Recently my W told me she had strong sexual feeling for a friend of ours and wants to sleep with him. She thinks about him all the time now. She insists that she still loves me and wants to be married, but she wants this one experience. She has even offered to let me watch or join in!!! I don't know what to do. We have had our minor ups and downs in the past, nothing that no other couple hasn't gone through. But this is unexpected.Im afraid to leave her alone for fear that she's going to do somethiung, but Im also afraid that i'll become so controlling and suspisious of her that we'll ultimatly break up anyway. I love my wife. Please help.

One good thing. She's telling you all of this before anything has happened. IMO, you therefore have the ability to prevent this. She feels open and honest enough to tell your about this temptation.

The fantasy of having S with someone other than your spouse is best left at only that - a fantasy.
I watched a sex counsellor on TV (a very liberal one) advice that 3-somes always seem awesome in your mind, but that in real life they are seldom even fulfilling. No one thinks about the less desirable things such as what if OP goofs up, smells bad, is a serious disappointment. That's why fantasies are what they are. Everything can be just as you like it. Carrying this fantasy thought over into reality is another thing.

Ask her to think about the consequences, for example, what happens when the act is finished - an hour later, a day later, a month later. Will it all be worth it.

Treat this topic gently with her and try not to be too judgemental. Maybe what she's looking for is some variety that the two of you can do safely without OP and within the proper boundaries of M.

Other suggestions - complete EN's questionnaire on this site - very helpful. Lots of people here will respond to you and give you better direction than I can. Best of everything to you.

I have a strong need for a fix...
...I just want to have this one experience...

DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE???

NO!!!
NO!!!
NO!!!

Stand for truth!
Stand for commitment!
Stand for fidelity!
Stand for your marriage!

If your W is so disposed...
...she must be informed of the consequences...
...the testing for STDs and HIV...
...the loss of love she will surely receive from you...
...the breaking of the vow of fidelity.

Love is controlling... in the most loving sense of 'controlling' when it is there to protect the spouse from annilhiation!

You will have to leave her alone...
...since you can't be around her forever!

But take the time to talk to her...
...and let her know the pain she will give you...
...if she goes ahead with this thoughtless desire.

You have my prayers.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

I agree with Hydra. Be thankful she told you before she did anything irreversible.

Questions:

1. Has she told the friend of her feelings yet?
2. If no to #1, do you think he knows about your wife's fantasy?

If the answer to both is no, then be grateful and work to keep it that way (e.g., a private NC agreement - get the man out of your lives).

If the answer is yes, especially to #1, then you might consider that this is already an EA in serious danger of becoming a PA. Try to get a real NC agreement from your wife with the accompanying letter to the OM.

In either case, this is probably a sign that something is missing from your relationship, at least from your W's perspective. Try to get her to fill out the EN questionnaire with you to see if you can figure out what needs you are not meeting and why she feels this man can fulfil those needs. As previously mentioned, if sexual variety is the only thing missing, you should be able to fix that fairly easily within the boundaries of your relationship. Clearly, for you, a threesome or open M is not an option, so make sure she is aware that she cannot cross that line without serious repercussions in the relationship.

Good luck.

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: 3xLoser ]</small>

My husband and i are going through the same thing. I wanted to have sex with someone. We have been married for 8 years , and i just wanted to experience that feeling of someone else one last time. What i came to realilize is that if she does have sex with your friend you will know longer be friends and that is a horrible thing to do to a friend in the first place unless both parties agree on that. I mean if it was a mutual yes than go for it , but its not and your hurting so your wife should say ok your feelings are more important to me than what i am feeling. you are a team in this world and stick to that you wouldnt go out and buy a house without her agreeing to it would you? Well you both need to agree that # 1 your marriage could handle that and # 2 that you both emotionaly can handle it. Ask her if it would be ok for you to have sex with someone else? Maybe she hasnt thought about that. And, when you ask her name a name of one of her friends. Then go from there. Hope i helped a little take care and god bless you both...Jessica

Hi,

In my opinion as a women, this is a cry for help!
Get the book-His Needs, Her Needs and read it.
Do the exercises. Hopefully, this is just a hormonal thing. I went through a fantasy stage in my late twenties. I carried a few of them out.
I also paid the price emotionally for many years to come. I have the best sex with my husband now and during the affairs, it was always the emotional stuff that was better. Never the sex act. Sometimes I made myself believe it was better just so that I could justify the act.
It was different...but not better.

Married 14 years and still figuring it out.
Good luck and don't take it personally until you get to the bottom of it.

hmmmm...well, I must say...it's great that your W told you about this desire. That's the first step in the right direction.

Keep the lines of communciation open. We do find ourselves attracted to others...it's what we actually do about these feelings which matter. Most wain in the normal course of daily life.

It sounds as if your W has built up a fantasy of which actually wouldn't be as exciting in real life if it were to happen. Hopefully, she knows this. Fantasies can be great, unless we attempt to live them then they usually fall rather flat.

I'd decrease the time given to the friendship at this time to give your W time to get her feet back under her and on solid ground.

Be very clear that you are NOT open to any type of infidelity...with or without you. Don't be "wishy-washie" about this...state it plain and clear. Praise her for her honesty...tell her how much you appreciate the fact that she feels safe enough in your relationship to disclose this type of desire. This is important!

Keep talking! Keep listening!

Good Luck!