Just when it appeared that things were getting better, we started counseling last night and it's scaring the s**t out of me.<P>Briefly, my wife of seven years, four kids, announced 6 weeks ago that she's no longer sexually attracted to me, is no longer "in love" with me, and has strong desires to play the field in a pre-married dating mode.<BR>She's 32, married twice now, and never got to play dating. She swears there's no other person, but all signs point directly in that direction (no sex, suddenly long work hours,<BR>disinterest in kids, won't hold my hand near<BR>her office, long work lunches and after work<BR>dinners seemingly out of nowhere, etc.).<P>I began meeting all her needs as prescribed, and happily, but that only made things worse as she then announced that she wanted me to fail at this so she could go "play" with others. But I kept going, believing it would pay off. And I started courting her as though we were dating, with all the fun type activities and experiences. This led to last weekend, which we spent at a Bed and Breakfast, and to my surprise she was loose, fun, and things led to incredibly wild sex and passion, beach walks - the works. She even began talking about the future.<P>But yesterday we started counseling. I suppose the good news is that she left wanting to do more, and happy with our counselor. I left scared to death, because the relationship clearly is still at rock-bottom with her. She told the counselor that the only reason she's even still around is our children. While that may mean something good to most, it's absolutely horrible to me because it says that in her mind the relationship is over. On top of that, the counselor kept using phrases such as "if this relationship lasts" and "before we get to the divorce stage", etc. Even my wife and I have not talked in such final terms yet (but certainly the fear of it has been in my mind). Is this lady going to talk my wife into something horrible here?<P>And, shouldn't we both be working on this relationship for us as a couple first? Didn't WE come before the kids in the beginning? Is it really possibly that by using the kids as an anchor we can bring back her love into the couple? I am really totally lost and confused here. On top of all that, my wife felt sorry for me after the session and therefore playfully offered me sex in return for my pain. What the heck is the actually thinking?<P>signed,<BR>confused.

Hi Sam,<P>Sure sounds to me, too, like you're dealing with an affair. But, until you know for sure what's happening here, you won't be in a position to begin to deal with it.<P>From everything I have seen written on this board concerning marriage counselors, I think you have every reason to be concerned. My opinion is that there are many out there who are not prepared to deal with these kinds of problems, and a lot who are just plain inept.<BR>Harley has a piece on this site which spells out how to find a good counselor. You should start by reading that. You definitely want one who has your goal in mind-- to reconcile the marriage. You might even want to consider starting with phone counseling with one of the Harleys. Several of the people here have given them rave reviews.<P>Good luck, and keep us posted.

Hi Sam,<P>It's hard when you think something is going on but not sure. I think it is worse when you don't know and when you are not sure or have any real proof.<P>My H and I just started couseling last week. I too was scared. We first got a list of counselors and we were going to go to them and interview them. I know through other people some couselors have very different beliefs. Our first session we asked her what she believes in, if she was married how long, does she have children. We wanted a common ground with her. yes they are trained professionals, but, I think expierience has alot of pull. <P>Well we liked what we heard and just had our second session today. <P>I almost didn't want to go. I'm scared of what feelings might come out. But like she said. if they don't come out in the open how will we live on together. It turned out to be a great session. <P>I think we are scared because all of our faults, feelings, rejections, emotions and problems are put on a plate infront of us. We have to stare at them for a whole hour. It is very very hard. I also think it is the bravest thing in the world for couples to do. <P>I used to think that couseling was for weird messed up people, who had no clue. Out of controll people. I never thought that I would be here today. But you know what. When I leave, I have things to look at in a positive not attacking way. It makes me feel more normal, more alive, more intouch with myself,and with my H. <P>We have a very long bumpy road to travel here. Things won't happen over night. But at least we are doing it together.<P>got to go good luck <BR>I will lookk for your posts<BR>christine<P>