I've been carrying this around for over a month. I found out my wife has been cheating on me while I'm at work - I hacked into her e-mail, after over a year of suspicions. We have 2 kids 8 and 15, and all the trappings of 16 years of marriage. I don't feel attracted to her anymore, not knowing where she's been. The less I touch her, probably the more she will want to have affairs. Everything will soon change and our world will turn upside down, after I tell her. She still acts pretty much the same toward me - she doesn't know I know. I'm afraid to confront her, wondering what the result will be - all kinds of scenarios none of them good. But I know I must eventually, because I can't go on without getting this out in the open - it's a constant pain. I went to a counselor once who said I should show her the e-mail, but if I do then I'll have no way to verify she doesn't continue the affair. Then there's the whole legal aspect that worries me, if divorce is what happens. I guess I'm mainly scared - too scared to upset my whole family. And there never seems to be a good time to tell her. Any advice out there?

Sorry, but no real advice. I sit here amazed that you've had the courage/strength to not confront her. I basically pulled my H off an overseas plane going to a very important business meeting week to confront him, of course he hadn't actually gotten on the plane, but was in the airport when I called him on his cell.

Yeah, there is a LOT of fear as to what will happen not only to ourselves, but to our families, our lifestyle, our marriages and our children.

You will NEVER find the "right" time to confront her. But, since you've been able to think about this for a month, you may well be able to confront her in a more rational way then I confronted my H.

Do you know what you want to do? Do you have any desire to try and save your marriage? If so, have you a plan for recovery? If you're still undecided about staying or going, that's ok. You do NOT have to make that decision, yet.

The longer you stay silent, the more lies are told, by your W and by you. Neither of you are being honest. jmho

Good Luck!

Welcome alann...

You've been around awhile and should have come across this before... but here it is:

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

About confronting your W...
...wait at least 2 days (don't do this on any holiday or important day in your life) i.e. Jan 2 or later!

Be honest...
...and let her know that you recognize the contribution you've made to the problems in your marriage...
...but that her commitment (to rebuild the marriage) will be needed as well.

You can direct her to this site...
...but make sure you understand it first...
...especially Plan A!... i.e. do all you can to NOT love bust!!!

and oh yes...
...like other Betrayed Husbands (BH) with children...
...plan to talk to your kids (if there is any reluctance to recover by your W... and yes you can tell her this... {it's part of 'total' honesty})

AND...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
DON'T MOVE OUT...
and in case you missed this..
DON'T MOVE OUT!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>

Please listen to NSR.

Ive been reading his advice lately. Excellent stuff. Don't have much to add but please do confront her with the info. Please do not as NSR said, do this on a holiday. Please pick a day when you can sit and try to be calm and offer help. She may be so far gone she has lost herself.

That was me, and today after 3 years of recovery we are making it work. I got the help I needed and changed. Please give her at least one chance to change and save this marriage.

Zoey

Alann what do YOU want? Do you want to rebuild your M or do you want to end it? Sooner or later YOU have to answer these questions and so will your WW eventually. The fact that you are here leads me to beleive that you do want to save and rebuild your M so I suggest that you heed the other MBers advise. Even if your M doesn't survive (like mine) you still need the MB principles to help you heal and make you more knowledgeable about what makes a relationship happy and healthy.

Thanks for the replies. The way I feel now, I do want to rebuild. But I hate to say but I just don't see how I can recover those special feelings we used to have, plus how can I ever trust her again? I know the principles of marriage builders are supposed to help, but I'm not there yet. I guess we'll see what happens when I confront her about the whole thing. That's the step that one of these days I just have to gather my courage and take.

Alann,
I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel about recovering the feelings that you shared with your W and the trust issue. I am a BS, and I found out from the OW on 12/16. I found this site two days ago, and I finally feel like I am not alone. If you love her talk to her and try to work it out. I hate my H right now for everything that has gone on, but I do love him, and I was in love with him once before, so I am willing to try to forgive ever though I don't know if I can.

Alann:

For all the good advice out there by the Harley's on rebuilding a marriage after an affair, I've always been disappointed that there was very little professional advice about how to confront one in the first place. I think you will find that there are as many strategies as there are people on this site, and all of them are probably laced with mistakes. The only "good" way to find out about an affair is probably when the information is volunteered by the WS, but how often does that happen?

I was in your shoes about 3 months ago. I too had most, if not all of, my solid evidence in the form of intercepted email communications. I first confronted my wife w/o the evidence, and she denied and lied about it all (obvious, in retrospect). The very next week, I decided to write her a letter prior to going on a business trip. I decided to drop in one conclusive bit of evidence for her to chew on and gave her an ultimatum. Either admit to the affairs after I came home from the trip or I would file for divorce. The problem with the ultimatum, of course, is that you have to be willing to back it up (I was). It turned out as well as I could have expected since she did admit the affairs. However, my source for verifying her truthfulness was also revealed (email). The downside to that, of course, is that if she chose to continue the affair(s), she would be much better at maintaining the deception. You'll have to decide whether that's worth the risk. But ask yourself: how much worse will it get as you continue to monitor the affair without the confrontation? Personally, I believe that if I had waited even 2-3 more weeks, my M would have been irretreivably damaged. Besides that, my state of mind deteriorated with each new revelation and I was in a serious state of depression by the time I decided to confront.

As to the legal aspects of divorce, you could easily consult with a lawyer prior to the confrontation.

I don't think there will ever be a good time for you to tell her you know. Just pick the best of the bad options.

Alann-
All good advise so far, and from what I've read here, that's about the norm for this site. My Dday was less than 2 mos. ago. Found out how you did, however by accident. Never suspected a thing -other than noticing our marraige was not what it had been over the last year or so- (we're M 23yrs). Confronted her immediatley. There was minimal denial-Evidence was strong. 2nd Dday- 10 days after first, so be prepared. She committed to no contact- so far so good.We are in MC now. If you both want it to work or even think you might- get busy! Time is a B**ch and the sooner her withdrawal can ease the sooner you both can see some daylight. I'm afraid that the special feelings you had before are possibly gone forever. But if you can help with the recovery (take some ownership for the situation happening- some; not all!) and work at talking and hearing again you may be happy with the eventual outcome. That's the thread I'm hanging on. Zoey has good advise as regards what to expect.
Good Luck and spend some time reading the posts.

You also might want to check out a book that I just got called Relationship Rescue By Dr. Phil and someone just told me about another site http://www.restorem.org/ Check it out!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />