My wife of 3 years told me about a week ago that she has been seeing a past boyfriend for the past 2 months. She said that they haven't had sex, but that they kissed passionately every time they met and once they touched each other "all over".

I know that I didn't fulfill her emotional needs and understand why she would feel the need to turn to someone else. I have decided to forgive her and meet all of her needs. This past week I have been doing everything possible to fulfill her needs.

The problem is that she doesn't know if she wants to stop communicating with him. She said that she has never gotten over her feelings for him (he was her first love and the man she lost her virginity to). She sent him an email the night that she told me and explained that they couldn't be together, which made me very happy. But tonight he responded and they chatted online with each other for about 30 minutes. Now I'm afraid that they'll continue their relationship.

Just now I almost bought one of those computer monitoring programs, but decided that it wouldn't be right. I don't know what to do! I want to salvage our relationship and will do whatever is necessary, but I don't know if I can handle her talking to him much longer. Although she has decided to not meet with him anymore, she said that she still can't decide to not talk to him anymore.

How do I get her to end her communication with him forever? Tonight she said that I've been wonderful this past week, but she is feeling a loss because she can't be with him anymore. It's almost like she feels sorry for him...when I'm the one she cheated on.

She feels that I'm pressuring her to break off communicating with him even though she isn't ready to do so. She also said that she loves both of us in different ways.

I'm so heartbroken that I don't know what to do!!! I would do anything to get her heart back, but don't know what the best course of action is.

If anyone could shed some light on the situation or give me some advice I'd really appreciate it. I've never felt so alone or hurt in my life...she was the one person that I could talk to and now I have nobody.

Thanks!!!

Hi CM and Welcome.

I know you are in alot of pain right now. A week is still very very fresh and the path to recovery is a long road but you can do it. It also sounds as if your wife is still in some sort of fog. Before the two of you can save this marriage, she must end all contact with the OM. Change Tel# and email addys, and everything. This is very critical.

Have you taken the EN questionare with your wife. I highly suggest that. Im a FWS. I had the affair on my H. We have been in recovery for 3 years. We are doing so much better but it takes work and dedication and HONESTY. I had to regain all the trust back I had with my husband, not easy to do. We made it. You can too. You have to read all you can here and then modify your plan to save your marriage that best suits your needs.

You took the first steps already and I know you can do this. Another good forum to post in is the General Questions II. Weekends can be slow here but keep checking back. Lots of great folks here to help.

Again I urge you to ask your wife that she make it clear, no contact is NO CONTACT. Its the only way to save your marriage.

Im going to send someone your way that may be able to help you.

Check your thread at the end of the day.
Bless you
Zoey

confused_man,

Very sorry to see you here. However you have come to a wonderful place that will make you feel sane in your worst moments. A place to vent, shout and scream. We're all here to listen and give advice when needed and asked for. I'll try and answer some of your questions as best as I can but remember that I'm only 3 1/2 months into this myself. I look at your post and I can see myself 3 months ago.

I know that I didn't fulfill her emotional needs and understand why she would feel the need to turn to someone else. I have decided to forgive her and meet all of her needs. This past week I have been doing everything possible to fulfill her needs.

Well this is a good start. You know that you didn't fullfill her EN's. How did you come to realize this? Did she tell you or did you come to this site to learn and then find out? It's great that you forgive her but make sure you forgive yourself also. I beat myself up for months as the BS who never fullfilled my WW EN's. That didn't get me anywhere. More on that later. You said that this week you are doing everything possible to fullfill your wifes EN's. Once again, Great. But realize you can't do it all in one week. Heck neither one of you probably know what EN's were being met before vs. the ones that weren't. So here are two things that you are going to have to learn and accept. For me it was the most difficult thing in the world. Believe me. OK, Patience and Slow down. Take a breath and repeat. Patience and Slow down.

The problem is that she doesn't know if she wants to stop communicating with him. She said that she has never gotten over her feelings for him (he was her first love and the man she lost her virginity to). She sent him an email the night that she told me and explained that they couldn't be together, which made me very happy. But tonight he responded and they chatted online with each other for about 30 minutes. Now I'm afraid that they'll continue their relationship.

Yes your right. It is a problem. She ofcourse has to make the decision of no contact (NC) with the other man (OM)you can't make her do anything. What you can do now is "listen" to her. She said she sent him an email telling him that they couldn't be together. Did you see this email? Did you help write it? Did you ask her to stop all "communication with OM". Zoey is right. If there is going to be NC then there should absolutely be NC. You might not get what you want but you should express your feelings. Once again it is up to her to make that decision.

