I have been lurking here for several months now and have been learning a lot about relationships, etc. Now I find myself in a position where I need advice and am unsure if I am being paranoid or am justified in my "gut" feelings. I have been living with my fiance for almost 4 years and we decided to get married this April. This is my second marriage and his first. He is 45 and I will be soon be 46. He has had several relationships, none lasting more than 7 years and one in which he had 3 children. During that relationship, they discussed getting married but never were able to find a time when they were both "ready" to take that step (you would think 3 kids would make that step easier...lol), the furthest they actually went was that she had her named legally changed to his surname but no actual marriage. I have noticed since we have finally made the decision to get married, he has starting acting in a strange and erratic manner. One day he is all excited and wants to plan something truely remorable for our wedding and the next day he barely speaks to me. The holidays have been really trying as he has closed himself off from me entirely. He goes to bed at anywhere from 6:00 P.M to 7:00 P.M. and then gets up again at around 4:00 A.M., not hours I normally keep. Another disturbing indicator is he has always had a liking for pornography which I have not had a real problem with although I don't really see the attraction. But since I bought a home computer, things are getting out of hand. Especially in the last few weeks. I have downloaded a keylogger program (tonight, in fact) because I suspect he has posted nude pictures of himself somewhere on the web. I feel sneaky and overly distrustful in doing this but I do know that "gut" feelings are often justified. Is there someone else out there who has gone through something similar and can give me some ideas on what I may be up against here? I realize marriage may seem somewhat overwhelming to him but this is not something I have forced on him by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I was the one that initially was reluctant. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sounds a lot like "cold feet". Maybe you should be the reluctant one again until he's really committed one way or the other. As long as you've got some unanswered questions as to why, what and whatever which are going on with him...you don't want to sign up for a lifetime.

His past actions show that he has a problem with the "M" word. Many people do. Just give him some space and no pressure one way or the other.

Taking that step is a major one. It's one that is best taken when it's the only one you can see to take...because it's the most important one to you right now.

You might want to look over all the information that is here about pre-marriage and see if some of it would be worthwhile for both you and him to work through.

Maybe I'm wrong...but I don't see any big glaring red flags about affairs...just fear of marriage.

Good Luck!

I do see many big glaring red flags about affairs... and even more than just fear of marriage.

If he cannot commit after four years...
...he never will.

You forcing him to marry you isn't going to help.
Living together (without marriage) is one more huge risk for future divorce. Spare yourself the greater 'future grief'!

BTW: An addiction to pornography doesn't get better over time...
...only worse (without a desire to change and professional counseling).

It may be hard.
But it is time to cut your loses...
...re-evaluate what 'marriage'/'commitment' really means to you.

Love.

Jim/NSR