Well guess what .. Sis told her H Monday eve about what happened, He is livid...HE emailed me and pretty much sounded like he wanted t0 kill my H. I guess what it made me feel was, ONE: I understand but when he said next time he sees him he is going to hit him, I thought what is that going to solve>?? I wanted to hit them both.. BOTH. But what would that have done for me honestly? Given me a sore hand? He called me last night because I told him I thought he should know the whole story. What was going on earlier in the eve and actually what all happened that I saw/heard until the "event" happened./ I am glad that she told him cuz she needed to but I also do not think she was totally honest.. I was really mad at them both.For me it was double betrayal He seemed really really mad at my H. He said that as long as they were together which he wsnt for sure if they were going to be ( they do have 3 small children ) That she would never step foot in my house again. I am not ready to have her here yet BUT when I am ready to choose to forgive he will not allow it to happen. He said things will never be the same.. No doubt but I said to him that I love my nephews,, I did nothing and that if any of us even have chance we have to get to a point where we can forgive ( not forget ) to move forward.... what can I say to him? I am angry too.. I am still very hurt and I have not forgiven my H yet. It kills me that he is telling me that she will never come here again. Also I do not think it is fair that he blames My H for the nost part which it def sounds like... My sis not only was caught kissing w/ my H but I just found out she kissed another guy at the club that night and was trying to kiss my sons friend. She has issues that need to be resolved. I hated having to tell him all that but she was being really out of control I feel that night.. NO my H is not blameless in thier KISS.. he did it too.. But I do feel you cannot blame one more than the other which is what it sounds like BIL is doing.. any ideas??? thx L

Give BIL a bit to settle down. While what happened in your case involved two people who you love very much, it's very unlikely that BIL has the same feelings towards your H being they are only BIL's as you have towards your sister.

It's pretty normal in the beginning to want to put the majority of the blame/fault on the OP, as the rage is so out of control...and you can't let it lose on your spouse. So, you direct it to the OP, someone who you might not even know at all, or only slightly, this not being your situation, however.

Now, in most cases, this is a healthy way of dealing with this first wave of anger. As it protects your spouse from it and they are the ones you're haveing to face each day...and it's unlikely to truly effect the OP.

But, this is a betrayal within the family...so you do need to warn your H what BIL has said...just in case. Hopefully, this is just pain and anger talking and that's all that will come of it.

It's going to be very hard for everyone to develop any type of normal relationships of BILs/SILs as some mighty big mistakes have been made...but time can do wonders.

As you said, you're not ready yet anyway...so just wait until you are before you even worry about crossing that bridge. Do NOT put more pressure on yourself right now. You've got enough to deal with.

Good Luck!

Do you think that my H should apologize to BIL?? he is willing to do just about anything at this point. I am just not sure if it would be a good idea.. I realize that BIL is angry, I have been there.. when I was talking to him last night it almost seemed as if he was angry at me.. How could you let her go out, I shouldnt have let her come to your house etc.. He is a wrestling coach and this time of year he is gone alot.. She comes to visit me several times when he is out of town just to have somehting to do with the kids.. Not sure what is rigt at this point...

Well, I'm not sure either. My first thought is that your BIL is going to need some time to work through some of his anger and pain. Having your H have any contact with him, might not be the best idea.

However...IF...your BIL should contact your H, yes, he should apologize and he should NOT put all the fault on your sister. They BOTH were stupid! A short HEART FELT apology is in order...when BIL is ready to listen to it. Till then...you two just work on your marriage and let them work on theirs. jmho

I fully understand the position your H and sis put your family in... it's really tough! My H would still like to appologize to my BIL, but since my BIL is in denial about what my sister did to him, he won't listen. (it's been almost 8 months)

My mom was put in a really difficult position... choosing between her two daughters... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Although my mom still has contact with my sister, I am the one who is invited to family functions (WITH my H), and other plans are made with my sister.

My family is not over what happened, but they know it was not MY fault. They all had a rough time dealing with my H in the beginning, but as time has gone by, things are getting better (although probably never the same...) They realized that staying with my H was MY decision, NOT theirs... and they had to learn to accept that.

Does the rest of your family know what happened??? How do they feel about it?