Just now I almost bought one of those computer monitoring programs, but decided that it wouldn't be right. I don't know what to do! I want to salvage our relationship and will do whatever is necessary, but I don't know if I can handle her talking to him much longer. Although she has decided to not meet with him anymore, she said that she still can't decide to not talk to him anymore.

You are very similar to my situtation as it started. Forget the monitoring programs for now. Is she emailing him from work or from home? Does she work with him or not? You can handle this!! If I could then anybody could. Go and get "Surviving an Affair". Check out this site and get familiar with Dr. Harley's method to building back a marriage. In short go to Plan A. You are both responsible for this happening so make the changes nessessary for yourself first. Don't do it specifically for your wife. Take a good look at yourself and find out what it is that you did wrong and that you want to change. My suggestion for now would be to be the best husband you could be but without smothering your wife. Just make sure your changes are consistant. Don't LB (lovebust) no matter what. You can't make her stop talking with him. Until she commits to that you aren't going to make much progress except for changing yourself and in doing so your wife will notice even though she may not tell you.

How do I get her to end her communication with him forever? Tonight she said that I've been wonderful this past week, but she is feeling a loss because she can't be with him anymore. It's almost like she feels sorry for him...when I'm the one she cheated on.

Oh this is a good one. Yes you are the one she cheated on but she feels somewhat sorry for him. Yup. Don't take this personally. She is going to be acting strange and doing things that will boggle your mind for a while. She's in the fog. Someone once wrote to me that when you WW is in the fog "believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see". She is feeling a loss because she is in withdrawl. It's like a junkie going without thier fix. He is an addiction right now. This is going to be a very tough time for her and you. She may slip. The OM may slip. Only time will tell. In the meantime take the positive out of this. She said that you have been wonderful this week. That is a great sign!!! Build upon it.

She feels that I'm pressuring her to break off communicating with him even though she isn't ready to do so. She also said that she loves both of us in different ways.

You probably are pressuring her. That is normal. For me, after I found out I was a basket case. Just ask Zoey and everyone else around here. I tried every night to tell her how much I loved her and needed to know how she felt about me. Everynight I did this. Not good.

She doesn't love him she loves you. You are the one she married. Remember that. She is just in fantasy land with this guy. Well I've gone on long enough for now. So I'll leave you with just a couple things to do now.

Eat. If you aren't do so. You need to stay healthy no matter how stressed you are and have no appetite.

Keep busy. Find time for yourself. Start to make sure you are doing well. Read these books, or do a hobby.

Marriage counselling. Have the two of you gone yet? If not you may want to mention it. However you must realize that you need two willing parties to go. She may agree to go but if her mind isn't there then not much good will come of it today. You sould mention it though. Make sure the MC you pick wants to build marriages back up. Our first MC just wanted to prepare me for divorce if we had to go that route. Stay away from counselors like that.

Come here as often as you like to look for ideas, vent, or just talk. This place kept and still is keeping me sane. You have a long road ahead. Remeber Patiecne and Slow Down.

If you want to follow alot of the advice people gave to me just go under the "recovery" board and do a search on mark10/13/96. Look at where I was and how these people have helped me. Not all is roses for me but every day gets a little better.
I hope some of this helps. Your certainly not alone.

I feel your pain too CM. DDay was 11/14/02 and again 12/08/02.
Apparently I am doing all the right things. Stopped beating myself as fiercely as I was, still doing it I guess, but the meds are helping me even out my emotions. We're seeing an MC individually and together. She is in the withdrawal period now. Seems to have finally severed the relationship, it's only been 20 days.
I too, want to do everything I can and then some to show her how much I love and care for her.But I need to wait and that is so hard.
My advise: Stay with MB and read and learn. It looks like a great place for support. This is my first post so take it for what it is worth.
Mark10/13/96 how long did it take before you started to relax and feel good about progress or did you?
Zoey you sound like someone who could shed a lot of light on thigs for me. Her EA went on for 18 mo. What can I expect if I sit back and wait?
Thanks for both of your insightful and supportive remarks.
Me BS 47
She WS 46
Married 23yrs
3 kids

Confused-man and LPS,

I've copied a url from my very first post. Read it and you may get some answers.
web page

If this doesn't work go to the "search" portion at the top of this page and type in Mark10/13/96 in the search words field. Then go to search forum section and put in "in recovery". I'm plastered all over there. Go form oldest to newest posts.

I'll check in later and see if you have any specific questions that I may answer.

