Cry Baby --

Glad to see you're still with us. Thanks for the added info on your situation. I'm sorry for your uncomfortable thoughts of last evening. I think most of us are very glad that we're into a new year and that the old one has gone with a big "good riddance."

I agree that the trust factor continues to be a major impediment to your recovery. Remember that the healing process must, by its nature, take meticulous time and much gentle care to insure that the "bone fragments" set right. Like a cast placed around a broken arm to immobilize it, you have to have a cast around your heart to protect it from further damage and to allow solid and permanent healing.

The unsteadiness you're feeling is completely normal and even healthy; you want this restored trust to mean something to you and to your relationship. For now, it's not there, but it is your achievable goal. Part of H's continuing responsibility here is to provide you openly with whatever you need to help in your healing. Question whenever you need to, check for the cell phone, do what you need to do so that you become comfortable. You're not "running things in the ground by bringing them up;" you're helping you and your marriage to recover. It's not always going to be this way--you're already saying that you "don't want to live like that"--but temporary measures for longterm stability.

Gotta agree with Traceys: much better (read safer) to get a "male perspective" here than from a friend. Don't know if the male view is so important to you; maybe you just need a friend in whom to confide? Bounce any thoughts in this direction anytime you'd like.

Twelve years and two children = significant investment. I'm glad you're sticking with this. Pressures from grad school just add to the complexity of your day, but at least provide a welcomed distraction while moving you forward in your career.

Hang in, Cry Baby, and keep us in the loop. Your post today seems brighter; hope that's the case. Let us know about your talk tonight with H. Remember to observe as a bystander and really, really listen to him as well. Hope that goes well.

Ammon

Cry Baby --

Haven't heard from you for a couple of days and want you to know we're thinking about you. How did your talk with H go the other night?

Hope you're still hanging in there with all of this. It's never easy, even when things seem to be going well, but the "down" times make everything seem all the more painful. Remember that the roller coaster takes us from the tops of the peaks down suddenly into the valleys in a flash...and you're in the front seat of the front car.

Let us hear from you and remember we're here for you...

Ammon

Hi Traceys and Ammon,
I must say today was a good day. (tHe last couple have been something!) In any case, I did have a talk with my H. No new "news" came out. He still swears that he didn't have any feelings for the OW. I find that hard to believe but what if I'm wrong? He swears that she held their first time being intimate over his head. I asked why did he continue to deal with her and be intimate with her and he claims that she continously threatened to tel me about what had gone on. That may be true but I dont think I would have allowed that to keep me going back to her. He tells me he was gonna do ANYTHING to keep her from telling me. I want to believe him, but does that make me naive? I will say, he doesn't seem to mind the fact that he hasn't seen her in a while. ( I feel confident in saying that because 1 car is in the shop and we have been sharing) I've had the car so I know he couldn't get to her:)

When she called me, I told her so much that was 180 degrees away from what he told her. She was really PISSED! I was really happy!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In any case, we argued because I told him I thought he was being callous by the way he was responding. Short and to the point. He believes that he knows he did wrong and constantly reliving the situation won't allow HIm to heal. My question was, what about me?

I spoke to my new counselor I selected. I can't see her for 2 weeks, but I'm ok wit that. She asked a lot of questions on the phone to have a feel of what was to come. I was comfortable with that and glad. She CAN NO WAY be as terrible as the last one. Will keep you posted until C_Day (Counselling day). Hang in there and thanks again for being there.

Cry --

"I must say today was a good day." -- What a great way to lead into a post! We don't see very many positives around here and yours has started my day off very well.

"He believes that he knows he did wrong and constantly reliving the situation won't allow HIm to heal. My question was, what about me?" -- That's the BIG question. Sorry hubby isn't comfortable talking about his poor choices but this isn't about him any longer, it's about ways that he can restore your trust in him and help you to heal. Part of that for most BS's is discussing the A, whatever is needed and in whatever detail. In other words, he needs to "bite the bullet" and talk with you whenever and give you as much as you want and as often as you want. If you two have "been through this before," tough! We're going to go through it again! Does he really want to make amends or is this him being selfish again?