When I read your post when you mentioned your sister has issues, I thought for a second we might have the same sister... but issues or not, what she did (and my sister did) was WRONG!!! My sister was always competing against me... for whatever... family attention, my past boyfriends' attention, anyones attention... How was your relationship with your sister before this??? My sister was mentally abusive to me, and called me all the time to say things like "how do you know he (my H) is where he says he is?"... OUCH.. he was with her!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
or even "he is not as good to you as you think he is!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Please believe me when I say that things WILL get better... unfortunatly it takes time... (for me it is taking FOREVER because my sister won't admit her part in it...) Concentrate on YOU and your M... don't worry about her and her H... Whatever they decide to do does not matter!!!

Stay strong!
mc needs your help
(hubby had affair with MY SISTER!!!)

Mc.... My sister and I had a great relationship prior to this . Actually closer than the other sisters. we have never had any problems... She and I would spend alot of time together when ever I was in town or she was here visiting.. All my friends her elove her to death etc. We even worked together at the same job before I moved away. I am very close to her children. That is one reason that this is so difficult.. I really do believe NOW, that they really did just caught up in drunken momoent of idiacy and lack of self control, Does not in any way excuse it.. Her issues I think are simply she likes attention. almost always is COA but in a funny way,, not like this ever..Not saying that there were not a few time when she has had tyo much to drink that she hasnt gotten a little flirty if out at a club with the girls but NOT anything more thna dancing with a guy or something. I am just so confused.. My H has never acted like this either. I have never seen him flirty when drinking at all.. He is the type that talks to everyone but not flirty..My neice who is more like a sister to us is the only one thta knows as far as I know,, She is totally not taking sides although I think she is there for my sis more because they see each other everyday,, That is ok.. She called me and told me she knew and that she blames them both equally and that she would never hold it against either.. I was glad to hear that because if and when I choose to forgive I need to know others who know are ready to move forward too,, BIL will be a different matter,, I do not even know if he will go to cpounseling with sis, says he doesnt have a problem.. Anyway I wish there wa a way yo get through to him because he will be the reason we cannot move forward, I know it,, I want my family back to the way it was prior to this.. we had so much fun together,, Vacations at the beach every summer.. Holidays just everything, I miss it already..... i know it takes time / I guess I am just not a very patient person...

My H was never a flirty guy either, actually he is a very serious kind of guy, but he still got caught up in the attention from her. My sister and I spent a lot of time together too... she lived down the street from me!!! (I have since moved away) I'm not saying that what happened with your H and sister was not a freak accident... I don't know, I was not there... you can only go on your gut instinct! I have had drinks around both of my BIL's, and have not ever ended up kissing one of them!!! Would you kiss someone you were not attracted to? I only say this to protect you from any more pain. You need to think hard about keeping your H and sister away from each other fora while... in time you will know what is right for you.

You will never get your old life back... but what you could get is a life that's even better!!! My H and I are closer now than when we dated!!! You and your H can/will have that too, if it's what you both want! (and it sounds like it is!)

Be strong, and take care of yourself... The rest WILL fall into place, slowly (I know... being patient really sucks!)

It DOES get better!!!

-mc

I hope your right MC..

i just wanted to update....It has been 4 weeks . I am still horribly saddened and in pain from the event. I thought maybe things would get easier.. Some days have been better than others but last night it just hit me again like a ton of bricks. I cried half of the night. I mean sobbed.It made me wake up feeling sick and looking like crap with these puffy eyes.. I do not know how long I can live like this.. I feel so empty inside.. I am unavble to show him any signs of affection... I have none to show.. I am so lonely. I cannot reach out for a hug, a hand.. He tries all the time.. I am like emotionless.. Last night I kept asking God " WHY ME"

Ilhoo --

You are where you need to be. There are no universal timetables for recovery. One month into your healing and at least you can say, "Some days have been better than others." Many don't get that far in three months.

It will take as long as it takes -- not an undesirable thing since you want the recovery to be as comprehensive and solid as possible. I can see your progress throughout your month of posts, your strength and clarity and ability. You're gonna make it through this darkness and emerge an even better person with an even better marriage and family.

Try to avoid the "should" syndrome ("I should show affection. I should feel emotion, etc") and simply take a deep breath and accept where you are. You are not "there" yet; you are not ready to feel and do those things yet. Give yourself a break here--you've suffered a massive wound, one which is as physically stressful as it is emotional. When you are in that other place, you will feel it and you will know it--and it will happen!

You have an H who cares so much about you: "he tries all the time." That remorse and concern goes a long way to restoring all the things you want back in your life. That's a huge positive for you!