LPS. How long did it take me to relax? Wow. Well I guess that I stopped "freaking out" after a couple of weeks. Your never fully relaxed though. AS for seeing signs that what I am doing is working well it is an ongoing process. Just take things day by day and concentrate on yourself for now. The rest will come in time.

I hope this helps. I'll be back later.

CM,
Im so happy Mark stopped by to help you.

(Mark, the link doesn't work and I did search for your oldest thread and story but that search system got me so fustrated and wouldn't work).

ConfusedMan, Mark is a BS going through the same thing. I think he can help you the best. How are things going today? Have you been able to talk anymore to your wife? You can come here daily and post as much as you like. This place is a safe haven for us all. There is always someone that can help you here even if you just need to vent some.

Im admire you for being able to know what you need to do to work on the marriage, lots of people never admit they have a problem and so the problem never gets fixed. I think you are going to be fine. Please let us know how we can help.

TO LPS
Hi, Well initially its going to be tough. I say give her space, don't ask too many questions and make it safe for her to come talk to you. Don't expect alot because right now she is as you say coming out of withdrawal. She will be also dealing with lots of guilt and shame and that is terrible to deal with. Come here and learn all that you can. Don't go overboard showing her stuff because sometimes that can be smothering. Just take it slow and if you get a chance do a search on Mark's threads (he posted here). He is doing a great plan.

My plan was a bit different. My H didn't do it the whole MB way so it was tougher for me but do what works best for you. If you have any questions, please let me know. I will answer the best I can.

Bless you
Zoey

OK lets see if this works. I'm trying to put a couple of my posts here for you to look at and see that a crazed maniac like me can progress bit by bit after DDay.

[email]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=008204[/email]

[email]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi[/email]

Hope this works.

Confused Man

Just copy and paste those links in your address bar. they work :-)

Please let us know how you are doing today.

Zoey

Thanks to all for the support!

I feel so stupid...I've never been so emotional or cried so much in my entire life. Zoey, I was still on this site when you replied this morning and started crying like a baby after reading your first sentence. I promised my wife that I would not tell anyone (besides our church leaders and an MC) so I've felt all alone. Just knowing that all of you are out there and understand what I'm going through gives me hope.

To answer all of your questions:

1) No, we haven't taken the EN questionaire yet as I just found this site late last night. But we definitely will.

2) She expressed that I hadn't been fulfilling any emotional needs. Upon serious reflection, I came to a realization that she right.

3) No, she didn't show me the email she sent him. She told me about it the next day. They had been calling each other every morning and emailing/instant messaging late at night (she told me it was a different friend so I didn't think anything of it).

4) She had repeatedly said that she isn't ready to cut off all communication with him, although she did say that she wouldn't meet with him again. She appears to feel horrible for what she has done, but thinks that she doesn't need to stop talking to him. It's possible that he won't want to talk to her again...but I don't know.

5) We are making an appointment with a MC tomorrow.

This morning I told her that I had been reading a bunch of stuff on the web and everyone agrees that there can be no contact between them. But she didn't respond. A little later she began to express why she has been feeling the past 3 years. I came to a realization that I have totally neglected her emotions/feelings and completely understand why she sought out someone to talk to (although I don't agree with her choosing an ex-boyfriend).

Today at church someone sat down next to us that was wearing the same cologne that he does. As soon as she smelled it she plugged her nose and ran to the bathroom. All day I have been expressing my feelings (on how she looks, what I love about her, etc) and her comment has always been something like "you never let me know this before" or "I used to try so hard to make you open up to me, but now I've lost that desire."

I don't think that she has a real big desire to mend our relationship...because I've hurt her so bad in the past. One of her comments was "if you had done this a year ago we would be fine right now." She's probably just going to the MC with me this week because our church leaders recommended it. I would do absolutely anything to make this work, but she doesn't feel the same way. She tried so hard these past years that she finally had enough and gave up.

What's "killing" me the most is the idea that we might not be able to salvage our marriage. I would do anything to take back the hurt that I've caused her the last few years, but all I can do now is change the way I am from now on. The thought that, no matter how hard I try, it may not work out is tearing me up.

Thanks again for your replies and support. If I hadn't found this site last night I would have exploded!

To CM- Be carefull Bud. I don't know if I'd be so quick to beat yourself up. I was the same way and after 5 or 6 sessions w/ the MC I learned that she is human after all and just as capable of screwing up the relationship as I am. After all she made the move you didn't. There's a problem there and it's good that you see it but also see that she saw it too and took the wrong road to avoid it. If she is willing to see the MC w/ you, that's a good thing. It's still real early. Your challenge now is to wait and work hard at waiting.
I'll say a prayer and you should too- lots of them- there is an amazing amount of power there.
Good Luck.

