I just found out (12/16) that my H had an affair. The OW set me a letter with all of the details and offered photos and love letters from my H to help with my divorce. I had no clue. We have been together for almost 7 years. Just after our daughter was born (23 months ago) things between us became strained. Basically, I stopped talking and he stopped listening. I felt like I had to do everything, and he expected it. I guess we stopped sharing the responsibilities of our lives. My H has been out of the country for almost a year,is due to return in about three weeks, and it happened there. It ended three and a half months after it started because he wanted to stay with me (his story). He has been begging me for the past few weeks to stay with him. He says he know he has made a mistake and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me through it. I don't trust him, she won't leave me alone, he is mad at her for it, I am miserable. I can't believe he would do this to me. I am so confused. Part of me wants to take our 2 year old and run, and the other part of me still loves him. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. My friends think I am so lucky because he is so good to me on the surface, my family would hate him forever, and he was the one person I could always talk to, and now I feel so alone. I really want to run from this, but I know in my heart that I will regret it. How am I supposed to forgive him for this? Help!

Welcome samiace...

There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

Do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Plan A will require your learning to forgive...
...and in time will allow you to trust again.

Forgiveness is a choice...
...just like infidelity was his choice...
...and now that he wants to reconcile... are you going to take that choice away from him?

As for forgiveness... check out some of the following:
Forgiveness references...

Web sites..
Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself
The Forgiveness Web

Books...
</font>

1. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Art of Forgiving :[/b] When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How by Lewis B. Smedes</font></li>
2. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Forgive and Forget [/b]: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes</font></li>
3. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]The Choosing to Forgive Workbook[/b] by Les Carter, Frank Minirth</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Anger Management:
</font>

1. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anger : How to Live With and Without It[/b] by Albert Ellis</font></li>
2. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Angry All the Time :[/b] An Emergency Guide to Anger Control by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron</font></li>
3. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Getting the Best of Your Anger[/b] by Les Carter</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Links to posts... (I'll have to check if these still work)
Can I forgive?????…..indy032…..1/31/2000
The apology letter from my husband…..Crushed…..5/18/2000
Forgiveness.....…..just_me…..6/5/2000
Bible Verse = Forgiveness…..ZZZ4991…..5/4/2001

How to rebuild my spouse's trust?…..redman…..8/23/1999
Things my husband did to rebuild trust…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000
on knowing the "truth" …..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000

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In time you and your H will need to develop a "No Contact" letter so that the OW will contact neither you nor your H.

You have my prayers.
BTW: have you tried praying with your H?... give a shot... maybe even tonight!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim / NSR

samiace,
welcome. you are so lucky to have found this site so early. I feel your pain coming through your words. I too was cheated on by a man NO ONE would ever have believed was capible of such a thing. Including my husband. Here I am a year later, and i now know that we all are capable of an affair. Don't run. I know part of you wants to. But don't do it. get help. read the books offered earlier. get your husband to read them. work on this together. you promised you would stay through good times and bad...well here is the really bad stuff...you once loved each other dearly, you have a child,..it will be worth it to try to work it out. i will be praying for you...<>< traceys

OK...first...sorry you're found yourself in need of this site...but it's a good one. READ! EVERYTHING.

second...The OW told you...WHY? It's very important to try and figure out her motives. Was she getting back at your H for dumping her? Was she trying to make him hurt as she is hurting by destroying his family? I find it a little off the wall that you stated..."she won't leave me alone". Something is rotten here.

My advice...rather you choose to stay married or get a divorce...stop all contact with her in anyway that you have to...including blocking her email address, changing phone numbers, returning UNOPENED letters...whatever...she is NOT interested in your best interest. This is YOUR marriage...and it's none of her business!!!!!

Of course you don't trust your H...at this time...you shouldn't. You've been hurt and betrayed...if he wants to try and rebuild the marriage which he shares with you...he needs to get down and busy.

He needs to be HONEST with you! He needs to do whatever is necessary to PROVE that the affair is over, has been over, and will NOT be restarted. He needs to send an NC (no contact) letter which you and he will do together to this woman...then stick with it. He needs to allow you access to his "private" life as he has never needed to do before. He needs to be supportive of you and empathize with the pain, confusion and sorrow you are dealing with. He needs to HELP you...help yourself.