"WHY ME?" -- Because you will benefit the most from this experience. You are never given more than you can handle. Singled out? Perhaps, but in the ultimately best-possible way as you stand to gain the most. I wish you well.

Ammon

I think that I am to a point that it is becomeing extremely difficult not having the ability to be able to be affectionate, It is just this emptiness that is followed by a feeling of failure. I feel as though my life as it was has been taken out from under my feet and I just want it back. I am tired.. I am weakened and I just do not know how to regain my strength as I have never in my life experienced this kind of pain.. My sister is going to counseling next week for the first time.. I am going to Cincy ( where I am from and where she lives ) next week to take my son to his dads for his weekend visitation. I am so dreading it.. I used to look forward to going "home" for these visits now it only makes me feel the hurt again because I have to face the realization of not being able to go to see my sister and her family who was always first on my list for visits.. My other sister has been asking me questions as to why my sis ( who H kissed) and I have not been speaking.. She noticed it when I called my nieces house the other night.. I was short with her.. I couldnt help it.. It was awkward for me.. Now I have to have all these questions asked of me.. What do I tell them??? You see I am just having great difficulties with this.. What do I do?? What do I say>?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

llhoo --

I can feel how much this hurts you, how difficult this is for you. Just know that it isn't you who has failed and been weak; it's all about H and sister. They made the wrong choices here, not you. Remember that when you're feeling at your lowest.

Are you generally a "giver?" Another piece of this is that, for now, you can't interact that way with either H or sister. These people are still significantly in your life and those feelings and abilities will return over time. Remember that this whole recovery thing is a process and must run its course. "The patience of a saint" may be what's needed here. You still have the ability, the capacity to give, just not the means--for now!

"I am tired...I am weakened and I just do not know how to regain my strength as I have never in my life experienced this kind of pain." -- I hear you. Know that we are with you to sit with you whenever you need it and to walk with you along this tortuous pathway.

"My sister is going to counseling next week for the first time." -- A very good thing! Maybe you would consider this also, maybe some mild short-term AD's? There is help available in a more concrete form.

Why aren't you able to confide in your other sister? "I was short with her. I couldn't help it." -- perfectly understandable, and maybe a good opportunity to bring it all out in the open. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, really. Awkward? Yes. Comforting and supportive? Yes.

"What do I tell them?" -- The truth is a good place to start. Wouldn't you want to know if a friend or someone in your family was having major problems? They'd be hurt to be kept out of it.

You can do this, llhoo, you can get through the day and the pain. We're here for you...

Ammon

Amm........ Hubby and I have been in counseling . 3 sessions so far.. Not easy to get in for the appts.. We will continue to go...It seems we always get away from the issue though. Counselor said hub made a bad choise thinking it would be fun and he could get away with it.. Something to do with ego and said the ALCOHOL impaired his judgement.. he cannot seem to tell me why he did what he did,, i feel as though I need to know why .. I cannot explain that need to know.. It is just there.. Cannot get past that WHY WHY WHY THING I am afraid to tell them the truth ( other sis and family) Or maybe I am just embarrassed and humiliated, Who knows.. I just thought it best to keep it between Myself, H, sis and BIL...Its bad enough already I do not want the others to judge or feel they have to take sides with either one..I feel that it would only divide the family.. we all ( i have 8 siblings) have been very very close through our lives.. I am afraid.. THANKS for staying witg me on this., You are right.. this is my outlet !!!

llhoo --

Glad the two of you are in counseling, but I was thinking IC in addition. I guarantee you'll stay on the issue in a one-on-one IC session! = additional avenues of help for you.

Your H doesn't know why he did it, at least on a conscious level. A "why" answer from him may be a difficult path for you. Not impossible, not easy, but perhaps necessary to the overall health of your marriage. You want an answer and he can't give it to you--for now. Maybe an exploration together would help clarify. Ego and alcohol are all-too-convenient, even glib responses; it's got to run deeper than that. It's not a bad thing that you want an answer since the search is good for your relationship.

I certainly understand about your hesitancy and concern about telling your family. Again, I was looking for ways to help you get through this. It's good that you don't want people to judge or take sides, but this IS family and a crisis situation for you. Eight siblings! What a great group! Surely one of them could be expected to keep a confidence (just expanding your support network). Maybe keeping the circle too tight isn't as helpful to you in the long run, that the benefits of sharing could outweigh the risks of divisiveness.