CM

Several things come to my mind on this.

1. Good that you realize you neglected her. Not an excuse for her to turn elsewhere but it happened. Now that she made that connection with the OM, its hard to let go. That is normal for many WS (not my case) but for many it is. They are scared they will let go of OM, recommitt to the marriage and again be left feeling alone and neglected.

2. Don't overload her with compliments. It will seem like just that...that you are JUST saying it now to save the marriage. You have got to use much more than words. ACTIONS my friend. Actions speak louder than words. Make a list of what you have NOT been doing, start doing it slowly. Don't go overboard or she won't believe you. She will think you are just doing it to keep her. Talk to her. Tell her you need to know from her what the needs are. Take that EN thing. That will help so much. You may not even realize what exactly her needs are. We get so comfy being married. We forget.

3. There must be NO CONTACT. If she is serious or wants this to work. NO CONTACT. Any contact with the OM will make matters worse. She must make the decision to have ZERO contact with the OM. There is harm in simple instant messaging. It keeps the EA ALIVE AND BREWING.

4. Glad to hear you are going to MC. You both need it. I feel that you can make this. Don't think you are doomed.

My H told me once when EARLY in recovery when he was still angry and upset, that if you think you are doomed you are doomed. I never forgot that sentence. You MUST think positive and you must work hard. Yes you will cry. That is normal. Its not over yet my friend. You have all the help you need here too.

YOU can make this marriage work but it will take the two of you!

I will check on ya later
Zoey

Do start on a Plan A...
...and checkout my posts on these:

Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 201

Additionally...
...you can not stop her from doing what she wants to do...
...it doesn't work that way.

Just be honest with her... that if any contact is to continue between her and the OM....
...in time your love for her will diminish... to the point where... the marriage will simply die...
...and that the option of divorce will destroy all concept of life time commitment (her's for sure).

Read all you can here...
...and do start on a serious Plan A...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

CM,

Glad you had a chance to read more of this site. LPS is correct. Stop beating yourself up for this. I know much easier said than done. It took me two months to stop.

This morning I told her that I had been reading a bunch of stuff on the web and everyone agrees that there can be no contact between them. But she didn't respond. A little later she began to express why she has been feeling the past 3 years. I came to a realization that I have totally neglected her emotions/feelings and completely understand why she sought out someone to talk to (although I don't agree with her choosing an ex-boyfriend).

You may want to be careful of how you are telling her about this site and all of the great info here. Don't make her feel that she has to edjucate herself to this stuff. One of my biggest mistakes. She will feel pressured and you don't want to do that. Also try not to tell her that everyone agree's with you that there should be NC. Even though NC is an absolute must, you can't be "demanding" of this with her right now. Have the MC do that instead. If she thinks all the world is against her she might move farther away from you emotionally. Kind of like a cornered animal. Deep down she does know that if the two of you are going to make your marriage work there isn't room for the OM. In my case I did something that I thought was necessary and emailed my WW's OM from her email account. The next day when my wife found out it totally blew up in my face. She said "It is up to me to decide whether or not to stop talking with OM and/or work on our marriage!" I put her in a corner and she came out swinging. Not good. It made her feel even worse about her lies and how she was acting. It humiliated her. In effect I drove her closer to OM at the time.

You seem very similar to me in the regard that you neglected your M. Took it for granted so to speak. My wife said the same things. If only I did this earlier we wouldn't be here now. So what is done is done. You can't change the past.

I don't think that she has a real big desire to mend our relationship...because I've hurt her so bad in the past. One of her comments was "if you had done this a year ago we would be fine right now." She's probably just going to the MC with me this week because our church leaders recommended it. I would do absolutely anything to make this work, but she doesn't feel the same way. She tried so hard these past years that she finally had enough and gave up.