Forgiveness comes later. It comes on "cat paws" when we least expect it. We forgive the person...never the act of betrayal.

Find a good counselor who can help guide you while the two of you work on making your marriage more honest, more open, more loving and healthy.

Good Luck!

I guess a little further explanation is in order. Apparently my H had this affair because he was lonely.... Whatever, so am I, but, he decided that he did not want to be with her, because as he put it, he did not like who she was. So he told her he was going to work it out with me. Needless to say, she was pissed, and is now doing everything she can to destroy him, including coming after my daughter and I. My H has hired an attorney, filed police reports, a NCO (No contact order, and is working on a restraining order. I guess the last thing she said when they broke up was "If you don't stay with me, then I will ruin your life" She seems like a fatal attraction. He did not tell me any of this because he was not here. He says he wanted to tell me to my face and that is why he waited. Again he is still out of the country until the end of the month. So, we have been discussing this over the phone for the past few weeks. He says after it ended he realized how great he really had it at home, and how great I was. But I am still having such a hard time with it. I don't really believe anything he says. I did go buy some of the books today. So I have some reading to do. But I am just so angry with him. I guess I am having a bad day. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

NSR,
Thanks for the information. I am putting it to good use, and trying to sort out this mess. My H thanks you too. He found this site last week and asked me to check it out. Thanks again. I hope everything is going well with you. And , I hope I am replying correctly and that you read this.

I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray for you and your daughter. I don't think running is the solution and I was told to wait at least 6 months before I make any irrational decisions about my marriage. The pain is too raw right now to make a permanant decision. When the time does come to make a decision, I know this sounds harsh, but think of yourself and only yourself. If you are not happy than your daughter will not be happy either. Good luck and stay strong!

Hi,

Welcome, and I am sorry for your pain.

Please read "Surviving an Affair" It helped me greatly. This is a very emotional and confusing time right now. One minute you want to run the next you want to stay and fight. I still have my ups and downs.

Your H has shown you remorse, that is more than alot have out here.

Remorse is a good indication that they want it to end. He is doing a good thing by taking legal measure to keep her out of your lives. I suggest that you do all you can to end contact. She is trying to destroy you. She is trying to hurt you. I'm guessing that somewhere in the back of her mind, she thinks if you divorce your H, he will come back to her. She is upset that he left her to come back to you, his wife.

Why would she send you stuff to help with the divorce? Unless she is trying to help things along, for her own personal benefit.

This is a very hard time right now, very confusing and emotional time. You ask yourself, how could he, why. While he was gone, I was faithful, why wasnt' he?

Have you and your H considered MC? Take the time you need to make the right decision. Tell him that you need time to think. You have had a major shock. You need to sort everthing out. Dr. Harley has alot of excellent books in the bookstore link. There are some other books that come highly recommended by other MB'ers, I don't recall their names. I have not read them.

Come here often to vent, get support and suggestions of what works for some and what has not worked.

Take care

Sue with hope,
My H wants to go to MC. Since he is not here, it makes it even harder. I still have three weeks to think all on my own about this, and most of the time I just cry and wonder what I did wrong. He seems to really want to work things out, he tells me everyday that he is sorry, and he loves me more than ever because he now sees everything that he has with me. I want to believe him, but Ihave no faith in him or trust for that matter. Part of me feels that if i let him come back he will only do it again. I guess I should give it the suggested six months and try MC. Will the rollercoaster that my emotions are on ever stop?

Hi Samiace,

The rollercoaster ride, it does come to an end. Eventually, there will be more highs than lows, and there will be a longer time period between the highs and lows. HOw long? different for everyone. When both are trying to work towards a common goal, I'm guessing it is shorter than those who are not.

I long so much to have my H tell me about his A, tell me he is sorry, tell me never again, tell me that he would do anything, including MC. I would be doing flips (I don't know how to do flips). My situation, my H does not know I know about the A. I am hoping he will come clean soon. Otherwise, when the time I right, I will have to confront. I'd prefer he was the one to bring up the subject. There are those out here, who's WS are so deep into the fog, that they cannot decide between OP or Spouse. So, the BS is living with the A going on right in front of them. I'm not trying to minimize what you are experiencing. I'm using this to point out to you that your H ended the A, he told you about the A. I know it does not seem like it, but you are very lucky.

