Well he left on the 24 and came back on the 25th. He said he would be gone a few days. I was kind of hoping he would be. Anyway we talked again. At first it was going to be over but then after talking more we decided to give it another try. He told me he would cut all contact with the other person. The last few days we have been talking fine and we actually went shopping and out for lunch. Here is the problem. I know that he has not cut contact yet. I dont know what to do. I know that everything he is telling her is lies. I know that they wont be able to physically see eachother for now and probably for a very long time. I know that I cant make him cut contact and I know we cant move on until he does. What do I do. Just wait and hope it fizzles out? or do I confront him again? What do I do?

dear hurt- you are not alone! there are many people here going through the exact same thing. read all you can and start plan a. plan a is about you. start working on you. you cannot force an end to their affair. work on making yourself stronger, and have patience. unfortunately it takes a lot of time. keep posting and talking.

ONLY my personal opinion: I agree with nikko, now is the time to work on you. You can't control what another does or doesn't do. HOWEVER...I would also inform WH in a non-anger statement (very calm without anymore to say) that I know he has not ended contact and that until he does...neither of you will be able to work on the marriage. jmho

hurtandalone,

I agree w/ the above posts. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Just don't LB when you do it.

You can't demand NC, but you can ask for it and show him that it is worth his while to do so.

I don't know if I agree with all of MB principles...I don't think BS's need to be doormats! We were cheated on!!! My H and I were in same spot, he cheated...I didn't!

I have every right and so do most of BS's to demand that my H choose and I mean right away! This is adultery...against law, remember?!

It's also a sin for you religious folks. Morally wrong, ethically wrong...I could go on forever!

All of us parents need to also ask ourselves, what being enablers does to our children. Don't we as parents teach our children the difference between right and wrong, about lying, cheating, etc!

Our spouses with their cheating are taking away most important life lessons we've jointly taught our kids. Our kids range in age from 4-21 (all but 4 yr old adopted). We always in past taught them all right things and provided them with living examples...we've now rocked their worlds!!!

Of the 5 kids all have been very impacted with expection of 9 year old...he's oblivious.

4 yr old seeing daddy kiss OW started off my H's confession. My 4 yr old until recently lived in terrible fear that daddy going to leave and marry OW. He reverted to tantrums and neediness of 2 yr old. This has been one of best things for my H's speedy recovery..he loves son more than life itself.

Each of our teenage daughters (3 of them) have always felt her parents had best marriage and were the most moral and ethical people they knew. They've expressed anger and disappointment with my H and same with me. Him for obvious reasons...how he hurt all of us, chose to do wrong at all costs to us, preached to them all these years about doing right thing and if mess up need to own up and earn back trust (he owned up to affair and then briefly broke NC rule..no sex just talking),etc.

As for me...my 18 yr olds BF (father of her child) cheated on her several times and I lectured her strongly about not tolerating this, stand up for herself, respect herself, etc. She is very disappointed for me for not practicing what I preached (didn't really want me to leave her father, they all believe is a great man and made terrible mistake). Thinks I acted weak and like a hypocrite.

We've explained to all of them that what he did was wrong and they know the links to which we are going to fix things but bottom line is their world will never be the same!!

I'll ask my H to add his perspective later.

Please think of all this while making decision about whether to allow your spouses to "have their cake and eat it to for awhile"!