I've posted here a few weeks ago. I thought I was moving on after my husband admitted to having an affair. This happened in 1999, but I found out 7/12/02. Well, I am now finding out that my husband had still been sleeping with this woman up until about a month ago!! She was a co-worker. According to my H and his friends and other co-workers, once my H slept with the ow she began to blackmail him ( Money, trips, threats of telling me) He hasn't worked with her in 2 years. I asked him how could he continue to be with her if he really couldn't stand her?!@#$%

I found out by her calling me and telling me because she was tired of dealing with him.

We recently had a child however she was not aware though my husband has a large tatoo of my son's name on his arm. I found out that she has never seen it. She has seen his bandages from the rash he developed from "Skin cancer" I informed her, he never had cancer.

What am I supposed to do? Do I believe him and his friends? Do I stay for my 2 kids? Will counselling help? He has lied to both of us. Please share your opinions.

Cry Baby --

Sorry for this pain in your life. You don't need this on top the concerns of a new baby boy.

"What am I supposed to do?" H has not been truthful with you for quite some time, it seems. Had the OW not called you, this situation might easily have continued. Don't make any rash or hasty decisions. You need time to evaluate and recover.

"Do I believe him and his friends?" What does H say? Is he taking responsibility? Does he want to work on your marriage? Is he sorry? I don't know that I could believe him out of hand, given his long-standing record of lies, but the bigger question: what's he intend to do to put your marriage back on track? Only time will tell whether he's sincere or not, provided that he even wants to...or you.

"Do I stay for my 2 kids?" Yes, most definitely, certainly for now. You don't need a new and unstable environment with a new baby. Besides, if someone's leaving, it should be H.

"Will counselling help?" Yes! Yes! Yes! An excellent path now for you. Get yourself a good and well-recommended counselor. Ask around and don't just pick a name out of the phone book; or use the Harleys right here.

"I asked him how could he continue to be with her if he really couldn't stand her?" Good question! Not possible you say? I agree! Something doesn't ring true. Can't be both ways, even with this so-called "blackmail." All part of this tangled web of deception.

I'm very sorry, Cry Baby. You need to hang in there for yourself and your two children. Post again and let us know how you're doing, please.

Ammon

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Thanx so much Ammon for responding! I need someone to express myself to since none of my friends or family know the situation.
My H says he wants us to be together. The ironic thing is that when I confronted him about everything, he said he was relieved he didn't have to continue the lie. Maybe so, but I still watch like a hawk! I cannot help reliving my conversation w the OW daily. When will this stop. Sometimes it really messes up a good day. I know healing takes time. The sad thing is I find myself wanting to see the OW. i know this could never help but that's how i feel. Any suggestions? all are definitely welcomed.

Cry Baby --

Why do none of your friends or family know anything about this major tribulation in your life? If one of them had been in an accident and was hospitalized, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you be hurt if you hadn't been told? This is a major emotional and physical injury to you and your family. You need a support group around you, even one or two people. They want to know and want to help--guaranteed! You have to be able to talk to people about this. It will help immeasurably in your recovery. We're here for you but that face-to-face connection with a valued friend or relative is crucial. Nothing to be embarrassed about here. Remember, it's nothing you've done; it was done to you, like that accident.

I'm encouraged that your H wants to preserve your marriage. Relief from the "outing" of the A is not uncommon; criminals sometimes are glad when they're finally caught. Watching him like a hawk is not a bad thing, at least for awhile. Your trust will take some time to be restored and much of that repair and restitution needs to be provided by him, certainly until you're on steadier ground.

Your sharp and constant memories of your contact with the OW will lessen with time and with your increasing strength and healing. It does get better; give it time and have great patience. Recognize that you've had a tremendous shock to your system; give yourself a break. Recovery will take awhile and it should, so that it's done right.

No, trust me, you don't want to see the OW. I'll be happy to throw cold water on that impulse. Such behavior is looking backwards and you need to focus on today and look forward to tomorrow. That act would accomplish nothing positive for you and would serve only to spin you around on a point of stagnation. You are moving forward from here on.

Keep us posted, Cry; we do care...

Ammon

You know, I used to feel really special because I THOUGHT that my marriage was special. All of our friends that are married have gone through divorce or some form of cheating. used to say, not us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Boy was I fooled. Not to say that a 1 time affair would be okay, but to know this has happened over a period of years really is killing me. I thought i started to recover, then came the blow of the ongoing affair:(

I haven't told anybody because i'm the type to internalize. I know this is not good because it has taken a toll on my health. In a matter of days, i have dropped 15 pounds. I guess i'm afraid of being embarrassed. The strange thing is that i WAS worried about what people would think of my H. Ironic huh?

We were going to counselling but I think this particular counselor was a waste. I will search for another.

When will the triggers go away. The OW has a green Toyota Tercel. Whenever i see one, i literally almost fall apart and break my neck to see who's in it. Will this ever go away!? Or do i have to wait until Toyota stops making them/ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cry Baby --

Bulletin: You still are special! Self-esteem always takes a sharp nosedive in these situations, and it's very difficult to keep one's equilibrium and perspective. We "become the situation" and measure ourselves by its instability. Remember, this isn't about you, it's about your H and his very poor choices. You are still you, although an injured and reeling version (for now).

Triggers fade with time; their impact lessens as you heal and regain strength. It will take time and much patience with yourself. Don't forget that this recovery is a process and must by nature move step by step at its own pace. You can do things to help it along (like talking to friends and relatives and reading and finding a good counselor and getting good "vibes" from your H), but there's no schedule here; it'll take as long as it takes.

Weight loss is very common also. Who wants to eat or even feels hungry? With me, it was one of the few "good" things to come out of my pain, as I could stand to lose some. Some thoughts:

1) This is a terribly difficult time right now, lots of thinking and doubting and crying, but you have to stay "upright" and strong for you and for your children (and for your H too).

2) Find yourself a new counselor or use the Harleys right here. It's vital to have some professional direction and guidance, individually and together. Don't just pick a name out of the phone book; get some good recommendations.

3) Talk to your family and friends--I can't stress this one enough! Internalized pain is like a time-bomb waiting to explode, and keeping it inside inhibits and slows the healing process. You need to "talk it out." Come here and go there, both.

4) Do your homework. Read the articles on this site and get some of the recommended books. The more you know, the better you can cope.

You have to hang in there, Cry. Each day, even though you can't necessarily feel it or see it, it does get better. You are helping yourself to heal every time you post here. Just the act of thinking and typing is a catharsis. Be patient with yourself and realize the massive injury that you have sustained. Recovery is not an overnight process but it is your goal. I'll keep you in my thoughts...

Ammon

Ammon,
I know i am asking questions that there are probably no definite answers to but I'm throwing them out anyway. My H has lied some much, when he says he's going somewhere, why should I believe him? I'm the type that gives anyone the benefit of doubt. I used to think I was objective, now i'm beginning to believe I'm just stupid. Time will tell. I want everything to be alright . Iw ant to get over this. I want to keeo my marriage. I need a definite that everything will work out but i know that won't happen.

I have taken your advice and looked further on this site for articles on how to choos e a better counselor because as mentioned before, the one we had was TERRIBLE!!

Thanks agin for all your help. It is nice to be able to expresss how I feel and not hold it all in.!!!!

crybaby-
sorry to jump in, but you sound SO much like me! I wish you were my neighbor, so we could share and cry!!!
Anyway, I never told my family at all. I never told my close friends. Some of them knew we were in trouble. Some knew we went to counselling. (i had to find people to keep the kids, so we could go) BUT they never knew why. There were one or two people who I told a little of info to. But like you, I didn't want them to think badly of my man!!! Boy, what a relief to hear someone else say it!!!
I have thought about this, and it seems to me that we love them. We are Mommy's. And when "Mommy's" love..., they protect. I don't think this is a bad thing. Also, I did not want to tell people who would "bash" him and then I'd have to defend him. Does this make sense??? I didn't want to make excuses for him, but I knew I would want to protect him; so I didn't tell.
It has been hard. My best advice,(Other than talking here at MB and counseling). Is, find one or two trustworthy friends to confide in. You may be surprized that the ones you pick may not even be your best friends. May not even "know" your husband. Somehow, once I had someone to run things by, who just called to say "how are you?". AND who did not judge anything ---it helped. Search your mind. Find someone to talk with. Someone who will be "on your side". Without judging or "bashing"
Good luck.
please keep us posted...we all care so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
traceys

Cry Baby --

Asking questions, whether or not they are answerable, is good and healthy. Trying to figure out what's going on is a major piece of this puzzle and occupies us much of the time. Don't worry about questioning or rambling or venting; it's good for the soul.

