I recently lost my husband in a fatal auto accident after 5 years of marriage. My husband had been in a serious car accident years before and had a traumatic brain injury. Approx. 8 mos. before his death, I learned he was having an affair with his brother's wife (I figured it out). Needless to say it was traumatic - He said that it was only for several months at first, then he became vague how long – said he couldn’t remember, it could have been longer and it was the thrill of doing something forbidden. He also said because he could almost always please me in bed, that it was thrilling at first to have a challenge with her (although I guess she turned out to be a pretty dead lay). He said after the first few times he found her to be boring, unintelligent and her squeaky, whiny voice was starting to get on his nerves to the point of ripping his hair out (This I felt he was sincere about). He said he never thought about leaving me and when she started discussing leaving his brother for him, he said he told her that he did not want to leave me and he bailed out (I’ve confirmed this through other sources).
He also said the reason he kept seeing her was that he was afraid if he quit seeing her, she would get mad and tell his family (Right after he dumped her, she went and told her husband that he had raped her, all he knew then from family members who confronted him, was that she had said it happened once between them and that was because he pressured her. He defended himself then to his family and told all, this was also what they told me. Because she had lied so much to the family, they did believe him, except for her husband and after she did this, my husband couldn’t stand her). I asked him why he never told me after his family found out, because it was only a matter of time before the **** hit the fan and he said he didn’t want to lose me, he knew I would divorce him.
We separated for about 6 weeks and throughout he begged me to try again constantly, I told him that unless he could commit to me, it was no deal. He said he didn’t know at first. I told him that if he truly loved me, he would let me go, so that I could move on with my life, I would be sad, but if there was no commitment, we would be better off without each other. Several weeks later he came to me and said that he knew he could commit to me, so I took him back, where we literally talked hours about our problems, our marriage, etc.
Several months after I found out, she finally confessed to the whole family that it was an affair, she was never raped and that she was in love with my husband, this is when we learned that she had accused him of rape (This happened when we were back to together). I’ve verified that he never contacted her again through any of this, even before I found out.
I have learned through friends since he died, that he had several one night stands during our marriage (before he moved back in, prior to her) and due to many things occurring during his memorial service I have heard more crap from other people which has come from his mom (That is a whole other fantastic story). I just want to sort through this...I need help!!
I am obsessed with finding out if he really committed to me when he moved back in and at this point in the story, I have no gut feelings that he was unfaithful and nothing from any of his friends to support anything, but that he was faithful and happy. His behavior seemed to change drastically, but everything I read says this would just be temporary. I was faithful and extremely loving and sexual with my husband. I guess the worst thing is my husband is dead and I can't ask him anything and I feel he was so deceitful with me (I asked him if there was any other affairs when this came out and of course he said no). He constantly said how happy he was with me (even throughout the affair) and he loved me to death. I feel now that I cannot truly grieve for him, it feels tainted, but he was the love of my life. I can’t sleep, eat or stop crying. My friends say to just move on, he wasn’t worth it...Help!!!

<small>[ December 28, 2002, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: FeelingBetrayed ]</small>

FB,

Look at what he tried to be not what he had been ...

1. H was truthfull to you about the A
2. H was doing the right thing of NC
3. H tried to be a better husband after his returned

Cherish what he tried to be and he did for a short while ... treasure that memory. He might want you to do the same. People make mistake but what they do after the mistake define who and what they are.

It is too bad that H is not with you to help you to heal from his A, but at least he tried.

May Lord give you strength and wisdom to past this losses. -rh-

I am so sorry for your loss. And I understand the conflicting emotions you must now be dealing with....or at least I empathize with them.

It sounds from what you posted that when you left and your H had some time to really reflect on his life, his choices and his options...he grew up. He became the man you always knew he could be. Treasure the time you shared at the end. That was the man you married and loved...he was that man!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, but I have to point out that he continued to lie when he came home, by not taking the "get out of jail free" card by admitting his other sexual escapades. I did tell him that it would not make things worse and that the only way we could rebuild our relationship was to be honest. That didn't happen. Also after he died, the OW went to the accident scene with his mom, crying her eyes out on TV (the mom did this to hurt me - which I'll leave for another time). Her husband (my husband's brother) and her fought for several days about this and she tried to OD on his asthma medicine and said she was going to get my husband's initials tatooed on her shoulder. The brother had her admitted to the hospital and she went to life stress unit for a week. During this time she told the brother that she still wanted to be with him and make the marriage work. Through counseling, he told her their marriage was over. Two days after she got out, she ended up with some other guy and they are now going through a divorce. I am not even close to telling all, it would make at least 5 Jerry springer shows. I still have several options to determine for sure if he cheated when he came back and I feel I should do this when I am ready, no matter if I don't like what I hear. I feel this will help me move on, I feel I should NOT try to fool myself into believing he changed if it is a lie..Please comment...

