llhoo --

Haven't heard from you for a few days; hope everything's all right.

What were the results of your biopsy? How did your counseling session go (after a couple of weeks without one)?

Let us know how you're doing. We're still here for you...

Ammon

Hi all.. just checking back in. I was out of town this past weekend soo didnt get to get back sooner.. The biopsy went well. Wasnt too painful and got the results in just a few days.. It was good news..cancer free !! yippee.. one good thing.. Counseling session was ok... I get confused because I expect to walk out of there each time having all of my problems solved , Unrealistic I know.. We go together and i dunno I guess we just talk about the same stuff over and over.. I have been trying to do things that norrmal married couples do like make love. It just isnt there yet.. I feel bad because It makes me cry afterward. Its like I am sleeping with a stranger then when it is over I feel "cheap" Please someone explain this one to me.. It upsets me and then H too and it just seems like its not worth the emotional energy ( negative) that is occurimg afterward.. Why would I feel like I was a part of a one night stand>?? i have never done anything like that in my life ( one night stand) and i dunno.. It is just weird..

llhoo...great news about the medical scare! I know that must have been stressful.

As for sex...maybe you two need to do something different...depending on what your normal pattern is after making love...change it. Get up and check to make sure the doors are locked, or turn the tv on for a last check of the nightly news, snuggle up and TALK of something that is completely NOT "us" talk...whatever is different. Or change when you make love, if you normal make love at night...do it in the morning or afternoon. Change where you make love, try it in the car in the garage for a change, on the floor of the den (bathroom if kids are likely to catch you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Outside in the dark...be sure that the neighbors won't call the police! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Make it different!

Crying after sex isn't all that unusual in these cases in the beginning, so don't beat yourself up...just make a change. What you want to try to do is put yourself in a position where crying is not going to happen. If you're a little uncomfortable that might even help take your mind off crying (ie... worrying about being "discovered" by kids). Whatever works!

Hi IIhoo,

I know i have not been around much. Sorry about that.

I know for while, I didn't want my H to touch me. I would cringe at the thougth of it and it would repulse me. I started making the initiative towards the SF area. At first it felt ackward, as I kept doing it, it got better and better, now it feels very natural, and it is better than before. It takes time.

The first time my H and I were intimate after d-day, I cried soooo hard after that I thought I was going to explode!!! I had these visions of him and my "sister", and I felt like crap! As time went on, things became more "normal", but I will tell you, I do still have those damn visions!!! Then I start to wonder... how was "she"?? better than me??? Does he ever think of "her" when he's with me???

I know these thoughts are not helping my recovery, but they are there!!!

As for you and your H, you do whatever is right for you!!! There is nothing wrong with crying!!! It is a healthy release of stress!!! And if you can, talk to your H and tell him exactly what you are feeling after being intimate with him. I have found that communication with my H is sooooo much better now. It can be the same for you!

You are in my thoughts!

-mc

Hey all. It has been a week or soo and just wanted to touch base.. This week is kind of depressing me.. Its Valentines Day on Friday.. Usually i look forward to dinner with my H and just the whole "Love" thing. I just do not feel it this year. I have not been able to twll him that I loved him since all this happened. Like almost 7 weeks ago.. I miss the whole "love" thing.. I just do not feel it right now.. I am still numb with my feelings for him. I stil cannot reach out to him.. Its like its blocked,, I get so far then it just shuts off..I am still in counseling.. He said that it will get better when I learn to trust him again.. why do i have to be the one who has to "learn" all over again, I hate this.. It is too hard/ I do not trust him and another thing he said.. He said to trust is a choice I have to make. How can I just make a choice to trust when I just do not trust him?? Is it a choice?? Ok i choose to be rich tomorrow. is that going to happen??? I am getting so off track and more an d more confused as time goes on.. i though it would get better as days on.. Soem things do, Like I can loook at him and ssee his pain ( he has some issues going on with his children too ) I feel his pain.. But yet I cannot be there for him right now because of the walls. I am just at a loss here. Just when I think I can let him in a little I close down.. any ideas...

llhoo,

I know exactly what you are going through. My W is currently in an EA/PA…and I also know what your husband is going through, because I was in that same scenario…I kissed my wife’s sister while drunk! It could be that your husband IS telling you the truth about it. I know that I would have never kissed her (the way that we did), etc. if is it wasn’t for the alcohol.

You can see “my story” in a recent post “Is the Marriage Builders weekend worth going to? First time posting and I need HELP!” .

I would like to say seek counseling early…don’t think that you can handle it or that everything will be OK without counseling.

