Sorry about your pain. But to blame yourself for her actions is not right. SHe know the difference between right and wrong. She also has the power to help change your relationship with your help also. Try to remember there is no excuse for infidelity. The relationship had to get to that point because of both of you, not simply because you weren't meeting her needs, as you claim. Lighten up on yourself. If she has nothing to hide than ask her to read what they talk about on the internet. I have been there, my husband did the same thing to me. I knew something was wrong, he became obsessed with the computer and I turned my head the other way. Now I don't trust him and I wished I knew the entire truth instead of what he claims is the "truth". If I had to do it over again, I would have been aggressive in my questioning and decided that as his wife I had a right to know what the hell was going on!!!

Good luck and the pain does gradually get better..I'll say a Hail Mary for you!

It's been a few days since I've been able to come here (New Years and all). Mark and serina, thanks for the help and concern! We've been doing a little bit better. Lately we haven't been talking about it that much, which has decreased the amount of time that I dwell on it. I made an appointment with a MC for 2 weeks from now (that was the earliest available at night).

Last night we decided that we would go to the gym together tonight, but when I got home she said that she was going to the store. I asked about the gym and she said that she forgot. The weird thing is, she was curling her hair...which she only does for church or when we go out on the weekends. When I asked why she was curling her hair, she said that she needed to do it tonight for tomorrow (I didn't quite understand her). So I asked if she wanted to go as a family, but she said that she wanted to go alone. She then said that she could tell that I was suspicious, but I didn't want to smother her so I said that I was just wondering. As she was walking out the door she said that she would be a while, and asked if I would mind. I said that I didn't, but I can't help but think the worst.

Should I have asked her if she was going to see him? Should I ask when she gets back? Or should I hold off and trust her to tell me if she does? I don't want her to feel that I'm babysitting her, because it would push her away. Yet I can't help but wonder... I hate not being able to trust her!

Anyway, thanks to all for the support. By the way, I've seen a big change in my kids' attitude toward me! A few days ago I was going to get some food and our oldest gave me a hug and said that she loved me...she hasn't done that in a long time! I now read them a story every night and am not so grouchy. So at least I know that I'm doing good so far.

Thanks again!

Well, last night had its ups and downs.

Ups:
We went to dinner and a movie together for the first time in a while. We both enjoyed it, for the most part.

Downs:
After asking if she has had any contact with OM, she said that she spoke to him briefly on the phone and he has emailed her once or twice (all of this since their last conversation that she told me about). She said that she meant to tell me, but got busy and forgot to. Upon hearing this I got really hurt. I started to get a little upset, saying that if she really didn't want to hurt me then she wouldn't communicate with him. I composed myself after a couple of minutes...but the "damage" had already been done. It didn't ruin the entire night (this was during the drive between dinner and the movie), but I don't know how to calmly tell her how much it hurts that she still communicates with him. And now I have a greater desire to start monitoring her emails.

<As a side note, it's been 2 weeks since she told me.>

She said she feels bad that I'm trying so hard and doesn't want to do anything to give me false hope. She also said that she wishes she hadn't lost her feelings for me, but doesn't know if she even wants to get them back. That's what is the hardest to deal with. If she wanted to regain her lost feelings then we could work on it, but she doesn't even want to. I have to admit, this has started to make me think this won't work out. I'm trying to keep my hope up, but it's tough when she doesn't even want to try and won't stop communicating with him.

Either way, I just had to blow off some steam. Thanks for listening (or reading, I guess)!