<small>[ December 28, 2002, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: FeelingBetrayed ]</small>

Maybe if he had lived, he would have gone back to old ways, but you posted that he changed. Maybe he did.

I'm not in the least surprised that he didn't tell you about past infidelities which he assumed you'd never discover. That's par for the course. It's a matter of the WS believing that they are not only protecting you from added pain, but also their own @$$.

From your first post...I didn't mention, but I'd wonder greatly about these "friends?" which informed you after his death about his ONS of the past. What did they hope to gain by this? To me that was cruel and they should have kept their mouths shut. If they knew and didn't tell you while he was alive...why do it after death and increase your suffering and confusion???? Personally, I'd be looking into finding new friends. jmho

Your SIL is a piece of work! Be glad that she is leaving the family and won't have any more impact on your life!

You may have some options you might explore to see if you can determine if he still was betraying when he came back home. HOWEVER...if he wasn't...you'll never prove a negative now. Yes, you may prove that he was, but you can't prove that he wasn't.

Have you sought some counseling for yourself in dealing with past betrayals, your grief at losing your H, and the confusion you are feeling now? If not, I'd like to offer that bit of advice. Counseling can help greatly, having a little outside guidence while you do some self-discovery can make a world of difference.

Good Luck!

The friend I'm talking about was his guy friend and of course my husband begged him not to tell me anything. He did not tell me anything at first, but I'm good (like he's dead, it doesn't matter now, etc.)and finally got it out of him. This person I believe, because he has no apparent hidden agenda, he has a girlfriend he really loves and does not seem out to hurt me. The other information came from his brother, which was different but I have to take it with a grain of salt, because he first told everyone after my husband died, that my husband did not cheat, except with his wife, but I talked to him shortly after her hospital stay and the divorce papers were filed. He seemed very bitter and some of the things he told me, I had to point out to him happened before he met me. I definitely felt he wanted me to hurt me so I would feel as bad as he did and my husband was no longer around for him to punish. I also felt it was a set-up (the mom being behind it), as he asked to talk to me and I did not pursue asking him any questions. I asked him why he lied about my husband not cheating with others after he died and he had no answer. I asked him why he did not tell me about this when my husband and I separated, since he hated my husband and never wanted to see him or talk to him. Again, no answer. He just said that my husband was a piece of crap and that he had no remorse for anything he did to me. Obviously my husband and his brother did not talk for about 10 mos. before he died. In fact when I found out about the OW, he tried to commit suicide (I took the keys from him), and I told him if he did, he would have to do it on foot. He was gone walking about 30 mins. and seemed better after ( I felt it was only the guilt talking). We talked for several days, that was when he said he didn't know if he could commit to the marriage. I said if he couldn't commit, he needed to move out and after much prodding he finally did. I do know he talked about how he betrayed his brother every day and hoped someday they could talk (I think he was waiting for her to cheat again on his brother so he would dump her also). I only know that he APPEARED to have changed when he came back. Hopefully this makes it clear as mud. P.S. I have started counseling, just doesn't seem to be doing a lot of good just yet....

<small>[ December 28, 2002, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: FeelingBetrayed ]</small>

FB,

Did H had ONS before or after H went back home ?. Just I want to point out. Also IC is good for you to disect this mess in the safe way. If your IC is a listing type ... meaning just listening and ask no questions that will draw more answer ... then no suggestions at all .... run from him/her like hell and find a new IC. The IC professional is very tricky w/ fake type to all the way Dr. Phil type. One thing for sure you should not burried this just b/c you want to move on ... you need to revisit this either now or years from now. It is part of a healing process to be able to talk about it w/ detachment.

