This is so hard to write. My husband (that word is really hard to type)engaged in porn surfing on the net and met someone in a chat room. They had a six-month sexual email exchange. Then he went overseas on a business trip to where she lives. He slept with her one night. This "woman" is married and has a boyfriend on the side. She's slept with my H and god knows who else. I think her spouse needs to know that she is putting his health at risk. Of course, it would also help my pain to know she is suffering some consequences here. Is it right to let her husband know? Or should I just focus on recovering our relationship as my H says? He says he feels very guilty about it and wants never to contact her for any reason. What do I do?

Nat

If you don't know him... I wouldn't.

When I called XOWs H, it was because we had socialized w/ our families... it was a spontaneous reaction... not something I thought out...

I think if you have to ponder it and ask... then you probably shouldn't...

Cali

Nat
I'm no expert but IMHO I would concentrate on recovering your relationship. Part of that would be to ensure that your H ceases contact with OM permanently. Has he sent a No Contact letter?
Work on making your M affair proof using the principles on this site.

Thank you both for your input. I can't help thinking though that this man needs to know that she may be putting his health at risk. I think this in my more sane moments, when I'm not filled with thoughts of revenge. With all those STD's out there, especially the deadly ones, I don't know if I can live with the knowledge of what she may be doing to him. I would want to know.

My H has written the no contact letter. It's so helpful to talk to somebody about all this. There's no one I can talk to. We have a week to go before we can see a counsellor. So your responses are very much appreciated. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you so so much. Bless you both.

Nat

Nat,
I told the OW's H about her little secret...she slept with not only my husband, but also a man in the military. I told for two reasons...#1 i also felt (like you) that she was risking her H's life with disease (not to mention her little boy) and I thought how I would want to know (I wish someone had told me sooner...) and #2 plain old revenge. I wanted her to suffer a tiny bit of pain that i was suffering. I am not proud of that, but it's the truth.
Best of luck to you. Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right for you. Only you know your heart...
God Bless

Nataliamira --

Post to us anytime. Someone's on this board around the clock as ours is a very international group. You are not alone from now on.

Sometimes a phrase in a post hits a nerve and triggers a reaction and we are compelled to respond. Such was the case with your "My husband (that word is really hard to type)" -- your words struck home for me. Not only because I could feel your realization and pain but because I could identify with both about my wife.

There was a good thread about a week or so ago on this "should I tell" question. Without question, the responses (including mine) encouraged, begged, and pleaded with the poster to tell the OPS. I believe we all felt that we would have wanted to know as early as possible into the A. Only rarely is anyone given that opportunity and sometimes the messenger gets "shot" for their attempt--be prepared for disbelief or bitter reactions. The Sandbagged Syndrome is to be avoided at all costs.

I don't think your two objectives are mutually incompatible. You can do both: talk to the OWH and work on recovering your relationship. Don't forget that your H had a vested interest in keeping you and OW apart; it may be natural that his reaction would be in favor of maintaining that separation. On the other hand, his not wanting any more contact on any level for any reason is a very positive sign. It certainly is good that he feels guilt and realizes what he's done = increased odds and hope for recovery.

You'll have to weigh this one carefully. If you need to do it for you for altruistic reasons and not for revenge, then you may need to do it. You said clearly, "I would want to know."

I see several positives here, including H's NC letter. Maybe the boat shouldn't be rocked at this point. Whatever you decide, I wish you well in next week's counseling session. This is fixable and I'm very encouraged that you remain committed to this along with his rededication. Best wishes,

Ammon

Should you or shouldn't you? Always a question we deal with.

First...it will in no way "ease" your pain by informing her H. It will cause him great pain...if he doesn't already know. It will cause her consequences but it will NOT benefit you or your marriage. In fact...sadly if her marriage goes down the tubes...she may become a bigger problem in your life if she tries to create more trouble for your H and you.

Second...he does need to know, his health is at risk, as is his marriage. He's being kept in the dark. But, be careful...be kind...and know your motives.

Third...YES...you should be focusing on your marriage! What happens to the OP will not help or hinder your marriage...you focusing on the OP will not be productive in rebuilding your marriage. The marriage is between YOU and H...no one else.

Fourth...Has your H sent the NC letter? Did you read it? Are you sure that the affair is completely and totally over?

