I am new here but I need help. My husband of 11 yrs just informed me he's not happy and hasn't been for a long time. He has been trying to be happy but doesn't think he can try any more or want to. We have 2 kids and I am madly in love with him. I am trying to convince him that this is worth working out. He says I don't really know who he is and that I would not want to be with him if was to be himself. I want to know him and will do whatever it takes to make this happen. He also doesn't see any problem with be divorced, this will give the kids two happy homes......I don't agree!!!! I won't be happy without him.

I have been leaving him cards, sending him notes, telling him how much I love him. I want this to work. Any suggestions???

Do start on a Plan A...
...and checkout my posts on these:

Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 201

Keep talking to him... in complete honesty...
...but keep it in short bursts... not one long drawn out discussion.

You have my prayers.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Darby --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for this in your life, especially with two children in the mix. Don't know their ages but be extra good to them, lots of hugs, and make certain they know that these problems aren't about them, that Mommy and Daddy still love them.

You need to hang in there, Darby. You need to be an advocate for your marriage. H isn't going to help much, if at all until this settles down. Read all you can on this website and in its books and articles. I know how much this relationship means to you and how little it seems to mean to him. Why would he feel and say those things?

Don't mean to raise a spectre unnecessarily here but could there be another woman in the picture? Around here, when we read what you've written about your H, our first reaction is to suspect an intruder. Your H probably will vehemently deny it so you'll have to do some checking. Do this on your own and see what you can unearth. People don't suddenly, out-of-the-blue come out with pronouncements like that, unless... Any clues for you? Things that don't add up? Maybe not, I hope not, but the odds point to an extra-marital involvement.

Don't shoot the messenger. I'm only sharing with you what is all too often the case, given these "symptoms." Let's hope your problems are for another reason.

Notes to him when he's like this probably won't help, but you may need to do that for you. I disagree strongly with his stand that a divorce will "give the kids two happy homes." You're right to disagree. Never works that way. Generally, as you know, children need both parents under the same roof.

Please post again and fill us in on some more of your situation, whatever you're comfortable with, and also to keep us "in the loop." We're here for you, Darby...

Ammon

I appreciate the support. We ended the year talking and started it by talking....or more like crying. He said that he is tired of having to work so hard to be happy that I don't know who he is and wouldn't like him if I found out. The was a potential for another woman but he says nothing happened. He is a truck driver and gone for 7 days some weeks and it's killing me. I am turning into a paranoid person unless I can be by his side. There are some guys at work that he's been talking to but they aren't giving him the advice I feel he needs.

He has agreed to go to counseling with me if I can find someone I feel comfortable with. I'm not sure if it will work if he's not interesed in trying. He says he loves me but as a mother of his children and he cares for me and will always be there for me. I don't want it to end this way without trying all I can.

I hope we can figure something out because I know the kids and I will be devastated if we can't.

Thanks

Darby --

Thanks for getting back to us. It's helpful to know as much as possible about the circumstances surrounding a post and you've helped us with your update.

In both your posts you quoted H as essentially saying that he's really another person when away from you. What do you think he means? Purposefully obtuse. What's he trying to say? What's going on between the lines?

BTW, it wouldn't help at all to be constantly by his side--the issues are not about what he is WITH you (in your presence) but who he is and what he's about WITHOUT you beside him.

So let's talk here: H says he's "tired of having to work so hard to be happy." He says that you don't know who he is and wouldn't like him if you found out. Have you ever ridden with him, especially on long-haul trips? What's the potential for a dissatisfied driver on the road?

He says there "was a potential for another woman but nothing happened." So, in light of what he's telling you about this mysterious "other man" your husband is, what's your gut feeling here? Don't know if you've been lurking here before you joined our ranks, but what you're hearing from him when problems appear in a relationship is pretty standard fare. It's a "gentle" way for the WS to give the BS a hint about their "other self." Again, I hope I'm jumping to conclusions in your case and that in fact "nothing happened" but WS's never admit to their involvement until all h*** has broken loose.

Of course you're feeling paranoid about this, puzzled, bewildered, and hurt. But: a light! He's agreed to go to counseling with you! Yes! Get on that right away. Get some good recommendations (not out of the phone book) and strike while this is hot, while he's agreeing to go. Try the Harleys right here on this site.

"He says he loves me but as a mother of his children and he cares for me and will always be there for me." -- A mixed blessing, no? The first part you don't want to hear; the second sounds positive and hopeful. Both sound like typical Fog-Speak (as in he's Fog-Bound). If it's The Fog, we're not going to hear much that makes sense.

You may need some extraordinary patience here to learn what's going on with him. You sound as if you have it and have the commitment: "I don't want it to end this way without trying all I can." So, let us help. We're not experts (that's what your counselor is for) but we're immensely understanding and empathetic and we're here for you at any time--besides, we're "cheap."

Post again soon, Darby, we do care...

Ammon

Thanks again for letting me know I'm doing the right thing by fighting for my marriage.

He doesn't feel he's good enough for me or that he is a good person. That's wrong, I don't know if he suffers from depression or not. Everyone thinks he's great and he makes everyone smile. The hardest part is putting on a face of happiness with family and co-workers and friends. They all think he's wonderful and so do I. I don't want to give the impression to them that he's not.

Do you have any suggestions as to where to look for a counselor in my area?

I will try the Harley's thanks.

I know about truck driving. Do you really?
Do you know that women(prostitutes) get on the CB and ask if anyone wants a 'commercial'?(sex for money) Do you know how many MEN are soliciting BJ's?(for money)

It's a disgusting world out there and so easy for a married man to fall into it.

What your husband says about you not liking who he really is would definately make me wonder. Get him off the road!

Truck drivers should get paid sooo much more for being away from their families for days at a time!