"My H has lied some much, when he says he's going somewhere, why should I believe him?" -- You can't for now. That steadiness and surety has to be built back again over time. You can't trust him and rightly so at this point. You're not stupid at all. You have loved him the way love should be, unconditionally, and he betrayed that love and your trust. Restoration of those feelings is in his hands. He has to want to help you trust him again and then he has to "walk the walk."

Recovery is not an overnight thing; give yourself time for the feelings to redevelop. This is an element that you now have to relearn and H has to help you. You said it well: "Time will tell."

Any progress in sharing your situation with family and friends? (yes, I'm checking up on you!). Cry, post again anytime; we continue to be here for you...

Ammon

Cry Baby --

Just checking in with you. Hope you're hanging in there with this. How are your children?

Family conflicts and troubles take their toll on everyone, mentally, physically, emotionally. Are you taking care of yourself?

Post an update (even if it's just "I'm still here") and remember, you are bigger and better than this situation!

Ammon

Hi Traceys and Ammon!

Every day seem to get better though I replay the days I found out daily. Tonight I circled some different counselors to check out. The last one sucked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I can't help admitting that I want my H to suffer and feel the pain i do. He says even though he wasn't the receiver of the pain, he hurts from what he has done. I want to believe that but don't totally right now. I haveto keep my guard up to make myself heal. Tahnks for checking on me. I love hearing from those with similiar or different outlooks. Hope to hear from you soon!!

Cry Baby --

Don't just circle counselor names in a phone book; get some solid recommendations of specific people from those whose opinions you trust and respect. When the same name surfaces a couple of times, you've probably got a winner! Not all personalities and counseling methods are going to fit with you, so you really have to shop around and "try on" a couple to see if you click. Try the Harleys right here on this sight--they're wonderful and they deal with these situations almost exclusively.

I am very encouraged when you say, "Every day seems to get better." -- If you can see that, you're well on a solid path to healing. BTW, it's normal that you continue to "replay the days I found out daily" -- that part of recovery also gets better with time and lots of patience. Remember you've sustained a major emotional and physical injury and you need time for everything to heal.

"I can't help admitting that I want my H to suffer and feel the pain i do." -- I understand your feelings, I empathize with you completely; many want to "injure" the WS so that they will know what this pain is like. But I also know that this emotion is temporary for you and that you will rise above this feeling of revenge as your recovery progresses. Don't dwell on unproductive issues.

"He says even though he wasn't the receiver of the pain, he hurts from what he has done." -- Believe it! It's true for most who are contrite. You don't have to believe it for now (too much trust broken) but it's a vital and necessary component in your healing process, for you and H and your marriage.

Hang in there, Cry, we're here for you...

Ammon

Hello Cry
It was good to hear from you! I hope you will find a good MC> My husband & I start back tomorrow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Look at the "how to find a good MC" on this site. Ask questions. If you can use the Harleys, I would. That is not really an option for us right now. BUT boy, if I could, I would!
Good luck this week. I will post late Tuesday night. I will be gone all day tomorrow
Blessings
traceys

Hi there Traceys and Ammon!
I think I fund a counselor. I would never guess so many people need counseling. GUess everyone keeps that secret! Anyway, m H gave me a card today basically saying that he knows he could never know the feelings I'm going through and that he thanks me for trying to hold our family together. I just can't seeem to find a way to trust what he says. I hope this counselor can help me. I hope I can see her soon. We saw a male before. He just wasn't for us. I felt I should try a female this time. Hope all is well with you two!

Cry Baby --

The restoration of trust is the most elusive element in your recovery. It can't be hurried as it must be firmly planted and watered and nurtured daily in order for the roots to hold the tree upright again. Give yourself time and have much patience. In a way, it needs to take its time within you since you want the healing to be solid and permanent.