You mentioned, “My husband does not usually drink in a way that would make him act like that.” There may be more there (in drinking) than you know… Yes, he did take that extra step, and did cheat on you…just like I did. It is no excuse!!!! I know that I have been feeling guilty for many years, and it wasn’t until just a few day’s ago (because I talked to a addiction and mental health therapist…my W’s OM’s X) that I came to accept that the alcohol DID play a roll.

For me I did not drink all of the time, but when I did I would drink excessively (binge). I never knew that I had a problem (and neither did/does my W), because I always thought of alcohol problems as being dependencies, and alcoholism.

It may be a GOOD thing that you did catch them in the act, because now it can be addressed. For me, it took three separate incidences over a ten-year period, before I had to face my past. If you read my post, you know that I HAD to tell my wife on New Year’s Day 2000, because of an incident the evening before. The only connection that I could put on the events occurring was the drinking. I have completely eliminated drinking (even though I didn’t drink all of the time) and doing so was HARDER then I thought. I do feel that I am a better person for this.

I really feel for you, because I know the hurt that I caused my W. I again would like to mention seeking counseling. Hopefully, it will help you to deal with everything…with your H and your sister. Also, it may help uncover other problems that your H may have. Don’t ignore it and think that it will go away on it’s own. I wish that I sought counseling early…It would have addresses my problems…It would have helped my marriage…It probably would have prevented my W from having an EA/PA.

Good luck…Let me know if you have any questions as to what I said, or if you have further questions…I can’t answer for your H, but I can let you know how it applied to myself.

Sincerely,
WSD

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: Wife stll denying... ]</small>

Hey all.
Just letting you all know ( ammon. justawifey, sue with hope and others) I am sorry but I still need you ! I have been posting in other areas just because I am searching for answers anywhere I can get them.. I guess I still feel like i need guidence and what the heck is up with that.. It has ben 9 weeks and still feels like last week.. I have so many days that are up and down that this roller coaster ide is making me sick at my stomach.. hubby seems frustrated but know what , i am sorry .. he did this not me> I feel like he should be more than frustrated . My life is in turmoil..He reads this stuff too .. someone tell him that its not that easy when you have someone cheat on you.. you may be up one moment then filled with anger and resentment the next.. I try ... i try but I just cannot put it behind me yet... i just cannot.. Tell me what to do !!! PLEASE>>>>>>>>>>>> i need help .I feel like I am going crazy with anger and hepain.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Help me someone becuase I feel like I am alone !!

llhoo --

So glad you've checked back in with us; we were wondering how you've been. So you've deserted us for greener pastures, eh (lol)! Good to have you back here, even if it's only temporary.

You're forgetting the timetable; there isn't one! You sound as if you expect to be somewhere you're not, but it's not time to be there yet. When it's time, you'll be there. When the cake is done, it can come out of the oven...and not until. Sorry to say for most of us, nine weeks wouldn't even put a slight dent in the metal.

Nothing strange or unusual or odd about exactly where you are. It's not permanent as you're in transition, just travelling through, but passage does take a long time. There is little I can do when I'm driving a long distance to make the journey shorter or to eat up the miles faster. I just sit behind the wheel and steer and, after awhile, I'm there. So it is with you...after awhile, you'll be there. You are where you need to be, where you're supposed to be, for now.

Interesting that H is frustrated but your response is right on target: it is solely his fault and he is totally responsible for this massive injury to your relationship. Interesting also that he comes to this board (Welcome, H!). I wish more WS's would come here; we'd have a lot fewer BS's. I suspect he already knows that none of this is easy. Actually, it's not very easy for him either.

"I try ... i try but I just cannot put it behind me yet... i just cannot." -- Nope, you're not ready to do that yet. Frankly, rushing through some empty steps guarantees resurfacing problems in the future. When you're ready, when it's time, you'll know it. You have been dealt a massive blow; this may take months or even years, but it is a gradual healing, one that can't and shouldn't be rushed.

You're never alone on this board. We're always here 24/7 and even if one of us can't get back to you right away, just the act of writing and venting is immensely therapeutic and helps you to recover. So post anytime, llhoo, we're here for you...

Ammon

Glad to have you check in...agree as usual with Ammon! As we all know...Ammon rocks!!!!!

This is a process...and just like every other process you must go through each step completely or you don't get the finished product right.

This is still early, I know you and your H would like to be able to just snap your fingers and everyone would be feeling great and make to normal...but it doesn't happen that way!

Glad you've sought out some other avenues of support and ideas! We can all use all the help and support we can find....and information which can help us help ourselves.

God Bless!!