I found out 13 days ago the my husband of 11 years contacted a former co-worker and invited her to meet him for lunch. He said she is very attractive and flirtatious and he is old enough to be her father. He said she was interesting to talk to and he wanted to get to know her better and find out if they had anything in common. The same evening I found out that he had been visiting chat rooms and had been recieving e-mails from women which included their pictures. I am devistated. At first I told him to leave our home and he stayed with his parents for 3 nights but he ended up coming back on christmas eve because we have 2 small children and he wanted to be with them. He doesn't think any of this is a big problem...said he can have new friends. I am not a jealous or suspicious person but I have to say that a 42 year old married man should not be sneaking meetings with a 21 year old girl who he descibes as attractive and flirtatious. he said he is sorry and will not have any further contact with her and will not visit chat rooms any more but I say he is only stopping because he got caught and would probably be having a full-blown affair if he didn't. What should i do?

devistatedtoknow
I have no advice to offer. I am in a similar situation, except my H did it, and now says he made the worst mistake of his life. I am hurt and betrayed and I do not know what to do. I know you are hurting right know. Please know that you are not alone. Take care, and use this site. It is helping me a great deal.

First of all how did you find out? Was he forthcoming and tell you? or did you find out by accident? I think that says a lot if he told you first. Don't you? Maybe he is trying to tell you something before he does something stupid. I am still trying to get my husband to admit to his affair and it has been almost two years. I am so disappointed with men. What is wrong with them? I too have been married 11 years,three kids later I guess they want a slut in the bedroom and a maid in the house. I can't figure it out. I have all of the qualities I believe that would make someone happy and I am confident he screwed his uneducated, white trash secretary who has 5 kids by 3 different guys! What a joke! Anyway, sorry for your pain I can relate but at least your husband is willing to tell you the truth, I can't even get that from mine. good luck and if you want to talk there seems to be plenty of support on this site. I'll pray for you.

Thank you samiace. I would also like to say that i never ever would have expected my husband to do this. He claims that he was not going to seduce this woman but admitted that if she came on to him he would have a "tough decision". he also said that the way she had flirted with him in the short time he knew her he thought she was interested in him. He also recently started exercising, losing weight,using rogain and grecian formula. I had even joked with him about all the self improvement and how he would be looking for a girlfriend next. Little did I know. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again and I also have no one to talk to because I don't want my friends to know this side of my husband and I can't talk to my family either because if they knew they would want him out of my life for good. I am also doubting his past. He claims this is the first time he has ever attempted a meeting with someone behind my back and the first time (that has lasted 4 months) that he has been visiting chat rooms and e-mailing women. I don't know how he could have done this to me - I am broken hearted and very sad. I found out about his activities by stumbling on to some e-mails he had received when I insisted on him giving me his password because I thought he had been visiting pornographic web sites. We have had internet access in our home for 4 years and he has always been secretive about his on-line activities and his password. I don't know what to believe and I feel so hurt and betrayed.

DTK --

It's a big problem, whether or not your H acknowledges it, for at least two reasons: 1) It's a major issue and LB problem for you and therefore for your marriage; and 2) Faithful and committed H's do not "sneak meetings" with female co-workers, single or otherwise.

He says he's sorry, won't have contact with her anymore, won't visit chat rooms, etc.--sounds good on paper. Now can he walk the walk? I'd say keep your eyes open and trust your instincts. It's possible that he's sincere and can follow those guidelines. But since the wall has been breached, you'll have to keep your eye on that weak spot for a good while. Your trust of him has been weakened but perhaps not broken. See where he goes with it.

Even if he is "only stopping because he got caught," he has stopped for now (presumably) but you two have some relationship issues remaining that must be addressed if you don't want this to happen again. While it might not, why take the chance? Get into counseling ASAP, together and individually if possible. You need some professional guidance and direction. Use the Harleys right here if you can.

With two small children, it's important that your family unit be preserved if at all possible. I'm sorry for you that this is happening but it is fixable and not hopeless at all. Maybe just the "wake-up" call your relationship needs. I wish you luck and peace in this New Year.