I'm very glad you've found a counselor and will start with her soon. Also, very glad you've gotten such a nice card from H; reassurances such as that will go a long way toward helping your recovery-- for both the giver and the receiver.

What a nice, upbeat post! Thank you for sharing your positive news with us. I know all of the problems aren't yet solved but you should feel on the upswing here and know that you're making genuine progress. Keep us in the loop.

Ammon

Hello Cry
I think your news is also good! Sweet card. New MC.
I agree with ammon here. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. That is one reason why so many of us years into recovery are still here. We struggle with trust.
When do you go to the MC???
Have you found a friend to confide in???
How are your Triggers?? No green toyota tercel sightings lately?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Are you holding up ok with the kids?? Getting any sleep yet??
Just wanted to get an all over update. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<<<<hugs>>>>
traceys

Hi Traceys and Ammon,
Let me start by saying my day is made when I see my responses! Yeas those triggers are still alive and well!! The ironic thing is my H's friend is over as we speak! Guess what he drives!????? Counselor scheduled me on a day I have class, have to call and change but am still hopeful. HAve a great weekend!!

Cry Baby --

Here's your check-in for this morning. Hope you're hanging in there with everything and that your feelings and mood are still on the upswing.

Remember to keep everything in perspective. This recovery process will have its ups and downs; it will not always move forward (that's the nature of the beast). If (when) you hit a backstep or two, recognize that it's all a part of the process, roll with it, then refocus on the long-term goal of your solid, stable, and permanent healing.

Glad to read that you're "still hopeful." You have to remain positive and committed and you can do it--I can "feel" it in your posts. Your triggers will be present for some time but are normal, though painful. Their impact will diminish with each new day. Try not to look at them as anything other than what they are: occasional reminders of the past. They are not the present, nor are they tomorrow, nor are they reality (just thoughts and memories). Look ahead, not backward.

Remember also that having a friend or two and a relative to talk with will speed the process. You need a support network (besides us!) in your life.
How's your son? Is your other child a B or G? How old for both? (I know your son is recent). What are your ages? How long married? What class are you taking? Whatever you're comfortable in sharing...

By now, you've changed your counseling appointment, right? Let us know how that all works out. We're pulling for you, Cry, this is very doable.

Ammon

Ammon,

Last night was kind of bad. I did a lot of reliving the past. I always said 2002 was a bad year, that was an understatement! I realized that I had to deal with my H's EA twice! When he admitted it (one time deal) and then when the OW called me with the sordid details! I believe that's where my problem lies right now. It's that big old trust thing. I was the type that if my H wanted to go out, I didn't mind and I didn't question. Everyone needs to go out and do themselves. Now I ask questions if he leaves the room. I also check to see if the cell is around. I really don't want to live like that. The nature of the beast is making that a reality and I don't like it. I have so much on my mind but feel that I'm running things in the ground by bringing them up. I know I shouldn't feel wrong, but I sometimes do. I plan on letting my feelings out tonight and will see the reaction from there. I'll keep you posted.

To answer to info., I'm 32 and my H is 33. The thing that makes it hurt so bad is that we've known each other since the 7th and 8th ggrades! We didn't date all that time but remained friends over the years. We've been married 12 years. My daughter is 6 and my son is 10 months. They are what keeps me going. My classes are really adding to my worries. I'm in grad school for educational administration. Just preparing myself for the future (whether it be together or alone). The sad thing is, going to class keeps my mind occupied, it's when I come home, I begin to feel down.

I thought about calling one of our friends (closer to my H) and talking to him because he is aware of what has happened. We'll see. Hope all is well with you. Thanks for listening!

crybaby
sorry i have been away for a while. I have had my own drama and set-backs.
I am not sure I would reccomend you calling a male friend of your WH. PLEASE do not take this the wrong way, but you are in the "perfect" spot to be vunerable to an affair yourself. If you need a mans point of view, get it here. Or do you have a brother? If I am being silly, someone (ammons???) PLEASE point this out. I am not in a great frame of mind, so I may be confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Would your Husband think it was inappropriate for you to talk to one of HIS close friends???
If he is the one you want to talk to, maybe you and your husband could do it togther??
You are hurting so badly, I know. Just be careful, ok??
traceys