If you suspected that your husband/wife was or did have an affair and you couldn't get a straight answer from your spouse, would you confront the other person for the truth? or do you think that is too bold? Please let me know. Thank you. I am desperate for answers.

Serina,
I absolutly would. I have called my husbands friends to discuss what happened with him and the OW. Be prepared to take what she says as half true though. The OW told me some wicked things about my marriage and H, things that she said he told her, to include that she would be a better mother than I am. They were of course all false, and that is based on information from third parties. So, yes ask the questions, but don't take the answers as gospel. Combine the information from all sources and make up your own mind.

My situation is this: my husband still denies the affair. I can't get a straight answer from him and this is going on 2 years. I just wondered if I was out of line calling the woman that I suspect was the OW? She was his secretary. It all adds up to me but my husband tells me I am crazy! What do you think? Call her? or rely solely on my husband's denial? Thanks!

Serina,
Do you have any proof? Cards, gifts, behavior? Can you check up on him? Have you? Maybe follow him after work if you suspect that is what he is doing? I would gather evidence and make sure he can't get out of it. Force him to be honest. Otherwise he is just going to continue to deny it. Why rock the boat if you don't have to.

Serina,

Before you take action, please read the links here and the book surviving the affair. I know how upset you are, and I understand the need to know and confront. I live with it daily. I discovered my H's A last April. If you choose to confront, be prepared for the worst of reactions from your H. You might bet the best of reactions, but you need to be prepared for the worst.

You cannot force an A to end, you cannot force someone to tell you what you want them to know. Questioning his friends may alienate them from you.

Don't do anything when emotions are ruling the current situation.

I am not sure how upset I am as compared to how pissed I will be if he has been denying the entire thing for two whole years. He did admit to me that he confided in her about him being unhappily married. This was of course before he even told me how he felt! Go figure! I did find a letter on his e-mail account to her, saying that " he was a king in his castle with the wrong queen" and that he had found a " a one of a kind love", when I told him I found it...he got pissed that I went on his account without permission and also told me it was just a poem he was writing about how he felt that day...she asked to read it so he sent it to her. What a bunch of BS! He owns three businesses with his brother, she worked for them, I am willing to bet he is afraid to air this dirty laundry for fear his brother will boot him on his a**. Since this happened so long ago I have no way of following him. I truly believe he had feelings for this woman and whether he acted on them is still to be seen. I honestly don't think it is still going on, so I have no reason to follow him now. He also admitted to me after several months that he had been talking on the internet with a girl he went to high school with and that was the only inpropriety in our relationship. He swears he never slept with anyone else and has apologized for the internet thing. But regaining trust is very hard. I have to make him see how much he has hurt me and that he needs to come clean about everything. Since he won't I thought confronting this other woman may be the right thing to do for my own self-preservation. I feel like such a fool. I have always felt like a smart woman but to feel so silly and idiotic does not sit well with me. Thanks for responding, it really helps.

Hi Serina,

I know what you mean by feeling like a fool. You are not a fool.

Are you ready for the worst possible consequences by confronting the OW? The possible consequences being, she will call your H and tell him. H will get mad at you.

Before you take action, you need to decide, what do you want for your M. Do you want it to work?

It may be that he had an emotional affair, which by all accounts is still an affair. Some individuals do not consider this an affair because their was not physical activity involved. WS go into a fog type behavior. Which is covered in the books by Dr. Harley and on the links on the website.

I've heard that some BS are so deep in the fog, that they really don't remember what was said or done. (I know, hard to imagine).

I know the urge to confront is strong. That is why I recommend reading the links.

Ask yourself some questions with regards to what results are you looking for by confronting. What consequences are you prepared for by confronting. What results to you want for your M. If you find out that there was an A, do you want your M to work?

You cannot force people to do what you want, or to tell you what you want to hear. I know, I tried back when my H first cheated on me 7 years ago before we got married. We already had two children, were a month away from getting married. I took him back because I loved him and I had two children with him who loved him and needed their father. I was not making decisions just for me, I was making decisions that involved two children also, so I had to keep the best interest of everyone in mind.

I had a hunch something funky was going on with my H and a woman at our workplace. I asked her to back off when I thought it was only"emotional affair". She played all nice to my face & was the biggest manipulative @*tch behind my back. She moved in for the kill even more. Told us both lies, I guess. Told me she'd never do anything to jeopardize her own marriage, but I found out later, at that same time she had told her H she wanted D. They got divorced soon after.

It does no good to talk to the OP. They will lie and lie and use both you and your H and pit you against one another far worse.

Trust your instincts. But dont ask H or accuse him of anything yet. He's going to deny it anyhow. Mine has for 2 yrs almost and I saw an email, found him at her house once when she was still married, saw him parked at her place afterwards several nights, when he told me he was working out of town etc. They LIE, LIE, LIE.

Check your long distance phone bill for anything funny. Doing his laundry? Check those shirt & pants pockets for receipts!! Mine forgot & I found lots from that!! Check those credit card statements. Got any instant "messenger" or chat things on your computer like Yahoo Messenger? Go under tools and open up the archives. He may not have deleted stuff! Does he go off to other part of house with cordless phone? Mine did before he got dang cell phone of his own "for work" he said. I finally got my hands on a bill after many months, while home sick. EVERY call on their was to OW's home or workplace. Her phone is unlisted but I know what it is. I had no access to his phone but every call on that months bill was to her, even while I was in the hospital for a week!!
He still doesnt know I saw it. My grandmothers trick. Hold the envelope over steam from a teakettle. The glue comes undone. I sealed it shut again & put it back in the mailbox.

But you see, no matter how defiant he is and gets me to doubt my own eyes and ears, I KNOW!! OW's now ex-husband had his limit of my H buying their son gifts & blew the whistle to me last yr!!

And still I havnet been able to let go. 21 months of hell and I still wish he'd come home. But I cant let him do that so easily this time. He came home in Jan after filing & being gone 6 weeks but affair was still ongoing!! If he didnt make an effort to earn my trust & be truthful with me then I have to Plan B totally!

My H started hiding all his paperwork. He put them in his totebag, locked the bag in the truck (I no longer have keys) and took it all to work. I saw some gifts on an older credit card statement he forgot when he moved out.

Do you have joint financial accounts? Maybe you need to split those 50/50 and each have your own. Check those ATM withdrawal on the bank statements!!

Have you got the "I need time to think" "I need space" "Its none of your business" "you cant tell me what to do with my life" "I dont know what I want" speeches??? Bad sign. Any extra conferences out of town all of a sudden, or a heavy "work load"? to keep him gone? Has he stopped doing small things he used to? Started sleeping on the couch or floor saying his back bothers him etc?? If so, ==affair with someone!!

Stay calm and observant in the background. Confronting them never does any good. You cant make him change or convince him your life has been good. If he is having relations with OW, then that FOG is just awful. They twist reality something terrible and all of a sudden every little thing is all YOUR fault. Dont take the blame for "not keeping the house clean" "not helping him with. . .car, yard whatever" "gaining weight & dont look the same" etc. Its all a crock to distract them from their guilt. Read up on the Plan A stuff and stay observant of all the little things in the meantime. Hang in there.