Stay with us, llhoo, we're with you...

Ammon

I know that I am lucky to have 8 sibling but at the same time I do not want anyone else to be upset and to be honest after thinking about it for the past few days maybe I just do not want to face the whole embarassment of it all and have to relive it by telling it.. I already relive it each day in my head.. I have had other things going on in my life, several actually that have been keeping my mind focused on other things too (one is I am having a breast biopsy in the morn. keep me in your thoughts). Anyway then the whole sex thing is another issue, I miss the closeness of intimacy but keep pushing away from it.. Guess I am just still hurting.. I have a counseling session scheduled for tommorrow hopefully it will help but honestly what can he do that I am already not doing besides charge 150 bucks an hour?? I have not been in over 2 weeks. anyway. what kind of therapy can I myself do for me here at home???

llhoo --

You have my best wishes with tomorrow's biopsy and your counseling session. A biopsy is a scary thing but if there's a question, far scarier without one. You will definitely be in my thoughts tomorrow.

BTW, If you have to ask "what can he do that I am already not doing besides charge 150 bucks an hour," I'd say you're with the wrong counselor. Are you comfortable with him? Do you leave the session with homework and direction? If it's nothing but a "talking session" for you, you can do that here for free, and you'll get good feedback thrown in!

I'm glad you've been mulling over the option to confide. I think the very point that you "relive it each day in my head" speaks to the need for unburdening with people in your life who care about you. I understand that you feel that what has happened to you is embarrassing, but as an outsider, I don't see it that way. This is something that has happened to you, not something foolish or stupid that you did. Would you be embarrassed to tell a family member that a car ran into your fender as you were driving down the street? I know it's much more involved than that, but the point about you having been "in an accident" is valid, I think.

The "whole sex thing" is tied into the "whole trust thing." Until you feel more comfortable, "it's" not going to be comfortable. Give yourself time to heal. Intimacy is a natural by-product of your slowly rebuilding trust. Don't worry about a schedule; when it's time, it'll be time. "Guess I am just still hurting." -- exactly!

"What kind of therapy can I myself do for me here at home?" -- Actually, every time you post and read here, you're getting some. Read the articles on this site and others. A lot of wonderful books out there to be read and absorbed. The internet has made online therapy handy and accessible. Not as good as a one-on-one arrangement, IMHO, but certainly helpful.

Good luck with things tomorrow. Let us know how you've made out with everything. We're here for you...

Ammon

Ammon gives such great advice and support, I am hesitant to butt in...but wanted...ok...needed to respond to one of your needs...The "WHY?" need!

Your H may well be doing his upmost best to answer this question...but..you will NEVER get an answer that will satisfy you. You'll ALWAYS see other options which would have been simplier, easier, less harmful, more logical, more rational...etc. The answer to why...is because they were stupid!

Now, we know them as intelligent, caring, thoughtful men/women...and it doesn't make a bit of sense to us that they went and did something sooooo stupid, so uncaring, so unthoughtful....it just doesn't fit into who we know them to actually be. So we come back to "why?"!

When you get to the point in your healing path, where the "STUPID" answer is understandable, even if not acceptable...the "WHY?" question won't torture you so much.

Good Luck...listen to Ammon...great insight.

llhoo --

When I look up "great insight" in my dictionary, it says to look under "Just a wifey 2002"...

...and she's done it again! Read her most recent post, absolutely right on target!

llhoo, you're lucking-out here with her on board.

Ammon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by just a wifey 2002:
<strong>Your H may well be doing his upmost best to answer this question...but..you will NEVER get an answer that will satisfy you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree 100%. You will never get the answere you seek. You can ask it 10000000000000 times and never understand it. When you think you understand, his answer will twist in your mind into splinter questions that open a NEW can of worms. I think maybe time will make the question "why" will fade. People are just a higher level of animal, this is how i deal with the question "why?" and "how could you?" and i still cant forget it.

Hi llhoo
I was just reading your thread here and wondering how things are going now?

What if when your relatives ask about why you and your sis aren't speaking, you tell them to ask her??

Have you ever read, "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian? That book might help you to start praying for your husband and sister. That's a step that will move you toward healing from all the hurt they have caused you.

OH and for the puffy eyes, try using "Triple Action Eye Enhancer" by Mary Kay--it works magic on puffy eyes!!!