-rh-

First off, you'll have to explain what ONS means-I don't have a clue. Secondly the day my husband died, he got up for work at 5:00 am like usual. I would always make him coffee and make him a sandwich, then go back to bed, because I did not have to get up until 6:30 am for work. This morning I did this and went back to bed for about 10 mins. having the most terrible dreams. I cannot remember what they were, but this voice in my head said you need to wake up. I got up and spent about 45 mins with him before he went to work. I got to tell him how much I loved him and hugged him before he left. We had a great time. He was leaving work that afternoon and called me, said "Hey Baby" and said he was on his way to pick me up. I couldn't hear him very well, so I asked him to talk to me when he got to work. Several minutes later he was in the fatal car crash which killed two other people also. I panicked when he didn't show up, so went home to wait for him. That is when the sheriff's department notified me that he was transported by Care Flight to the hospital and died shortly after. I felt that things were going so great between us, that I did not have unresolved issues, except devasting grief at his loss.
I would like to point out that his mom when we separated begged me to take him back, telling me how much he loved me and would never cheat on me again and after he died how good I was to him and patient with after all the crap I went through with him and that he and I loved each other so much. These issues started approx. 3 weeks after he died when through a series of events, his mom made a comment intentionally through another family member that I didn't know the half of his affairs. From that point on I made a point of finding out what I could and to answer your question, NO I have not found out any affairs after he came home, and for that matter since the affair ended with his brother's wife. All was prior to the affair. As far as the counseling has gone, I've gone twice (the first time was sobbing and just getting things off my chest). she did ask me to gather my thoughts and tell her next time what would I gain by digging up historical facts (affairs). I wrote everything down and handed it to her the second time and I think she was pretty impressed with my list. The main thing was his mom was going around town saying horrible things about me and my husband (I know I will have to get into this saga here soon) and that it would hurt less to be prepared, because it has not ended (the personal attacks). She did offer to counsel both his mom and me next time I go, she asked me to think about it, but once I tell all this through words, I am positive it will not make any difference. Like all of my friends and family say, the counselor thinks his mom is a normal person in grief and that you are probably exaggerating her actions or are not viewing them in an un-biased manner. They have all dealt with her and know she is like the black pit of despair. They have seen what she has done to others throughout her life and this is not going to change with a counseling session. Hopefully that answers some of your questions.

ONS=one night stand

It's odd the way grief is dealt with by each individual. His mom is grieving, yet she lashes out. She may be trying in some warped way to save the only relationship with her living son which is left to her, by attacking you and her other son. Weird...but who knows for sure?

I still can't imagine why anyone would have opened up this can of worms after he is gone. But, it happened and now you must deal with it.

As for the counselor...so often the first few sessions are just about trying to get enough background on you and help in the immediate issue that it doesn't seem to be helping that much. Give it some time. Counseling isn't like a magic wand which will make everything better...it's only a guide to help point you in the right direction or show you some options which you might have overlooked.

Have you also been to your family doctor and gotten a good physical to make sure that everything is as well as can be with you? Have you checked into getting on some anti-depression meds...they can work wonders when faced with the sorrow you are having to deal with.

Do whatever it is that you feel you must do to have some peace. If digging into the past is what must be done...then so be it. But make very sure that it is what you need. Instead of making things better, they may become harder to deal with.

Again...I am so sorry for your loss. May you find healing, peace and happiness in the future.

God Bless

FeelingB....Good morning. You're situation followed me to bed last night. I want you to know that you're experience has touched me deeply not only because of the pain you've felt at the loss of your H and all the confusion, but also because I have a friend who went through the loss of her H also, shortly after he returned home after a separation caused by his affair.

ANYHOW!!! I was wondering about your MIL's statement of: "you didn't know the half of it"...now how would she know? Would he have come and told his mom about his infidelities? Would friends and family whispered in mom's ear what a cheater he was? Exactly who told her anything?

I'd like to put forward a less then truthworthy person for being the one who started all this....you're SIL! Now, why would she? To cover her own @$$, to paint him as the pursuer and the one who jumped from woman to woman and she just couldn't resist! Yeah, right! Maybe even he told her of a past error in judgement, might have been true, might not...and then she's taken that confidence and blow it way out of purportion to try to make her own actions less hurtful and cruel. This would also explain your BIL's conflicting statements before and after his bro's death...he's been hearing all this garbage from his W.

I don't know about your other friend who confirmed that your H had made some past mistakes...maybe he does know..maybe not...but how? You did say you sorta tricked him to confirming...he may have been very embassassed for whatever reason, wishing to offer you what comfort he could and also grieving the loss of his friend...so even though you feel that this friend knows...he might not.

I can't know...maybe he was a serial betrayer...but at the moment...I can't say I trust those you are hearing this from. You sound as if you're a pretty grounded lady and not one who would willingly bury her head in the sand. If he'd been such a betrayer...I think you would have know all those years ago. jmho

Dear FeelingBetrayed,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You posted that your H had ONS but didn't confess these affairs to you when he had the opportunity. The simple fact is that many people do not see ONS as being affairs. It's one of those things that with time, recovery, and marriage rebuilding they come to realize that ONS are indeed affairs.

Because of your experiences after the commitment to recover and rebuild, I would think that one day he would confess these ONS also--along with an apology for not already confessing because he just didn't know that a ONS is an affair.

I agree with just wifey--please do not let these people take away what your loving H gave you! You could trust him again because you saw his behavior and openness and honesty. Please don't allow words from untrustworthy people who have their own agendas to rewrite YOUR history--you were with your H, you already KNOW what the truth was and is.

Take care FB