I have been "Peeping" posts from this site for weeks pulling all the information I could that would give me some direction. While the posts and the MB site have helped alot at the same time the information is punishing.
Here's my story.
I am the WS and make no mistake about it I accept full responsability for the hell I'm in as well as what I have done to my Wife and family (Both of us have tried to shelter the kids from the pain). Our story started about 2 years ago when looking for old Highschool buddies I came across the name of an old girlfriend. My relationship with her over 25 Years ago and it was, close, intense and very passionate.. My mind started to wander then the rest followed.At the time I traveled for work alot so it was easy for me to arrange "Trips". Around 18 months ago my A was discoverd by my wife, it had to be very painfull because she found out through a open cell phone line while I was out of town with the other person.While there is absoultly NO justification for what I did I do want to point out I have always loved my wife. My A was strictly physical, there was an intensity and excitement that had been absent in my marriage for quite a while.
My Wife forgave me and attributed the A to all the stress we were going through with our 16 year old daughter who was out of controll at the time. (Shes back on track now and doing great) We went through what we thought was the "healing" process and seemed to be on track untill about 6 weeks ago when My Wife found an EMail fom the OW talking about getting together in Feb.I can still remember in vivid detail the day she found out, she didnt come to bed that night, saying that she couldnt sleep so just laid on the couch Explaining her mood in the AM was just being tired and left for work. When I went to get some info from my PDA there was a note that she had found my Email and wanted to seperate. My heart dropped and hasnt come up yet.
My first reaction was to call here at the office but she wouldt thake the call, I finally said the hell with it and headed out for her office I got her on the phone on the way and said I'd be there in 20 Minutes she was outside waiting for me when I got there but wouldnt get in the car to talk so I got out. The look of Hate in her eyes was something I will never forget (I know now it was hurt)The brief coversation ended with "If I really Loved her I would give her space".. My next call was to the counsler who helped so much with my daughter and I have been seeing him ever sense.

The last 6 weeks have been the most emotional of my 45 years. One of the things that bother my wife was my dringing The pain is constant and unrelenting.Within days of D Day #2 I found "After the Affair" that for the first time exposed me to the realization how deeply I had hurt my Wife It was an awaking that I had not even come close to the first time..as I rea( both ATA & MB) on I came to relize that while our marriage was "sound" we had been drifting apart emotaonaly for quite some Time. The more I read the more I learned and the more In Love with my wife I became and the more painfull my place became...I felt like I found the answers to heal our pain but no one will listin at least not my wife.
Where we stand now is she says shes in the process of deciding weather to stay or go. She has said repeatadly that something broke this time and she dosent know if she will ever love me again she wont go to the counsler with me nor will she read any of the info Ive found shes just thinking.
While ther have been isolated conversations and tenderness from a far Its like I'm in Purgatory.
The Hate has gone from her words to me and now all that remains is an empty lonleyness. We have cried together on occasion but her feelings are still distant.
And just when you think it cant get any worse It does. about two weeks ago I started to get an ickey feeling, she had called me out of the blue to say she was going to be out of the office for a couple of hours. I checked her cell phone history and saw a strange number repeated in bound and out bound, I called the # and it was someone she worked with a man.I kept my mouth shut and just waited and watched.. sure enough she had been meeting this person at leats sense a week after D Day # 2. She had made up an elobrate story that she left her cell @ work While I was cleaning her car out I found the phone hidden, checked the history and confronted her with "I guess Openness and honesty has its limitations" She got very angry saying he was just a friend and how dare I compare what she was doing to what I did.
A week ago last Friday (My D Day) was the longest day and night of my life, I couldnt sleep so stayed up all night, My wife got up with me and actually comforted my pain,with hugs saying she would limit contact with her new friend to professional untill she came to some descion about us.

So, what is your question?

It's apparent that you realize where you are. Perhaps you don't know what to do.