Sorry you have to wait two weeks for your IC session, but you do sound OK with that. Two weeks can often feel like an eternity in these stressful post-A times. Glad you were able to give her some background and that she was interested enough to ask for it ahead of time. I know you're looking forward to your time with her (maybe she'll have a cancellation?).

I want to say that you have asked several pointed and vital questions in your first paragraph; issues that need to be put out on the table between you two, issues that deserve exploration and resolution. H may claim that he "doesn't know" the answers, but he can't be let off the hook that easily. Problems ignored are problems returning.

Something inside him allowed him to pursue this destructive course with OW and (at least temporarily) put you and your marriage on-hold. That something needs to be dissected and repaired so that harmony is restored--and this is restorable.

Hang in, Cry, we're here for you...

Ammon

I guess with the good days come the bad. Last night we went visiting some releatives. It just so happens that the OW lived literally 5 minutes away. The whole ride going, I was burning up. I knew she lived in the area before. I always asked my H where she lived and he always told me he didn't know the name of the street but taht he just drove there. Since that was the case, I told him i wanted hiom to SHOW ME where she lived. That never happened...until last night. Since we have been trying to work through this, on the way home, he asked if I still wanted to "go by there". My reply was, of course, there was no need to ask that." I don't know why but I feel better knowing that he showed me where she lives. I have /had no intention of confronting her. I just feel I have a bit more information on her that I didn't before.

The sad thing is that I have seen her before at his job. I saw her once. I have this strong desire to see her face again. I keep having flashes of my H with the OW, but there is always an empty bubble above the shoulders. I don't know why I think that will help me feel better. I hope I'm not letting this situation consume me. I know it hasn't been long since D-Day, but I 'm going nuts. 1 more week until C session.

Hope all is well with everyone! How's it going Traceys and Ammon?

Cry Baby --

You are so right: "with the good days come the bad," and that's a guarantee. But remember that good + bad = progress, since it's all part of the process. You have to stick with it and see the whole ups-and-downs pattern of your recovery.

My thoughts on the drive to the relatives: "I don't know why but I feel better knowing that he showed me where she lives." -- and that's all the reason you need. You didn't say but I assume he showed you the house. If that's so, H provided you with whatever you needed at the moment to help you heal, a very good thing. Remember, this is in H's hands to help you regain your stability. The deal needs to be that whatever information you require is what you will be given, no questions, no complaints, total honesty, even if he's provided it six times before. Piecing it all together is valuable and necessary for you, so ask.

I have to comment on your statement: in your flashes, "there is always an empty bubble above the shoulders." -- Yes, and that will always be the case: empty bubble means empty head! (We don't like OW either!)

"I hope I'm not letting this situation consume me." -- I don't think you are, not one bit. You're doing what you need to do to keep yourself and your children and your marriage afloat. You're a long way from "going nuts," just read your posts again. Hardly nuts!

Since you've asked, I had a teeny bit of a breakthrough in my situation. Have been waiting for the fog to lift for what seems like ages, but actually is closer to a year and a half. Have to see where it all leads...

Now it's less than a week until your C session; I'll bet you're counting the hours! Stay with us, Cry, you CAN do this...

Ammon

Hello crybaby!
It has been a while. I have had so much happen in my life the last two weeks. Just to sum up. My WH lied for another whole year about the affair. All the while I thought it was just an EA, and that it was over.
Guess what!! He has been sleeping with her for 1 1/2 years, right up until I caught him again.
I am in a bad place. Not really sure what to do, or how to do it. One day at a time....

The piece of advice that I am giving everyone who will listen is this: FIND OUT EVERYTHING NOW!!!! Get that whole "radical honesty" thing out in the open. Make the WS comfortable to tell the whole truth. Otherwise it will just breed more lies, and you won't be able to work on recovery. We were set back another year. Who knows if we will make it now???