You don't have to make any promises to you H that you do not feel you can keep at this time. All you have to tell him, is you will try the MC route, that you will need time. There are many tools available on this website to help you. There is the "Radical Honesty", Policy of Joint Agreement. He needs to understand that he will be under a microscope for a very long while, and accept that, this is the price he must pay to regain your trust.

I don't know where you live, there are two MB seminars coming up. I hear they are very good. I wish we could afford it, and if we could, I wish my H would agree to go.

Pick you MC carefully. If you get a bad feeling, or if their suggestions don't fit with the goal that you and your H have, look for a different one.

I know your pain. I know your self doubt. You did not force him to have the A. It may have been the loneliness. But that means, he needs to find ways to deal with lonliness and still remain faithful. Does his job typically take him out of town like this alot? He might want to consider changing jobs. Can you travel with him?

I know the next 3 weeks will be hard. Come here to vent your frustrations, anger, hurt. Use this time to read as much as you can. Read the links, read Dr. Harley's publications. Another one, I think this is the title, I see it recommended alot. I have not read it. Torn Asunder??

Remember "knowledge is Power"

Take care

Sue,
I am sorry that you have to live with what is going on. I know I could not sit back and watch.

My H can't leave his job, but he has said that he will not leave me again. From now on, we will travel with him. He said that from this point forward we are a team and must stay together.

He expects to have to deal with this for the next 20 years and says he is willing to do so if that is what it takes.

My problem, and I hate to sound like the woman who whines about having what everyone else wants, is that he has hurt me terribly, and now I feel like he is telling me this to passify me. He says I will see the difference in him when he gets back. He was here in September, three weeks after it ended with the OW (mind you he did not tell me then) and he was great the whole time. I felt like we were back on track. He said he did not tell me about the OW then because he wanted to see how things went without the stress of what he had done.

When the OW sent me the letter of apology and offered to help by testifing at my divorce proceeding, I had no idea hat was going on. I called H and he told me everything and said he wanted to tell me when he returned home.

Needless to say, if he is telling me the truth and he still loves me and wants to work his butt off to make this work, then i guess he is going to have to help me deal with everything and we are going to have to work together to make it. I know i need him to be 100% committed in order to make it through this.

I wish there was something I could say to you to make your situation easier on you. The one thing I can tell you, from experience, make yourself available and join him in everything he does. He can't see her if he is with you. I made the mistake of letting my H go overseas without me when I could have gone. That won't ever happen again!

Samiace,

Thanks, you dont' have to worry about me. I have my bad moments. For the most part, my moments are good. I made my decision, I based it upon what is important to me. It will not last forever. The time will come when all will be revealed and decisions will be made. I would rather, have him think I am in the dark, than to have him know and be disrespecting me openly. That would be harder for me to bear.

You are not whining becaue you have what alot of us want. The pain is still real, the confusing and betrayal, they are all real. You are ahead of the game so to speak. You have an H who is remorseful and is willing. That is what I meant by lucky. Not that you are whining. Never that.

You also have to decide, can your marriage be saved? Can you move past this? It would be real easy to walk away. I know, that sounds like it would not be easy. It is harder to stay and try to rebuild after such a devesting betrayal. After while, you may decide you cannot rebuild, then again, you may have a better M then ever. You and your H might have the M all your friends envy. Only time will tell. That is why it is recommened that you don't make any major decisions such as divorcing while the pain is still raw.

Your feelings are real, don't invalidate them. I didn't mean to. I was trying to show you how ahead of the game you are.

Take care

Sue,
Thanks! I needed that. I am glad that I found this site. It is really helping to see that I am no the only one out there who is feeling this way.

Samiace,

You are very welcome. Post as much as you have to. What ever makes you feel better. I have posted on top of post. Sometimes, I just post to vent, sometimes I want a response, sometimes, I'm not sure. When I need to post, I do it. It helps to get my feelings out in the open, even if it is only on this website.

Take care.