Ammon

We sound like we are in the same boat. Has he been man enough to tell you he has actually cheated? My husband still denies it 2 years later. Your story sounds like mine. He changed the password to the internet, he started "talking"/"chatting" with women he supposdely went to high school with, next thing you know he is at the gym, obsessed with his appearance, calling me fat and unattractive while I was 7 months pregnant. Total change in his personality and of course everything was my fault, the finger was pointed to me. He was the perfect spouse. Anyway, I later found things he sent to a woman he worked with...he confided in her that he wasn't happily married, he looked for her advice, blah, blah, blah...BS...I am pretty sure they had a thing going and for some reason he can't admit it to me. I am almost tempted to call that woman just for my own peace of mind. The lies and denial really suck! I think I would think more of him, if he was at least willing to admit his mistakes. Anyway, good luck and maybe he told you because he wanted to stop before anything started. The longer I am married the longer I don't think men and women are meant to be together. We are so different in so many ways. It can be very cruel... hang in there and I will pray for you.

Serina, you are right. Men and women are so different in so many ways. I now look at my husband in a totally different light. Now that I know he has lied to me, been sneaking behind my back and visiting porn sights on a regular basis I am filled with disgust sometimes when I look at him. How shallow can a person be? To throw away 11 years of marriage and 2 beautiful kids because you think an attractive 21 year old is interested in you! To make matters worse he was on the computer for several hours at a time 3 nights a week with this nonsense! This took time away from me. Instead of sitting with me and talking or reading or watching tv he left me alone and went into another room to carry on with this garbage. He can't say he was lonely or I wasn't available to him. I feel like he trashed our marriage for his own selfish experimentation and maybe a little thrill. If I would have seen this side of him 11 years ago I think I would have dropped him like a hot potato. I am also having flashbacks to little conversations we have had and wondering what was really going on. For instance, a short time ago he mentioned that he might go out to happy hour after work one evening with co-workers. We have never in 11 years of marriage made it a practice to go out like this without each other. I told him for a special outing i wouldn't have a problem with it thinking that he was talking about male collegues. Now I wonder if he was trying to set it up to be able to meet the young woman. Since i found out about his lies I am tormented with thought like this. I don't want to make the situation worse by doubting everything he ever said.

I would just like to add that in the 13 days since I found out about his attempt to meet the woman I have repeatedly asked him why he did it. His response: "I don't know". Is it possible that he really doesn't know why he did this or what he was thinking? He claims that he wanted her friendship. Is it possible for a 42 year old married man to be friends with a 21 year old attractive, flirtatious single woman? He wanted to see if they had anything in common. I ask you - what could they possibly have in common?
Sorry if I appear to be rambling but I have had all of these thoughts in my head and no one to talk to. Just being at this site and typing this out has been therapeutic for me.

I've dealt with a similar problem in my marriage with my husband, who was involved in internet porn, cybersex, phone sex and webcamming. It's very difficult but not impossible to work through an online affair if both parties are willing to work on specific issues like trust, communication and intimacy within your relationship. I moderate an online support group that you may want to consider joining at http://www.bustedyouonline.com/discussiongroup.htm

Where to start? First he must stop all communication with this "friend". You both need to enter marital counselling immediately. I highly recommend the Harley's. The first issue to work on is trust. Some of the things we did was my H was to make no purchases without providing me a receipt-no cash went unaccounted for. He used phone cards you buy at the grocery store to call OW. We read His Needs, Her Needs. I also installed spy software on our home PC ad I can turn it on or off whenever I needed to. Actually, I suspected something was going on and the software helped me gather the clues. Be careful about how much you snoop though. It can be harmful and it's a fine line we walk as betrayed spouses on how much to snoop.

DTK: I am gong to post below my "standard" reply to new members of this forum, because the secrecy in his computer use makes me suspicious that what you have found is just the tip of the iceberg. HOWEVER - even if you know everything, so there has "only" been an emotional affair going on, I HIGHLY recommend reading Surviving An Affair, by Harley, TOGETHER and DO THE QUESTIONAIRES !!! (They are more important than the reading.) If we had done that after my wife's first "serious" emotional affair, I am absolutely positive that she never would have had the subsequent physical affair. Your husband may not know "why", but reading SAA and doing the questionaires will help you both find out. If you find out from taking the Emotional Needs questionaire that you are doing a good job at filling his 3 most important Emotional Needs, then you probably need to read the chapter in "The State of Affairs" about "The Double-Life Man", because, contrary to Harley's assertions, unmet emotional needs are not the only cause of affairs.

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1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.