Fifth...Did you and your H see a doctor and make sure that no unwanted STD's are involved? Since this OW is a major player...you must do this. Be honest with your doctor and be throughly checked out.

Good Luck!

You know, I really don't want the OWS to be hurt. I fully empathize with him. He deserves to know, if he doesn't already. But to be perfectly honest, I also want to share this pain. I want some form of justice. Why should she be off merrily destroying other people's lives and leaving us all to deal with the aftermath? I think she should face some consequences here, don't you? And even if it's just temporary, I think I will feel at least a little better. Because she lives halfway around the world, I think telling her husband will have little impact on us here. In any case, I would make it an anonymous call. I feel I need to do this to find some kind of closure here. I want to move on. Tie up the loose ends, so to speak. I see it as perfectly normal and as a win/win situation. The OWS is protected from her and I get a little bit of justice. Is that so awful?

Nat

Not awful at all...it's a pretty normal reaction to when we've been hurt.

One of the main fears I only touched on in my first post. Believe me...an xOW who feels that you've intruded into her life...even tho she felt just fine and dandy intruding into yours...could well cause trouble. Please, if your H isn't getting constant phone calls and emails from her...they may start. And that could be just the tip of the iceberg. She may began sending you all type of crap, some of it might even be true, but some of it might not. Then you're trying to "filter" out what's what and it creates a LOT of extra stress.

We've seen it time and again when the OP isn't willing to "let go" of the spouse, even when the spouse is trying. And your H will not be able to control her actions, but you'll blame him all the same. And you're pain will be increased, not lessened.

I'm not in any way telling you NOT to tell him...I think he should know. But...just beware! Be ready to change your phone numbers, email accounts and it can get messy!

Good luck on finding any justice in all this...I never could. NO ONE deserves this!

JMHO...I wouldn't make it an anonymous call...if you do...it's too easy to shrug it off as a "nut". If you're going to tell...give him enough information so that when she tries to deny her actions (and she will) he'll have the hard facts to back his confrontation up.

Yes...this can backfire on you...but if you want to make sure that she "suffers" her consquences...then you've got to give him enough hard information. But...please be kind to him. Give him dates, times, places, etc.

Good Luck!

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Nat,
Will your H be going to the place anymore that this OW lives? Also, let me play the pot stirrer here, Maybe her H knows about her, don't know. I would just be sure your H is sincere in his guilt, has he asked you not to contact her? Are you sure there is absolutely NC? I would be a little worried if H told you not to contact her, to let it be; if I knew he had to go back to the place she lives on business again, JMHO.

Whatever you decide is really a personal choice, some cultures they look at sexuality different than we do here. If you can not start your healing without closure with her, only you will have the right answer on how to pursue this.

I wish you well and many good thoughts on you and your H's course to healing.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:42 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

I just read an article about secrecy and honesty by Peggy Vaughan. Her website is www.dearpeggy.com. The article I read is called "The Need to Know." In it she stresses that full recovery can not really happen when it's covered in a shroud of secrecy. I don't know if I could really be as brave as she is and publicize this very painful experience on the net, or even to my dearest friends and family. I am too afraid it might get in the way of recovery. Their reactions to the affair, to my husband and to me would just be more things to deal with when my plate is oh so full right now. But I do think that the immediately involved parties (OW's husband) must know, for my sake, my marriage's sake and his sake.

Having said that I found Pendragon's letter (How to get the OP out of your head.) really helpful in making me realize how really really unimportant the OW is. Thank you Pendragon! You rock!

What do you think of disclosing the affair to family and friends? In a way, I agree with Peggy Vaugh, that it would be helpful to the BS. It would open up a lot more support. Anyone have experience with this one?

So thankful to have all of you wonderful people to talk to.

Nat

Nataliamira, I don't blame anyone for wanting to tell! After what was done to you, how can anyone expect your confidentiality/secrecy? So don't feel bad for wanting revenge. Although your motive for wanting to warn OW's H of possible disease, is a kinder motive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But it's really your choice.

My first reaction was that I wanted to call OW and scream at her, then tell her BF. However, my fiance talked me out of it. OW's BF was also cheating on her...cheating was/is normal for them, what a lovely couple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . So I figured neither would even care if they heard from me or not. But if I could have rocked their boat, I probably would have.