plan B and hope that she hits "bottom"? Do I even have the courage to do it? <P>I'm so confused I hate the way my feelings are vacillating. Please help!<P>

NewMan,<P>Personally I don't think you want/need to be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... yet. <P>Here is the scoop... (bookwise: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)... on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...so...<BR>the upshot is that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... is only for <B>you</B>... for protecting the love you have for your W!<P>That is...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is to be used when you are losing too much of your love for your W... (depleting your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for your love for her!)<P>It is not meant to be used as a weapon against your W. No punishing!<P>It has the side effect of requiring that your W get all of her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> met by the OM!... A diffcult task for anyone!<P>A true <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... means... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan B: Avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended (page 79 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... from what I can tell by your story... you weren't doing a true <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>! <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... means eliminate <B>all contact</B>. I don't think you are at that stage of emotions/feelings... where you want to eliminate all contact.<P>Stay with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> for as long as you can. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty(i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...a reasonable amount of time for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> could be as long as 6 months (maybe shorter in some cases... maybe non existant, or maybe longer... some here are past their 9th month in Plan A). The amount of time in Plan A varies... The decision to go to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> should be taken seriously!<P>Yes...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> <B>is</B> hard... but most find (emotionally) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> (in the first few weeks at least) to be harder!<P>Keep posting and asking for advice... there is alot of it out here! <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 15, 1999).]