I hope things are improving with you. Tell your WH about me. Tell him what happened. Tell him that he can tell you anything now without you freaking out. But there will come a time that you really don't want to hear any "new" revelations.
Let me know how things are....
traceys

Thanks Ammon and Traceys!
I am looking forward to the session. Will keep you posted.
Traceys, I know how those "new" revelations are. Boy do they HURT!!
Keep your heads up!!!!
TAlk to ya!

Cry --

Just checking in with you and want you to know we're still in your corner. Tracys even gave you your own headline post here on JFO to keep an eye on things--now that's special!

Has the counseling session happened yet? If not, when's it scheduled? I recall you saying that "C-Day" was right around this time.

Don't forget to keep us in the loop with your progress. Remember, we are here for you...

Tracys --

I'm very sorry to read about your recent setback. An EA certainly is bad enough but to learn about a simultaneous PA in addition for that length of time is crushing.

I am encouraged to read that even though you are now dealing with this escalation of stresses and disappointments, you are still "one step at a time" and hanging on for dear life. Are you and H still in counseling? You may need to do that for yourself whether or not H participates.

We're here for you too; this board works both ways. You give so much to others through your posts (just look at these to Cry), maybe it's time you got some MB TLC also. Would you give us an update and tell us how you're doing?

Ammon

Hey guys!!
Today's session was great! I was asked to come alone and my H will go alone before we go together. I was very comfortable with her. She actually listened and basically told me to understand that how i view a situation my not be the same way my H does/did. I really look forward to seeing her again. She tried to be very honest in saying that i have a long road to travel and that it WILL NOT be easy. I only ask that she be able to do her best to help. Hope all is well with you guys. Look forward to hearing from you!!!
Kia

Cry
I am so glad you had a good day. MC can often make you feel much better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
When does your H go???? When do you go together?
The together ones are really something. LOTS of emotions in the room.
Keep us posted!
tra

Cry --

Wonderful news! You sound so positive and upbeat. It's great that you were comfortable with her and that you felt she really listened to you. When does H go and then when your first joint-counseling session happen? Sounds like you've picked a winner!

I was thinking when you said your C told you that, "I have a long road to travel and that it WILL NOT be easy." -- Heck! We could have told you that right here and not charged you one penny! LOL!

We wish you well. You deserve some happiness! BTW, is "Kia" your name? It's beautiful!

Ammon

Ammon/Traceys
I got so comfortable with you guys I signed my name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My H is supposed to go early next week pending a schedule change at work. The C is really good at working around schedules. She will see us both after he goe alone. I look for posts in other forums from you two to gain more insight. Have a good one ,talk to you soon!!
Cry-

Cry --

Thanks for checking-in with us. Always good to hear from you as we know you're still hanging in and keeping your head above water.

"I look for posts in other forums from you two to gain more insight." -- So, you're checking up on us, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Well, that's one of the benefits of this board; we learn so much from each other; even when they're not "our" stories, we gain so much knowledge and perspective that they might as well be ours.

So, H goes to C early next week and then you two will get to go together. I'm pulling for you. You have a good and healthy attitude. Keep us in the loop...

Ammon

Hello Crybaby

It soundss like to me that things are really going well for you! I am so happy for you! You seem to be moving into the recovery stage with few problems. After all you have been through, you deserve some really good times. Enjoy!!
God Bless!!!
tra

hey guys!!
just one of those days with nothing to do. you know they say idle hands are the devils workshop. Couldn't help developing "qestions" in my head as I sat around. All days are4n't good.
I wonder when I have these questions, should I just ask. They are usually "the unknown" questions. Example: Once I found out about the A my H asked if I needed time to be alone. I am curious if it was his plan to go to the OW? Should I leave questions like that alone?
cry-

Yes. Leave that one alone.
Some questions are needed. Some answers are helpful. IMHO, this one is not really needed. Think about the answer he may give both ways.
At this point, does it make a difference??
D-Days suck! If he was going or not doesn't really matter. He is with you. He is trying now. You are making progress. Don't go back. At least don't go back unless something constructive can be learned. Take it from me...the mouth of the south.....some things are better left unsaid and un-talked about!!
God Bless!!!
tra

<small>[ February 09, 2003, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: traceys ]</small>