Yet again very similar. She is hurt from the past. She probably can't think of any good times you had only the bad. She isn't going to show you a big desire to work on your M right now, but take what you can get. She is going to MC with you. This is good. Make sure the MC talks with both of you and doesn't focus on a session without a good dialog. My WW tried for years to get closer to me. I can remember each and every time right now. Then I just heard her but didn't listen. She is in withdrawl stage right now. If you have been following MB then you know you'll have to get her back to the conflict stage. Then you have a chance. I know you want to tell her how much you love her and how much you are changing. You are going to have to slow it down though. The day that I had my epiphany or "woke up" I was different. I did a 180 overnight. That freaked my wife out. She couldn't put all these new actions with my face. It was too much for her to take. She probably thought that I was doing this just to save our M and that I would revert to my old ways once I got her back. Well, my news flash was it might be too late. You both have alot to work on as individuals before you can work on your M. This took her three years to get this way. You won't be able to change everything in a couple of weeks. Work on yourself first. Make the changes you need to make regardless of your M.

You both have trust issues to work on. For you, you will have to trust her to be faithful and honest. For her, she is going to have to trust you with her love again. This will take time. I know.

If you don't really know what EN's you might not have fullfilled for her try this. I have been doing individual phone counselling with Dr. Harley for a couple of weeks now. On our first call he wanted me to take the Love Buster questionaire and pretent I was my wife filling it out. By the time I got done with it and checked it twice I would have left me as well. I learned alot from that excorsize. Zoey was right about having the both of you fill out the EN questionairs as well as the LB questionaires. Your wife may not be ready for this right now. So be careful on how you approach her with it. Don't rush her into anything that she isn't ready for.

Time and patience will get you through this. Take it one day at a time and try to make tomorrow better than today. If you work on you and don't tell her your making the changes she will notice. She may not say she does or act like it but she will. Zoey is 100% correct that actions speak louder than words. It took me a long time to realize this but it works. Slowly but it does work. Have a good night and think about what you are going to do different tomorrow. If you need anything just write it down and I'll do my best to help along with everyone else here.

It's really hard not to beat myself up over this...but I think that I'm starting to level out. I'm not crying as much as before and my mind isn't "playing a video" of them doing stuff together much anymore. I still have tough moments, but the time between them is increasing. My fear is that I'm concealing my feelings instead of dealing with them. And I know that that can be harmful in the long run.

I did run into a problem this morning. Like I mentioned previously, I had been looking into computer monitoring software, but never actually used it. Unfortunately, I did install a trial version and forgot to uninstall it after I decided not to use it. She restarted our computer this morning and it came up (since I hadn't configured it I guess it wasn't in "stealth mode"). She called me today and asked why I was spying on her. She said that she didn't want to be babysat. I had to explain that when I got it I was desperate and didn't know what to do. But that I had never actually monitored anything. She seemed to trust me...but I'm sure that it has made a "withdrawl" from her love bank (if I said that wrong here's my disclaimer: I'm still reading the articles on this site so I don't have all of the lingo down yet).

I printed the questionaires last night, but she didn't want to fill them out. I'm going to do them this evening. It would really help if I could know what she needed. Mark, thanks for the advice...I'm going to fill it out like I was her so that I can have something to go by until she is ready to fill it out.

My main problem right now is that I hate waiting. I always want to talk about it and am not letting her have time to deal with her feelings. I promised her last night that I would not bring it up as much and wouldn't ask so many qestions. I just don't want to mess anything up worse than it already is!!!

Thanks for everything!

CM- A little suggestion from a guy in your shoes. For us it's been 29 days since DDay2 and a month and a half of counseling- hold off on the EN for her. I think you'll find that if she has consented to NC then it will be a couple weeks- minimum- B4 she will be ready for anything like that. Her withdrawal is gonna take time. I feel your pain from the waiting standpoint as well. I too am a talker and want to get the issues out and start down the recovery road. But my experience and folks like Mark and Zoey have told me that time is your best friend as well as your source of strife right now. Try to deal, say some prayers and look to keep yourself healthy and sane.
Good Luck.

CM,

My main problem right now is that I hate waiting. I always want to talk about it and am not letting her have time to deal with her feelings. I promised her last night that I would not bring it up as much and wouldn't ask so many qestions. I just don't want to mess anything up worse than it already is!!!

OK good for you!! Just wait a few days if you can without asking about relationship stuff. I know it is hard as heck but find something else to do. Just by her telling you that she doesn't want to do the questionaires should give you a clue she wants to rest on this topic for a bit. I did the same thing. I gave my wife the stuff to fill out when she wanted. She never did nor has she since she came back home. I just stopped all "edjucational" stuff with her. Dr. Harley told me never try to edjucte the ws. It won't work. Give it a break for a while.