First thing - write your high school sweetie a "no contact" letter, explaining how wrong you were and how much pain you've caused yourself and your family. Firmly state that there must be no contact between you two ever again - and you will even not attend any school reunions. Nothin, nada, zip, zilch.

Show your wife this letter before you send it. Then do it. You cannot get any further until you do this.

Order the book, Surviving An Affair, available from the bookstore on this site. Read about Plan A on this site and get to work.

Implement radical honesty with your wife - even if she doesn't want to participate right now. Tell her everyplace you're going, who you'll be with, and how to reach you. If she doesn't want to hear it, write it down and give to her.

For good reasons, she doesn't trust you and you have to regain this trust by earning it. You earn it by actions, not words.

Do not for a minute conclude that the challenge of your daughter was the "reason" for your affair - just as it's not the reason for your wife's affair. The real reason for both of you is selfishness. Look inwardly for all the other contributors to the poor marital environment that resulted in you acting on your selfishness.

I Aboultly know where I am, and I will never forget it but use the pain as a constant reminder of what Ive done and how important it is that my deeds meet my words.

My question is what else can I do yo prove my sincerity, Ive stopped drinking, am seeing a counsler (alone)reading all and anything I can get my hands on (thank you for the book referral)Telling my wife how much I love her, relating things that I feel are pertantiant that Ive read (or trying to) ack'ing her pain and trying to anticipate her needs in every way I can.

I also know that ny daughter sitituation had nothing to with what I did. rather looking back I think I just latched on to what my Wife thought might have been the cause for #1 because it was eaiser than looking deeply for the causes and making the changes. I wish I had taken a long hard look at myself and our relationship the first time around. I think, no I know I was moe concerned with forgivness that my wifes pain and our combined issues.
As far as ending the A. my wife sent the OW a Email on the day of discovery "hope your Happy"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MirrorHasTwo Faces:
<strong>My question is what else can I do yo prove my sincerity</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Write a no contact letter like I recommended in my first reply. Look in your mirror, find everything that needs to be fixed, fix them, demonstrate to your wife that they're fixed, and ask her to help you identify more.

Hopefully, you'll get to help her do the exact same things when she's ready.

What did your wife write in the e-mail to OW?

WAT

When you break the "trust" somtimes it never comes back. If the "trust" does come back its never 100%. Read "Fireman's" story it sounds a lot like what your life is going to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You have broke what cant be broken, if you do manage to repair it, it is only partially repaired and will never be in the original condition. Sad you traded a few moments of pleasure for your wife. Not only have you betrayed your wife, you have shown your decent wife how horrible man can be, im a man and you shame us all. Welcome to reality.

Sorry for being so harsh, im adding somthing that can make your wife feel better, "endless attention". constant attention, room between you 2 will only make things worse, if you give her the room the pain you caused will fester in her until she see's you as an eternal enemy, once that happens your fuked. Wife is most liekely looking for "trust" from anyone including another man. She wants to "trust" and will find it in another man. All men arent weak, she doesnt want to believe all men are bad and thats what shes looking for.

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

Mr. Bog, I believe Mr. Mirror is in the process of facing his reality. I am a man too, and I consider it shameful if I don't try to help him after learning what I have learned in my own situation.

Perhaps you can learn and help, as well, and be a better man for it.

WAT

Worthatry: thats why i edited my post and added somthing to help. People are all different and my views or statements may seem extreem to you but my intentions are to help. I know how hard it is for HIM, but it's not about HIM, it's about his wife. If my comments hurt " Mr. Mirror" its suppose to.

" Mirror" Again, this is what makes me feel better:

"Sorry for being so harsh, im adding somthing that can make your wife feel better, "endless attention". constant attention, room between you 2 will only make things worse, if you give her the room the pain you caused will fester in her until she see's you as an eternal enemy, once that happens your fuked. Wife is most liekely looking for "trust" from anyone including another man. She wants to "trust" and will find it in another man. All men arent weak, she doesnt want to believe all men are bad and thats what shes looking for"