The waiting sucks!! I'm still waiting every day for a breakthrough. You know what? Your never going to get that breakthrough. I just look for the slightest bit of a sign that what I'm doing is working. It may be a hug (big sign. I don't get many of those), smile, actual converastion about anything, or simply just a "have a good day" remark. This is a very gradual process. I know I've said it on just about every post I've made here but get the mind set that you are trying to make tomorrow just a little better than today. Your not perfect and will LB every once in a while. Now that your reading up on all this stuff you'll be able to keep that to a minumum. If you have a question as to a question you want to ask your wife or an action you want to take, come here and see how other people feel about it. I do. Heck, I ask people stuff like that all the time. Right now I'm asking on another post if I should tell my wife "I love you" at night as I tuck her into the spare bedroom. I know it may be a LB to do so but I'm asking other peoples advice becuase I'm trying to weigh the risk vs. reward thing. So if you have a question come her and ask. Take what you think will work for you and go with it. Not everything is going to come out smelling like roses. There is no playbook for what we are going through. It is all trial and error. So try it out here first to get a group perspective.

You will do fine. Keep working on yourself for yourself and stay away from marriage talk for a couple of days. See what happens.

Thanks again! I have definitely decided to do my best at not bringing it up for a while. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible just now...

She emailed me a little while ago and said that the OM had come over this morning. He didn't come in, but they talked outside for a while. I immediately called her and we spoke for over an hour. She doesn't know if she has anything left to give. She feels that she's given everything these past few years and is drained. I tried to assure her that there's hope and that I have faith in us, but she said that she doesn't.

She's tired of being confused and is as impatient as I am. I tried to bring up some good times. I asked what moments stuck out in her mind as being good and she said the best she had felt with me was our trip to Disneyland. So now I want to drop everything, save up for a month, and go to Disneyland in February. What do you think about this? Is that being too desperate?

She actually read some stuff from the website that I had downloaded (about NC) but told me that she isn't ready to do a lot of it. The thing is...every so often it seems like deep down inside she is trying to make us work. But I don't want to get my hopes up...

CM,

I don't have a bunch of time right now to answer some stuff for you on your last post. Check back tonight. You seem very close to my situation about 2 months ago. Very close. All isn't lost but you may have harder times to get through first. I'll get back to you later. Hang in there and smile.

CM,

Sorry for the delay. I had to post my own rant sessoin tonight. Ok now to you.

I immediately called her and we spoke for over an hour. She doesn't know if she has anything left to give. She feels that she's given everything these past few years and is drained. I tried to assure her that there's hope and that I have faith in us, but she said that she doesn't.

All normal. She doesn't know if she has anything left to give. Believe her. She doesn't know. I heard the same exact thing. I'm still hearing to to a point. She feels that she tried to get your attention over the years and you didn't see it. You heard her but didn't listen. Right? Same with me. You can't change the past. In fact the more you tell her you have hope right now this may be putting more pressure on her to have hope as well.

She's tired of being confused and is as impatient as I am. I tried to bring up some good times. I asked what moments stuck out in her mind as being good and she said the best she had felt with me was our trip to Disneyland. So now I want to drop everything, save up for a month, and go to Disneyland in February. What do you think about this? Is that being too desperate?

Yea she is probably tired as well as you. I'm exhausted as well as my wife. Bringing up good time was good. She can remember then that was even better. As for the trip back to Disneyland, I would make sure she wants to do that as well. Don't surprise her or you may be dissapointed. Remember, don't have any expectations right now either way. Live day to day. They are all going to be different. You'll find everyday brings a new challenge you haven't accounted for yet.

She actually read some stuff from the website that I had downloaded (about NC) but told me that she isn't ready to do a lot of it. The thing is...every so often it seems like deep down inside she is trying to make us work. But I don't want to get my hopes up...

Well that is good she read some stuff. Don't expect miricals just because she did. My wife read some case studies of WW and told me that she didn't see any similarities with our situation. This was a week after I found out about OM. What I was actually doing was trying to edjucate her. Big no no. You have provided her with the tools and where to get the info. Leave it at that. If she wants to go check on it then let her do it in her own time. Unfortunetly you can't force her to do this no matter how good your intentions are.

If you see her changing for the better as you said and she is trying to make this work then you are in a very good place. Just let her do it at her own pace. Frustrating slow. In the meantime keep working on yourself knowing that your wife may not acknoledge it for a while. This whole Plan A thing is really for you anyway. The by product is, hopefully, your wife takes notice and wants to be with the new man you are becoming. Day by day it will get better. You seem to be in a good place and have alot going for you to have a good recovery. I wish you well. Take care.

CM,

Just checking to see how you are. Haven't heard from you in a while. I hope all is well with you.